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ESM

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Everything posted by ESM

  1. Thank you. I hope you're doing well. I appreciate the response.
  2. Thanks so much for the encouraging words and the links. It's most appreciated. Be well.
  3. So I lost my mom just about 2 weeks ago. I've been going on the various grief boards such as this because I have no one to talk to and at least in the moment it gives me a little relief to just get my thoughts out there. The depths of the loneliness, sense of isolation, and the feeling that you don't even exist any longer is unlike anything I've ever felt before. My entire life was my mom. She was my best friend. My life revolved around her. Especially over the past 10 years and her three bouts of cancer. We ate dinner together, we had breakfast together, I would see her for an hour or so before going to bed every night. And now all of a sudden she's just not there. I feel almost panicked 24 hours a day. I have constant butterflies in my stomach, I have palpitations that don't stop, and I really don't feel like eating anything. The thing that anchored me to this world, was my mom. Without her there I no longer have any identity, there's no more structure to my life, I seem to be just wandering around in a daze. This all started just six weeks ago. She was diagnosed with an acute form of leukemia. She had beaten colon cancer 10 years earlier and then add beaten uterine cancer seven years after that. When she was diagnosed with leukemia she was having absolutely no symptoms. She was fine. She was going about her life doing laundry, doing dishes, cooking on a daily basis. There was nothing wrong. She started chemo and six weeks later she died of a cardiac arrest at the hospital. I know people like to use the expression just take it day by day but I'm having a difficult time just getting to the next second. My mom was really all I had. My dad left when I was three and died several years ago. My brother died of pancreatic cancer back in 1997. I have no significant other and most of my friends I've lost contact with over the last several years. Also over the last several years while I was a caregiver to my mother I was self-employed. I can't do that any longer, so I have no job, no income and I also have to start looking for a job and pretty much have no idea where to even start. Just before typing this I was putting some groceries away and usually my mom is sitting in the kitchen helping me put the groceries away. I started to cry hysterically and felt as if I couldn't breathe. These bouts of crying hysterically having several times per day and even when I'm not crying hysterically I feel absolutely distraught. I don't have any really grand scheme to this post or message I'm trying to convey. It's just that it's 1 in the morning I have no one to talk to and I felt I'd just get my thoughts out there. Maybe they'll help someone else who is going through a similar thing. I don't know. I hope everyone on these boards find some peace and a sense of well-being. Have a good night.
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