Six weeks ago I lost my husband of 20 years. I keep reading there is no right way to grieve, but I am ashamed, embarrassed, concerned that i don't seem to be grieving at all. I loved him. He deserves to be mourned. What's wrong here? It helps to know there is actually a type of grieving called "absent grief." But I truly do want to feel the reality, the loss, no matter how bad it is. I am a person who is considered to be fairly self-aware. It seems I would have some inkling that I'm repressing my feelings, but I don't. Is that what it is? Repression? Another person has written about the need for community ritual to mourn her mother. I don't feel like that's my situation -- that I'm missing ritual.
I thought in the beginning that my anti-depressant was keeping me from feeling. Two weeks after the death, I had my dosage decreased by one-half. I'm not sure it's helping, but possibly. I do realize that the opposite often occurs -- people ask to have their dosage increased rather than decreased.
Thanks for any thoughts.