Hi, I was wondering if anyone would be able to offer me some advice. The story is long so thank you for taking the time to read if you do.
I’ve been with a guy for about a year now and previously on and off before this throughout the years. We’ve been friends for 8 years. Things were going fine until 5 weeks ago when his mother passed away we knew she had cancer but it all happened so quickly. I tried my hardest to be as supportive as I could. For the first 3 weeks before the funeral we were in contact everyday and we seen each other a number of times. He was also openly talking about his feelings and missing his mum. He lost his dad when he was 15 he is now 37.
Unfortunately I was unable to attend his mums funeral as I caught covid a few days before. The night before the funeral he called me and asked me to go over even though he knew I had covid. We agreed it would not be a good idea as I could barely speak not to mention the risk of passing it on. The guilt of not being able to see him still keeps me up at night.
Since the funeral which was two weeks ago although I have continued the contact I’ve only got two replies understandably. I then cut down the contact at the risk of being overbearing. I tried to call twice and got no answer and got this message last week Thursday “Sorry just not really up for talkin or seeing no one just dealing with everything” I replied to say no problem and said I’m here for you and I care about you. Again no reply which I’m completely fine with. I did however when cleaning up last Saturday send a photo of his Christmas present that I still have waiting for him and just said hope you’re doing okay. I left it at that and did not contact him again all week.
I then get a call from him Friday night. I ask him how he is and said I was worried about him he said he is sorting out his life and sorting out his mums house. He said “I’ve not been ignoring you, I’ve just been doing me” He said he has only seen one of his friends, hasn’t really spoken to anyone else and just been spending time with family. (He says this but is constantly online on whatsapp throughout the day and night so surely he must be?!) I told him he didn’t have to explain himself to me and I understand he needs time but that I just wanted to make sure he was okay that was all. He continued with the “just doing me” and said things have been crap. He then said he would contact me when he felt ready. I said that was fine and just that he knows where I am if he needs me.
I now feel very confused I care and feel for him I really do but I’m not sure I have it in me to just wait around until he calls and is ready. I know grief has no timeline and what if its months from now and what if he never calls?! Am I supposed to just put my life on hold in the hope that he calls one day but at the same time I feel terrible even writing this as I know how much his Mum meant to him and that this is his greatest loss. At the same time I just don’t understand this sudden distance going from talking everyday on the phone and texting to nothing at all?!
I had relocated to another country in 2019 but came home in 2021 and stayed because everything was going well. I feel selfish for even saying this but if things don’t work out then I will be leaving again. But how long do I stay & hold on to hope for? And if I do leave if he hasn’t contacted me do I just leave without saying anything?
Please could I get some advice on how long others have previously waited and if its worked out? Its exactly 5 weeks today that his mother passed away and just over 2 weeks that the contact has been non existent so still very early days.
Any advice is much appreciated. Thank you!
