My boyfriend of 2.5 years lost his mother unexpectedly 3 months ago. Ever since then we haven’t spend much time together. I understand that he is grieving and that he is going through the darkest time of his life.
A little background: Last year was bad for us, both individually and as a couple. He lost all his contracts and basically his company and everything he worked for over the last 10 years. We fought about stupid stuff like doing the dishes and I admit I didn’t realise how bad he was really feeling about everything, even though he sometimes tried to talk to me telling me he was so unhappy and lost in life. When I asked him if he was unhappy with us, he always said no not with us but with everything else.
He had a gut feeling that something bad was going to happen, but he didn’t know why he felt that way. He mentioned that a lot over the last year. In December his mom got sick, and it turned out to be final stage cancer... His, our whole world stopped. We tried everything we could and even got her transferred to specialists in the hopes of more time. She passed six weeks later.
Understandably our relationship or our future plans are the last thing on his mind. I completely understand that and I don’t want to pressure him into any decisions or just to go on with life. But the problem is, he doesn’t care about anything anymore. He regrets everything he did in life. That he left his home town 12 years ago to start his business in our city (5 hours away). That he didn’t see his mom / parents that often last year because of COVID. He also kind of blames me for this because I was always extremely worried about him/us maybe exposing his parents. I also didn’t see my parents (who live in our city) for at least the first half of 2020.
And now lately he tells me how unhappy he also was with our relationship over the last year. So he doubts his whole life. He was always a workaholic. Now he doesn’t care about anything anymore. He lost his last contract 5 weeks ago, because he decided to stay in his home town and not come back to our city to work. He has no job, has debts and now his dad pays the rent of his office space and his insurances. Something he would normally never accept, and now he just says „I don’t care.“ He now is back in our city, but doesn’t want to „come home“. He tells me he sleeps in his office.
He basically moved out of our shared apartment and our shared life after it happened and now tells me he doesn’t want to come back. He is not asking for a break up, but for „time and space apart“ so he can figure everything out. I love him with all my heart, and even though I can’t help but feel abandoned, I know I need to give him the time he asks for. It is just so hard and I’m so anxious. He also gives me mixed feelings. Asking for time and space, but still texting me a lot asking what I’m doing etc.
I would really appreciate any advice how to deal with this situation in a healthy way. At the moment I feel there is nothing I can do but to focus on my life. Which feels so wrong, because it used to be our life. Of course we are and were both individuals but we had a very close, saying I love you everyday, couldn’t be a day without each other and when apart being constantly on the phone-relationship. I know that could be too much for others, for us it worked. And I would give anything for us to be that team again we used to be. It also breaks my heart knowing I can’t support him or just be there for him while he is grieving the biggest loss of his life...
