V. R.

Hello @Rudderless, I haven't been on the site much lately , it's just so hard to put grief feelings into words at times, I think to myself: "What am I gonna say?", but when I checked in and saw your post, I was particularly touched. You echo my words so much, I thought I was going crazy with my "stuck in denial" situation after three and a half years. I'm not ready to pronounce that "d" word you mention that you can finally say out loud. I don't think I ever will be ready. You've passed a giant hurdle and I'm glad for you, wishing you all the strength you need for you and your young family. I also see every part of my husband in my two adult children, both physically and through their behavior and way of reasoning. I find that my husband is speaking through me in certain occasions, he's helping me out a lot in solving problems. We always say: "this is what dad would do/think/say". I love that, it keeps me going, but for me, their dad is just "not here" whereas on the other hand he is present in our lives in every way, even if not physically. His influence on our way of life, our decision-making, his legacy of knowledge, these precious gifts we have from him are giving us our fuel to carry on, "taking" him with us for the rest of our lives. I also have difficulty talking to my son and daughter, it's just still so painful, there is no perfect time perhaps to talk , it will all just happen gradually and spontaneously, without planning anything. There are "no rules in grief", like my friends here on this site have perfectly explained to me. Wishing you better, more peaceful days.

Thank you Kay. After what's happened to us, I always tend to think the worst, I was already an anxious person before, now even more so. Let's keep our fingers crossed for Gwen.

Thank you Karen. It's tough but we are doing the best we can, although those moments of utter desperation are always just around the corner, waiting to appear suddenly and torment me.

Hello to everyone. I hope you are all well. I haven't been on the site much but I do check in every now and then, and I have been wondering about Gwen. She used to write everyday, so sad that she can't be traced. I hope with all my heart that she is OK. Sending you all a big hug.

I don't celebrate special occasions anymore either, since my C left. I only cook special meals and bake birthday cakes for my kids, but that's all. Sending you best wishes for your son's birthday,and I hope your sister is feeling better.

Thank you for your kind words. I relate completely with that feeling of going in reverse, it's like taking one step forward and ten steps back😕.

Thank you for your congrats Karen. I can imagine how absolutely heartbreaking it must have been seeing your son graduate, without his dad, so soon after losing him, but at the same time making him proud. Sending peace and comfort to you too. "If you mention my loved one's name, I may cry, but if you don't, it will break my heart". I feel like writing this quote on a piece of paper and sticking it on my forehead! I've recently started attending mass in our local village chapel, which reopened last Summer, after being closed for more than 10 years. We baptized our daughter there, and my husband has been particularly fond of this little characteristic church, situated in this pretty historical hamlet. We have never been church-goers, butI go there now to try and find some peace of mind and remind God that I'm still angry at him, waiting for the answer to my question: "Why?"

Hello everyone. I haven't been on here for a while, I just wanted to see how you are all getting on. You have all been so empathetic and helpful towards me. It's been two and a half years now since the love of my life suddenly left this world. I still can't believe it's real even as I write this. I'm learning to cope better, but that's it really, you just learn to live with your grief, there is no healing or moving on. Moving forward yes, because Time (which has become my worst enemy), and our human instinct forces us to do that, but I believe in Continuing Bonds, I will always feel as if my C is still with me, only not physically. I miss him more and more each day, he is constantly in my thoughts from the moment I wake up until the moment I finally fall asleep at night, and then often dreaming about him - I wish this would happen more often. I'm not the same person I was, I can't be, but that fusion of minds that we shared, remains. I realise I think like him and make decisions that he would have made, knowing that he always made the right ones. He has left me and my kids all his knowledge and wisdom, which I hope we will never forget. I manage to solve particular problems knowing what he would suggest. I always discuss matters with him, ask him what he thinks, what we should do in certain difficult situations, share happy moments with him, imagine his reactions and his funny comments, remembering his sweet laughter, teasing me jokingly, but when I can't "imagine" what his reply would be, I just want to run away from everything and everyone, and scream my heart out. All this new responsibility (and loneliness) I have now, has made me tougher, more intuitive and sensitive to others, more open-minded, but at the same time more impatient and intolerant. Like I have said, I hate this TIME passing by without him. While my mind and soul remain trapped in time, my body goes on in a a mechanical way, just carrying on doing what I have to do, just existing. There are some happy moments filled with joy, like when my daughter graduated from university , but these occasions are always accompanied by that underlying sadness, tears ready to emerge at any moment, thinking about what he's missing, the photos without him, that empty chair, me feeling like I was a "half person", he, should have been there!! I hate that people think I should be "over it" , everybody seems to avoid talking about him, except if they've been through this themselves, (I hardly ever speak to anyone, anyway, apart from my close family members). He will always be in the "present" for me. That special connection we have, cannot be broken, not like the marriage vow seems to imply : "till death us do part". It hasn't parted me from him, even though it has parted us physically, I will still continue to hold, love, honor and cherish him. I mean this in a positive way, I take comfort from this, gives me hope, helps me go on, helps me to still be a mother to my kids and a daughter to my parents. Gwen, I'm sorry to hear about your fall, I hope it wasn't too serious, sending you well wishes for a speedy recovery. Marg, sorry to hear about the harsh weather conditions, hope you are all safe. We've just come out of two long cold months of constant rain, thunderstorms, serious flooding in many areas, with victims, as you've all probably heard about in the news. Luckily, our areas were saved. The sun's finally shining again. Sending a hug to you all.

