HG88

Sticky notes, great idea! I'm gonna do that

8 hours ago, Melonfarmer said:

I still think about my cat every day and feel a little sad and sick, nearly four months later. Got a new washer/dryer unit, with the dryer up on top - much more difficult for a cat to get into. Why didn't I do this years ago? Wish I'd thought about how to make my home as close to zero accident when it comes to pet and human life. The old dryer is still here; I see it every day until I figure out what to do with it. 

still check each time habitually if you have remaining cats or get new ones. hard to get to, is not a term in a cat's dictionary. 

maybe also, you believe she still exists in heaven and fully "gets" you and how you are living without her. Maybe she beams love down on you 24/7 or something, but if you believed she was gone forever, and she was the only person to ever really love you, maybe you'd want to cry for yourself, that you lost that source of love. 

One problem I have is, I feel like no one really loves me at all, only my cat did. I used to say my grandma did, but I think her love was conditional and not really what i would consider total, full, perfect love. She would get mad at me, pick arguments, turn against me, etc in life, try to control me, that isn't love to me. if she loved, it was a possessive love due to thinkin she had to care for me because i was part of her group of people in her life, but my cat just loved me whole, did not pick and choose, turn against me. She never did aything to limit my growth as  a person, to stop me from living life, she never tried to control me (yea, i know cats are in a way controlling lol but i don't mean like that). she accepted me at all times, all states of mind, health, etc. i really feel my cat Althea had the most beautiful sense of love in her heart, i think she liked and remembered fondly everyone else in her life too, but she loved me deeply in a powerful way, i had taken her round to say goodbye to her original family next door, she would have the, imprinted on her mind as a kitten yknow, all that, yet still just showed a sort of basic like for them, it was like oh "hi, original family, i guess hg88 has brought me here to inform you i am dying, see ya later, ps you guys are alright, but now let me get back to beaming love to hg88 because hes my main guy no offense lol". They knew it too and always said it long before she died, how she loved me so much. 

stuff like that then makes me cry almost like tears of joy, remembering how wonderful that was, that she did that for me, we met and she liked me so much, she chose me to be her main person, most beloved. it is such an honor! wow. so the tears here now are like beautiful feeling, sad and poingant but not in that dreary depressing way, it's like suddenly feeling full of meaningfulness and deepness of life experiences. enriched by love from my cat. 

it's interesting how you used to react to your wife crying. i am the opposite, if i see family crying or upset, i dont do anyhing, i basically get out of their way and leave them too it, maybe because i am able to cry myself, i know i dont need someone telling me stupid things or jokes or even well meaning advice to stop me crying, its like no... i want to do this, its all part of it, i literally dont want to just be flat and dry and emotionless about it, this person was so much to me, i want gothru the intense emotions of it, it feels like a testament to how intense their love was. but that's me, i think you are just different so it's not wrong for you not to cry, you believe she is in heaven waiting. she is "on vacation", that's all. 

I remmeber when i was 7, my mothers father died. i was out playin with friends, my father came to tell me. he seemed sad, he liked my mothers father and had known him long time. but i was like oh... and went to the abthroom and looked at my face all serious and then pulled a silly face and laughed at it all, lauged that he died or that everyone was all sad, i'm not sure anymire. I liked him, had nothing against him etc, so idk why I didn't care at all and thought them being sad was weird and funny. I knew i had to pretend to be sad, but i wasnt. (Geez dont i paint a picture of myself like Burke Ramsey? LOL)

If you were raised with belief in afterlife and have actively believed it throughout your life, I can see why you would not cry over loved ones passing. If my loved one goes on vacation, I'm happy for them, and happy for me. I don't mourn them, I don't feel bad to live myself. I don't feel eternally cut off from them or their love. They're just in a different location. If they called and said "yeah, we're actually just gonna stay here, maybe you can come one day" I would be like oh...ok. 

If someone kidnapped my cat, but left a note saying "I have kidnapped your cat, there is nothing you can do to find her or me, I covered every possible track so don't even bother. But, relax, I just wanted your kitty, I'll take great care of her and she has already met and fell in love with my kids and our puppy! She is loving it!" I don't think i'd cry either, I'd be pissed someone took my damn cat lol but then go well if she is happy and making them happy I'm ok with not having her anymore myself. 

But yes when I think from the "default assumption" as i was raised, that we are just the body which died so our consciousnes which was a function of the body simply stops functioning forever and death is nonexistence, just nothing, not anything at all, no mind or consciousness to be having experiences etc -  then death does feel very sad. Someone so vividly real, vibrant, brimming with life and personality and awareness and sense of self and sense of self in relationships with other selves (other people), all that just *poof* turns off, done and gone forever, all their love, hate, whatever just out like a candle blown. Eapecially sudden untimely deaths, makes life seem like a sick joke, that we all just live until some random thing wipes us out and all that we lived and worked for is just left hanging in suspence forever peft incomplete by our sudden death... what is that? I think in a way the devastating emotions this view of life and death can induce might be a proof of how wrong it is. And maybe your lack of ability to cry, is due to having the more right belief that there is afterlife, only bodies are dying, souls are fine. I mean why would you cry? I get in a car accident, car is totalled, I happen to have escaped without a scratch! ad family member, do you cry or celebrate? if people die physically and spiritually go to heaven, why cry? why not celebrate? it completely changes the whole thing to me, then really the only sadness is waiting till it's your time, and that could also be spun into an excited anticipation that energizes and motivates while still living. 

Personally, I can cry. I could EASILY not cry, but for me that would mean being an asshole, being indifferent to it and ignoring it, because my default assumption is still (even though i hate it) that death is the end, due to how i was raised with that implicit belief, so death is sad, i feel the loss not only as temporary but forever, they are forever separated from me by dying, because the only chance of knowing them is one living being to another. 

I don't believe in an enthusiastic way there is nothing after death, i try not to believe it, but it seems to sit there sullenly like a big boulder and won't budge at all even though i try to move it. 

so ienvitably when i start dwelling on the thoughts of the loved one, a sadness arises, i picture them so tender and vulnerable, at their time of greatest need, dying, their whole physical system failing and me helplessly watching them die unable to help, and then i feel how beautiful and loving and just amazing they were in every way, it all seems to profound juat how incredible they were, their life was (keyword: was), and how empty life feels now for me without them. I will get teary here and then decide if I should stop or go further into it. But to stop at all seems wrong, feels wrong, feels like I'm choosing to be shallow and not care, when i do care and do want to dwell on it all. Idkis it worse to suffer the sadness or worse to be indifferent to it? it doesnt feel bad being indifferent to it in the moment, it feels bad upon reflection because then i'm meta-analyzing it all from these different levels, caring, not caring, dwelling, not dwelling, why am i caring or not caring etc. 

i also cry due to a feeling of guilt that i let them down or even when they were healthy did not appreciate them, ignored them, etc, because now i see how wonderful they were and wish i could redo my life and love them more and live life more with them together. I chose to be so selfish and selfinvolved my whole life, I hate myself for it. I honestly have a profoundly strong need to die, I generally hope I will die from various causes soon, and at some point each day you might find me privately begging God to kill me right now or let me die. I've used drugs and alcohol for years and I hope they have destroyed my inner organs so my lifespan is greatly reduced. I don't even get enjoyment or anying from them anymire, I just do it to die sooner. I know, sounds weird but true. 

