Janine

need healing I am sorry for my carelessness. I meant to address my message to you and Karen and I did not. As you can see, loss affects every inch of your life. Take it an inch at a time or it overwhelms you and sometimes you just have to scream. My sister died in November, she was also 35. I have been sailing along since the beginning of the year and suddenly I am out of control again. I even made it through my Grandmothers funeral in March accepting her death without loosing control. Two weeks ago they found a pre-cancerous growth in my husbands colon, his surgery is scheduled for this Wednesday. I am grateful it is not cancer. I found out last week that my 17 year old son’s girlfriend is 28 and I dealt with it smoothly without loosing my temper and he is accepting my decision to break it off. Ups and downs, we tackled them one at a time. Every little set back seems like a great wall before us. Today I have a splitting headache. I spent the day with my mother and on my way to bring her home during a blinding storm my car died. I was standing on the freeway screaming at the sky yelling at God with cars and trucks roaring by, lightning striking all around and soaking wet with my mother telling me to get back into the car. It was straight out of a movie. I feel like I can't take any more, but I will eventually force myself to walk to work and move forward again The only other option is to stay in bed curled up in a ball and shut out the world. I can't go back there; it gets harder to get out of bed the longer you stay in. I am going to go back to lesson number 1 in Marty’s course and start all over again. Janine

It sounds like your advisor is making excuses for not being human. Oh..there is that nasty side of me again. Sorry. I believe most people who behave in this manor have never lost someone close to them or is in denial about there loss. I would tell them the comments made do not help with your feelings of loss. Put the ball in their court. Janine

I am sorry I haven't been around much. The ^@&*)% just keeps hitting the fan. After Grandmothers funeral, my cousin found out his cancer has returned, My husband was diagnosed with a pre-cancerous growth in his colon and has to have surgery, and my 17 year old son decided to try and hide the fact that his new girlfriend is 28 years old. My cousin will start another round of radiation and Chemo and God willing he will win another battle. Rick has surgery May 12th. Even though the surgery is scary, I am grateful it was caught early since his father died of colon cancer when he was 2 years older than Rick is now. My son...Has broken off his relationship with his girlfriend, not angry with me, but somewhat silent on the subject. Through all this, I have stayed calm and I have not broken anything, which is good. I am a smasher when I get angry. I am checking in with you guys, I am just battling a lot of demons right now. Janine

Karen I feel the same way sometimes. My sister died suddenly six months ago. At times I do cry for hours and sometimes I put on some sad music and make myself cry. Letting the emotions out instead of choking on them feels so much better. My parents also are having a very hard time. Teresa was the baby of the family and she lived almost across the street from them. My brothers and my sister have been taking turns setting up outings with them. Giving them something to look forward to seems to cut the anxiety of solitude in their grief. I enrolled in Marty's The First Year of Grief and it helped me so much. I still have those sad times, but I am learning to deal with them. Coming here was the best therapy I have ever had. I hope you too find comfort here among true friends. Janine

Ok. I am fine with grandmother passing, but I just fell off this edge I had been standing on since Teresa died. I am stalled halfway down. I can see things around me but there is no sense to be made of it. I am not terribly sad, just numb again and suspended in a fog. I think I will go listen to some sad music and cry awhile at least it will be something other than blah. I screwed up and missed my meds for a few days. I would make a horrible junkie, I would forget to get high. I can't seem to get in the habit of taking drugs each day. I put a note on the mirror to remind myself, and still forget. Maybe that is why I am so nothing. Janine

Annette, Showering is good; I find it is the best place to cry. I wash away my tears and come out not feeling like I have been crying. I am sure your husband has many demons to deal with; war is a constant reminder of death. My husband has had to deal with his father’s death and his grandmothers most recently. I have found myself just snuggling on the couch with him and I just start crying, we hold each other and suddenly we are talking about our losses and what we miss about he people we love. This group is amazing, but finding that one person you can hold and sharing with them is so good too. Keep coming back and read as much as you can. It is all comforting. Write when you get the urge to share. It is a release of pain each time I share. Janine

Grandmother has been laid to rest and I am determined to find every bit of her that lies within me. She had such a great spirit and loved to spread it around. Her memorial was beautiful and we all had similar stories of her laughter and her ability to start each day with a smile. She always saw the best in everyone and only carried forward the good memories of each day. Her death brought very little sorrow, only selfish ones of missing her. It stirred many memories of my sister, but also comfort that they are together and Grandmother is taking care of her now. Janine

