Boho-Soul

For what it’s worth I just want to clarify a recent post I wrote, if for nobody else, then for myself. My posts are in response to my feelings and experiences around my husband’s death. That's the category I write my posts under - 'Loss of Spouse, Partner'. When I respond to posts it's also in the context of this type of loss. When I read others posts I believe they are responding around this type of loss. When others speak about feelings of misery years, or decades into their loss of a spouse, it's hard to hear with my loss being so recent. I didn't realize they were adding on other issues of loss and life calamities into the mix, and perhaps I responded from a place of fear thinking, "Is this what I have to look forward to?" Perhaps there should be another category for "Loss relating to Injury, illness or Aging" so it isn't added to the "Loss of Spouse" category. I thought there were categories for a reason, so we don't ball up the losses of spouse, friend, pet, sibling, grandparent etc. into one. It could become too confusing and not everyone could then relate. When losses around aging or health issues come into play with loss of spouse it becomes confusing to someone who is just focusing on the loss of their spouse. Maybe that's why I responded the way I did, because I couldn't relate to the compounded levels of loss that were blended together and the space others were responding from.

Thx James 🙏

* I sincerely apologize if I came across as critical in any way, I was not my intention and I did not do so maliciously. I agree, respect is needed from everyone. The way Margm responded to me by stating I’m top in my class for criticism and giving me a A+ felt disrespectful. How was her response clean from criticism or being judgemental? If she wanted to point out my error she could have handled it more graciously. All I can do now is cry and I’ve never felt more alone 😪

Ouch! 💔 I didn't come to this forum looking for happiness. I found my way here because I experienced a profound loss, and I thought this was a safe place where I could express my thoughts, feel supported and possibly encouraged others as I moved along my own journey of grief. No I don't have all the answers, that's why I'm on here, to seek support. Why do you think Marty posts all those links? To provide support and encouragement to others. When I write my thoughts I'm writing my truth, and they're not intended to be critical. Criticism is a negative commentary about something or someone. All I said was your statement was sad because my heart hurt when I read what you had written. What did I write that was so negative or critical about you? I feel hurt by your response. I try to be uplifting when I comment, but from what you said my thoughts on my own personal journey and how I choose to move through my grief doen't help. Well, it's still my experience, and my expressions of my journey. Your response kind of tainted my experience here. Makes me question if I should return if I can't share my honest thoughts around how I'm moving forward with my loss.

Miserable, as in gloomy and wretchedly unhappy - yeesh 😬 Hope that won't be my normal. I’m experiencing grief emotions around my loss and my life is profoundly different, but I’m not miserable. Integrating my grief by coming to terms with my loss and reorienting to a world without my loved one is a hard journey, but I will do whatever I can to not take an off-ramp to the road of misery. Not a road I want to travel on. Miserable is normal, life without enjoyment - These are such sad statements 😳 I wish a happier life for both of you. The death of a loved one is highly stressful, and there’s a myriad of other stressors that can emerge. But I think learning how to cope with them is necessary for restoration and an ongoing life. It’s about finding a pathway that leads to restoration to have a fulfilling life. Maybe age has something to do with this mindset for some, but I draw inspiration from my soon to be 94 yr old dad. He’s been widowed twice (now married for the 3rd time) and has health concerns that limit him, but he’s always joyful, loves to laugh and you never hear him complain about how miserable or joyless his life is.

Perhaps not, it's possibly just my perception as they don't talk about their grief, and go on about where they just traveled to since they don't have to work anymore, or talk about the fun things they have been doing lately (1 just started dating again). They don't share about any financial concerns or other complicating factors. When they ask how I've been doing that's what I share, how I'm still sorting out financial issues, still dealing with the hoarding fiasco my late husband left me to clean up and how my recovery from experiencing burnout is going, as my Dr told me to go back to work to soon after my Michael died. So compared to me, their life appears to be one of ease. Yes, you're right, you can live in fear, as it is something one is 'capable' of doing. But I think what the saying really means is you can't live in fear, meaning, ‘don't do it'. It's not a place to set up camp or a place to live your life from. Living in fear doesn't have to be one's reality . If you live your life in fear, you're not living you're hiding, it's the greatest prison people live in. I say this from experience not just to spout off, as I lived in fear for 10 yrs after a traumatic event happened to me when I was 19. After living in fear and PTSD for a decade I faced and overcame my fears and began to live again. And I won't live my life from a place of fear again.