And i cry because i feel like i lost that beautiful love, but forever. part of me just never fully buys it that there's an afterlife. i feel crazy when I do try to believe it especially because I hop right over into believing ever paranormal thing ever like ghosts etc. and it feels like why even live anymore? life has just been sucked dry of the mist important love for me, what is remaining? and it feels so bleak. so the crying is sometimes more for myself, like sad for myself. and that then involves overall life sadness, sad how my life turned out, that i got addicted to drugs and developed substance abuse disorder etc. sad life went that way when i had a normal childhood overall. it is not always this noble crying entirely for the lost Other, sadly, sometimes it is a selfish sorta cry. 

Nashreed, you don't need to respond to my post, i am sorta talking to you but also using it to process my own thoughts 

I read a story about a man who one day ran head first into a tree stump grinder that was on. What a way to go. I honestly thinkif my cat died in the dryer, I would want to kill myself and in a painful way, just to even out my sense of karmic debt for that ever happening in the first place. There's no way I could just go on living and one day laugh and feel good about anything!

Does anyone else after reading all the tragic stories here annoy your families saying "MAKE SURE __________ ISN'T IN THERE!!!!!"?
 

I do and it does annoy them, they roll their eyes like duh how would we ever not notice that? I've told them how shockingly common it is for cats to die this way, how steadily the reports pour in here, they don't want to hear about bad things so shut me up, and basically dismiss me for reminding and warning the, each time.

Our remaining cat is not even that into the dryer, once in a while I've seen him sleeping on freshly dried clothes when someone has left it open, but in general I think he actually understands the risks. I have noticed this about some cats, some seem to be more aware and conscious of their immediate environment and its potential risks, you can see them thinking about it and deciding agaisnt something, it's pretty fascinating to observe considering so many professional idiots assert boldly that animals don't think at all (an absolutely absurd belief in my view). But other cats just seem too trusting, sometimes I think they are loved and protected a little too much, never having any kind of bad experience, they may not even have an understanding that such a thing is possible, after all if you were born into nothing but comfort and never had any problems or witnessed others with problems, would you be able to think outside that comfy box at all? Doubtful. 

Maybe stepping on the cat's tail once in a while is worth the yowling? Anyway i'd like to know what you all think of this, should there be an effort to get the makers of dryers to change their design due to this absolute holocaust on cats their products unintentionally allow for? Imagine the huge relief knowing it's not even possible anymore! I personally experience a rather intensive stress or fear when I hear the family talking laundry and don't know where the cat is or if he's loitering about near the washer and dryer. And it doesn't resolve till they're done and I've confirmed he's alive and well. I'm traumatized just by reading the stories, I cannot imagine the horror people go through with that and they might get my deepest sympathies of all because it's an unintentional horror and seems like a sick joke, a cat desiring warmth and comfort and shelter in a box as cats do, climbs in the open dryer and goes to sleep. Later he feels a towel thrown on him, ah no big deal it's just my silly loved ones playing with me, i'll pretend i'm still asleep. Oh, hm, they closed the door, no worries they must just be playing lol they'll open it any minute n- 

(sorry to be graphic but i feel we all need to be horrified by this fully to prevent accidents based in lazyness and assumptions that it could never happen to me) 

That's terribly sad to read of her last phase of life losing her senses. However sense of touch is a big one so she would have known she was home in her comfortable, safe places and with you. She would know your touch. Hope you don't mind me asking but were you not allowed to be there as she was put to sleep due to Covid stuff or were you just not able to witness it yourself? If it was the former, well I'm sorry to all who take that very seriously but I honestly think these people making the rules have a LOT to answer for, not letting people see dying relatives, webcam funerals. It drives me crazy. Sometimes it seems downright evil to me. Like, I'll risk getting sick, I'll even quarantine myself afterwards if it makes you feel better, just let me see my d y i n g loved one! I can't believe they have made so many people have webcam funerals - really, just think about that - over risk of a flu with like 99% survival rate. To me, it's totally crazy. Anyway, sorry for your loss of Miss Tizzy. 

So sorry for your loss. I bet Dixie was sad to leave you too, service animals seem to be very special beings. Everyone here has had similar loss, I don't think you'll bore any of us if you'd like to tell us more about Dixie, your life together, your memories and so on. 

I got teary eyed reading your story, favorite beau. And I agree with MartyT, you were clearly a great mommy to your Beau, in fact I don't think I've ever read of someone so devoted and sensitive to their cat's needs, with everything you did for him. The line in your story which stuck out to me most is this,

"And even though his life was short, I loved him every second of it."

I think that is the key thing here. What happened was an accident, perhaps you can learn from that and this will help you in your future relationships, as I'm sure you will be even more careful in future. And some people speculate that there is life after death, reincarnation etc, and that souls learn from their lives and deaths and move on to new lives with some of the wisdom they gained. Perhaps Beau learned something from this experience too? That in this world, accidents do happen, terrible tragedy can befall us even unintentionally caused by those we love the most. He just trusted you so much because he knew how good you were to him, he knew how much you loved him, but he did not realiize things can go wrong accidentally. If you had just stood on his tail, he would have lived and learned not to lay too close without alerting you to his presence, but sadly what happened happened. I don't think it was your fault at all but I genuinely do think you can learn from this how to be more aware in your movements. 

A similar tragedy happened in my family, with a bird. I have met with resistance when I suggest one can learn to be more aware of oneself, movements etc and can learn how to live more consciously, acting less out of impulse or reaction and more from clarity and awareness, but I still believe it is possible for us all to learn this way of living which is so important with our animal friends who are smaller than us and soft and the same for human kids. I think this will be a powerful learning experience for you and make you an even better "pet owner" in future - and you're already really, really great! I also agree with MartyT that the next animal friend you have will be very blessed to be with you and that all the love you had and have for Beau will find renewal in that lucky animal. 

I really got somethihg deep from how you wrote your story. Thanks for including all those details, so important for giving us an insight into your situation and what happened. Sometimes people try to be concise but then we fill in the blanks with our imagination and assume the worse, so I'm glad you shared all those details with us. I feel so bad for Beau, to be taken care of so tenderly and gently with all the love in the world, then suddenly... that. It is truly awful to think about and one of those shocking things about life. It still kind of amazes me that in life there can be all these wonderful refined things and yet such horrors and tragedies. It is kind of mind boggling! 

I personally believe your relationship with Beau is not over, it's just that things have changed. You may not meet him again for a while, or maybe you will, but I think the love you have with him will never die and will find its completion someday. Be hopeful for that! It gives me such a great hope to think one day i will be with my pets again! 

