becky

I am very sorry to hear about your father and to all of the other folks who have responded with stories about their loss. I am 27 years old. I lost my father to lung cancer when I was only 6. I can't imagine what you are going through; you had so much more time to know and love your father than I did, but I can tell you about what you will be experiencing. Believe it or not I did no grieving for my father until I was about 18 years old. As my life began to change and my priorities shaped, I began to feel the hole in my life. As I formed relationships with men I realized I had no idea what a healthy one was. My mother never dated, not once, after my dad. I harbored anger at my father. How could you have shildren and continue to smoke 3 packs a day. I cry at weddings everytime the bride dances with her father. But I think the worse part of the whole thing is the look of pity in other people's eyes when you are a teenager and someone finds out about his death. I remember all the 'help' my mom used to get from people and the school counselors I was forced to see. The counselors wanted to force me to talk about it, but being a six-year-old, all I wanted to do was play with the toys in his office. One year, the school gave us a Thanksgiving Dinner 'box' that was supposed to go to the needy. We didn't need food, we needed a dad, and my mom needed her husband. And then there were many years that my mother didn't even speak about him. His memory was closeted. I urge you to talk about him with the rest of your family. Share stories. Understand that when others reach out to help you in ways that don't seem so helpful, they are just trying to say 'I'm sorry for your loss'. Write your dad letters, lots of letters, and believe that he will be waiting for you/watching over you/and always proud and protective. I was a daddy's girl too. My heart goes out to you. Believe me, over time you will find your own ways to honor his memory. For me, I burn a candle for 24 hours on his birthday and death day. I am getting married in a few months and will be having a special floral arrangmentfor him. No one knows that's what it's for but me and my fiance. I find these things comforting. And when you are feeling pain and hopelessness know that he cherished you, and knew you loved him too. All my best wishes, Becky

Robin, I thought it might comfort you to know that my fiance and I are going through the same thing you are. We had to put our dog down this afternoon. He had advanced lung cancer and it was only a matter of time before he wouldn't be able to breathe anymore. I know that it was the right thing to do, but I just can't shake the feeling that we 'killed' him. It hurts so much. What's worse is that I don't know how to comfort my fiance. He is beside himself with grief. He adopted 'Diablo', our 11 year old rottweiler when he was just 3 years old. Despite his tough name, he was a doll. Diablo had been abused and my fiance adopted him from a last-chance rescue. They did obedience training, socialization, and every imaginable program to give him a good life. He was very loved. He loved us too. We feel like we let him down. There's a hole in our hearts. We've jsut about run out of tears. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Becky