Everyone in different when it comes to the level of connection they need or want. I suppose it's different if the person who calls holds you hostage in the conversation by only talking about themselves for hours, or does nothing but complain over and over while doing nothing to change their situation or circumstance, that would be exhausting and unproductive. I'd definately set boundaries around how often I talk with them. (My sister had one of those friends and had to set boundaries to not get sucked into the rabbit hole every time they called.) If a friend called to have a reciprocal conversation I would definately welcome it. You're right James, the key word is 'choose'. I thinks that's one of the challenges of moving forward from our loss, to choose to find others, and to build new connections with. The thing to remember it that it will be a different connection than it was with our spouse. They'd be a different person, we're different now too, so the conversations would be different. What is life if not change. Isn't there a saying, something like, "Those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”

I thought you lived somewhere deep in the woodland hills, maybe you're taking about the city you are close to. Must be a big city, the city I live in is rather big, but it's odd there isn't many widow/widower support groups for various ages. One group of 6 woman still wants to remain online and do zoom gatherings, I have zoom fatigue and need/want in-person gatherings now. Plus these woman (with the exception of 1) no longer need to work since they received their husband's life insurance, and it's hard to hear how much ease they have in their life even though their spouse has died.

I think your theory is right, most people are not comfortable taking about death and loss, it's like a taboo topic to discuss because it can bring up a lot of difficult feelings like anxiety, fear, sadness or feelings of awkwardness. As a culture we tend to pretend like it's not going to happen and avoid it. For me I won't stop talking, I won't lie and I won't hide. I've already lost so much that I won't lose myself. I'm changed and I carry a soul wound, but I won't lose my core self.

I suppose that's true, although it depends on family dynamics. My exhusbands family was somewhat dysfunctional, so friendships were valued during that time. My late husbands family is all over, one brother in Budapest, another on Vancouver Island, his mom and another brother in the GTA, so no cotact with them really as they don't live close to me. My family is super small, my dad, one sister who is close but we're so different we don't do things together. My daughter and I are very close, but she's busy with her career and caring for a toddler. My mom died when I was 4yrs so I don't know anyone on her side of the family, rather sad really, but that's life with all it's twists.

So sorry for your loss, and that you weren't on good terms before she died. I can't exactly relate to your situation as sadly I never knew either of my grandmothers, however... I do know what it feels like to have unfinished business around a death. I had unsaid and unfinished conversations when my late husband died. First, if everyone is moving on with their lives as you say, it's important not to compare your grief journey with theirs. Your journey is as unique as the relationship you had with her. Second, if there are unsaid words, or apologies you can think about writing a letter to your late grandmother. Say everything you want to say in the letter, apologize, state your love, write that you miss her, write out whatever you feel you want to say. Sorry your heart is hurting - I hope you can find a path to peace.

I trialed other grief support groups, I find they weren't helpful, more of a reminder of loss. I know I'm part of the 'widow club', but I don't like to be reminded of it, just seems counterintuitive as I'm doing what I can to move forward. I'm now searching to find some common interest groups. I may join a dance class and I'm planning to join a strength training group at a small local gym to regain some of my strength and muscle tone I've lost due to inactivity the last 2 yrs. I like your positivity to work on your mental health, it's so important to have a healthy goals to work towards as we move forward with life. I've had enough ups and downs that I now realize the downs are temporary and there will be another up, even if I have to create one by focusing on what I'm grateful for. Gratitude always helps me get out of the dips that happen. I found this great graphic that explains grief in a realistic way, and shows how one's life grows around grief. I'm definately gonna work on that.

I like this promise or focus you have. Do you find it hard to do? I feel I'm a different person since Michael's death, and I can't fully connect to who I was before. That's a strange feeling. I still feel like I'm living in a fog, it's not as thick as the first year or so, but it's still hazy. It makes it hard to feel connected to myself, or maybe I've change in such a profound way that I don't know how to connect to person I am now. Maybe I'm resisting to adjust to the person I am now because I've changed so much and I don't like it. Or maybe it's the loneliness that's changed me.

It's such a strange phenomenon that friendships end after a death. At first friends are there, like the day of, and they say they'll call weekly to make sure I'm ok. They do, then life goes on and the calls stop and the loneliness sets in. As we noted before, out losses are close (my husband died Dec 2020) so it was the peak of the pandemic, everyone was told to stay within their own covid bubbles which limited connects. People became so self-protecting that when restrictions lifted they maintained their tight bubbles. I've tried to reconnect with a select few friends hoping for reconnection, but as I mentioned I get ghosted, or they tell me how busy they are with their lives, so I listened between their words and realize that I don't fit into their life any more.

Ya, it's really confusing why my friendships faded. It just created more loss which lead to further loneliness. It's sad it happened to you too, and to so many others. I joined a widows group last year with the hope to make friends, but they're all retired and older so I couldn't relate to them. They talk about the retirement facilities they live in, and discuss with others who are thinking of selling their homes which one to move into because they offer activities such as bingo. Playing bridge, bingo or cribbage is so not me, even down the road when I am retired this will not be me. Then there are others that talk about all their travels as they have the finacial means to do so. Again that's not me. They are all lovely woman, but either way I can't relate to any of them. Thx James, I believe that you wouldn't ghost me. btw, you're still in my prayers.