So sorry for your loss, Tinac. 

What kind of animal was Oscar? sounds like maybe a cat? if you have a pic of him and any good stories of his life with you i'm sure everyone here will be interested, i know i will. writing about it may help you process things and help you think clearly, so you are able to navigate through your feelings but not get hopelessly drowned by them. that's all we can do in my humble opinion, just try to understand the whole picture properly, factually, and get the real version of events squared away properly in our memoriesso there is no risk of remembering incorrectly and wondering anout this or that... 

After my cat died feb 28th i first wrote to my friend about it and then came here. it seemed important for me to get a written record early on because our memories can change with time and i wanted to know the truth of it. It can be a lot to process, you review your whole relationship to them over the years up to death and beyond. You may have thoughts and feelings that are irrational but present themselves with a forcefulness that is hard to deny. For example i kept wonderin did i somehow cause her to die? even though the realistic explanation is simply like your cat, something in her body went wrong, it led to her death. If it was the food she ate day after day, that i chose and bought myself, then yeah maybe in some way i could say i caused it, but we can't blame ourselves for that imho. What one cat does fine with, another may get problems from. Really, how are we to know even for our own health?

and i also felt like did she die because I hadnt been paying as much attention to her, she lost the will to live? i felt that so strongly yet now see it's pretty irrational. animals seem to mostly have a strong survival instinct even if badly abused as there are many examples. hey, how about that cat that got froze and a guy buried him thinking he was dead and in the hole the tough cat thawed out and clawed his way back to life and went home? such a crazy, funny story showing just how intensely they want to survive, so i've basically got over that and do believe she understood i was simply busy with human things. I think she even had an understanding of what I was doing so it wasnt just a vague "hes busy" but she knew the specifics of it. I still have variations on these thoughts and feels everyday, and im still sad as heck two months later.

I don't think it's just non-pet owners who ask those annoying questions about haven't you got over it etc, i think there are plenty of pet owners too who are like that, They take a different approach, either don't get as attached as we did or they have a different belief about life and death that makes them handle death better. Some people deiberately remain somewhat aloof so that when the time comes, they dont suffer. Many peopoe these days seem to prefer the most shallow life possible, any kind of deep feeling or thought is avoided, rejected, frownedupon, etc. everyone wants to live in this world of quick cut edited happy silly videos. People seem less inclined than ever to appreciate the other aspects of life. To a sensitive person, there is a lot of sadness in the world, in life in general, and lots of bad things happened, happening, and will happen in future. Much suffering in all species of life.

Sometimes i wonder maybe we experience lives in this universe, to find out just how bad it would be if there was nothing more than this world; like perhaps when we die. we find out there is the other side, where there is no more death or suffering of loss, where there is just all great things. Perhaps we get bored of the perfect realm and wish to go back on the merry go round of life in this world, to play at being a finite physical being having all sorts of adventures. After all, even if you suffered your whole life, but then died and realized you still exist beyond your body, you'd probably laugh because that would mean the grief over lost loved onee was a bit mismatched; if reality is we are all souls that never die, only bodies die. then we have not lost our pets or companion animals forever, they have simply gone ahead of us and perhaps are waiting for us patiently. When your family member goes on holiday for weeks, you dont have a nervous breakdown and sob everyday, because you know you will see them again and everythings fine. Maybe you miss them a bit but that would be all i think. 

Anyway i'm sure Oscar knew he was loved deeply and loved/loves you too and still. He probably knew he was sick and old and might not live much longer, he probably just wanted to be with you in his last days. He left you with a gift of sorts; now, whenever you find yourself about to die in the natural course of your life, maybe you won't be afraid but hopeful because you know now you will possibly be able to reunite with Oscar and other lost loved ones who went ahead of you. I never realized this when younger but it seems that life gets inverted, the young fear death due to too many attachments to the living, the old embrace death knowing all their loved ones already went through it and might be awaiting them, and their attachments to things of the world have decreased accordingly. I'm 32 so not exactly elderly but I don't know, i feel old in my mind and i feel very few attachments to life remaining for me. Now i have that hope to see my cats and dogs again and my grandparents, it's kind of nice. I don't think that love can ever die, maybe Christianity is right and God is love and it is the highest truth and eternal quality of the soul. If you viewed life in this world as interaction of souls clothed by bodies, then it's a big drama about our relations to each other, and why do we care at all about anyone else? because we love them, they love us, and our relationships are maintaining that love, sorting it out so it can continue nicely. As much as you are hurting now, losing Oscar, you are hurting because of your great love for him and him for you. Your hurting is a beautiful thing if you think of it this way. 

On 2/26/2021 at 11:05 AM, joe57 said:

I have this emptiness I feel, slightly above my belly button and off-center to the left. I'm thinking this will always be with me, and it will be a reminder of my precious queen whom I am learning to love differently and without in this physical world. Thank you for the picture with the message. Peace.

that's what is callee the heart chakra in spiritual traditions. who knows what it really is in a scientific sense but there's something to that. you might find it "helps" to focus your inner feeling there relaxedly and think positive loving thoughts about your wife, maybe try to imagine you are still connected via your heart center.

