V. R.

Hello @Rudderless, I haven't been on the site much lately , it's just so hard to put grief feelings into words at times, I think to myself: "What am I gonna say?", but when I checked in and saw your post, I was particularly touched. You echo my words so much, I thought I was going crazy with my "stuck in denial" situation after three and a half years. I'm not ready to pronounce that "d" word you mention that you can finally say out loud. I don't think I ever will be ready. You've passed a giant hurdle and I'm glad for you, wishing you all the strength you need for you and your young family. I also see every part of my husband in my two adult children, both physically and through their behavior and way of reasoning. I find that my husband is speaking through me in certain occasions, he's helping me out a lot in solving problems. We always say: "this is what dad would do/think/say". I love that, it keeps me going, but for me, their dad is just "not here" whereas on the other hand he is present in our lives in every way, even if not physically. His influence on our way of life, our decision-making, his legacy of knowledge, these precious gifts we have from him are giving us our fuel to carry on, "taking" him with us for the rest of our lives. I also have difficulty talking to my son and daughter, it's just still so painful, there is no perfect time perhaps to talk , it will all just happen gradually and spontaneously, without planning anything. There are "no rules in grief", like my friends here on this site have perfectly explained to me. Wishing you better, more peaceful days.

Thank you Kay. After what's happened to us, I always tend to think the worst, I was already an anxious person before, now even more so. Let's keep our fingers crossed for Gwen.

Thank you Karen. It's tough but we are doing the best we can, although those moments of utter desperation are always just around the corner, waiting to appear suddenly and torment me.

Hello to everyone. I hope you are all well. I haven't been on the site much but I do check in every now and then, and I have been wondering about Gwen. She used to write everyday, so sad that she can't be traced. I hope with all my heart that she is OK. Sending you all a big hug.

I don't celebrate special occasions anymore either, since my C left. I only cook special meals and bake birthday cakes for my kids, but that's all. Sending you best wishes for your son's birthday,and I hope your sister is feeling better.

Thank you for your kind words. I relate completely with that feeling of going in reverse, it's like taking one step forward and ten steps back😕.

Thank you for your congrats Karen. I can imagine how absolutely heartbreaking it must have been seeing your son graduate, without his dad, so soon after losing him, but at the same time making him proud. Sending peace and comfort to you too. "If you mention my loved one's name, I may cry, but if you don't, it will break my heart". I feel like writing this quote on a piece of paper and sticking it on my forehead! I've recently started attending mass in our local village chapel, which reopened last Summer, after being closed for more than 10 years. We baptized our daughter there, and my husband has been particularly fond of this little characteristic church, situated in this pretty historical hamlet. We have never been church-goers, butI go there now to try and find some peace of mind and remind God that I'm still angry at him, waiting for the answer to my question: "Why?"

Hello everyone. I haven't been on here for a while, I just wanted to see how you are all getting on. You have all been so empathetic and helpful towards me. It's been two and a half years now since the love of my life suddenly left this world. I still can't believe it's real even as I write this. I'm learning to cope better, but that's it really, you just learn to live with your grief, there is no healing or moving on. Moving forward yes, because Time (which has become my worst enemy), and our human instinct forces us to do that, but I believe in Continuing Bonds, I will always feel as if my C is still with me, only not physically. I miss him more and more each day, he is constantly in my thoughts from the moment I wake up until the moment I finally fall asleep at night, and then often dreaming about him - I wish this would happen more often. I'm not the same person I was, I can't be, but that fusion of minds that we shared, remains. I realise I think like him and make decisions that he would have made, knowing that he always made the right ones. He has left me and my kids all his knowledge and wisdom, which I hope we will never forget. I manage to solve particular problems knowing what he would suggest. I always discuss matters with him, ask him what he thinks, what we should do in certain difficult situations, share happy moments with him, imagine his reactions and his funny comments, remembering his sweet laughter, teasing me jokingly, but when I can't "imagine" what his reply would be, I just want to run away from everything and everyone, and scream my heart out. All this new responsibility (and loneliness) I have now, has made me tougher, more intuitive and sensitive to others, more open-minded, but at the same time more impatient and intolerant. Like I have said, I hate this TIME passing by without him. While my mind and soul remain trapped in time, my body goes on in a a mechanical way, just carrying on doing what I have to do, just existing. There are some happy moments filled with joy, like when my daughter graduated from university , but these occasions are always accompanied by that underlying sadness, tears ready to emerge at any moment, thinking about what he's missing, the photos without him, that empty chair, me feeling like I was a "half person", he, should have been there!! I hate that people think I should be "over it" , everybody seems to avoid talking about him, except if they've been through this themselves, (I hardly ever speak to anyone, anyway, apart from my close family members). He will always be in the "present" for me. That special connection we have, cannot be broken, not like the marriage vow seems to imply : "till death us do part". It hasn't parted me from him, even though it has parted us physically, I will still continue to hold, love, honor and cherish him. I mean this in a positive way, I take comfort from this, gives me hope, helps me go on, helps me to still be a mother to my kids and a daughter to my parents. Gwen, I'm sorry to hear about your fall, I hope it wasn't too serious, sending you well wishes for a speedy recovery. Marg, sorry to hear about the harsh weather conditions, hope you are all safe. We've just come out of two long cold months of constant rain, thunderstorms, serious flooding in many areas, with victims, as you've all probably heard about in the news. Luckily, our areas were saved. The sun's finally shining again. Sending a hug to you all.

