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scorpionprovisions

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  1. Thought I'd post a bit of an update, I saw my grandfather on Saturday, it's worse than what I thought, I'm not going to go into detail about his condition but I'm struggling with it all but I'm trying my best. I've realised that I can't hang on to this idea of her coming back anymore and I'm starting to try and accept that she's gone as much as I'd like to be the one that makes it I know all of the odds are against it and I just need to accept it's over and move on, I feel like I'm starting a new stage of my healing if not starting over. There is no scenario where I should reach out to her, backing off and accepting her decision is the best thing I can do for both of us..
  2. Alright so my success was short lived, my grandfather had a severe stroke this morning and has a blood clot on his brain, the doctors say he might not make it and the next 48 hours is critical. I feel so confused, I'm numb and I don't have any energy what so ever and now I'm back in the same frame of my mind when she first dumped me because I'm empathising with how she felt. I held back the urge to text or call her but I don't think I can do this anymore I've been lying to myself by saying I'm not waiting for her. I am waiting for her but I'm doing stuff with my life so if she came back I would have done something and grown. I don't know why I feel this way why is she back on my mind when my grandfather might pass why do I think about trying to get her back when I might lose him I don't feel like my thoughts are right and I don't know what to do and now it's all come back to the surface I feel so conflicted. I need to finish 70% of my course module by Monday because I've got another interview that's relevant to my course that is better than the job that accepted me but I don't think I can do it, I need to prepare for my interview and learn two more pieces of the job requirements. I feel so lost I don't know what to do...
  3. I full agree, focusing on myself is the best thing I can do right now, I'm still stuck in my own head when I get home from work but she's not lingering on my every thought as she was before, she's still there but it's almost as if she's quieter - if that makes sense? In my thoughts I have accepted that I'm not yet ready to move on although I feel less pain now, I also have considered the possibility of her falling into one of the cycles you mentioned and I've told myself that if she is the girl I thought she was then she won't do that - and if she does she's either learned nothing or she wasn't the girl I fell in love with. @kayc Thank you!! I told myself at the start of the breakup that I would not undo all the good things she had done for me out of anger and I've stuck to it and I very much feel this on a personal level: I know in my mind that it's unhealthy to need her affirmation and I know I need to work on giving this to myself. I am proud of myself for this past week, I feel really strong in my thoughts and decisions, I was falling back into being anxious before and was withdrawing quite a lot but I've pulled myself together - I still miss her but I grieve for her alone rather than where everyone can see, I just hope she's doing better..
  4. I can't sleep today, I had one of my job interviews and they more or less told me that I had got the job, extra money better job - I'm really happy for myself but I can't help but think of her. For a bit of extra context, around this time last year I was in a very bad state.. I don't like admitting it to anyone and I never even told her but I was suicidal, chronically depressed and just hated myself I had absoloutley no self esteem - looking back I don't even know how I got out of bed at all. I was going to quit my job because I couldn't take life anymore. She talked me out of quitting and persuaded me to go to the doctors and start taking medication, my life turned around, I finally realised that I could do it and she believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself, when I was at my worst point she was there and I know it was in me all along to see my worth and be confident and proud of myself but her belief in me pushed me to be so much more than I ever thought was possible, I became the person I wanted to be. She was there for me and I was always there for her, I mean it when I say I would've gone through hell and back if she asked me to. It hurts me that I can't call her and tell her how well it went, that I can't hear her happiness and see her smile, come home and hug her and share the moment together. I'm thinking about how happy she was when I called her and tried to fool her into thinking I didn't get the house but she saw right through it. I miss her so much, I'm keeping myself so so busy and it's been 3 weeks today but I still feel numb without her, I just want to be there for her like I promised I always would be and I always was but she doesn't want me there.. and I accept that but it breaks my heart. I'm still going to leave her alone to grieve and I'm telling myself if she feels the same about me then she will be coming back but one day at a time I guess..
  5. Thank you kayc, I will heed your advice and maybe consider contacting her further down the line but for the time being I will leave her to grieve as it is what's best for her. Me thinking of contacting her at this point would only be to get her back so I will just carry on with my life the best I can. I've been journaling my thoughts and I've come to the realisation that fate brought us together and we helped eachother so much over the years we've known eachother but the timing for our relationship was wrong. I've realised that not having the transition period between her ex and all the issues that came after had their impact on me but I soldiered on because of my love for her - I'm really starting to accept that ending the relationship at this time was the best for both of us as throughout the relationship I kept telling myself that once this issue is fixed it will be peaceful and we can just be together but it never happened that way. I really do believe it was just the right person at the wrong time, or we just needed eachother during this stage of our lives and that purpose is complete. If fate sees that we are back together then it will happen. I apologised at my reaction to the breakup and I meant it I've told her that if she would like to be friends later down the line then that would be OK - it's her decision to make and hounding her will do no good. Don't cry because it's over smile because it happened.
  6. Thank you to both of you, I have read your story Kayc and I'm doing my best to keep busy - I started a course to further my education and I've got a few job interviews with a pay increase coming up this week. One of the best pieces of advise that I was given was that if she does come back my life cannot have stood still - I move forward even though it feels like trudging through mud. I've been focusing on myself but she is on my mind 95% of the time. One thing that has been swimming around in my head and it changes from day to day is when or if I should approach her later down the line. I want her back but I don't think she will come back on her own due to her avoidant attachment issue - I think even if it was driving her crazy and she missed me she would not have the courage to tell me. I hover between just thinking I will leave her alone entirely and if she doesn't reach out then I have my answer and then some days I think maybe I will reach out 3-6 months later down the line - but I have said everything I can say her for the time being and I know she will be on my mind less and less but for the time being she's the only thing I think about.
