EMAL

I appreciate everyone who replied to this topic. I know there is a long road, but it feels less desolate to know there so many others on the same road. E.

I lost my husband of 46 years in early April. And I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I came into this forum because I desperately needed to know that someone else feels the same way I do. I have many casual friends, and am lucky to have two very close ones. And while we have gone through decades of life events together and they have always been there, I'm alone in this one. I've felt like I was on a deserted island and no one could really see me. The emotions are SO MUCH more complicated than I ever imagined. And I did imagine, because my husband was sick off and on for 25 years. So I was preparing. But I had no idea what I was preparing for. My husband was a talker and told wonderful and funny stories about his cowboy days and his childhood and he even made his trip to the grocery store into a humorous anecdote. And now the house is SO STILL. And I'm not laughing every day. The silence is thick and oppressive. Thank goodness for the tv and radio but I'm sick of needing them. His energy that lifted me up and led me to the next tractor to rebuild, or meal to cook, or trip to take is gone. Can I lift myself up? I have been, but I'm a little afraid that one day, I won't be able to. And then where will I turn? There is no one to reflect myself back to me. I live in an empty soundless cave. I'm not the most important person to ANYONE any more. And as a widow, I feel broken. I'm no longer part of a functioning unit. I don't fit in anywhere. And I'm tired of saying "I'm fine" when someone asks how I am because I can tell they don't REALLY want to know because they just don't know how to help. And I am so grateful when someone asks how I am and I can tell that they really DO want to know. And I tell them. Not the whole long tale, but I'm honest about how strange and foreign the world is without him. And how hard it is to talk about it because I don't always have words to describe this bizarre tilted world. How life feels surreal and crying is exhausting. I want to talk about this. I want us all to talk about this. We just don't want to discuss death because it's too scary to think that we will be part of this cycle sometime. It's such a relief to not feel like I need to comfort others for a change. We're all suffering here and I feel sad for all of us. And I don't want all this suffering to be for nothing. So share your experiences. How does it feel to wake up from a nightmare and there is no one there to comfort you? What gets you back to sleep? What does your house feel like now that you're alone in it? How can you drive around the town you shared with him since you were both kids and not fall apart? I sincerely want to get to a place where I'm OK. And I believe that it's possible because millions of ordinary people suffer this loss and most of them go on to live decent lives, even happy lives. And he would want that for me. That's a comfort. AND I don't feel this bereft every day. But it comes on suddenly, often when I come back home after being with friends. The quiet is staggering and the grief rises up and needs expression. Thank you all for sharing your pain and vulnerability and giving me a place to share mine. It's comforting to know that we are not truly alone.

Maybe ask your son where you can go from here. Ask him how his life is. Listen to him and listen some more and let yourself feel your broken heart and try as hard as you can to not defend yourself when his anger and disappointment show. We ALL need/want our parents no matter what stage of life we're in or how long it has been. Let him lead the way. Ask a therapist how you might proceed because you might need support to go back to this relationship and all the buried emotion that might come up. And remember that the doctor could not MAKE him call you. In some deep place, he wanted to. Good luck and remember to forgive yourself.

So Sorry, I got so caught up in telling my story that I forgot that the point was that just because you haven't felt the supposedly "normal" sadness yet, doesn't mean that you won't, OR that if you don't it's not normal. We are all unique beings and we go through events at different speeds and in different ways. That's what I needed to see and wanted to share.

Hi DLK, I came into this forum because I desperately needed to know that other people felt the way I have. There is SO MUCH complicated emotion, I had no idea! My husband of 46 years, died in early April after being sick off and on for over 25 years. It was mostly off and we lived a rich life together. For decades though, I had the nagging dread of an episode of illness and that familiar feeling of having no idea what it would look like, or when or how our lives would be impacted. That helpless feeling of apprehension was our constant companion. He began to get much sicker last November and then even worse this past February. During his last weeks, he could barely walk and I could only leave for a very short time and at the end, he needed constant care which I provided. I was sure he would rally but we would be heading into a situation where he would be in a wheelchair and nursing would be required and he would be more miserable and more wretched than he'd ever been and I just didn't know how we would handle that. Thankfully he was only in the hospital for 4 days before he died. The most immediate emotion was relief. And then there was the feeling of freedom and some guilt for that feeling. And then I was overtaken by a sort of mania. It was mild by most standards, but I had WAY too much energy and couldn't sleep without some sedative for several weeks. During that time, I did feel sad and had a few episodes of what felt like normal grief, but that was not the norm. I was flying around planning his memorial, cleaning house, doing yard work and any other activity that would distract me. Eventually though, the manic feelings died down and I felt so heavy and exhausted, I could barely move. And THEN, the sadness came. And also so many strange emotions and experiences: feeling surreal, forgetting what I was doing while I was doing it, jealousy of anyone who was part of a couple, irritability. A few days ago, I was invited to play golf with some friends. As i went outside to hit some balls before playing (we hadn't been able to play golf for several years) I felt SUCH a shock that it was like someone hit me in the head and I was dizzy with the realization that HE WAS GONE. SO GONE! It was shattering. What I've realized is that we all grieve differently and with a vast array of experiences and emotions. And being able to read about other's experiences has been really comforting. I'm not crazy. And I know I have a long road ahead, but sharing helps everyone understand and navigate their own circumstances just a little bit better. i know I need to talk about this a LOT more than most people are comfortable with so I'm joining an in person support group. And thank you for "listening, " and for sharing. E.