@Sheemie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. People can be so wretched and hurtful, like you say, thinking of you as a piggy bank. Ignore all that foolishness, you are superior to them, you deserve more, hold your head up high, you come first, like you did for your beloved. I hope you find a safe place to settle soon, there are much more empathic, friendlier people out there that I'm sure will be more willing to help, without judgement or selfishness. We are here too, to listen and share with you. Sending you a hug.

Ana, your words moved me to tears. I wish I could give you a hug, I understand how it feels being treated by others so insensitively and with no empathy at all. Married or not, you lost your soulmate, a part of you, the most important thing that's ever happened to you in your life. We are what we are because of the life and love we shared with our beloveds, we were 'fused' together, so when half of that is torn away from us, we feel just like you stated: with no soul. You deserve to be treated with more respect, I'm sorry you are experiencing so much hurtfulness from people you cared for, it's the same old story for all of us unfortunately. If they haven't been through it, they just don't get it! Yes, that's just it James. I feel like I'm on another planet, in a different dimension to everyone else. Even when I talk to my own children and my parents, I'm always "not really with it", my thoughts are in a world of their own. I've lost that connection that human beings normally have with other people in their lives, even with my closest family members! I feel awkward having everyday conversations, and I don't want to either, as if I'm not part of normality anymore. I just want to talk about my husband but it seems nobody wants to, trying to avoid even mentioning his name. I've had enough of promises to "keep in touch" and "if you need anything", blah, blah,... Perhaps, we can keep going by feeling that our soulmates are still with us, even if not physically, because they actually are, if we were "one" person with them, then we still have a part of that whole entity, and taking them with us will give us motivation and strength to go on. Hugs to everyone. Enza.

I'm sorry to hear about these misunderstandings between some of you, I'm sure neither of you meant to offend the other. Perhaps it's also the difficulty in connecting to each other using only written speech, without being able to see each others' facial expressions, body language, which would help to clarify miscomprehensions. I think these words are so true, I do feel for everyone here who has been been alone for many years now, after losing their spouse, and that aging/health issues are definitely much more difficult to face when you are completely alone. I have witnessed this, having watched my MIL's long-suffering years completely alone, and on the other hand, my parents in their late 80s now, with all the usual age-related complications but at least they are both still together. It makes a difference, when there's still the "the two of you" for sure, it really does! But I also understand those like me, with a more recent loss, (I think we are more or less in the same age group), still unable to accept the reality of what's happened (at least, in my case!), terrified of facing the many years ahead, trying to hang on to a glimmer of hope for the future,at least for our mental sanity, seeking support, empathy, and understanding, which thankfully I've received from you all here, sharing my feelings.

