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I had the same experience—not feeling like I deserved kindness. Or it made me feel guilty or even more sad. Maybe it’s just that it’s a reminder that something terrible happened. It helped me to say ‘this is really hard’ or when I felt guilty, ‘it’s really hard to feel guilty on top of feeling sad’. I’m glad to hear you have others to reach out to and I hope you are able to get some rest and take care of yourself ❤️

I am so sorry. My dad died a little over a year ago now and I was completely overwhelmed by grief and undone by how physically painful it was. I felt crazy. I felt so guilty, I blamed myself, it felt wretched. The intense feelings you are having are a very normal response to the pain of losing someone you love, and those feelings will becomes less intense. The guilt and regret is also normal but please be kind to yourself because you are going through something really, really hard.

Hi Jennifer- First, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad unexpectedly and suddenly and it is not something you can ever be prepared for; grief can be very overwhelming and scary. I dealt with a ton of guilt and one thing I learned is that guilt is a normal part of the grief process, almost universal. The what-ifs and the would haves, could haves, should haves make us feel like we can control something uncontrollable. This is very human. But just because you FEEL guilt doesn't mean that you are actually guilty of doing something wrong, as kayc said. Something related to this that I have learned through therapy is that guilt can be related to perfectionism...we feel that we should get everything right and beat ourselves up when we don't, when the truth is that we are doing the best we can, in every moment. We don't have the benefit of hindsight, and hindsight can fool us into thinking "I should have known", when is there is no we could have. From what I can tell, you were absolutely doing the best you could. Important to note that there is no but. As in, not "the best I could...BUT I should have known/done x,y,z." Just you were doing your best. You were trying to be there for your mom during a really challenging time. It sounds like it was really hard, and there were a lot of complicated things going on. Most likely, the medical team members were also doing their best. Not to downplay anything if there truly was an error, but as a former cancer RN I can say that it sounds like she had a pretty aggressive cancer (sounds like Stage IV) and probably required complex care. The point is just to say that her death is not any one person's fault or the result of one decision, but of many many different decisions, made by people who were trying to do the right thing. I hope this helps. I spent a lot of time beating myself up for things I didn't do/say/know, but I now realize I WAS doing the best I could, as an imperfect human, and more importantly that my dad has forgiven me for anything I feel I did "wrong". I'm sure your mom would forgive you too

Totally get it. I had people telling me not to feel this way or that way, and it was well intended, but not helpful

I am so truly sorry for your loss. My dad passed unexpectedly 4 months ago and I remember so well that crippling feeling of grief and thinking I couldn’t possibly go on feeling that way. I had some dark thoughts and it was incredibly hard. But with the support of family and friends, therapy and the work that came with it to experience/process my grief and guilt, and the passage of time, it no longer feels crippling. It does really feel like madness at first, or like you’re crazy, and you’re not alone if you feel that way. But I would say pay attention to these feelings and experience them. Trying to suppress or avoid them makes it worse (although I think there is a healthy amount of avoidance needed sometimes). And one day you’ll wake up and your heart will be a little lighter—and maybe the next day not—but over time it will feel less intense. I know it is different for everyone but that was the case for me. Sending you my thoughts and prayers 💕

