I am lost. Four years ago las month I lost my best friend. I had great support and was grieving fairly well and moving on with what I knew my friend would want me to do. Then three months later almost to the day another close friend of mine died. Again I started the grieving process all over again and was moving on again. More of the people closest to me died but again life went on. I found a great guy who was there for me on all the anniversaries of my friends deaths. My parents always supported me and helped me in times of grief. Little did I know that those tough deaths would never prepair me for the grief I am facing now. My Mom died a year and 8 months ago. I was 21, getting ready to be married and college graduation was just around the corner for me. My life turned upside down in a heartbeat. Mom was dead! The autopsy said drug overdose. But my mom was on numerous medications for numerous ailments. So I somehow doubt that was the root of it all. And if it was then the doctors should have been held accountable for pumping her so full of drugs. Then within a few months of her death I was deployed with my reserve unit overseas. I spent the first mothers day after her death alone and crying. I spent the 6 month anniversary of her being gone alone and crying. Before I had left I had married my fiancee and upon returing had the wedding that I had planned before the deployment. I felt so lost doing all the planning with out my Mom, with out my best friend. No one around here seems to understand what it is like to be a 22 year old planning a wedding without your mom. I survived! The wedding went perfect. But there was still a void. I don't think that void has ever been delt with though. It seems like I haven't had a chance yet to even realize my Mom is gone. I cry occasionally but mostly I just seem to block out any thought of my mom being gone. Sometimes it hits like a brick. I just can't deal with thinking about it any more. I want to cope and grieve but I have so much on my mind right now I just don't allow myself to. My dad called tonight and sprung the news on me that he is seeing someone. For me this is so hard. I have barely delt with my mom being gone yet he is seeing someone? I am not just some kid. I realize that he needs companionship and someone to love him. I don't want him to be alone all of his life. I just don't know if I am ready for this yet. I know it isn't my place to be ready for this though. I guess if he is ready then it is his life. I just don't understand how after 30 years of marriage he can be ready after only a little over a year and a half. I am scared of what happens if they end up staying together and I have to meet this woman. What if they get married? I know I am way ahead of myself here. But I just feel so confused. No one around here has gone through anything that I have gone through. I feel so alone sometimes. The only one I can talk to is God. My husband is great but I just don't think someone can fully understand the pain a person has when they lose someone unless they themselves have lost someone close. And I sometimes think even though some people have lost people close to them it isn't the same when you lose your mom. I just am glad I finally found someplace that others may actually know how I am feeling.
