Creolegirl91

I will pick it up. Is there anything that you did that you found comforting? I am more than willing to try just about anything. Same to anyone. If there are thing you all did or found helpful I would be grateful for and will try.

My condolences. Truly, I wish I knew what to say or do that might help but I have no answers. Nothing that might help, but if I had I would offer it in kind. It doesn't frighten me. I would rather a hard truth than a comforting truth that doesn't help me get better. That being said I would no say no to comfort. Just a comfort that does not serve me in the long run. I have been no stranger to struggles. Mostly of the mind, of expectation, and a legacy needed to be lived up to. Pretending to be strong thus far as been the only thing that I could do to keep from collapsing or falling apart. Pretending to have strength in the past has given me a false sense of one that has allowed me to carry forward. It gave hope that I would succeed at some point. There was a clear objective and means to meet it. In this instance, there is a clear objective, not to feel pain. However there is no road map to make that happen. There is lies my difficultly. There seems to be no reason to keep going. Everything that I am working for now in my life was meant to be shared across a lifetime with him. I used to look forward to when I imagine I would accomplish something and it often helped to keep me going. I see my success, but no happiness. I see the life I wanted for us both, but I am alone. Still with the love of my family and friends, but the overall existence is hollow. Hence having no reason anymore. I have no idea how to find a reason. Every day I wake up and at first everything is fine. It seems as the day wears on the gravity of it all bares down harder and harder until it is suffocating. There are time I cannot even breath. I have spend so much of my life learning to control, manage or in extreme cases, suppress anything and everything that did not serve me until such a time that I could deal with them on my own terms. His passing is too much. My instinct is to feel, scream, cry, let the emotion take hold until it is out of me, even if it takes days, weeks or months even. However my sense of control is so powerful that is manages to hold back most of the grief. I have days, moments or instance where I attempt to let or even help aid the emotion to take over. Less than 30 second later, control sets back in, and hold back the flood. When I first heard of his death I hardly cried or felt much of anything. At the funeral I cried very hard but not until after they closed the casket and took it outside. Leaving the church, I did not cry. At the burial site I did not cry. Not until he was in the ground, and most everyone had already left. It was me alone staring down at him. My father and one of out male friend had to drag me away. Once we got in the car, the tears stopped. A switch is flipped and once again I am a picture of restraint and control. Even when I don't want to be. Instead of crying, it had begun to take a physical toll. Pains, altered eating habits, even my voice has become strained, as if I had been yelling or screaming. I have texted his phone every day since he passed. Talking to him as if he were still here. I is all that keeps me feeling connected to him and even that isn't real, not truly. I thank all of you for your support and wish we could have all found each other under better circumstances. I am often told I can be easily misread as confrontational or combative. And if at any point that seems to be the case, I do apologies. I don't mean anything of the sort.

My boyfriend, Darius, died two weeks ago. We just buried him 3 days ago. Of all the relationships I have had to date, I know for a fact that he was the love of my life. I am quite certain that would have lasted forever. I am completely lost. Going through the motions of my daily life, work especially like nothing has happened. I smile and speak with my typical cheeriness and no one (save the people that I trust and have told) are any the wiser. Although as soon as I get home, or I am alone (in my office, or the elevator) the façade fails. I am left feeling empty, broken, crushed under an invisible weight, struggling to breath, exhausted and somehow both heartbroken and apathetic. I have no idea what to do or how to be anymore. Everyone says to "take thing s one day at a time", yet everyday is the same. There is no longer any normalcy, no hope, nothing to hold on to. It all seems a meaningless journey along a dark and cold road, where there was once hope that he and I could make something better. No longer, just a long cold road with no end in sight. I don't know what to do.