I don't know what your beliefe are but I almost feel like it is obligatory for us now to believe our loved ones still exist beyond their body. For the simple reason, imagine if you died instead and remained entirely yourself just without a body, and were still aware of your loved ones in some way? zhow would it feel if they were just done with you now you died? So based on that, I am believing and thinking of them and talking to them and trying to feel connected by my heart. Like, i know they are somewhere, not here, but I just can't accept they are gone like a candle flame gone out. I find i'm just too sensitive to ever accept the modern scientific atheist sort of worldview that we just die, were nothing but brains which die and the 'person' ceases to exist. I find that if that is the truth, then life is just like a sick joke and I reject it on principle, because all this, for nothing? the great struggle of existence, survival, passing on genes, family, all just to end in death? maybe it is true though, and the reason we suffer the loss of loved ones so much is because we know they were here and are now gone for good? so it hurts, because we want to believe life has eternal meaningfulness, that in the end everything is made right and all the bad things gone. I don't know. I personally don't want to live anymore, i jut don't, ive had problems with depression my whole life, even before losing anyone, which seems crazy to me now. But now after the losses, i just don't see why i am continuing, it feels cowardly to continue too like god, i dont even have the guts to do what i know is right and die now. cowardly clinging onto a life i hate and cant stand, tor what? i just have a feeing of being totqlly done, nothing left in life, no future, nothing on the horizon, its like im all burnt out, exhausted by it, i think due to my sensitivity to it all, my life experience has felt so long, im 32 but pretty sure ive got the mind of an 82 year old. sometimes i think id do better if inwasnt so lonely all the time, but its hard keepin your chin up when it feels like no one likes or cares about you at all, or even activrly dislikes you, maybe hates you, etc and the only people who loved you have died. I feel an emptinese too, ive felt it persistently for many years now. its like something in me is jut broken and beyond repair. maybe only death will fix it. i regret how i have lived so selfishly, there were so many times i coupd have spent it with my deceased loved ones and had wonderful memories now. instead i was egregiously selfish, by default. its just so painful realizing it fully now and realizing i lost my most precious Althea (my cat friend) to it. Well, realistically and rationally i know she was getting old,hadna health problem. and succumbed to it and died. but still, i cant shake the feelign that somehow i caused it, or being too involved in my own stupid selfish human life made her body think well time to die so she developed whatever it was that she died from. her heart was perfectly fine, after respiratory arrest it felt like ages before her heart stopped. she had years left in terms of heart health, i still dont even know and never will with certainty what exactly was wrong. probably kidney disease or somehing with her dogestive systme since she stopped eating a week prior. i just miss her so much, i keep think8ng about her hours before dying layign against the wall and then it hits me that she was old, ahe had sufh treat health i hoenstly never thought of her as old, she had literally perfect fitness, no stiffness running or jumping around, and this cat did jumping daily because she jumped onto a tree stump then to my window sill then to the ac window unit to wait to come in and then back down again going out. she did it daily, no probkems, and then inmmy room she liked to jump from bed to chair to chair, big hoppy leaps for each one, still had no problems she was like a monkey the ease she had with it all. so suddenly realizing not only is she old but about to die, or now realizing she died. its hard. i just want to hug and kiss her and melt into eternity together or soemthing and never be separated again. i feel a sense of exclusive love for her, wo i dont really want to just find a new cat friend, i already have them, but my bond with althea was so special and exclusive, it was unlike all others, and she was considerably more intelligent than other cats, i dont know how much that was my influence or just her nature but with althea i always felt like i was interacting with a complete person, you know how some animals you definitely see their persoality and quirks and what not but they still have a lot of wild animal in them, well althe jut had what idndescribe as a very self assured personhood, like she knew herself, she had self awareness, she was more than just her cat instincts, she had deep understanding of life and i could see how she would think, reflect on things in life. i feel a sense of devotion to her like it would be wrong to ever love and become that attached to anyone again, like it would hurt her wherever she is. i think about her every few seconds even when totally sidetracked with other work im supposed to be focusing on. its almost like every perceptual experience is tinged with sadness now, looking at the setting sun through the trees, all i see is sadness and loss in it, like an empty screen saver illusion of life playingbin front of me, as im somewhere else, distant and disconnected from life by the grief. my performance with my work career type things is suffering badly too, never been less interested or less inspired with it at all. it all just seems so stupid and pointless compared to the immensity of that love, how important it felt as she was dying. 

5 hours ago, Coco Forever said:

HG88 that is so beautifully and eloquently put it’s had me crying my eyes out.Thank you❤️
Frankie

you are very welcome, i'm just glad my post wasn't misunderstood or taken as being insensitive, i was concerned. i know nothing really helps us, but sometimes it's good to get different perspectives on it all. i totally get how you feel though, i'm prety sad today myself. 😔

note: sorry if i misgendered you, Frankie. no harm intended

Frankie, I've been thinking about your post up there, where you walk in to the empty house etc. 

Imagine if you died before you met Coco? Just think of all that life time you had before you met Coco. Remember how long your childhood era seemed? All those days, maybe there were other people and pets, but not yet Coco. 

I assume something about you and Coco just worked and fit together right as friends, Made you like him and he like you. What did he like about you? Probably things you'd learned or picked up along the way, long before you met him, ways of being, living. 

So he liked you, for being you. Not for being Frankie + Coco, that bond developed after. He didn't know about your life before him, he didn't know if you had other pets or what you had done in life. He just liked you for how you are moment to moment as another living being, 

Now I'm picturing Coco the soul in heaven. Maybe in a special dog club, or on a personal walk with God through the endless hills. They talk about you.

"So how is Frankie now, God?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"He's my friend"

"Well..."

"Well what? os everything Ok?"

"You see Coco, sometimes when someone dies, it makes their loved ones feel sad, like all the love has gone away, everything that the person was to them seems to have vanished. It can be overwhelming"

"So Frankie is having a hard time, over me?" 

"Sometimes. He's holding in there, you know Frankie he's a tough guy"

"The toughest"

"Right, but yknow, sometimes when he comes home to the empty house, he misses how you would greet him so happy to see him. That always made him feel so good, like someone really appreciated him just for being there. Now he doesn't have that at all, he walks in and there's nothing, silence, emptiness."

"hmm. I understand. Gee, I don't like to think of Frankie suffering due to me."

"It's because he loves you so much"

"Yeah but it's not like I'm gone forever, my body just wasn't working right anymore"

"Yup, that's kinda what happens, hey it was my first universe, gimme a break"

"I was just sayin', God, not criticizing. If i was gone forever then yeah thatd be really sad, like all that love just dies and that's it? Excuse my language but that would be f**ked up."

"Indeed, t'would"

"Good thing the truth is that we are all eternal souls, but forgetting that makes life kinda fun, because of the possibility of dying."

"True, true. There is that saying, 'we are spiritual beings having a human experience, not humans having a spiritual experience', I like that!"

"Yep it's a good one. Gee I wish Frankie could know I'm right here waiting for him. And look at the clock, it's eternity. There is no time, there is no need to rush."

"I have a question for ya Coco... which Frankie would you rather meet, current day Frankie but when he's gotten so depressed he's actually taken his life due to grief of losing you? or Frankie in old age, decades down the road, embracing his natural death with a peaceful smile knowing he's coming home and who will be waiting for him there?"

"you mean me?"

"duh"

"Well of course My number one mission in life was Make Frankie Happy. Each time we did a nice thing or had a nice day together in the back of my mind I was like pssh, Frankie gonna remember this one for a long time lol, hes gonna smile big remembering this, that was how I planned for my mission to continue to completion in the event of my death"

"Smart dog, Coco."

"i try"

"let's say no matter what, Frankie has 60 more years left, would you want him to be miserable the whole time?"

"Heck no"

"would you feel bad if he felt good sometimes?"

"of course not, like i said, my #1 goal is Make Frankie Happy. unfortunately my bag of tricks were all bodily things. Sometimes I'd wag my tail real funny, Frankie got a kick out of that"

"I remember. Is there anything you can do, without your old body, to make Frankie happy?"

"Hmm. Idk maybe just think fondly of him every day and remember all the great times we had and feel good about it and feel excited to see him again - eventually?"

"That would be nice"

"Hey God, I was watching 50 First Dates before, hey imagine if Frankie forgot I even existed?"

"He might not be suffering now"

"But even suffering now is better than if I really never existed, he's suffering because he had so much love, still has so much love! it's connected to all the happiness intricately. Everything's connected, yknow?"

"So I'm told"

"Everything in life has its opposite. There'd be no sorrow if there was no love"

"would that be worth it?"

"No, in a way, even Frankie being sad and crying makes me feel good, uh what I mean is like, it shows me how much he cares. it's so touching! Hey I musta been some dog if Frankie is that upset over me, right God?"

