Anhid

I’m so sorry, this must have been really hard, for both of you. I have no idea how she dealt with the funerals, she didn’t talk about it at all and I didn’t want to talk about it either. But what I mean is... I used to be her « safe place ». I’m actually worried about her because she can’t do anything she likes to distract herself, I know all she can do is cry and stay in bed which is not healthy at all. She’s not the kind of person to recover quickly and since she has nothing left... I’m scared for her. She told me herself that she has lost everything : her family, herself, her education, and me. I don’t know if that makes any sense but the way she talked to me before leaving was kinda weird. It felt like her whole life has stopped, just like this... as if she had no future awaiting for her ? Maybe that was the shock of the situation but I know how she is and this is really worrying.

Thank you for your message. It really helps me. She told me herself that she doesn’t know how many time she needs to heal but I’m confident she’s getting help. She’s always been reluctant to get help, so I don’t really know about that but I hope she’s okay. I’m glad to see I’m not the only one in this situation and I’m willing to wait for her if she still wants me in her life. I will probably feel better too, but it’s still hard for me to look forward to a future without her, especially because she didn’t give me any closure at all and I’m that kind of person who needs to know if something is over or not. It’s weird because I just can’t comprehend the fact that she might not come back. She deactivated all her social medias, she can’t hang out because of the lockdown, she doesn’t have a job, she has online classes so she has to stay home... I mean, how is she going to move on? You probably don’t have the answer to this question ahah, I’m sorry. I just feel like rambling here because I have so many questions, it makes me really confused

I will leave her alone (I have no choice anyway, she turned her notifications off and I’m sure she doesn’t even look at her phone) but the message I sent is waiting for her and when she’s ready, we will be able to talk. I don’t know if I should be positive about the outcome or not. I’m not going to lie to myself, as long as we both have issues to work on, I don’t want a relationship with her again. That’s why I was talking about starting off as friend. The fact that she has chosen to work on herself alone doesn’t bother me at all; in fact, it’s actually the best choice she made. She knows she needs help, and I hope she’s getting the support she needs. I really want to know if she’ll come back one day

I agree with you, there’s too much guilt but it’s not something new. I tried to tell myself that she’s just using it as an excuse to break up with me but it doesn’t make any sense since she’s always been like this. She’s always felt like she was lacking in our relationship (something not true at all) and I think something must have triggered her and convinced her that it was her fault to make me wait for her like this. Oh ! And I forgot to say that she thinks the death of her grandmother was her fault because she’s been dreaming of losing someone close to her for 6 months straight. Well, I think her grief and her pain made her feel like it was too much for hear to bear. Also, she didn’t tell me « maybe the feelings will come back » she told me the opposite : « if you think my feelings for you will ever fade away, then you have no idea just how much I love you » which is why I’m pretty confused...?

Hm yes sure, she did. But she also said she will get better for me. As I said, our relationship was pretty unique and it’s always hard to let go of a first love. I know it was her grief talking but I doubt she didn’t know her own mind as our conversation was rushed and she didn’t realize what she was doing at that time. That’s why I said, maybe in a few months, when she feels better and has a clearer mind, she will come back to me. Not as a potential lover, but just as a friend. She owes me an apology for what she has done to me anyway. Grief or not, it’s not an excuse. Also, she didn’t tell me she didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. She was under appreciating herself and told me she doesn’t deserve me. Things like this. That’s why it’s hard for me to know what’s going on exactly, if she needs time alone or if she’s already gone forever.

Thank you so much for your message ! It's so hard to focus on myself, though. I'm not used to being considerate with myself, it's actually the opposite. I'm used to living through others and give myself entirely to the person I love, something I shouldn't do, but it's just how I am. So now I feel completely devastated and I don't know how I am going to move on. I know time is a great healer, but I also know this situation will give me some major traumas as a result... I'm not scared of waiting for her to heal, honestly, even if it means waiting for a few months. As long as we both work on ourselves, I know things can work out. But you're right, holding on the tiny hope she gave me isn't healthy either, I will try not to have too much expectation from her. Thank you again, it's so nice to feel heard and understood here.

Yes, I know how she is and it seemed like she was lost and overwhelmed by what happened, something I can understand completely. But I can't help but tell myself that she'll come back to me one day, when she feels better. I don't really understand why she would say things like "I'll get better for you" if it wasn't for her to come back ? I'm really confused. I think I am just going to wait for her to reply to my message. It's hard because I would like to know how she's doing, if she's getting help, if she's eating properly... I don't think she will ignore me or anything, but I'm sure she's staying away from her phone right now, she's the kind of person to do that and stay alone when she's sad. Our relationship was really unique. I was her first love, she was mine. We had a strong bond and... yes, I'm full of hopes. Maybe I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

Hi there, Sorry for the late reply ! She broke up with me on monday but our conversation felt rushed. She didn't make any sense, saying things like "I don't want to lose you" "I love you always" "I know you are my soulmate" or "I will get better for you soon" so she didn't give me closure at all especially because she couldn't stop saying that she "doesn't deserve me" or "I can't make you wait", or even "I never treated you right" and I still hope for her to come back to me. Also, she didn't say "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" or something close to that, she only said "I know it feels wrong, but it's right" so it makes me think that she made this decision without thinking about it first, because her pain made her blind. Honestly, knowing her, I know her choice was irrational. I think she needs time away from everything and everyone at the moment, something I'm willing to respect. I still sent her a last message after our conversation (because I said things I regreted afterwards) and told her I was here for her and I would check up on her from time to time, even if she doesn't see my message. One of our common friends told me there's hope, but I wouldn't have too much expectations right now. What's your opinion about it ? This situation really destroyed me and my mental health honestly, and I don't know if I'll be able to forgive her one day. Maybe it's not about me, but the way she handled things wasn't right. She made it about ME when it was HER choice, which leads me to think it was my fault because I gave her too much love. Don't know if that makes sense ahah. I'm not okay, I know I am not, but I will do my best to heal and I hope she does the same because she told me she needs help, I hope she's getting the help and support she deserves. And maybe, in a few months, when we both are ready, we can start off as friends again.

