Ztyu123

Disclaimer: I am not accomplished author Sara Rian, nor do I own the rights to her intellectual property.

“Sometimes …. the me inside sounds like screaming inside a 44 gallon drum. Just anguished screams filling every square centimetre… …. bouncing off walls and crashing back again…. echoing off each other for all eternity. And the louder she screams, the more it hurts and louder she screams and the more it hurts……… But lately…. the me inside sounds different. Smaller. Emptier. Lately….. the me inside sounds like like the mournful hum of someone blowing air into an empty bottle. Like all she can do is play that same hollow tune over and over, with the only breath she has left. There is nothing else, just her small emptiness…. and that sad sound she tries to fill it with.” Ranata Suzuki -The me inside misses you “Anguish….It’s one of those words you understand the meaning of just by the way that it sounds. It has this gnarling rasp to it as you twist your mouth around to say it…. kind of like what feeling it does to your insides. It’s an awful…. drawn out, knotted up word.It’s also one of the things I feel without you.”

How?

August 20th 2021 was 2 years, 0 months and 1 day ago, which is 731 days. It was on a Friday and was in week 33 of 2021. How many months ago was August 20th 2021? 24 months How many weeks ago was August 20th 2021? 104 weeks How many days ago was August 20th 2021? 731 days How many hours ago was August 20th 2021? 17,541 hours How many minutes ago was August 20th 2021? 1,052,478 minutes How many seconds ago was August 20th 2021? 63,148,697 seconds ........you left

..but it's not or maybe it is and Im unable to wake up...

Is it wrong and selfish to grieve?? Shouldn't I be happy that they're gone and possibly not hurting? That they don't have to deal with the world, depression, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, emotionally, struggling?? Missing and grieving feels narcissistic and selfish. It feels all about me instead of them.

Here's the point where I start testing theories and different scenarios in my head of different ways to save you two ...it all works out in the end... Reality is none of these can ever be tested .it all doesn't work out in the end ... Nothing will ever again. I hate it here.

Here is the point Ollie where I start wrecking my brain trying to figure out what happened...and what happened to you.. You were in one piece ...with nothing leaking or scattered....on the asphalt of no one giving a damn but me.... What happened to you?? You never journied nor strayed from the back. You often slept in our yard.. How did you end up in the front?? Was it a dog? Were you hit and someone just took you there and dumped you? Were you grabbed, tortured, and dumped?? You were faced like you were trying to get back to me... Were you?? Why did I know?? Why couldn't I save you??? Why didn't I save you?? Why wasn't it the both of us?? I wish I knew what happened. Now all that's left is tears and destruction. It's too much. It's just too much. I'm soo sorry Ollie and Jada .. Im so sorry. It's all my fault. All my fault.

It's all my fault.. Now all I have is useless and unresponsive unrecognizable apologies..for the remainder... I'm a coward and I'm useless... I should have said something... I should have done something.. I let Jada down and Oliver. I let them down. I watched..and I watched silently. I shouldn't have let them bag you Ollie. I stood right there and didn't say anything. I watched them. I should have rescued you off the streets. I should have rescued your remains. I had time..before they came. There was time.. I just couldn't see you like that.. I could have finally gotten you a home. And Jada...I failed you ... I failed you both.. It's all my fault. The only rewind button is in my head .. And it doesn't work in real life.. I'll be forever rewinding and apologizing... I'm such a pathetic worthless coward I'm sorry I failed you both.. If there's an "after"... I can understand if you two don't want to ever see me again.

Heartbroken and destroyed further. Found out a cat named Ollie that I fed and trying to get off the streets for many years ... Was hit and killed today or maybe last night.... And they left him there.... Maybe he was still alive afterwards....even if he wasn't..they left him. I just spent time with him yesterday....if I had known....I would have tried to spend more or something.... I had someone coming to collect his remains to bury him... Unfortunately they couldn't get here in time and the garbage collectors came, bagged up his remains and threw them in the truck.... Like he was nothing... He wasn't garbage. He hated and was scared of plastic bags...smh.. now he wind up in one... I wish I could have saved you Oliver..... It's all my fault.. For this too.... My sweet baby Jada and now my handsome boy Ollie.. Can't stop crying and further spiraling.

Please...

They've destroyed yet again. They've obliterated yet again the very small portion of peace, refugee, and sanctuary that I've ever had in life. I've had a terrible life, and just three things I was ultimately living for My Jada, my mini garden/oasis, and taking care of my ailing foster mom that I've lived with since 11..I'm an older lady now....the chances of my life miraculously getting better are slim to none. It's not a chance. Yesterday they were only supposed to be fixing the holes in and out of the house ...instead they..... Ripped and butchered my beautiful tree full of life and memories out from it's resting spot. They claim it was messing up the concrete and that it was dead anyways.. it's just lies after lies with these people... anything to justify the non justifiable. Anything to kill... Anything to take out what's eating , killing and tormenting themselves alive...deep down inside The tree was innocent. The mud that sand was poured on was innocent. The grass that sprouting up from the ground was innocent. The life living under that grass that was poured concrete on was innocent. You and I existed back there. You touched everything. We hide. We hid. We played. We remained quiet. We thought. We were safe. Untouchable. Invincible... Everything that you've ever touched my sweet baby girl... I don't understand why you and I are hated so much. Why people seem to want to seperate us further.... Why are we erasable? Are you and I never going to be together again?? Is this a foreshadowing of what isn't to ever come?? Look at what was done to us.

