Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

WendyH

Members
  • Posts

    4
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  1. Thank you for responding! I so appreciate the support! Wendy
  2. I am feeling right in the middle of my grief today! I am missing my son Gabriel so very much! Missing all the things I will never get to do with him. I wanted so much for him to be a part of our family!!! I was going to be the mother of two boys...Samson (my two year old) and Gabriel (my newborn). I carried Gabriel for nine months, only to have him taken from me....I birthed my sweet baby boy stillborn. It's hard to believe that he's not going to be with us...I mean, I know that he's not, but I wish so much that I had him here!......Sometimes my heart aches so bad...I don't think I can bear it anymore. I just can't stop thinking about him...about holding him, cradling him...singing little lullabies to him. I want so much to touch his little face and hands...have him wrap his tiny little fingers around one of mine. I want to see my husband holding him and talking to him...telling him how happy we are that he is here with us...I want to see the excitement in Samson's eyes as he proudly holds his baby brother. I want to look into his eyes and tell him how much I love him and see him looking back at me. Tell him that I will protect him and take care of him with all that I am!..............It's so hard to take in all the emotions that go along with realizing that those things are never going to happen. I don't think I have ever known such profound sadness in my life, or ever dealt with something so difficult. WendyH
  3. Sometimes I just can't get a grip on my feelings! They seem to flip flop from anger to sadness. I feel like at times I have no patience at all...everything seems so damn hard...and EVERYTHING gets on my nerves...ya know that very last nerve...it gets plucked! Then I lash out...unfortunately it ends up being towards the ones I love the most...my husband and my son! I can usually realize my anger with my two year old and curb it, but with my husband it's different. I sometimes realize it...realize that I must be impossible to deal with, but I can't let go of whatever is angering me at that moment!? Then he may make a comment like..."here we go again" or if I try and apologize he might say, "yeah, well, I'm getting use to it"...or "what else is new." And then I get more pissed off...but I'm not sure if it's at him or me!? I'm pretty sure that this anger that I have, must be revolving around the death of my second son...and it's just coming out sideways...? People have told me that anger is a stage of the grief process, and I keep saying that, "I'm not angry...I'm just heartbroken, that I've never know such sadness in my entire life"...but maybe I am angry? However, the anger can turn to profound sadness and tears on a dime! I get so frustrated! I'm trying to get through this process, and I'm trying NOT to judge myself and put timeframes on it...(it will be 11 weeks this Wednesday that my son Gabriel died) however, I want so much to "feel better!" I want to feel some joy again...I want to enjoy my two year old son, and not take him for granted...appreciate every moment I have with him...than I start to feel guilty about that...that I'm not doing that right either...God forbid anything happen to him too...I think I would surely die! WendyH
  4. Hi, I'm posting my story...I'm not sure if there are new folks here or the same ones from the other group I was in. For those of you who may make the switch and are rereading this again, I apologize...I just wasn't sure how to get started here with this group!? My name is Wendy and our son Gabriel died on April 23, 2003...we miss him terribly! I had just started my ninth month of pregnancy...earlier in my pregnancy we had dealt with several situations...placenta previa - putting me on bed-rest for ten weeks, amniotic/chorionic separation, and two cysts on our son's brain. All of these things had been resolved by the end of my seventh month. We were told that things were going to be fine...smooth sailing from here on out. We were so relieved, to say the least. On Tuesday, the 22nd of April (my birthday of all days) I went into the doctor's office because I was concerned about lack of movement from the baby. For a couple of days I was noticing these bulging movements. My husband and I had thought that maybe with this pregnancy, this baby just maybe rolled more than kicked?? My belly would bulge out and it appeared to be his little head, or bum, or maybe an elbow? However, on this day, something just didn't feel right...no little kicking, no hiccups...just these occasional bulges. That's why I called the doctor. My husband had come home from work early to stay with our two year old son, my mom was on her way up to our house...we were all going out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. Although I was concerned and had called the doctor, we really didn't think anything was really wrong. We had been though so much already, and everything had turned out fine...we really thought it was a false alarm. He had to be fine...he had to be moving around, why would I be seeing these bulges, right? Well, when I got there and the nurse practitioner couldn't find his heartbeat, I was concerned, but not out of control because that had happened before with the doctor. We than went into the ultrasound room...there really wasn't a heartbeat...the doctor came in...no cardiac activity at all...oh God...this couldn't be right, they must have made a mistake...this couldn't be happening....my husband came immediately...we went into the hospital that night and I delivered him the next morning. He had gotten tangled up in the cord... The doctor said there were signs of him being gone longer than the day I noticed...why didn't I notice? The week before I was feeling very uncomfortable, actually was timing contractions, but they never got closer than 30 minutes, and then they stopped! So I didn't call the doctor...thought they were just Braxton Hicks. Why didn't I call the doctor than...? Was that when it happened? I'm killing myself trying to figure out when the last time I actually felt him "kick?" All the decisions that had to be made, and in such a short amount of time...jeeze...it's all so overwhelming! I didn't want to leave the hospital, my husband wanted to leave as soon as possible. It was very difficult for him while we were there...he cried at the hospital, but hasn't since, at least not in front of me. I think he wanted to leave because he wanted/needed to focus on something else because the pain was too much, and being there, it was right there in his face. I didn't want to face anyone...it felt like I could "hide out" there. I didn't need to talk to anyone, tell them what had happened. I couldn't run into anyone there, and have to face the questions...Also, Gabriel stayed there, and as long as I was there, he was there. They would bring him to me any time that I asked for him. I would hold his beautiful little body, and kiss him, wrap his little fingers around one of mine. He was so soft, his skin was so soft. When I was first holding him, he was so warm....as I closed my eyes, leaned my head back, and held his little body, it was as if he wasn't really gone...he was maybe just sleeping in my arms...he was so soft, so warm....I just couldn't bear the thought of leaving the hospital...leaving him... I actually think I feel worse now, than I did when it first happened...if that's at all possible!?!?!?!? My husband seems so much more "together" than I am. Some days I think I appear better than others...but I think I am just better at pretending on those days. The emptiness...the profound sadness...it's almost unbearable...my heart just hurts...it aches so much. It seems like it's always worse at night. I feel fortunate that I have a couple of close friends who want to "be there" for me and support me, however, I just can't bring myself to allow them to be though...I'm not sure why!? I have this feeling that I don't want to bother them...burden them with my sadness. Plus, most of the time I'm most in need in the middle of the night. I won't even wake my husband up, even though I want to more than anything...just to be held by him... I came on-line searching...to...well, I'm not really sure what I am looking for...others who have gone through this, maybe...someone to connect with....it seems easier to type about this and cry, than it does to talk out loud and cry with someone face to face. I'm trying so hard to find my way, but I just feel so lost!? Thank you for reading all of this! Sincerely, Wendy
×
×
  • Create New...