The title for this thread is very appropriate James, the paradox is evident too. Feeling lonely usually means we would appreciate new company, connections, conversations, but listening to them talking only about their fulfilling lives, not asking once how we are coping, just makes us feel even more lonely, so we'd rather be left alone. I feel like I'm in a Catch 22 situation, I never make the first move to contact anyone as I have no desire to chat about 'this and that', on the other hand I feel let down by people who just don't bother contacting me anymore, or haven't even bothered to contact me at all. I read somewhere a phrase which particularly touched me: "If you mention his/her name, I may cry, but it you don't, you will break my heart".

Wandering around on YouTube, I came across Prince Harry's interview in the US "The late show", and I was particularly touched by his words when asked about how his experience of grieving his mother had affected him: "Our society does not encourage grief".

Yes, this graphic describes very well how we should be processing our grief. I will definitely try and print these words in my mind, so each time I get one of my 'grief attacks' I'll refer to them, to calm myself down.

Yes, Boho, I find it very hard to do and I feel I'm letting him down and not trying hard enough at times,but this is a goal I've set myself as part of my 'mental therapy', determined to achieve it, giving myself a reason to go on, and not break down completely.

True, so true Gwen. Those are sacred words you've written. I didn't have a clue until it happened to me.

I'm sad to read about all this 'ghosting' going on, but I'm relieved because I realize that I'm not alone in this, as I was beginning to think there's something wrong with me . The exact same thing has happened to me. I understand also about the caregiving. Just three months after I lost my husband, me and my daughter (my son had his own problems to attend to) suddenly found ourselves alone caring for my MIL living 20km away from us (divorced from FIL way back in 80s, never remarried but he did), )suffering from dementia, then falling, breaking her thigh bone, surgery, followed by one month at her house bedridden (severe obesity, we couldnt even turn her), needing 24 hour care, me and my daughter traveling backwards and forwards every day during covid restrictions, luckily we found a night carer, so we could return home. In the end, we had to find her a place in a rehabilitation centre/nursing home where at least they got her to walk again. She had made no progress at home with the physiotherapist. 45She was there seven months before she passed away (11 months after her son, my husband). She also had severe diabetes but in the end I feel and I am sure she died from a broken heart, after having lost both her sons. I could read it in her eyes when we visited her that she was just letting herself go and had no wish to live anymore. I also worrry about my parents who live in town, but for now they're still independent(more or less!), my dad doesn't drive any longer, he turns 89 next week, so when I do my weekly shopping, I pick up my mum so she can do hers and other errands. Obviously I often have to drive them to medical visits. I'm not complaining though, one thing I've learned about life is that if you complain or nag about something/someone, there's that little 'gremlin' hiding behind you on your shoulder, watching your moves, adding more problems if you dare say a word. Just grin and bear it, there's always worse. Perhaps this saying could give us strength and positivity to face our battles which seem endless sometimes.

Hi James, we've just posted about the same time. It's a relief to have this site where we can share our feelings, it really does seem that in our 'real world' we just don't get any empathy and feel like we are surrounded by 'unreal' beings,who haven't got a clue what we're going through. I feel guilty being a burden for my kids when they always see me grumpy and snapping at them, I'm not the same person I was, absolutely not. The fact is that I'm their mother because my husband was their father and now that he's gone, I only feel 'half' a mother, sounds silly I know, but that's how it feels,and at the same time they are suffering so much too, for their dad. So I understand what you mean about feeling that your mum and brother are tolerating you, and that you feel alone even if you are living with them. I'm sure they are glad to have you with them though, instead of thinking of you living alone in a different home far away. Like you say, we never felt lonely with our soulmates even if we were apart for a few hours, we knew they were always there. It's so tough not having that shoulder to lean on, any longer. They are still here though, they are part of us, guiding us along in everything we do. From what we have learned from them, we will make it and continue living "for" them, and in this way, they continue living through us. I keep repeating to myself and have promised my husband that I will not go into regression, the 'better person' he made me will not disappear. I hope to keep this promise.

