June 30, 2020 I found out that my paw paw passed away, at 1:02 a.m. My little brother was sleep, and my parents, and I was getting ready to go to sleep, when one of my oldest sisters busted in my room crying, and went into my parents room crying telling them that my grandma sent a message to her saying that paw paw died. Then, my little brother woke up, and he was crying, and then my other oldest sister came in my room to my parents room crying, my mom and dad were all crying. In that moment, I sat on my bed, holding my pilllow tightly, just in shock, no tears would even fall from my eyes, and then I broke down crying, It was hard for me to go to sleep after I just found out that my paw paw passed away. On July 11, 2020, there was a viewing where just family could see my paw paw in his casket, at the funeral home, before the actual funeral the next day. I remeber walking in the funeral home, my heart beating fast, and everything because I wasn't able to go and see him in the hospital because of Covid, I wasn't able to say goodbye, and the thought of him just laying in the casket, lifeless, I couldn't take it, and still can't take it, the memory of him laying in that casket still haunts me, till this day. Before, I even walked down the aisle to see him, I just broke down in a wailing cry, and was having trouble catching my breath, I miss my paw paw deeply, when I am at home from school, and at church with my family, I am reminded of him, and it hurts to be reminded of him, and not see him, and not hear his voice and how he would encourage me, and give me hugs, it really hurts deeply. This loss has been really me grieving for the first time because when I was young I lost another grandpa, when I was 3 and he was buried three days before my 4th birthday, so I really didn't have a chance to grieve his loss, i was so young, but now that I am older, Grief has hit me like a ton of bricks, literally, and is something that is hard to explain. Recently, on Jan 28th, I found out that my great uncle passed away, an uncle I never even had the chance to say hello to or attend his funeral. Somedays, I am struggling, and wonder how I can even take on more step, but yet because of God I am able to. There are days when my grief hits me so hard some days than others, I try to write poetry everyday because that helps me cope. Sometimes, I hide my pain behind a smile, even though deep down inside, I am going through so much, so much. Some days I don't want to get out of bed, go to classes, and sometimes I just want to be by myself. There are so many questions that I often have running through my head, and so many answers that I long to find. My life will never be the same again, my heart is broken, and I feel it both emotionally and physically.