"You were the best friend Frankie ever had. He cherishes that deeply."

"I do too. Aww man, wait till Frankie finally croaks lol I'm gonna be like BOO, guess who bro? remember this *woof*.? he'll be like omg Coco!! and i'll be like 😎in the spirit😎 hehe."

"Patience, Coco. Frankie's got many adventures ahead of him. But he'll be back one day. They always come back home." 

24 dogs and cats... wow. *slow clap*

LouiseJade, I'm sorry for your loss. I know i would feel exactly like you do in your shoes so dont worry about that, when a loved one dies, we reflect back on the time leading up to it and wonder if somehow it could have been prevented. We wonder if it was somehow our fault. Sometimes people do literally cause their cat's death, but this does not seem to be the case for you. Some people will think if not post, this is what happens when you let your cat out... but i personally think they have better lives being indoor and outdoor, if circumstanfes allow for both, and it is not always a death sentence, some cats go their whole life without anything bad happening outside, so i think we just have to allow for the possible risks that come with it, their freedom is important to them. regardless of what people will say, i think cats go a bit crazy being indoor only, so i am just saying this to give context, i don't think you should have any guilt about him being outdoors. 

it is very unfortunate and sad though. do you live on a very busy street or just normal neighborhood type cars passing every few minutes or what? if i lived by a main road, i wouldn't let my cat out, simply because when cats siht their prey across the street, they will lock in visually and ignore everything else and they might happen to run right as a car is passing. Sadly this is how many animals die, they are not used to cars, for example many owls die this way, same thing they lock in on their prey and swoop down and don't have in mind to watch for cars. I find it very sad and reflects poorly on us humans, we built a world uninhabitable to 99.999999% of species except our own. it is so insensitive of us, and most turn a blind eye and don't care. sometimes i think we might be in hell, because the world could be such a better place but people are just too ignorant and selfish. 

i think your cat was probably glad the lady helped him, at least he would feel safer not being in the road or just out in the open. it is true that he probably wanted you if you were bonded with him, but still she did a good thing there.  he might have had a lot of internal organ damage and that wasn't visible, only his facial injuries. did the vet specifically say what happened in terms of any organ damage? he could have still been breathing simply because the damage was bad but not enough to end his life immediately on impact, so he held on a bit longer and then succumbed to the injuries. I don't mean to downplay the trauma of this terrible accident for you but i want to say that you are in a way better off losing your cat at 8 months old, than if he was 8 years old and had been with you entire time and then got hit and left there in the road. take how you feel now, multiply it by ten million, that's probably how much worse that feels. again, i recognize and respect your suffering, i'm just saying that's how i would think of it. we form attachments and bonds to them, they increase over time as both of us age and go through life together. recently someone was telling me about his 17 year old cat. it was nice but i felt a bit sad because i knew that meant this person is going to be saddened soon. 17 years, hes had his cat longer than his marriage and children. it's a tremendous loss. every death no matter the age is sad. 

if you at some point get another cat, please make a wise decision regarding the indoor outdoor situation. maybe your area is not safe, only you can determine that. maybe you can try to define their territory and keep them more or less on your own property or next door neighbors etc and try to prevent them from crossing the road. or simply keep them inside. or supervise their time outdoors, it is possible if one is dedicated to their well being. also consider the particular cat's temperament, personality etc. if you adopt an older cat, they may be more street smart already. or less inclined to bother crossing the road. they also run across chasing each other in territory disputes, bear that in mind. 

Anyway, LouiseJade, have you ever felt like you have a mission in life or that you live for a purpose, for example taking care or your parents etc? and you think sometimes that you cant let yourself die from anything because of that mission? well i have come to believe that our pets when strongly bonded to us, feel a similar sense of responsibility for us, and i think when they are sick or injured and dying, they are probably just wishing it wasnt happening, wishing they could be back home and safe and happy with us, they are probably feeling bad as if they did something wrong, like how children might hear their parents arguing and assume they are the cause of the argument, i think animals might have a similar sort of concept. I'm telling you this so you don't get stuck thinking thoughts like, did he think i didnt care? did he wonder why i wasnt there? i don't think so, the shock of his accident would have obviously been a big trauma for him in his young life. it is possible he was not even fully conscious. 

Sometimes i hesitate to post my thoughts because I know sometimes i express difficult things that may hurt someone who is very sensitive and grievin etc. i never intend for that and only try to share thoughts that i find useful to think overall in our grief. 

On 10/29/2020 at 4:08 PM, nashreed said:

Hello,

So, I have been widowed for five and a half months. It's been hard to keep occupied and feel like doing or caring about anything. The one thing that I love is music, and I collect CD's (I know it's cool to collect vinyl now, but I honestly can't understand how anybody can afford that hobby). I have been collecting CD's since before I met my wife, so it's been a passion and a distraction for 35 years (CD's were expensive and the cool music medium that long ago).

Through our marriage, Annette was always very tolerant of my obsession, and even though I really shouldn't have spent the money (we were pretty poor), she let me have my fun and buy some cheap ones now and again. When I was working in CD stores, the deals were more plentiful and I justified my spending because I could get bargains. As I became a manager, I could get free promotional CD's, so that was great. So, the collection really started to get out of hand (there is definitely hoarding tendencies in the family-big time). She never really complained. She was a saint. She never was into possessions (too many moves early in life), but understood me. My collection often saved our bacon because I knew some CD's that would be valuable and could be sold for a lot later on, so being a collector was advantageous.

As her health got worse, I would spend money on CD's (money I really should have saved for her needs) as a reward, or to cope with the stress. I feel such guilt that I was really going crazy with spending (in amounts that she didn't notice, but I shouldn't have). I feel like if I would have saved all that money I could have spent it on something that could have saved or prolonged her life.

So now here I am, without her -but with all these thousands of CD's. I am slowly selling rare ones on Ebay, and I need the music to play to keep me sane. They give me purpose and something to focus on. Through our whole marriage they kind of defined me and she told her sister that being a crazy collector was one of the things that she loved about me (Lord knows why).

How have your hobbies changed and evolved (or devolved) with the passing of your loved one?

James

 

If your CD collecting and listening is or has always been a pleasure for you, I'm sure your wife would still support you in that way and not have any bad feelings about how you spent money. I think money is possibly the last thing anyone cares about once they die, assuming the soul lives on elsewhere. Sometimes we have petty arguments in life over things that really don't matter and then we hang on to the bad feeling we got arguing and assume the other person permanently holds that particular view. But life is never like that, only in our heads. Real life and real people are always changing, however slightly. 