Boho, you tugged at my heartstrings when I read your post. I know exactly what you mean. I now understand when people say that when you go through a grief experience, friendships either become closer or end. I think the second option is more common. I've never really had many friends, but even our mutual friends that knew my husband so well, or his personal friends that he'd known for years, have also suddenly become estranged beings. At first they called, promises to visit but never did, some never even called, who knows if they even know what happened to him! I received a call (after two years!!) from the president of a medical association that my husband was a member of (before selling his business) saying that he had only just been informed! I managed to stay calm when he explained that he was so distraught, had so much admiration for my husband and intended to fund a scholarship in his name. To top it all, at the time when I lost my husband (Nov 2020)everyone had the excuse that we were in "Covid" shutdown with very rigid restrictions, no visits allowed, only close family for funerals, no leaving the house unless it was an emergency, and so on. What about after that? When restrictions were lifted? All forgotten. I think people who haven't lost a soulmate just cannot empathize with us, they feel embarrassed, so instead of saying the wrong things which could hurt us, they prefer just to avoid us.

Marg, I am lost for words. This place sounds so similar to where we we live. We are are in the countryside, surrounded by hills, mountains and woods nearby, few minutes away from village center, 15 minute drive from nearest town, and in my lane there are about fourteen houses, some separated (like ours) and others right next door to each other. In the past few years, we have had so many widowed, especially prematurely, in their fifties!

James and Boho, you have both written sacred words here, they echo my thoughts precisely. That's just it, we may be able to have other friendships, but that special bond with our soulmates is incomparable. We were part of each other, a fusion, an "all in one" mix, I actually still think of it that way. They are still part of us and we are part of them, and always will be,no matter what. After all, we are 'social animals", we need to connect and talk to others. I seem to be going against this natural instinct though, I even get fed up and irritated when my mum calls me, she starts talking about this and that and I just answer mmmm, yes, huffing and puffing, getting irritated, trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible. I know she just wants to try and get me back to normality /real life, trying not to think too much, but I just can't. She doesn't realize it's doing me more harm than good. Someone who hasn't gone through the loss of a life partner just cannot comprehend the devastation. I can't talk to her about how I'm feeling, she wouldn't understand, and I've never been one to confide and express my feelings anyway, I've always tended to repress them, causing me many problems with my social life, didn't have many friends, I appeared to others as cold and withdrawn. I even had trouble doing with this with my husband at first, then it all came naturally,as we grew closer. Now, apart from my two grownup kids, my FIL and his wife, I can only relate and converse with everyone here on this site, who are in the same situation as me, we can empathize with each other.

Thanks Boho. I'm sorry to hear about your past sad experience and finding yourself a single mom. It must have been so hard for you. Yes, this is a 'new normal' we need to adapt to,but I just can't see it that way, at least just not yet. I manage to struggle on by 'taking' my husband with me in everything I do, everything I think, talking to him, asking him for advice as he always had the right solutions, was able to resolve any difficult situation, trying to use his knowledge and wisdom that he has transmitted to us. My daughter frequently asks what would dad do?, my son's more reserved, keeps it all inside. This is what keeps me going, also for the sake of my children, they have already lost their dad prematurely, they don't need to see their mum going mad. Yes, let's all wish better days for all of us. 🌈

Hi James, just like you and Boho, I haven't been on here much. I still find it hard to have 'general chat' conversations with people, my head is always elsewhere. I'm just not connected with this real world any longer, I prefer the comfort of my own home, where I feel my husband close to me. Every time I need to go into town for shopping and other errands, I just can't wait to get back to my home/safety nest, where I can also take my 'nature therapy' walks in our fields (weather-permitting, of course). I'm so glad Christmas/New Year are all over, seemed to last forever. I felt like getting hold of the TV and throwing it out of the window, couldn't bear to see all that holiday stuff. So during these long lonely winter evenings, I'm just watching films and TV series on Amazon Prime to stop me from thinking too much, a sort of evasion, and playing adventure games on my tablet. I've reached the 3rd season of Lost, by the way, very strange but captures my curiosity, and keeps my mind occupied. Although I feel like those people, in a way! I'm sorry for your disappointing experiences recently. I don't want to impose any suggestions, but maybe you could try to find some sort of interest/hobby which would involve meeting people face to face, rather than depend on online chatting. I know it's easier said than done, for all of us, believe me. You are not alone in this. Sending you strength and hoping the coming year will send you more joy and positivity. Enza.

My heart goes out to your cousin, Marg. We all understand how she's feeling, especially as it was so sudden, the shock is overwhelming. Like you say, she needs the comfort of her family now, who will help her get through this. Sending strength.