Sheemie

When my spouse passed from covid it was the most horror of my life. I could not have imagined it in my worst nightmare ever. The government gave hospital full control. I could not be there to hold his hand nothing. I paced back and forth day and night praying for a miracle. I had to watch him die through a glass and afterwards all I felt was a fog of fire and I just wanted to die too. My life was that man and I don't want anything else and it was stolen from me. Since his death I have learned that all anyone cares about as far as I am concerned is stuff and money. I don't even say I'm a widow because then they look at me like a piggy bank. At first I was pushed out of our home, then into an income based apartments which was like a jail, half way house. Now I'm living in the south by myself in a trailer wondering if my life will ever be normal again. I have been trying to go back to working and these jobs are just 100 percent using me for pay that makes me wonder if I have stepped back in time to the year 1999, complete slave labor. How much longer do I have to wander? How much longer am I going to punish myself? Will I ever feel normal again?

I am also trying to navigate going back to work or volunteering. The living situation adds to it. I worked with a homeless person recently who completely lived in their vehicle, staying in motel rooms sometimes. I cannot imagine how difficult that is. They can't bathe, use toilet, cook food, have anything. I watch nursing homes going out of business on news and we have this whole workforce that is homeless because of exorbitant rent

I moved away 10 years ago and my moving became a job the first few years I moved 5 or 6 times per year and I worked for the government. As a single person with a dog housing choices are lease your trapped in, expensive home rental with 7 roommates, which are strangers. I now live in rv in camper just to be monthly and not feel trapped if I decide to leave. My husband and I moved alot still due to job and stepchildren issues. Home was us together wherever we were. I may never stay in one place again because he is never going to be there anymore and I am trying to find something to love again. I am on the path I will not give up even though I don't stay anywhere anymore I am trying to find something that can help me not just see a world without my person anymore.

The hardest thing I have had to overcome in this is blaming myself, blaming others, and hating rhe world that my husband had diabetes and was a professional driver and had other things was life and we lived it the best we could. I could spend rest of my life wishing things were different and that won't change a thing. The world won't change for me but how do I go on in it. I guess as best as I can. I am going home...another elusive thing...where I remember my husband and where we lived...that is my home.

Along time ago I had the courage to get out of the hole I was in and moved 2000 miles away. Not without help but considering I had nothing except a tiny car and few thousand dollars that was something. That first 2 years I moved on average 6 times per year, renting rooms, living in apartments, and trailers. It was the most difficult time. Then met my husband who saved me and taught me that I am worth something. I knew when I left all those years ago what I wanted and I need the courage hope and of course faith to go and get it.

I have all these reasons why I am putting off doing what I am supposed to do and what I want to do. I know what I have to do which is let go of the life I had with my spouse. My reasons range from the weather is too cold, I don't deserve anything, I am scared of my in laws, At this point I think that ship has sailed. They have not contacted me in almost a year, I am still in a place of limbo and I don't know if I ever get to feel happy again. Every place every job just reminds me that I am alone now again and that I don't want to be here or go back to work just sitting or standing with people who will never within an inch come close to the relationship bond my spouse and I shared, tattletales who watch everything you do searching for something to tell on me for to make themselves look good. I am so lonely without his love and support I struggle to even go pay my rent. They all cling to their spouses so that world doesn't close in on them. Do I ever stop running from it. When I met my husband we were almost instantly inseparable. I went on a weekend trip without him and after that we were together just every day. We talked about everything and we shared everything and whilst did not agree about everything we made a team that I was searching for my whole life. The world now to me is just so much get you and got you and caught you I just don't even want to try anymore. I used to search for laid back people like me and my husband and I swear my husband and I are extinct species.