I think it's cool that you collect CDs, anyway. That you take an interest in that, are you a musician or simply a fan? I can tell you from my own experience, most musicians deeply appreciate interest in their work, of course with success it is easy to sort of take it for granted, but when you first get going, knowing someone likes your music so much they want to own a copy to enjoy more in future, is so THRILLING. it really is. It feels so validating like all your hard work and time is "paying off", but it's not about the money it's knowing there is someone out there enjoying your own music. And a lot of work and time goes into album designs and whatnot too, so even though it is a commercial product it can still be great art. I don't use CDs too often now but saved all my CDs from the past in a big suitcase. Occasionally I go through them, also got tons of burned CD-Rs and as soon as I see them, all the memories flood back not only of the musif the circumstances of my life. I bet you'll come across CDs that bring to mind amazing memories with your wife and you'll be glad that you bought them then and kept them till now. I remember before streaming digital music was a thing, my dad got into making his own CDs and used to take great care printing out artwork and stuff, writing out tracklists and playing times. I personally don't care for this modern streaming thing, ai think ultimately it devalues music; when you have instant access to everything, it all feels so cheap suddenly, but buying cassettes and CDs used to feel so thrilling and meaningful, taking the time to browse through the racks, taking a chance on something. It was so much better than streaming IMHO.

Want to hear something sad and unrelated to grief? I watched one of those "kids react to________" videos on youtube and I think it was kids react to the Beatles, and one youngster was perplexed, why are all those people standing there watching them play when they can just listen to music on their ipod? Isn't that so weird? might just be the age thing but it has to be a cultural thing too. Music is drifting away from that cultural appreciation of seeing musicians performing live. Kids don't see why it is special. Performance is so special because so much goes into it. When you record songs, it's one at a time, usually spending days to months on a single song, you get lost in the world of that one song, but performing live is switching every few minutes, to a new key, new style, new tempo etc, there's a lot of fine adjustments the musicians are making rapidly in their minds to do well in the next tune. And no one is a robot,circumstances and conditions affect your playing. I used to like collecting bootleg CDs sold in small CD shops of various bands live shows. Every day before school I'd make the tough decison of which show to take with me for the day on my cd player. Each show had its own distinct vibe, mood, feel, and even if the setlist was exactly the same, there were never two performances exactly alike, there is that saying you can't step in the same river twice, because it is always moving, it is a fresh river next time. I see music the same way. Someitimes we try to redo an old recording, and think it will be so easy now - ha! always inevitably becomes its own version, no matter what.

I like when albums from the 60s get remastered and presented as douhle discs or longer pkay with both the mono original mix and stereo remaster mixes on together. A band like the Beatles only mixed in mono, the guys themselves I mean, and they left the stereo mixes to thw engineers because it was considered a novelty to them. Even years later they all expressed that their work was better in mono. The Beach boys too. I never felt like I truly heard these albums as intended until i heard the mono mixes. I wish it had not become an unspoken rule in the music busines, Thou shalt only mix in stereo! For some music mono is just better, like old bluegrass records. They sound amazing mono, fall apart to me in stereo all spread out, theres a lot to be said of the artistry of mono mixing, consider the song "Celeste" by Donovan, such a beautiful monomix, the song has many varied insteuments and yet sounds perfectly clear each and every one, it has a masterful balance of levels. Mixing in stereo, its too easy to think it sounds good because panning something makes it clear, and the end result is often sloppy and chaotic. Usually the stereo vs mono debate regarding Beatles/Beach boys albums goes on for hundreds of pages and ends with no resolution. But for anyone reading this and previously unaware, if you go to youtube, type in the artist and song and then add "mono" and search. Most big classic hits from the 60s are uploaded in high quality vinyl rips and sound how they used to and give the same good old feeling. I was born in 88 but always really liked music from the 60s the most. 

15 hours ago, Caleb said:

I lost my dad less than a week ago. My grief is quite immense. I wake up in the middle of the night to have an anxiety attack. Part of me just wants to runaway. But I know I cannot runaway from the knowledge that my dad is gone. I’m lost.

Sorry for your loss, Caleb. There are some very good caring and compassionate people on this forum whose posts you may find interesting and helpful to read. I'd encourage you to read different threads, even if their story is not quite like yours, we are all here due to the grief of losing someone we love so much. 

If you have time and feel comfortable with it, please share details about your dad and his passing. It's helpful for us to get a clear full picture of what you are going through. 

Edit: about panic attacks. I understand, I have had them caused by grief too, it's like the shock of it hitting you. I would personally and not professionally recommend trying to 'deal' with these naturally and not resorting to medication unless you simply cannot stop them at all yourself. I think we need to set time aside to let our minds wander at a relaxed pace reflecting on the death and the loss and the overall meaning of it all, as well as memories of life in younger healthier days. You are right saying you cannot run away from this knowledge now. It has happened. I still cannot believe it in my own situation, I can't believe this is my reality now. I'm sure you feel that too, like how did this happen, how did this come about? It is normal to think of all these things. You may find people in your regular life are sympathetic but you don't feel comfortable truly opening up and saying all you'd like to day. I recommend you try that here on the forum, writing about it will help you process it all. You won't be bothering us with your story, we will read it with care and sensitive to your situation. What I find is that reading other stories helps me contextualize mine in the overall bigger picture of life. At first it feels so personal like you're the only one suffering and maybe that no one cares, but then you find there's many people in similar situations and it's one of those deep difficult life lessons. 

On 10/10/2020 at 11:58 AM, nashreed said:

That is very interesting. 

I desperately want to see Annette in my dreams, but I feel like I don't want her to "get in trouble" if I pray for her to be able to appear. I KNOW that she is in Heaven- I have never had any doubt of that. I don't want God to think that I doubt. Her faith was much stronger than mine. She had no doubt about her afterlife. I would not want to rock the boat with my doubt, if that makes sense. It would be incredibly selfish. I know she's ok, and pain free. Wanting her to "visit" me is purely selfish and I just have to wrestle with if that's right to do that.

If it is not a genuine visitation dream (presuming such things are real) then just randomly dreaming of her (your mind creating the image of her) might not be very helpful for you at all. Sometimes dreams are like that and you cannot really interact with the person because they are not really there, it's all our mind's creation. But I certainly am open to the possibility that visitation dreams can be real so remain available. You are probably right rhat thinking of her during the day, you are processing the whole thing that way, when you then fall asleep your mind is sorting through irrelevant memories, hence the highschool dreams and other people from the past. or perhaps in your waking hours, so much brain activity goes to thoughts of your wife, that when you sleep all those areas go dormant to recharge so to speak, so the other parts are more available. 

Do you ever experience hypnogogic states? it just means the dreamy but not yet asleep state we droft into before falling asleep, also right as we wake up (separate term, hypnopompic i think). you my find it interesting to 'access' this delicate state intentionally and when you're 'there', bring to mind your wofe. you may be surprised with the results. to get in that state, I recommend you try different things, but basically you want to change your usual bedtime routine, like change location, change aspects of the routine. change your common laying position, i find flat on my back most conducive to interesting dream activity, or try sleeping outside on a clear night with full moon. might sound stupid but again, you might be surprised. You will know when you are in that state, you will still feel conscious, but soemthing about your thinking process has shifted and you are snugly inside your mind and removed from your senses and easy body movements. at that time, just let your thoughts turn to Annette, how she was in life, memories, and speak to her, if it helps simply address her like"wherever you are....i wish you were here". Maybe she will show up! maybe not, but wouldnt that be nice, even for a brief moment. 

