My wife Brenda & I both got sick with covid the third week of January. We weren't very sick for awhile. I was joking how we were kicking covids ass. Honestly, I have had colds that were worse than this. But as I got better, she got sicker. I called the ambulance Sunday night, 1/31. She went on a ventilator that night. Even though I was also sick, I couldn't go see her. The doctors kept telling me that she wasn't getting any better, but I still though she would be okay. I did a video conference with her on Thursday 2/11, telling her that I was okay. That she didnt have to worry about me, that she needed to fight this hard and concentrate on getting better. They called me at about 4 Friday morning that she was gone. Now I am left without her. We have been together since we were 16. We moved in together in 1981 and were married in 1983. Everything I have done as an adult has been with Brenda. We have been a we for so long, I dont know how to be a me. She has gotten me through all the bad things. Now I have the worst thing in my life and I dont have her to get me through it. We werent perfect. We had bad times just like most people. But we were perfect for each other. I dont know how to go from here. It all seems so hopeless. We were just starting to talk about retirement. Now I have nothing to work toward. I have times when I want to just lie down and die. I have times when I am afraid I will die from a broken heart. I have times when I am so afraid to think about the fact that she will never come home again because I dont know if I will recover from the grief. I am lost and confused and have never felt so alone. I have a good support group, but they dont understand. They are trying. We dont have any children, just lots of pets through the years. My strongest reason for getting up everyday is that we have 3 cats, Oscar, Felix and Smokey, and she would kick my ass if I didnt take good care of them. After almost 42 years. I just dont know what to do.