  7. Hey, I've just read through your posts after typing my own story on the forum and it feels like you've wrote the exact things that I've been thinking to myself. I wish you all the best and I hope you're doing well.
  8. I'd like to start by thanking Marty for allowing me to post here and by saying that at the time her grandmother passed this forum was the only place that got it right as much as I didn't believe it. I've known her for 3 years and we were together for 5 months which I know may not seem like a long time - but I loved and still love this girl with all my heart. We started the relationship with her leaving a relationship with her abusive ex and his family (I know the relationship was abusive because I saw the things they were saying to her and I was the one who told her she cried for an hour on the phone to me when I told her it was abusive). We decided before we were together that she would have a few months to heal because we were serious about eachother before it all started - it didn't work out like that because she needed me to be there for her and I wanted to be there for her. She told me at the start she felt very broken and I told her that I would be there for her no matter what and I always was - we both had scars and we agreed that scars or not we would make it work. Things were going well but it went from one thing after another - she landed a very good job and on a night out we ran into her boss who did nothing but glare at me for the hour he was there - we both noticed it and decided to walk out. He later made up lies about me that I was violent with my previous girlfriend amongst other things. Her boss carried on with these innapropriate and creepy behaviours - she went to HR and they did nothing because small company everyone knows eachother and she was the new girl. I had never seen her mental health in a worse state until it got too much for her and she quit. I was there for her as I always was and I took a day off work when she quit and spent the day with her. I then got my own house - hooray we can finally spend as much time together as we wanted. She helped me move in and stayed for a few nights. During one of the nights my friend congratulated HER on the house which freaked her out massively. I told her the truth as I always did: I told my friend he was aware she wasn't moving in and it was way too early - to which he said he knew he just wanted to make her feel at home which was something I was trying to do during the whole moving process. She called my house before I moved in her "second home" and even bought me presents for the house and was talking about what stuff she wanted to move there as she wanted to spend a lot of time here. She then admitted to me that helping me move in brought back bad memories of when she moved in with her ex. I told her that I would want her to move in eventually if she liked but for the time being we can take it slow and enjoy eachothers company. She told me that she wanted to take it easy and only spend a night a week at my house (we were previously spending 3-4 nights a week together). Somewhere inbetween her quitting her job and me getting the house she started to become less affectionate - she still was but not as much as before. I obviously noticed and brought it up with her and she told me nothing had changed - Her counsellor which she had through her job and had lost due to quitting the job told her she had an avoidant detatchment. I had got her to open up with me and was making such good progress but somewhere along the lines she closed up. She then got a new job and on the first week of the new job she called me unable to speak in tears, she cried for 5 minutes before she could even get a word out and she told me her grandmother passed away - her grandmother had dementia and she was avoiding seeing her due to the pain it was causing her. I was the first person she called she didn't even speak to her family she called me straight away. I couldn't comfort her over the phone there was just so much grief - I told her to not bottle it and if she wanted to come over she I would be there for her. She text me later that night saying that she felt numb and her regrets of not even saying goodbye. I wanted to be there physically and just hold her and be her shoulder to cry on as I always had before. I told her I was coming over, It was 3AM and she told me to not make a fuss and even though she was speaking to me about it didn't mean she needed me right there (she apologised in the same text for the way it came across). So I stayed up untill 4:30AM just talking to her. I then tried to see her the next day and she wouldn't let me come round to see her - so I told her I understand and after some silence I told her that I know she needed space and I would be there for her when she needed me. 2 days passed and I heard nothing - I was anxious the person I loved the most in my life was hurting and I couldn't even sit and hold her. I sent her another text saying that I know she needed time and I would wait as long as it took but all I wanted to do was be there for her - she told me she just needed time. 3 days and I hear nothing from her, I had just got home from furniture shopping when I get a text from her pop up on my phone, I thought it would be her asking me to come round and be her shoulder to cry on - she told me that she thought it was time for her to tell me what she had been thinking and that she wasn't ready for a committed relationship with anyone right now and that she just needed to focus on herself and her family she said she knew I said I would wait her but she didn't know how long it would take and that when she was ready she would still like to be friends. I lost it - I tried to call her but she wouldn't answer, I asked her to please talk with me and she asked me why I couldn't accept her decision. I was hurt, angry and confused and in that haze I told her after 2 hours of receiving that text that I would dropping off her stuff from my house, she told me her friend was there for her and I could pass her stuff to her friend. I responded with laughing emojis and she told me there was no need to be bitter. I told her I wasn't bitter but but she can see the irony in that. I left her stuff outside and sent her one last text saying that all she had done is pushed me away and how much I loved her and wanted to be there for her - I told her it was the last time she heard from me. I went away and thought about what I did and I realised what I had done - I sent her a text 5 days later after the breakup and told her I was sorry for the way I acted and that I was hurt and angry and didn't know how to process it all and if she still wanted to be friends when she was ready then that was fine. She replied "that's cool" which may be a bit ambigious but hey at least it's a response. I haven't spoken to her since and from reading this forum prior to her breaking up with me I don't think there's much possibility of her coming back, I know I can't reach out to her with her being an avoidant and with her telling me she needs time but I still love her - I don't think I ever won't love her - she believed in me when I was nothing and I had grown so much in the time I had known her all I wanted from her was to be with her. I'm starting to move to the acceptance stage of my grief but I cannot accept that she's not coming back - our relationship was good and I'm telling myself it was the right person at the wrong time. This is the only forum that got it right that she would break up with me and I'm very glad this forum exists as it softened the blow a little - it's the only place I've posted in full about what has happened and if anyone is able to give their 2 cents on wether she is coming back or if I've missed anything and it was just me then I would very much appreciate it. Thank you.
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