Annie, I was praying that you would gather your courage and go watch the sun set. There is only beauty in sunsets and I am glad that you saw it with someone who understood the step you were taking. That fear of doing something we know is hard weighs heavy on our spirit. Doing it lifts that weight and brings a little clarity to our feelings. I hope you wake each morning feeling a bit stronger every day. Janine

Shelley I am sorry you feel so much guilt. In Grandmothers last week we gave her many of the things she had not been allowed to have over the past decade. She said, and I quote "I am dying, why shouldn't I taste the things I love so much one more time". Dove dark chocolate ice cream bites being one of them. It brought her pleasure in her last few weeks being here and there is no regret when I think of her smiling when she ate. I hope someday you can think of bringing her a bit of pleasure in her last days. Janine

Grandmother died today. My mother and three of her sisters were there with me when she passed away. It was sad, but after the painful afternoon she had, it was a prayer answered. She had been in so much pain the past few days and now there is no more. I believe she hung on to life through terrible pain to make it easier to let her go. After losing my sister so suddenly, God made her death a blessing and had me there to witness it. Janine

I haven't been around much myself. My Grandmother is fading and I have been trying to get to see her as much as possible. Children, work and other daily events have me running non stop. Walt, this is the one place you can speak the bad and everyone will understand. It can turn to poison if you keep it inside. Dusky...COOL. I am a librarian and I hope to see your book on my shelves. Annie, I know what you mean about wanting it to be over. Grandma had asked God for a few more years, he gave her ten. Now she is suffering in pain and wasting away. I want god would take her in her sleep tonight and release her from the pain. Janine

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. Your loss is tremendous. A sister is so precious and we always want to be close to our big sisters. The choices you made in your relationship with her were to protect your son and there is no wrong there. The decisions we make often lead us to guilt when someone we love dies. It does not mean that we were wrong; it just means that we loved them and we wish circumstances were different. The guilt is there for all of us. It is a longing for a second chance. Keep coming back and read through the posts and you will see bits and pieces of yourself. It makes us feel connected and less alone in our grief. Peace is within you. Janine

Ice storm...blizzard...power outages. I had to open the library and was working until 3:30. When I got off I decided to do a good deed and drop off a book for one of the elderly people in our community. I got stuck in his drive way. I then went to get my sister who had lost all power in a nearby community. I am staying in The rest of the night. We still have power and I am counting my blessings. Thank you Lord for a hot meal, electricity and family. Please watch over those not as fortunate as myself. Stay safe if you are in this messy weather. Janine

Shelley After reading your post and my reply, I decided to get off my butt and get out. I spent all day Wednesday with my Grandmother and it was a good day. She is the one who has been fighting cancer for eight years and was originally given a year to live. It felt good to just be close to her and tell her I love her. It was a beautiful day, the first warm one we have had in weeks so I convinced her to go outside and smell spring in the air. That evening I went to my niece’s college basketball game. She played well and her team won. I realized that there is still life out there; I just have to jump in and start living it again. I know there will be days when I "just sail on", but I will remember the days that I jump into the deep end. Janine

Lori I have to agree with everyone here. Your mother passed away shortly before my sister and I find this place and the people here to be my safe haven. It was a great gift when I was told that there is no time line and I could grieve as long as I needed. I knew in my heart that I would never get over loosing her; it was just easier when someone said it and I could put that question aside. I don’t remember where I got this from, but it helped me get through the days that were totally discouraging days. Before discovering a new continent, Christopher Columbus sailed for sixty nine days toward an uncertain destination.' Struggling against terrible storms through uncharted waters, dealing with a rebellious and increasingly frightened crew, Columbus sailed on day after day. A brief journal entry he wrote on one of those days is significant: This day we just sailed on. That day there was no identifiable progress to record. There was no land sighting, so he could report they had reached this place or that. There was no odometer to inform him how far he had traveled. Nor was there a map to indicate how much longer the journey would take. So, Columbus did the only thing that could be done: This day we just sailed on. The process of grieving is a journey just like that. The movement toward the goal of relief and recovery is filled with uncertainty, fear and confusion. Although the trip has started, it is hard to know if we are in the beginning, the middle, or near the end of our trip. In such moments all of us can take a cue from Christopher Columbus and write, This day I just sailed on. During those days when you are feeling discouraged and when progress is hard to measure, simply say to yourself: This day I just sailed on. And, like Columbus, you will reach your destination safely! It is quite the roller coaster that we are riding right now and I know you will be climbing again soon. Janine