I would like to stop contacting her, I know it's better for us. But I forgot to say that she is really negative about herself, and she is depressed, she told me she didn't want to be here anymore. It's not only "grieving", she also losing herself in the process. I know she won't recover from this without seeking help, and I'm not sure she will do it. She told me she needed help, she told me she didn't know what to do, she is lost and powerless. She stopped eating, she stopped caring about herself, she's basically staying in bed to cry. I'm scared that she'll end up doing something silly... I'm scared that she will try to end her life, as she seems very vulnerable right now and as I said, she has no one left with her. She ended up deactivating her social medias too, and said goodbye to her friends. She cut off the people who were there for her and as much as I understand that it's a common reaction for grieving people, I just can't help being extremely worried.

Thank you. The thing is... There were a lot of things she said that didn't make sense, and I don't understand why. She said she loves me, that she wants to get better for me, she is also convinced we are soulmates and that we will find each other again. But on the other hand, she also said she feels likes she doesn't deserve me, she said she can't make me wait for her anymore because she knows it's one of my biggest fears. She's basically pushing away everyone she loves and she sounded really panicked and.. I don't want her to do anything silly, if you know what I mean. What should I do ? We already said goodbye to each other (something that was.. really painful, to say the least). I feel like I should respect her choice, yet at the same time I'm so worried that I can't let her down and be alone during these times. I'm really confused... I read that it is a normal reaction for people who are grieving, they almost always push people away, but some people stay, and some people don't. I know it's not her who's talking but her grief, I understand that. But I'm still really worried, she has no one at the moment. I don't know if I should send her a message.

Hi again, Thank you both for replying to me. Unfortunately she just broke up with me. I was expecting it, I was getting ready for it but I’m still... shocked. I feel numb from crying and I don’t have emotions left in me anymore. I don’t understand how everything happened. She told me she lost everything, her family, her education and herself and now me. But I told her it was her choice to break up with me. I don’t think I will ever understand her choice especially because she said she will always love me and she will never lose feelings for me. I don’t understand why she chose to give up on me while I’ve always been there for her before and I told her I was going to support her through everything. I know she has a big guilt complex and this is basically because of that that we broke up. Because according to her, I deserve better than her. It makes me so mad because it wasn’t her place to say that, it was my decision to make, not hers. The next weeks and months are going to be hard for me as I will struggle with this heartbreak for a long time, I really thought she was the love of my life. I’m devastated, really

Hi there, My name is Sarah, I'm 22 years old and currently dating a wonderful girl. We are in a long distance relationship right now, she lives in the UK and I live in France (I apologize if there's any mistake, english is not my first language). We've been dating for 8 months (but in love for a years, more or less) and have a strong relationship. Let me explain the context of the situation. These past few months, my girlfriend has been having bad dreams, about death or losing someone close to her. I tried to reassure her whenever something like this happened but death is her biggest fear and it often triggered panic attacks, understandably. Unfortunately, she lost her grandmother a week ago, on thursday, unexpectedly. She was the person she loved the most. My girlfriend is usually pessimistic about herself and is extremely negative about life in general, which doesn't help at all. We were in a middle of an argument when she died, and I didn't know about it until Friday night, when I sent her a message against my will (because I thought I wasn't in fault) and she replied to me, telling me what was going on. She sounded panicked and lost, not herself at all, constantly saying "I can't do it" and saying it was her fault. I tried to be there as much as I can, but she stopped replying last Sunday. It's been a week, and I have no update from her side (she also told me she needed time and space). I want to trust her, I want to give her what she asked but it's really hard for me since being abandonned is one of my biggest fears too, I feel like she gave up on me already. I know it sounds extremely selfish of me, I know I shouldn't take it personally, that she is grieving so it's normal for her to take time for herself, to be with her family, to accept the loss of her grand mother, but I also can't ignore my feelings and I'm actually terrified. I've never dealt with these kinds of things before, so I didn't try to pretend I understand her pain, and I still don't know how I should act especially because she is pushing me away (not only me though, before disappearing, she told me she can't talk to anyone without panicking and she told me all she is doing is cry since she found out). I can't reach out to her, when I try to call her she doesn't reply, my messages are left unread... I basically don't know if she is still alive. It has never happened before, we always talk and there's not a day where we don't talk, so it's actually the first time it's happening. I know things will never be the same again, she, herself, told me she will never be the same again and I'm ready to support her as much as I can, to be patient, to be understanding. I tried to educate myself a lot on grief and how a partner should act to support their loved one. But how am I supposed to support her if she doesn't even read my messages ? I know everyone has their own way to grieve, but I have so many questions... I don't know what to do. Do you think she will come back to me one day ? I know it's still recent, so I'm trying not to worry a lot. However, I talked to my therapist and my mom who both told me that it isn't normal. Some of my friends told me it is, she just needs time... But I don't know what to think. I'm scared that she'll leave me alone and give up on me when I just want to be there for her, I'm scared to wait again and again without any update from her side, because I won't be able to move on if I don't even know if she still wants me in her life... I'm terrified, I don't know if I should still have hope for us or not, if she still wants me in her life or not. I'm scared that she'll leave me alone because she has a big guilt complex and she always says she doesn't deserve me, things like this, and I know she will feel guilty for leaving me alone during these times... I'm scared that grief will change her to the point she will reflect on herself and won't want to handle a relationship, even if our relationship was strong before. Can you help me, please ? Thank you.