It's been awhile but I finally did it. I left and as soon as I crossed border this weight lifted and I physically felt free. I am down south and no snow but still cold in 20s at night but 20 above is better than 20 below. My family is taking turns calling me daily. I have been ignoring them. I know all they want to know is where I am and what I am doing and frankly we have never been close so I choose to ignore them. I am done with being made to feel guilty over everyone and everything when it was never reciprocal. The only person who ever cared about me is gone and it's me and my dog. I believe he is in heaven watching over me and the unexpected help that comes for me from complete good Samaritans I truly believe is my husband in heaven helping me because believe I have not a clue here just few ideas good bad sense or none

My whole life I have had to go through everything basically alone. I know no one does anything bythemselves. I have had help but little in way of it and mostly from the government. I chose my husband over my job and he chose me over the whole world basically. I was happy and he is gone. This year has felt like jail. I would liken my mental state to maybe dementia. All I could do to keep me and my dog alive. All my family says is kill the dog so u can go back to your job, work. The dog is my only friend. If anyone wants to know about me they sure don't ask me and ask anyone else, trash talking. I am not sure why my family thinks that they are the boss of me and they do not listen to me or help me and only tell me to help them. Then I have to put my big girl pants on and go out and figure it out, in 30 degree weather, and I just cry because I am just a girl what am I supposed to do. I am over here driving halfway across country with a trailer not even hooked up right while no one will help me unless they are paid to and I just want to be a girl. I miss my husband and I feel like the world is laughing at me.

So I am moving again. Trying to figure out some piece of normal. I moved into income based hide hole. Absolute nightmare, no community, no friendship, it's like jail. There is only 5 people who live by me and there only concern is why I am driving a nice pickup, my dead husband's pickup. The management accepts tattle tailing in lieu of rent. Tattle on what, their concern should be how come these people never go outside who live here. I got sandwiched in between an old man who can't stand hallway traffic and wack job with 20 cats. The management has a get u, got u, caught you mentality. Again, just tv watching going on here, nothing to see. They spy on everywhere u go as if they are like with the FBI. I thought I was going crazy at first, but as I am coming out of my widow fog, where all I wanted was a world of kindness and forgiveness, community and help. All I have gotten is get you, got you, caught you! I even volunteered. I even gave money to charity, but if I need help,chirp, nothing. I talk to the church and nothing there either just a broken selfish trash talking world. I just want to be alone. No wonder I was alone my whole life. Hey world your not the FBI and get over it because if someone shines a light on you in your darkest hour none of you are worth 2 shits either. My husband loved me, chose me, and I am not going to apologize for it.

Is anyplace really better than another

Lol that's because u live in a normal place. The difference absolutely nothing to do, imagine never going anywhere for an entire month, no jobs that anyone would want, nothing to do except go insane completely, so I guess hopefully up from here.

Until the end of the year when initial lease ends per legal laws. But I've done nothing wrong they are wrong. I told them when I moved please don't me stay here a year and I don't want to move in the cold. They just laughed, pure evil they are. Everyone here hides in their place because they are all being scrutinized for eviction. I was told that's just how income based apartments are. I pay 500 for rent and I don't think it's even worth that. The std rate is 575 and u would be nuts to pay that. 350 a month is fair for this place and area. I have one family member who is going to help and thank God I don't have to hire somebody again.

I got a letter from my apartment that they are telling me to get out because, "they know I am miserable here and I complain too much". this frankly is true but like don't sugar coat it at all. I tried really hard not to complain but it just kept getting worse. This apartment response to my valid complaint was mind my own business, ignore me completely, and then send me letter to get out because I complain about the caretaker. The caretaker is a weirdo who was spying on me all the time caught him outside easdropping umpteen times, he would make me uncomfortable because he was always standing in my doorway, not to mention when I first moved in apartment alleged my neighbors complain about me going outside too often and that bothered them? Is this jail I said? Not to mention my vehicles been vandalized in the parking lot. Thesres only 4 people who are in here. So many firsts this year, bullied, gaslight, no help, vandalized. I'm having such a hard time I keep trying to ask for help, ghosted, gaslight, bullied. I guess it's my fault. Everything I did for most part was about and for my husband and he's gone and I am absolutely desperate. I keep trying to remember who I was and I just can't do anything. I can't sleep and I am so angry and no one is nice to me.

I need to find Oregon, a community.

Thanks, I am an hour from normal sized city. I am 43. My lease ends 12.31 and I'm in MN. Cold is already here. Come spring I'm planning on moving into a camper until I find home. I went to a Presbyterian church when my husband passed. I am not Presbyterian but raised catholic and the people at this new church were so kind, nice, and supportive of me. I just really want another person to talk to, in person, not online.