aluckyson

Yesterday would've been the one year anniversary of my mom's last day at work, the place that she almost had to be stopped from trying to go to even up until the end. About three hours from now it'll be the one year anniversary of when the ambulance came to pick her up from the house to go to the hospital... it's hard to believe that it's just hours away from the last time she was ever in this house. It's been a pretty lonely year but I've mostly gotten through it okay. It's kind of weird how coincidences work, my mom and I being huge baseball fans. Last year the season opener for our team was on the day that she passed, this year it was yesterday afternoon and its start time would've lined up almost perfectly for her to watch it right when she'd be home from work. It's just a dumb thing I guess but I do wish she would've been able to see that one last opening day game. Anyways, just slightly less than eight more days and it'll officially be one whole year. Not looking forward to that anniversary one bit but I'm hoping that once it's over things will feel a bit better since I won't be thinking about any more "one year" anniversaries.

As of about 15 minutes ago it's officially been half a year since I lost mom. I still can't believe how it both feels so recent and also like it was forever ago. Today is also my 30th birthday and I just wish that it would be over. Not that I ever really celebrate them or anything, but it makes me sad knowing that I won't be spending it with her or at least hearing from her like I did for every other one. It's also Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada so that's just one more reason that this time fo the year will feel weird from here on out.

This is something I still definitely struggle with at times for sure. I used to talk my mom's ear off with things haha. I certainly have that itch to tell her about how I heard some piece of news or saw something when I was out, etc. I still do have little chats with her all of the time and make sure to say goodnight. I still almost always put the baseball game on her TV when it's on too lol. It's still weird and sad to me to think that this will only be the third ever birthday I've had without her (but this one being the first without her literally being around at all,) the second Thanksgiving and the first Christmas and New Year. I think it's going to be maybe only the second time I've not been with her for her birthday either.

4 months now as of early this morning. Still really hard to believe that it's been a third of a year. Two months from now it'll be exactly half a year and it falls on my birthday. Really not looking forward to that at all.

I definitely know what you mean about that. I always cooked for my mom or as I mentioned in a previous post, I would almost always grab us breakfast at Tim Hortons on weekend mornings. It was just a nice little routine thing. It's definitely the talks and just the physical presence though that I miss. On the one hand it's nice that I just eat/cook what I want now when I want since I have no one else to think about for it, but at the same time I'd much much rather have it the way it was before. Oh wow lol, that's kind of a wild way to come into the world. My birthday is actually right around (and occasionally right on) Canadian Thanksgiving.

Today makes it 3 months now. Hard to believe it's been a quarter of a year since she passed away. It still sucks and it always will, but it's a little easier to deal with especially now that I don't have my grandmother and aunt at my house. I'm still dreading some things like my birthday (October) and my mom's (November) because I know those will be hard, not to mention Christmas without her. For some reason I randomly thought of Halloween the other night while laying in bed; it's not that we did anything on the day, but every year my mom would grab a couple of the boxes of assorted candy and she'd take some in to put on her desk for the people at work and she'd keep some at home for us to snack on for a few months. The thought of it really bummed me out.

Unfortunately to do that I'd have to go some place out of province. It's a really weird system. I do have good news though: I had applied at an insurance brokerage last week and I just received an email from one of their offices about half an hour ago to set up a Zoom interview some time next week. Meanwhile, this morning I received a second email from a different place I applied to (hospitality industry) about my interest in a spot; they called me then about 90 minutes ago and tomorrow morning I'll be having an in person interview there. Still hoping to be contacted by the bank for an interview, but right now it looks like some other options are opening up in the meantime.

Wish me luck, I applied online today and am hoping I make it through so that the manager at my local branch can give them a recommendation for me. It's a shame you had such little time with him, but I'm glad that you had it. There's that saying about a light that burns so bright burns half as long. My hope is that we'll all see them again one day. Still not religious, probably won't be (I'm just agnostic) but I do hold a bit of hope that it's how things go.

That's awful, and I feel terrible for your loss. That's a crazy amount to go through so close together. The fact, I think, is that you're right and that you won't be the same. I don't mean it in that you'll never feel good again, but it does change you. I haven't dealt with losing three close people like that, but I know that if one changes you, three must. Right now I think just grieving is all that can be asked of you. You deserve to be able to. If you're the type of person that would benefit from it I'd recommend reaching out to friends to talk to; anyone who is reasonable or even just nice will want to help. Of course places like this are good to visit too.

Minimum wage here is $15 which is equivalent to $11.65 in the US. As for Gwen, it's unfortunate that she doesn't have some more things to look forward to but it's good that she has that. It's fun playing even if you don't win. Mom and I always got 2 cards each for Tuesday nights in her final months which would cost a total of $18 (that's a tick under $14 USD). We used to play the Saturday night ones too (which cost us $20 in total, $5 per card) but we didn't like it as much. Anyways, even though we never won together it was fun... even when it was frustrating because they'd keep barely missing our numbers. I love (not past tense, never past tense) my mom more than the world. EVERYONE I've talked to, from people at her work, the women at our bank, the women at our insurance place, the head nurse at our family doctor has said how sweet and how smart she was. Keep in mind that my mom was kind of private outside of work but you couldn't help but to love her. Anyone who didn't like my mom is probably someone who sucks lmao. If I ever find myself a woman who I think of even half as highly as I do my mom, I'll go ring shopping the next morning. I actually had something happen today that I'm PRAAAAAYING works out... I went to the bank to pay a few bills; the women there all knew my mom and sort of know me, and they're super nice. Anyways, one suggested applying to become a teller. Minimum wage they pay at the bank is $20 to start and she said they're always looking for more tellers. She also said that since they're almost always women they a guy might be able to get a fast track in since we're kind of rare. So if I get a chance to work there (knock on wood) and only got 30 hours a week, that $30,000 a year would allow me to not have to worry about finances barring something major. The other great thing is that I live super close to the bank. If I really wanted to in the good weather I could just walk there in about 10 minutes. To drive there round trip would take me like 3 minutes a day.