Sorry for your loss, Amela.

Maybe your dad would not want you to cry and mourn his death but to feel happy for the life he lived and time you spent together. If it was you that died and he was fine, what would You want him to do? Mourn you 24/7 till he dies or continue with life being himself and doing what he likes to do? Would you be mad, if you saw your dad happy, laughing, enjoying something? What about if he leaned back stretching and said to someone, ahhh life is good? 

I bet Amela that you would instead be happy to see him happy, because you would know that his happiness does not mean he does not miss you or is not sad that you died. It simply means he is living the best life he can despite circumstances. 

I bet that throughout your life, if your dad saw you sad, he felt bad. He probably tried in various ways to cheer you up. I bet if some kind of misunderstanding happened and he accidentally made you feel sad, he felt really bad. 

So wherever your dad is now, I bet he would be happy to see you happy. He's your dad, you ain't gonna forget him!!!! He and his story in life and in death will always be part of your story. 

So here's an experience I had that may be of interest. Posted before but in the midst of a giant post so probably overlooked. 

My dad has always been an atheist, actively disbelieving. He's a scientist. I was raised basically like that as my mother is agnostic but indifferent to it all. 

He remarried and won custody of me so i lived with him and my step-mom and step-grandma and stepsister. They were all Catholics and grandma was most devout, praying Catholic mass every day.

They always avoided discussing their differences but were well aware. 

Anyway, grandma passed away in february 2020 at age 88. Some weeks after I had a dream, very brief but powerful, of grandma sitting in our pool and drinking wine - both things she'd absolutely never do in life! - and she simply called over to me holding up her glass and said happily, "I'm having a great time, Peter."

Now, Peter is my dad's name not mine. And while she did often jumble names in in general, it is odd that I would dream of her addressing me that way and without immediately correcting it to my name. 

But what I realised was that by saying his name, it's much more likely that I'd tell them about the dream and not immediately dismiss it. And maybe because he heard it from me, with his name specifically, he would remember it more than if it was his own dream. 

I really do feel strongly inclined to think it was really a communication. My parents are not the types to have such dreams, they are kind of closed to it and too busy. 

I am open minded and have had similar experiences before like precognitive dreame, usually warning me of trouble by showing an eventual outcome of a situation. I've always took the, seriously and followed the conclusion of the dream like "stop hanging out with that crowd". 

So it does make sense that she would communicate that through me. The message is pretty clear; she, her spirit, continues to exist, and she is having a great time! 

It has not made me believe 100% in such things because in many ways I have the same mind as my dad and will even be skeptical of such things even when very personally significant. I just find it so hard to believe unquestioningly, but it did push me pretty far towards it like a leaning belief. 

On 1/22/2011 at 11:12 AM, grace10 said:

Thank you, Gail, for sharing the info about ADC forums. I especially loved the song story.

 

I was thinking about a song I wrote many years ago this morning before I even came to this site, and realized, in many ways, it is a type of grief song that reminds us of how our loved ones are always with us, and love always exists. I think many songs are channeled. I have been thinking of updating it, and getting it out there. It was copyrighted in 1976, Here's a few of the lyrics:

 

For You

 

Your love is all around me

Be it morning, noon, or night

The shadows have all lifted

This world seems a little more right

I have to say, I want to tell you now

 

If you ever go away, ever go away

You'll always be a part of me

You've given so much love to me

You'll always be a part of me, forever

this reminds me of Randy Newman's song "We Belong Together" from a Toy Story movie. I have been playing it lately because i really like the line "so dont forget, of the future should take you away, that youll always be a part of me!" the song is basically about a romantic relationship i guess but i apply it where suitable to my situation

Sorry to being up an old thread but just wanted to say I find the above so relatable and interesting and have felt it for each death in the family. it freaks me out a bit because my memory will play trivks on me, like I know realistically i must have spent way more time with Althea than without her during her lifespan, but my memory will just show me endless seeming selfish days where I had no time for her, and feel such terrible guilt about that, and then I try to remember specific days with her and all I get is basically a vague one memory fits all sort of generalized memory of her. I also relate to the bracelet thing of wondering, if I take this off, will she think i'm leaving her memory behind or don't care? for me it's not a bracelet but a crazier thing of not acknowledging her possible ghost when i enter my room, i know sounds ridicukous but its like weol, what if she really is here, and doesnt even know she died, so she is experiening me literally walking in the room and ignoring her? idk it gets pretty crazy to be honest, i think grief bends the laws of physics sometimes! wild and weird things seem to happen to me related to my particulwr grief, 

Guest so very sad, it's a shame you only have a guest account (?) because I had just read through this thread and was going to send you a personal message because sometimes it feels a bit more real to know someone reached out for you privately. Anyway, just want you to know I feel for you, it must feel so wrong to lose both your children like that and then know that some day your mother too will be gone too. My grandma lived with us for over twenty years, and she was always grandma aged to me but now I see how she was much healthier early on than the last phase of life. She still got out of the house pretty muvh daily for lunch, my step-mom (her daughter; never liked saying stepgrandma) took her and they liked to go to different places and some regulars. It's kind of funny, even when we wrre in the hospital waiting room (for 7hrs plus btw, they dont care about old ladies dying slowly) she hadnt eaten in about two weeks and had diarrhea terrible before we got her to ER, and she was very weak and not fully rhere mentally but i noticed she was still observing people and mentioned to me if someone had a food bag or box like oh, they went to such and such place. So what i'm saying is it is good to know she still had things she totally enjoyed in life right up to the two werks prior to dying. Unfortunately she passed right when my dad and I were stuck in traffic on the way there! she wasn't alone though, but still i wanted to be there. however once i saw her body it was odd, it was so obvious to me in that moment, that the body is but a shell, and her spirit had flown. seeing her body lifeless, it was like 'alien' to mysenses, it didn't seem like grandma but just this worn out old skin she shed, so i didn't find it upsetting at all, it was more like uhh where did grandma go? it was the overall loss of her presence and from daily life that got to me emotionally at home. 

