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Ztyu123

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    18
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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Na
  • Date of Death
    08/20/2021
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Na

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  • Your gender
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  • Location (city, state)
    Philadelphia

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  1. Ztyu123

    Honest

    I don't know what to do anymore or what to make out of what's left of me.. That creation won't be attractive
  2. Ztyu123

    Honestly

    I'm the lowest I've ever been considering I've never been high. Everything has always gone wrong in my life, you were the only thing right in mine. Everything is going haywire I'm unhinged Deeply depressed Full of a never ending pain Ever since "It" happened I didnt save you Keeps repeating over and over again in my head. I don't want to admit that I couldn't. I miss you If tears could bring me to you now I'd never stop crying
  3. Ztyu123

    Still

    I busy my mind to reroute and distract my tears. In case I'll ever need my eyes to pick up the fallen pieces. I can't stop Missing you Thinking about you Wishing we were Still creating memories Together And not Apart.
  4. I've stopped the count, honestly all days blend and bleed into one another. I just know that my heart's still constantly being poured with overflowing pain. It has become a lifetime ago.. A lifetime ago cardboard boxes became rocketships and tiny homes, snowglobes became reality, logistics never spoke, and the heart could care less about rationality. I wished I still lived in that impenetrable, inescapable snowglobe with you and the others. Forever wasn't supposed to shatter.
  5. It's been 52 days. It's been 1,248 hours since you've been the "G" word. It's been 52 days. It's been 1,248 hours and since then: I've tried not to say your name for 52 days, 1,248 hours I've cried 52 days, 1,248 hours I've haven't bathed for 52 days, 1,248 hours. I've run away for 52 days, 1,248 hours. I've been numb, lifeless, motionless, for 52 days, 1,248 hours. I will remain breathless Without you always. I miss you soo soo much.
  6. Today was the first time that I've ordered groceries without your presence..it wasn't a great experience. I feel like I am a ticking timebomb that only you can dismantle I honestly lived to be in your presence. I have nothing now. I am nothing
  7. Every second, every day, every minute. You're on my mind, you're in my heart. I'm soo numb, and lost without you. I have zero direction or motivation. I don't know what to do without you. I'm sorry for not being able to cry all of the time like I used to..its not because I don't love you anymore (always have and always will) I'm just numb and have grown emotionless and cold. I want to cry and breakdown often, but I can't sometimes and I hate it. I hate it. Wish you could have stayed longer, or I could go with you now or know for sure what to pack wherever u are. This is torture and the worst pain that I've ever experienced..I hope that it's still not for you. I hope that you are happy and loved still..wherever you are. If you're still hanging around here because of my unhappiness, I will fake being happy just so that u can go on to the next phase. I love you . I miss you.. always thinking of you
  8. My boyfriend well ex now broke up with me because I'm physically disabled with severe heart problems which limit me, take care of my elderly mom and unable to see him outside of my home. He basically throws tantrums because he saids that I'm not compromising and its been a one sided relationship. it has been one sided, I've been in a relationship by myself, begging to see him always but since he cant get his way, refuses to see me sometimes for months. hes focused on the wrong things when it comes to relationships. I'm soo heartbroken . I've lost everything... I lost my furry baby on 08/20/2021 she was my world and literally the reason I was alive I live with a verbally abusive toxic foster mother alone and has been around her family for almost 30 years. She is almost 90 and still hurling insults, that get crueler everyday. Despite that I live to take care of her 24/7. to None of them love me and never have taken the time out to ever have a conversation with me. They all are verbally abusive towards me..I feel soo low . I lost my biological mom almost 25 years ago.. the only one to truly love me and cared. Everyday I still cry about it.. I don't have any friends. From childhood to now and beyond no one ever wanted to be bothered with me or ever befriended me and I've been bullied and just alone depressed and lonely my entire life My health is declining, although I can do some things with struggling, most I can not so I'm in bed most of the day. I will never be employed, SSI keeps declining me, so I have no money whatsoever, no other place to go I know it's highly toxic but I try to keep my ex around because I have no one else to talk to , basically I have no one to talk to because he ignores me about 95 percent of the time, and when he doesn't he's being verbally abusive and always dismissive towards me too. He looks down upon me too. He really thinks that I'm a loser and he feels sorry for me and pity's me that's why hes still barely around. I stare at my phone all day long watching videos. Trying to busy my mind and the silence. I wish I had someone to talk to , I wish someone genuinely liked me and didn't think that I'm a loser and pitied me for being one. I'm very lonely and depressed so I'm just stuck I wish that I wasn't living anymore I don't have any to look forward to or live for I am not needed I am not wanted
  9. Ztyu123

    You cant

    If you have to refer to another being with the breath of life as a "pet" or "animal". You can't begin to understand my pain
  10. I couldn't save you, Now I can't see Nor Save myself. You deserved better than someone pathetic like me You deserved better in life. I'm sorry that I couldn't give it to you in life Maybe I can make it up to you Really soon In the aftermath
  11. I'm not doing well or close to it I miss you every second with everything in me My arms miss you .....with absence and space My face misses you ....with tears. My heart misses you...with emptiness. I hated cleaning today, I will never erase you I hate not crying automatically anymore, because I feel like my heart has betrayed the both of us. I honestly don't want to live. I will never be happy without you. There's nothing to discuss with a therapist, nor do I need one. Theres nothing wrong with trying to achieve a hopeful happiness , and state of mind, Please don't post hotlines I'm not suicidal I'm trying to live Life isn't achievable here.
  12. I just can't crying constantly or I can't stop loving you or thinking about you constantly. Your death has changed me in terrible, soul numbing, non caring ways. If I were sure we'd be together forever in wherever you are now, I would go in a heartbeat now. Tired of people insisting that you're in a better place and no longer suffering. They have no proof. But maybe you aren't anywhere better but worse, maybe you are still suffering somehow. I don't have faith, I have tears. Your death is the bitterest pill to swallow that I keep regurgitating
  13. Ztyu123

    No one

    No one understands my grief but me
  14. It's been 42 days. I use to micromanage the count. I don't know if I am counting up to meet you Or if I am really counting down to my ultimate breakdown and destruction.. All day I try to shy away from the light to think of you All evening I sit in our darkened room and think of you All night I sit in our darkened room in the silence and think of you. All I know is staring at walls now Staring at walls in empty rooms in an empty house that isn't home anymore. I barely eat, but I haven't eaten in 3 days, haven't had any water, I haven't brushed my teeth even though they're probably ridden with gingivitis, I still smell, I still haven't bathed, haven't done my hair, haven't done anything but cry and stare at walls. You are my everything. I lost it all. I lost life.
  15. Ztyu123

    Proof

    I need actual proof that my girl is okay, I can't take my dreams seriously because they may be stemming from guilt, not being able to say goodbye, blame, sadness, depression, etc... If I am thinking about her constantly and/or looking at pictures of her, and then at night I dream of her, I feel as though I conjured the memory up, not her actual self as she exists now. I need proof from a higher power, from the ultimate force or engeries that created everything. Physical proof.. I need something in my hand when I wake up or to find something that is out in the open for my eyes only that I've never seen nor owned before, seen in a dream with her in it, that would give me hope and belief. A dream that has her telling me that she's okay, isn't good enough for me. It probably only came on because I want her to be okay and happy. I would believe if I had actual physical long lasting proof. I don't believe in the ability to "will" or to demand that she come to me and if she came to me in a dream soon after that it would be real, nor real enough to be proof. She has to freely come to me..Sorry for all of the losees
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