I did a bit of converting on the numbers and I'd say it's around $5.80/gallon USD where I live. I have three places I generally go to for groceries: the first is only a couple of minutes away but the selection and prices aren't great. The second place is about a 10-15 minute drive each way and has a lot more selection and the prices are comparable. The best option is about a 25 minute drive away (each way) which is about the only drawback as it has the best selection and prices. When mom was alive it was definitely where we would get things from most of the time. Regarding my house, I discussed it last night here at time and things may not be as serious as I thought. Don't get me wrong as I don't have the money to not do anything for a decade, but my leash is a little longer than I thought. Really outside of my bills (heat, electric, water, gas, property taxes, home and car insurance, internet and cable) and things like food and gas for the car, I don't have much to worry about in terms of costs as I don't have car payments or a mortgage - knock on wood that I don't have any serious home/car repairs in the near future as the house is relatively new and the car isn't a decade old yet and is of a quality make. The closest my my mom and I ever got to winning the lottery was winning at TV bingo when she first went into the hospital. That was for less than $120 lol. We had been playing for about seven months, once a week (or at most, twice) and we didn't actually win until the evening of the day she was set to stay in the hospital for her first or two trips. I remember phoning her after it with the good news and I know it made her happy. I just wish it had have happened when she was actually there to play with me. I'll never know whose ticket was the actual winner, but I'll always just consider it to count as "ours".

I'm in Canada (Ontario) so gas here is about $2 a litre, so not great but probably better than California. Basically the options are the following: Job 1 - it's pretty close to home. Only about a 3 minute drive both ways with good weather (maybe a little more than 5 minutes in the winter). It's really a job I think I wouldn't enjoy much as it's pretty fast paced/service oriented (it's at a chain restaurant). Job 2 - it's about a 25 minute drive both ways. It's also not a job that I'm thrilled about but it's not a customer service job and it's more private which I like. Now granted I don't 100% have this even locked down yet as I have a second interview (on Zoom) set up for Tuesday as of now. Bear in mind that both jobs pay barely over minimum wage, but that's really all I'm in the market for unfortunately. Now there's a third (possible) option which would be the most ideal but I'm waiting to see if it's even available. It's also not amazing by any means, but it pays slightly better than the other two and it's located only about a 30 second drive away which is nice. I'm still looking around and hoping I can find other things, but I don't live in a very large area so it's a bit limited. Realistically if I could just make around $19,500 USD a year it should cover most of my expenses with a little wiggle room added. Winning the lottery would be ideal, but I'm not waiting on that to happen lol.

It seems like I've managed to get it. If I accept the position I would begin my orientation on Wednesday. I have another interview (I made it past the first stage) on Tuesday, but I'll probably cancel it - it's a job that I think I'd prefer, pays the same but it's about an 15 minute commute each way, and I'm sure everyone here knows what gas prices are like these days. I have a family member who is going to look into a job thought for me and I REALLY hope it happens since the place is so close to me that I wouldn't even need to drive if I didn't want to during the nice weather. The pay is a little better too than the other places on top of that. Still certainly nothing that'll make me rich, but it'd be ideal in a lot of ways.

They're not really forcing me I guess, but they're saying the financial situation isn't as good as previously thought. I'm hoping they're wrong though, but there's still fees (from my mom's funeral and whatnot) to finish with. Plus certain things like the house insurance are going to go up for me as my mom's policy had a senior's discount that I won't be able to benefit from. I actually do have a job interview in like two hours though. It won't paid a ton and it's less than glamorous, but I hope I get it. It's close to home (actually only about a minute drive from where my mom worked) which means it'll be good on gas/wear and tear. It's a night position too which is ideal as it should be less stressful. Doing the math (if I even get the job) I should be able to mostly handle my finances but I'll have to really adhere to a STRICT budget for quite some time. I'd do almost anything though to not have to sell my mom's house or have to move from the only area I've ever known. And yeah, I've been keeping a mental calendar in my head about when they're leaving. Just 9 full days after today lol.

My aunt and grandmother came back yesterday afternoon. They're going to be staying here until July 4th. I'm in a pretty bad place right now... I'm being told that I may not be able to keep the house and that I might have to sell it. I've done the math and I thought that even if I did nothing in terms of having an income I should be good for about a year living the lifestyle that I do, but I'm being told that even if I can find work that I might be in trouble. I don't know if it's them knowing something I don't or what. I've been redoing some math and I think that they might actually be right about it. I just feel miserable and I want to be with my mom more than anything.