Anyway, Guest so sad, I relate a bit to your son Joseph, I am not an alcoholic but do have a serious substance abuse issue and I prefer not to name what it is specifically, i only drink alcohol occasionally while my substance abuse is daily. but, two peas in a pod right? theres probably not much difference in overall life effects, so i know something of what your son was going thru. i also only ride my bicycle but i never even learned to drive anyway. i was already too ill to even consider it seriously, it all seems like a world i never knew or got to experience. all ive ever done is ride my damn bike, every day i take the same route to the same store to buy the same things. it gives me comfort because the exercise feels good and it takes my mind off of home, makes me feel like im just me in those miments, im not me plus the suffeirng of all the loss at home, so it is a liberating feeling to be out there riding, and it does keep me in decent shape despite being a drug addict (i have a theory that if you exercise by necessity to get your drugs, you outlive your life expectency and thus get to take more drugs for longer, so im glad to ride if its local). I agree that 35 miles is far on a bike, but not impossible separated into a few days. One can easily do 20 miles in a day at regular relaxed speed, i have done it riding an 11 mile route and back again, i was tired later but not much different from usual really, but i probably did not ride the next day. So it would have been possible for him to ride, get a motel room somewhere or something, then continue next day, but its hard to make that commmittment if you arent even sure your wife will let you in etc so i understand his predicament. also that's sad anout his accident and resulting fear of riding. one time i was in an altercation and threatened with a gun and felt nervous to go out again after that but soon resumed. 

I think what I'd want you to understand from the perspective of someone with substance abuse issues like Joseph is... we hate it too, wish we never got involved at all with it, but it just grabs on and never lets go! we are the #1 victims, i honestly believe that, i mean yes families do suffer as a result but don't forget it is the addict themselves who is the one suffering the addiction and all the health problems and related issues, at the end of the day a family member remains whothey are independntly of the addict, while the addict has no one but himself. Also i bet Joseph used to remember his childhood and how innocent and fun life was and how he had a natural curiosity for hings and the good times he had with his dad growing up. I bet he thought you knew everything and were the coolest dad around. Those years would have seemed golden to him, soemtimes i wish i would just wake up and be eleven years old and realize it was all jst a terrible nightmare, im just a kid still, my parents are togehter,no one has died etc, not wake up and realize im a 32 year old mentally ill drug addict heading for death whose life is ruined. people think oh why dont they just stop and fix their lives? it is because the sense of hopelessness says that wont help anyway, so we take comfort in the addiction cycle even when we know it is leading to death, because death starts to feel seductive and like it will be a better place. It is sad that his sons wont have their dad anymore but maybe they will learn from the loss of Joseph and never turn to drugs and alcohol themselves, and then that was the meaning of why he died so early? if he did not die, maybe they would end up dying. maybe youll be able to get to spend time with them soon and have many great days that remind you of your son and beco e good memories for you and your grandsons. 

I would like to suggest that you leave your daughter in law more than a one line "call me" type message. She may possibly be misinterpreting things and think you have ill will for her and are calling to argue or something. I think if she read how you expressed your sadness here about not seeing your grandkids, then its hard to imagine a mother so hard hearted that she'd refuse. it's worth a try anyway, maybe you can mail her a handwritten letter? remind her even though she knows, how youve lost both your children so want to spend time with your grandkids! ask how she would feel if she lost them. reassure her you have no bones to pivk with her and won't cause any problems if you go to her house, say you understand ahe moved on with a new guy etc and you will get along with him fine. Give it a try, please dont give up on seeing your grandkids because that can be a very special relationship and i think grandfathers can pass wisdom to their grandsons better than they could to their son and your father to you etc. I still fondly remember the past day ai had with my paternal grandfather, we went for a scenic walk in England where he lived. We talked about The Beatles and his old hifi setup which had been there since the 60s in their front room. Yearsnlater after he passed Inwas looking thru their old photo stills (not sure the term, tiny little squares you had to squint to see, projector images maybe?) and realized that my dad and his parents wrnt on these walks all the time to the same places, so it was interesting to realize it was with me that he had his last long walk. I'd like to say this: dont let your daughter in law prevent you from having similar meaningful times with your grandkids. they are afterall from your son. remind her. say that by having some time with them, you feel closer to your son and it helps you. 

and recently i wrote to my mother who lives in a different country and finally told her my whole story because she did not know most of it how it really was. basically told her about 12 years or substance abuse, mental illness etc. know what her reaction was? none! never responded at all. too much to handle for her, maybe, thats why i never told her. but i got my mental issues from her! her side of the family all have or had soemthing related and i got it absolute worse, like all of them combined doesnt even hold a candle ro how bad it has been for me. they maintained normal lives. they got married etc. you just cant do anything like that in my condition, thats how i know they didnt have it as bad. 

everythin got much worse for me, and i was already in a pretty bad state before she died, ive been living with my mental illness since late teens, unmedicated or rather self medicated, and life had already being getting so much worse from 25 onwards, now.....pssh! better be a big reward for this crap in the afterlife, or something at least to make it all feel worthwhile and meaningful and not just how horrible life can become. i'm totally hopeless for the future too, every day suicide seems more and more absurdly obvious, but that would hurt my remaining cat so it's off the table. he is suffering too, still, since Althea died, i even think he understands that i understand him because i notice we have special moments (usually hes all play) where its like he seems in a sad tender "philosophical" mood and is remembering everyone hes lost, which is same as me, we both lost rosie, kitty, grandma, and Althea. the thought of tom just growing old bored and dead inside his mind due to the effect of my suicide on him, even if all he knew was one day im no longer there etc, is wayyyyy too much for me to be ok with, so he is keepin me alive. i got to the point where i dont even care what my human family thinks because they showed no sympathy for althea or me after she died and i find that incredibly insensitive so i miat admit i have a feeling of screw them, i dont care if they are upset. but my cat Tom,, no way, he wouldnt have any kind of life, he would just die, 

soemtimes i just wish i had some damn relief in life like god, let me have a good phase with good luvk, good things happening, etc but it never comes, everyday feels like my life gets worse. one sort of solace i have is hoping to be able to expresss soemthin of these feelings and experiences in music i make, i figured it will be hard to be so emotionally open in songs but ultimately i know doig that feels very meaningful later on so i continue, i get a lot from peoples posts here, reading the different ways people describe their grief etc, i find each post sort of adds to my inner understanding of grief and all related things and at the end of the day broadens my perspective on life. i look back to the years where no one had even died in the family. wow. seems like the most amazing time of life ever, just by virtue of that fact. now everyhing feels so wrong and broken and i cant even have hope that better times will come because i fail at life so much. i have like one talent, music, and im not even that good at that haha and constantly doubt myself and get insecure. i wish i had a partner in life who got me and liked me. but it seems like i must be unlovable or intolerable or somrthing because i barely maintain a friendship with one or two people and havent had any intimate relationships at all since brief flings in my teens. i became mentally ill and withdrew from life naturwlly, alienated a lot of old acquantences when they saw me and i seemed crazy or whatever. it is frustrating, i have a contant feeling of like abandonment, like the world abandoned me and doesnt want me in it. i really think althea and my previous cat kitty were the only people who ever truly truly truly loved me. my parents love me but like an investment, hah, they will turn on me like lightning and show total indifference, something althea never did at all. oh yeah and they are also of the insanely ridicukous opinioj that im not and never have been mentally ill. so imagine dealing with that, your own family denying against all obvious evidence their son is really seriously ill and has been for so long. aometimes, i think they do want me to die and are indifferent to me purposely to keep themselves aloof from pain when i do die.