@Sheemie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. People can be so wretched and hurtful, like you say, thinking of you as a piggy bank. Ignore all that foolishness, you are superior to them, you deserve more, hold your head up high, you come first, like you did for your beloved. I hope you find a safe place to settle soon, there are much more empathic, friendlier people out there that I'm sure will be more willing to help, without judgement or selfishness. We are here too, to listen and share with you. Sending you a hug.

Ana, your words moved me to tears. I wish I could give you a hug, I understand how it feels being treated by others so insensitively and with no empathy at all. Married or not, you lost your soulmate, a part of you, the most important thing that's ever happened to you in your life. We are what we are because of the life and love we shared with our beloveds, we were 'fused' together, so when half of that is torn away from us, we feel just like you stated: with no soul. You deserve to be treated with more respect, I'm sorry you are experiencing so much hurtfulness from people you cared for, it's the same old story for all of us unfortunately. If they haven't been through it, they just don't get it! Yes, that's just it James. I feel like I'm on another planet, in a different dimension to everyone else. Even when I talk to my own children and my parents, I'm always "not really with it", my thoughts are in a world of their own. I've lost that connection that human beings normally have with other people in their lives, even with my closest family members! I feel awkward having everyday conversations, and I don't want to either, as if I'm not part of normality anymore. I just want to talk about my husband but it seems nobody wants to, trying to avoid even mentioning his name. I've had enough of promises to "keep in touch" and "if you need anything", blah, blah,... Perhaps, we can keep going by feeling that our soulmates are still with us, even if not physically, because they actually are, if we were "one" person with them, then we still have a part of that whole entity, and taking them with us will give us motivation and strength to go on. Hugs to everyone. Enza.

I'm sorry to hear about these misunderstandings between some of you, I'm sure neither of you meant to offend the other. Perhaps it's also the difficulty in connecting to each other using only written speech, without being able to see each others' facial expressions, body language, which would help to clarify miscomprehensions. I think these words are so true, I do feel for everyone here who has been been alone for many years now, after losing their spouse, and that aging/health issues are definitely much more difficult to face when you are completely alone. I have witnessed this, having watched my MIL's long-suffering years completely alone, and on the other hand, my parents in their late 80s now, with all the usual age-related complications but at least they are both still together. It makes a difference, when there's still the "the two of you" for sure, it really does! But I also understand those like me, with a more recent loss, (I think we are more or less in the same age group), still unable to accept the reality of what's happened (at least, in my case!), terrified of facing the many years ahead, trying to hang on to a glimmer of hope for the future,at least for our mental sanity, seeking support, empathy, and understanding, which thankfully I've received from you all here, sharing my feelings.

The title for this thread is very appropriate James, the paradox is evident too. Feeling lonely usually means we would appreciate new company, connections, conversations, but listening to them talking only about their fulfilling lives, not asking once how we are coping, just makes us feel even more lonely, so we'd rather be left alone. I feel like I'm in a Catch 22 situation, I never make the first move to contact anyone as I have no desire to chat about 'this and that', on the other hand I feel let down by people who just don't bother contacting me anymore, or haven't even bothered to contact me at all. I read somewhere a phrase which particularly touched me: "If you mention his/her name, I may cry, but it you don't, you will break my heart".

Wandering around on YouTube, I came across Prince Harry's interview in the US "The late show", and I was particularly touched by his words when asked about how his experience of grieving his mother had affected him: "Our society does not encourage grief".

Yes, this graphic describes very well how we should be processing our grief. I will definitely try and print these words in my mind, so each time I get one of my 'grief attacks' I'll refer to them, to calm myself down.