Shelley, Same problem here. I run all week and when the weekend comes I want to hibernate, I think it is more the weather (lori's post was a truth emebdded here for me). It is so &^^#& cold these days and I just do not want to go anywhere or do anything. I do have some problems following through with plans, but it is more related to my forgetfulness that seems to have settled in since Teresa died. I don't know if my mind is blocking out too much information or if I just don't care as much. Janine

Bob, Your loss is tragic, my prayers are for you. I lost my 35 year old sister in November last year and I know that my parents are still devastated as am I. She has three small children as well and her husband decided he needed to go home to be with his family. It has been so hard for them to lose their daughter and the presence of their grandchildren that used to live across the street. It will take a lot of time to heal, but there is hope. Keep in touch with those around you that are a good support and keep coming back here for whatever you need. Take care of yourself. Janine

lindsey Jane and Jeff are right; the ones who have never lost someone close to them have no idea of the pain you are going through. I think being around us reminds them of their mortality and they are not able to go there. My best friend has lost her mother and my husband lost his father 17 years ago and his grandmother last year. They understand because they still feel the loss. Another friend does not want to be around me because her father is sick and I remind her that he will die soon and she is not ready to face it. I will be there for her when he passes because I now understand that she is just not ready to accept that death will come and she needs to focus on his life right now. Listen to Shell, the loss is his. Someday he will lose someone he loves and he will see how selfish he was when he is in the same boat with us. You are not alone, everyone here is a friend, your friends, and we are not going anywhere. Janine

AnnieO We all find out things we did not know when our loved ones are gone. All we can do is love the person we knew and forgive the rest. My heart goes out to you. You lost your mother to a disease that kills, just like cancer, just like lupus. You are a good daughter to both your parents and that is part of your identity. They must have done something right for you to care so much. I know you can find some way to make it through the betrayal you feel. Janine

The winter night is still and sweet snow drifts through the trees peace comes to them on silent feet but passes over me. A Sara Teasdale poem I altered for the season one night when I couldn't sleep I wish I could sleep and feel like I had actually rested once again. It seems to be a common problem. The numbness is there also. I figure it is just from curling up in a ball to sleep. I have lost 17 pounds since Teresa died. Food seems to have lost its taste. I had panic attacks every night for the first few weeks after she died and now not so often. I have spent the whole day in bed today with a migraine. I have always had them, but they come more often now and are much harsher than they have been in the past. It is amazing the toll that stress and the lack of good sleep takes on the body. The best we can do right now is to take care of our own body & spirits. If you are not eating well, I suggest that you take some vitamins for now so you don't deprive your body of what it needs. Exercise or take a vigorous walk a few hours before you go to bed. I finally started back into my karate class and I sleep well on those nights. Janine

I am glad to hear that you are feeling better. This is a healing place and it is good to get your feelings and concerns out to somebody. Anger is so normal and as I said before, I let Teresa have it in my journal and it felt good to express my anger somewhere that it did not hurt anyone else. Marty is right about getting it out. My anger seems to dissipate on paper and I have even been using it to deal with my three teenagers that know everything. Even though you are much better, let you husband know you are not that through grieving. I had to be very up front with mine and tell him that I still had a lot of work to do and he needed to know that there will still be days that I will not be better. I just needed him to know that just because I was having good days; it did not by any means mean that I did not need his understanding. Take good care of yourself during this time and we will all be here for you. Janine

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sister 3 months ago and it has been tough, I can't even imagine loosing my mom. You have come to the perfect place to have someone listen to you and be with you Through your pain and sadness and even the good times that will return. Take care of yourself, come back often and know that my prayers are for you tonight. Janine

Lori, You are an extension of their love and you can take so much pride in that. I am glad you have such wonderful memories of your parents love. Janine

Wow, I can feel your energy. Thank you for sharing your hope and your joy. Janine

My sister was cremated too and MOST of her ashes went with her husband. My brother is a potter and he made her urn. He actually made three just in case one of them broke in the firing. All three came out beautiful and he thought it was fate since he had three sisters. He gave one to John for Teresa’s ashes and gave the other two my sister DD and me. He also made a small one for my mother. She has some of Teresa’s ashes in it mixed with the ash of Mt. St. Helen (a long story there). My "sister pot" has some small mementoes inside it that remind me of her. I have some of her ashes to bury in the spring with a tree I plan to plant in her memory. I don't know what John plans to do with the ashes he has, but I know he will find a place for them when he is ready. Janine