Ztyu123

Disclaimer: I am not accomplished author Sara Rian, nor do I own the rights to her intellectual property.

“Sometimes …. the me inside sounds like screaming inside a 44 gallon drum. Just anguished screams filling every square centimetre… …. bouncing off walls and crashing back again…. echoing off each other for all eternity. And the louder she screams, the more it hurts and louder she screams and the more it hurts……… But lately…. the me inside sounds different. Smaller. Emptier. Lately….. the me inside sounds like like the mournful hum of someone blowing air into an empty bottle. Like all she can do is play that same hollow tune over and over, with the only breath she has left. There is nothing else, just her small emptiness…. and that sad sound she tries to fill it with.” Ranata Suzuki -The me inside misses you “Anguish….It’s one of those words you understand the meaning of just by the way that it sounds. It has this gnarling rasp to it as you twist your mouth around to say it…. kind of like what feeling it does to your insides. It’s an awful…. drawn out, knotted up word.It’s also one of the things I feel without you.”

How?

August 20th 2021 was 2 years, 0 months and 1 day ago, which is 731 days. It was on a Friday and was in week 33 of 2021. How many months ago was August 20th 2021? 24 months How many weeks ago was August 20th 2021? 104 weeks How many days ago was August 20th 2021? 731 days How many hours ago was August 20th 2021? 17,541 hours How many minutes ago was August 20th 2021? 1,052,478 minutes How many seconds ago was August 20th 2021? 63,148,697 seconds ........you left

..but it's not or maybe it is and Im unable to wake up...

Is it wrong and selfish to grieve?? Shouldn't I be happy that they're gone and possibly not hurting? That they don't have to deal with the world, depression, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, emotionally, struggling?? Missing and grieving feels narcissistic and selfish. It feels all about me instead of them.

Here's the point where I start testing theories and different scenarios in my head of different ways to save you two ...it all works out in the end... Reality is none of these can ever be tested .it all doesn't work out in the end ... Nothing will ever again. I hate it here.

Here is the point Ollie where I start wrecking my brain trying to figure out what happened...and what happened to you.. You were in one piece ...with nothing leaking or scattered....on the asphalt of no one giving a damn but me.... What happened to you?? You never journied nor strayed from the back. You often slept in our yard.. How did you end up in the front?? Was it a dog? Were you hit and someone just took you there and dumped you? Were you grabbed, tortured, and dumped?? You were faced like you were trying to get back to me... Were you?? Why did I know?? Why couldn't I save you??? Why didn't I save you?? Why wasn't it the both of us?? I wish I knew what happened. Now all that's left is tears and destruction. It's too much. It's just too much. I'm soo sorry Ollie and Jada .. Im so sorry. It's all my fault. All my fault.

It's all my fault.. Now all I have is useless and unresponsive unrecognizable apologies..for the remainder... I'm a coward and I'm useless... I should have said something... I should have done something.. I let Jada down and Oliver. I let them down. I watched..and I watched silently. I shouldn't have let them bag you Ollie. I stood right there and didn't say anything. I watched them. I should have rescued you off the streets. I should have rescued your remains. I had time..before they came. There was time.. I just couldn't see you like that.. I could have finally gotten you a home. And Jada...I failed you ... I failed you both.. It's all my fault. The only rewind button is in my head .. And it doesn't work in real life.. I'll be forever rewinding and apologizing... I'm such a pathetic worthless coward I'm sorry I failed you both.. If there's an "after"... I can understand if you two don't want to ever see me again.

Heartbroken and destroyed further. Found out a cat named Ollie that I fed and trying to get off the streets for many years ... Was hit and killed today or maybe last night.... And they left him there.... Maybe he was still alive afterwards....even if he wasn't..they left him. I just spent time with him yesterday....if I had known....I would have tried to spend more or something.... I had someone coming to collect his remains to bury him... Unfortunately they couldn't get here in time and the garbage collectors came, bagged up his remains and threw them in the truck.... Like he was nothing... He wasn't garbage. He hated and was scared of plastic bags...smh.. now he wind up in one... I wish I could have saved you Oliver..... It's all my fault.. For this too.... My sweet baby Jada and now my handsome boy Ollie.. Can't stop crying and further spiraling.

Please...

They've destroyed yet again. They've obliterated yet again the very small portion of peace, refugee, and sanctuary that I've ever had in life. I've had a terrible life, and just three things I was ultimately living for My Jada, my mini garden/oasis, and taking care of my ailing foster mom that I've lived with since 11..I'm an older lady now....the chances of my life miraculously getting better are slim to none. It's not a chance. Yesterday they were only supposed to be fixing the holes in and out of the house ...instead they..... Ripped and butchered my beautiful tree full of life and memories out from it's resting spot. They claim it was messing up the concrete and that it was dead anyways.. it's just lies after lies with these people... anything to justify the non justifiable. Anything to kill... Anything to take out what's eating , killing and tormenting themselves alive...deep down inside The tree was innocent. The mud that sand was poured on was innocent. The grass that sprouting up from the ground was innocent. The life living under that grass that was poured concrete on was innocent. You and I existed back there. You touched everything. We hide. We hid. We played. We remained quiet. We thought. We were safe. Untouchable. Invincible... Everything that you've ever touched my sweet baby girl... I don't understand why you and I are hated so much. Why people seem to want to seperate us further.... Why are we erasable? Are you and I never going to be together again?? Is this a foreshadowing of what isn't to ever come?? Look at what was done to us.