I miss my baby girl....alot...more than anyone will ever know My "family" threw her bed and some of her things out....but I was able to recover her bed from the rubbish....and I lugged it back in our room... I hope that my baby forgives me....I wanted to leave her bed as is with covers and all....but in order for them to leave it alone.... Possibly.. I had to buy a bed frame and make it like I was going to use it for a bed ... I sleep on a sofa ... my baby had my mom's old queen sized mattress... I really hate that I did that. It deeply hurts me.. I just want to be with my baby. There's nothing for me here. I've been miserably pretending that I'm "happy" and "alright" around everyone.....so they can leave me alone....leave us to be together in grief ... But I'll never be okay ....I never was ..I never will be ..I had a terrible life, and my baby's presence in my life made me feel Worthy of life... I wasn't worthy. I'm still not. I will never be because I couldn't save her, and I need to be with her soon.. She saved me, and I couldn't save her. I wasn't worthy of her being in my life... I couldn't even give her the life ... perhaps "passing" that she deserved. I'm useless I just want to be my authentic numb very depressed self..... I'm tired of sneaking and hiding in places or waiting until night to cry and melt further I'm tired of it all. Please forgive me Jada.

The people who were partially responsible for your tragic suffering and demise...... Have made a mockery and as far as I'm concerned....a criminal offense In regards to the memory of you. They want you extinct. They want you out of existence.. They want us both gone.... Forever... We're both removed for ever... already.. They want to hammer the final nail in the coffin... For, the last week.... Since we have a minor mouse problem that they see as a problem but I will never view a species struggle to adapt and survive and make the best of what life gave them...a problem... They've been pushing for a cat. They say this is what you need. They say it's for the best.. How melancholic, and such paradoxical oxymoronic statements and cruelty... All I needed was you. They made us exist at a distance.. I watched you experience some of the cruelest confusing moments of your life ... We begged and pleaded.... But it cost us our blood. They ignored. Us. I'll never let you go... And one way or another.... I'll join you s oon...or endlessly and repetitively die trying to get to you.

Tried to rush out to collect packages from my steps.. unspotted...as I usually do.. Unfortunately neighbors spotted me.. They barraged and interrogated me.... With questions and unsolicited offensive hurtful suggestions in regards to you. Them: Haven't seen you or the dog in awhile. Me: Jada. A living being. Not a social constructed label. Them: I'm assuming she passed. Me: Yes. Them: When? Me: 2 years in August. Them: are you going to get a new one? Me: Jada can never be replaced. Them: I'm surprised because you love animals. Me: She wasn't that label. Them: She's never coming back ..you should get a pooch... Me: No one knows that. Who said she's gone? I don't know what that is.... Them: You look well. Have you been okay? Me: (looks in mirror everyday I look like death and removed.. because death has removed me) You do too. (Lies) Yes I'm okay. Thanks for asking. Them: Why don't you get another one? Me: (lies again) I'll think about it. Them: You should get another one..it would be great for you. Me: (lies again) it's not time yet. Them: It would be really nice for you. Me: (lies again) Maybe. (Lies to escape) Take care. Have a good day. I run into the house, throw myself across the bed, breakdown and meltdown. I'm soo sorry, my sweet baby girl. I couldn't do better. I couldn't give you the life you deserved. I didn't do right by you... I couldn't save you. I'm sorry people are cruel now and before... I love you soo much ..I miss you soo much... I hope you know. I cried myself to sleep ..I stay that way for 2 days..crying as usual...and sleeping....hoping to catch you in a dream...... I never do. The pain is worse now..more intense

I cancelled my appointment today because it's right across the street from one of our favorite places to walk daily. I got extremely triggered, riddled with anxiety, and broke down in pieces...melted in a puddle.. I lost you again when you escaped my eyes. I would have had to be there without you... I'll never be ready... Life is nothing without you. Please come and take me with you...or give me directions..

HURT It didn't hurt me. Not 'hurt'. Hurt is a four-letter word. It's short, almost cute sounding. 'Aawwww, did that hurt?' No. It didn't hurt. Destroyed, obliterated, desecrated, annihilated, demolished, shattered, or demoralised maybe... But no, it didn't hurt me. It didn't 'hurt' me at all. -Ranata Suzuki

"It comes in waves. It's an avalanche. A hurricane. A volcano. One time it's an explosion. The next a pyroclastic flow that bubbles up and melts into a mountain. It's deep. The Marianna Trench. It's darker than the emptiest spot in the sky. Heavier than the Himalayas. It's an eternity. It's never. It's a frozen drop of time. It's everywhere and it's nowhere. It will always be by you. And every moment it gets further away. It's the life between here and there. It's everything they weren't around to see. It's a part of you. It's a part of everything you touch now. Make sure you give it a proper home. Because, try as you might to be rid of it, it will stay with you until the day that you die." -Kalen Dion

I think of your face. your voice. your hands. to remind myself every day that it was real. you were here. and you were ours. just a quick reminder before I crash into your death again. -sara rian