Hi all -
On Saturday, I had to put down my beautiful little girl that I had for 16 years, Miss Tizzy. I've lost pets before, but this one was truly special to me - she was originally a street cat that I took into my home when she was pretty young, likely around a year old, and she's been the one constant in my life over all these years. The number of trials and tribulations we went through together would make a pretty long list - she had a number of health issues, including being diagnosed FIV+ early on, likely from a rat bite she suffered when she was outside (which was the catalyst to adopting her), and I had a number of personal things I went through in those years, and she was always there for me.
I know it's still raw, and things will get better with time, but it hurts so, so much. I work from home full time, so every day she would be on my lap or next to me, getting pets and having our morning chats and just enjoying each others company, and now she's gone and there's a huge hole in my life. The first thing I did every morning was say hello to her, and the last thing I did every night was make sure she was safe before I went to bed. It's a monumental struggle to get out of bed now, knowing the first thing I have to face is the emptiness of the spot where her bed used to be, that there's one less bowl to fill with food, and on and on and on. I have a good life, I'm in a loving marriage with 2 stepkids that are good kids and we have other pets, but now it's all been thrown into a bit of chaos, and I'm just struggling.
I'm also haunted by the last bit of time I had with her. In retrospect, we're pretty sure she was going through renal failure and losing her eyesight. When it started, I laid on the floor with her, petting her and telling her over and over that I was with her, but she likely couldn't hear, see, or smell anything at that point (pretty sure she had lost her hearing well before this, and she had chronic rhinitis for years, so smell was pretty much not happening). Looking into her eyes and seeing her trying to grasp on to anything - she had these big, beautiful eyes on a little tiny body, and I've learned now that her retinas were detaching and she was searching and searching and searching for a vision, a smell, anything ... well, I just can't seem to get that out of my head, and she was like that for the whole ride to the vet to say goodbye while I held her in my arms. The one consolation I have is that it wasn't a difficult decision in the end, but that a small drop in a bucket of tears. I hate the word hate, and I hate that that's the last memory I have of her.
I know it'll get better. I've been through this before - I've lost my parents, close friends, and other pets, so I know it just takes time. I just miss her so much, and I'm a jumble of emotions, including a lot of frustration that something so special could be taken away in such an awful way.
Please hug your pets a little tighter for me today, and I'll do the same with mine.