I'm new here and your story hit me hard. Same thing here. Met in 1982, I was 16. Spent every moment with my husband and we were just retired 3 years ago and planning our golden years together building a house in another state. Then covid hit us. We both got it hard and 5 days in we both started feeling better. New years eve we spent talking for hours about the future and how much we looked forward to 2020 being forever forgotten. Said goodnight. Just 4 hours later he was being transported by ambulance because his oxygen level dropped to 60. I couldn't visit but we texted each other. He was progressing slowly but then on January 11 he suffered a major setback and was ventilated. He had 2 cardiac arrests and his organs started shutting down. The doctor told me my only chance to see him before he passed was if I made the decision to take him off life support because he didn't think my husband would survive another arrest and neurological issues were very likely affected. So I did get to say goodbye but it was the worst thing I've ever had to do.
I can't think about the future. It feels like I'm dying if I think about that. The worst pain right now is the guilt. Why him and not me? I have all the comorbidities they talk about. It makes no sense. Covid sucks and I haven't had a memorial for him yet because of the restrictions so there's that guilt on top of everything else.
Anyway, not trying to depress anyone, but just know there are others in this club. I'm sorry for all of our losses. I hope we all find a way to cope.