I’m so sorry to hear of this loss, for you and your boyfriend. I lost my dad, 73, suddenly and unexpectedly on May 13th and I will tell you it flips your life upside down and for me the grief process has been confusing, scary, unpredictable, and truly all consuming. To kayc’s point, being in a relationship during this tornado of emotions is challenging, or at least is has been for me, because I’m trying to grieve and make sense of this new world and its hard to participate in my marriage at the same time. My husband has been supportive, has shown up, listened to my grief outbursts and comforted me, but I have to tell you that I’d rather be alone right now, or with my immediate family only. It’s not personal, and he’s doing all the right things, but that’s just how I feel. He just didn’t know my dad like I did and isn’t going through this process. It feels very lonely. All regular life stuff seems like a chore and a burden, and I get easily irritated or annoyed with my husband when he is just trying to plan the day or engage me in conversation. (Again, my experience, not everyone’s, but I think there’s some universality to these feelings.) We have been through rough patches before and I know we’ll get through this, but I can very easily see how a loss like this could end a relationship or marriage, or greatly alter it. I agree with kayc that you can’t bring this up with him because it would just add more stress and that’s just not fair or kind. He is probably not thinking of the future, or your grief experience—that’s not his responsibility right now. Likely he is just trying to get through each day, each hour, each minute without absolutely losing it. My advice? Keep the space but be there if and when he needs you, and get back to him right away if he calls/texts when you’re not home. If he wants to talk about her, listen attentively, but don’t bring her up yourself. Don’t post about her or any of this on social media (not that you would even think to do this, just general advice). Listen to it all and if you don’t know the right thing to say, that’s okay. It’s okay to not know how to handle these feelings, but you can tell him it’s normal to feel these things, okay to feel these things. It should get less intense. Be there with a hug or to hold his hand if it seems appropriate but don’t expect/initiate intimacy. Make meals and keep the pantry full, without asking. If he’s truly drinking an unsafe amount, or driving drunk that’s one thing, but substance use during grief is common as a way to dull the pain of loss. Not saying it’s great or healthy, but it’s not unexpected. Try to let what’s happening happen, you will both get through it. I don’t think you’re being selfish to stupid by the way, you are also trying to sense out of it all. I think at some point it will become clear that your relationship is or isn’t going to make it, and you will have to cross that bridge when you come to it. Good luck to you both. My heart goes out to him and I hope he finds a moment or two of peace or happiness today.

kayC I just wanted to let you know that the video you recommended has been so helpful, I’ve been meditating along with it daily and it has been a lifesaver—his advice is to treat yourself like a good friend would, without judgement and with kindness. Such an important message for anyone dealing with guilt. Thank you again for the help. (The articles were great too 🙂)

Thank you KayC for the kind words--I had not thought of it that way and it's a good point. I also appreciate the links and video and I will be reading/watching these when I can't sleep tonight I'm sure

Sheetal, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My father also died suddenly, only a week ago, and because it could possibly have been prevented (we'll never know for sure) it feels unbearable. I had not seen him in over a year and a half due to Covid, which of course makes it worse as you mentioned. My dad was gone in a matter of minutes and I too feel like this is incredibly unfair. As far as your mom, it sounds like you are being really supportive but also at a loss as far as what to do to help. I can only say that continuing to check in and offering her a place to stay at your house. Perhaps she will come around when she is not so acutely grieving and ready to be around others.

My dad, who was very healthy and active, died suddenly last week from a presumed pulmonary embolism. This was related to a knee surgery for a really dumb injury, and unfortunately he was not advised on routine blood clot prevention strategies by the surgeon, although he was started on aspirin, and was also seen in Urgent Care the day of his death and they did not suspect a blood clot. I do not blame these people, although I really wish they had been more thorough, but I very much blame myself. I'm a nurse and aware of the risk of blood clots with these surgeries, but I didn't take the time to talk to him about this and make sure he was aware of symptoms. Hindsight is easier of course, but I feel like I've let down my dad as well as my whole family by not stepping in and making sure he was doing all the right things. At the time it seemed like such a straightforward surgery, and he was doing well, starting PT etc, but I also presumed that his care was covered by the surgeon and that they would have gone over these things as part of the risk of surgery and post op follow up so I just didn't even think to go there--I was finishing up school and accepting a new job and maybe I was just preoccupied. I am kicking myself (putting it lightly) and feel like I will never be able to forgive myself for this. I know guilt is a part of grief but want to know if others have experienced this feeling of responsibility for someone's death (whether direct or indirect) and how they dealt with it. Should I head straight to counseling or give it time? Should I share these feelings with my siblings and other family, or would that be selfish of me? I did share with my mom about my regrets as it just came up in conversation and she told me that she does not blame me and knows that my father wouldn't want me to, but I can't help it. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.