Sad_Widower

Hi all, So they say that the survivor often does not live long after the death of their soulmate. In my case, this appears it will be true. I want to share with you all I have been diagnosed with Terminal Stage IV colon cancer. The good news is if I had not gone to the ER and left untreated, the doctor said i only had a few months. The bad news is it is incurable. I am unsure if the stressors of losing my wife aided in this (no one in my family has it), however I could sense my health deteriorating since losing her. My Blessing On a side note, my wife taught me that in almost every scenario, there is something good to focus on. The result of this caused something I never would have imagined, and that is my parents and I have reunited. We had a long talk and they claim they thought I didn’t want to see them (which was the furthest from the truth) but whatever the reason it is over now. As mentioned previously, as an only child I was incredibly close to them for 50 years. They live only a few miles from me so I get to spend my remaining years in the love of my family which means everything to me. Still, this is hard news to take and I just pray God is with me. I certainly feel like I am right with God whatever happens henceforth is in his hands. Thanks for listening.

I assume most if not all of you have once thought, “if I would have turned left instead of right” or “if i would have stayed home that night” or [insert any common event that would have prevented you from meeting your future soulmate], “then……[life as you know it] would have never happened. “ I often think back to how meeting my wife was BY FAR the best thing that ever happened to me. I met my her during during the summer between my junior and senior year of university . I got a job working as a waiter at a fancy restaurant in a large “Entertainment Area” that had restaurants and various clubs etc. Her father did not own the restaurants and clubs, but he owned the property and had an office there as well. They had just moved from East London six months before, and my wife was only 18. He gave her a little job there and I would often see her, smile and wave. Ironically a friend/fellow waiter had a crush on her and used to talon about her all the time. However she fancied me, she told me later she thought I had a cute butt—ha ha—so we got to know one another and one thing let to another. I imagine we officially became a “couple” within two months of meeting each other. After about eight months of dating I proposed to her (the most nervous I’ve been in my life). We initially planned on moving to London (as she wanted to go back), but I got a good job here right out of school, and then we realized we wanted to be near both our parents, etc. It’s amazing though as I always reflect on how if I would not have circled that waiter job to apply….I doubt I would have met her and life would have been completely different. Although I lost her, and since have endured what I imagine pure hell to be like, I would do it over again knowing the same outcome due to the wonderful memories we had. We truly achieved all of our dreams, save for growing old together.

You absolutely nailed it here. My personal belief is the only way for this to be possible is via the power of love. In other words I feel love is the most powerful energy on Earth (I feel it is responsible for life itself), and we as “humans” truly only understand a small percentage of its capabilities To that end, it’s just my belief, whereas I know there is an afterlife of some sort (or the ability for a soul to communicate with another soul—within a living body or not When I talk to my kids about this, I tell them before they label me crazy, isn’t this what Christianity teaches us, so you either believe or you don’t So no, my personal belief is not everyone who passes goes to some afterlife sphere and is reunited with those in their path….I instead feel it has to be earned Part of that includes believing it is possible (Ie faith) and is limited to souls you were connected with in life and shared the same faith as your soul. I actually talked to a “grieving counselor” about my experience and explained to her that perhaps while we are living we plant seeds in each other’s souls that only come to fruition once one soul is missing I forget exactly how I described it but I remember she was wide-eyed and really thinking about it I love your line of thinking Chocolate. I have not read much of your story but will do a search to understand what your experience has been as I feel we have a lot in common 🙂 Being able to communicate with people such as yourself and others on this forum (who all share the same type of loss) is a beautiful thing and has helped me tremendously (For the first 18 months after my wife’s passing I literally dropped out of life due to not having anyone to communicate with.)

In a way, the context of this post is the ONLY thing that drives me to live. So thanks for starting a great thread! I have gone from believing I will be reunited with my wife, to knowing I will be. I’ll save the gory details, but I have had a few experiences that go far beyond proving this to me. Yes, I could be crazy and lost touch with reality during these times—I get that. However, why would I be so lucid in all other aspects of life with the exception of this one domain? To that end, I believe (I don’t know) that I have to make myself worthy of being with her. Said differently I’m not taking any chances l, so have effectively given myself up to truly being right with God and being proactive in following His Word. I’ll say that, IMO, religion is a personal/private matter for each person, thus the last thing I would do is push my beliefs on anyone. As to what she is experiencing that is a great mystery to me. I feel there might be times where she can “watch me”. Knowing her, if she had this ability she would be watching me like a hawk, so deep down I pretty much feel she is aware of every move I make, and thus it drives me to continue and make her proud of me. I do talk to her outloud and let her know that I am unsure if she can “read my mind” or how it works. However, just in case she can only hear and see things, then I let her know I am constantly thinking of her and not to be upset if I don’t talk about lout to her that often. I tell her outloud each night how much I love and miss her, and each time I light a candle for her, I pray to God that he gives her the power to be aware of/attracted to the flame that symbolizes the love her loved ones have for her, and pray that her spirit can be close to the flame in her house knowing we are thinking of her. Finally, I let her know I can sense her spirit. I don’t want her to get frustrated thinking that I don’t, so I explain she doesn’t have to do anything more than she is to connect with me (unless she chooses to) but that I feel her spirit with me and am always aware and looking for any “signs” she (or perhaps God) might give me. So yeah, based on an epiphany I had, my life revolves around preparing to be with her again. i absolutely love it because it gives me a true purpose. Soon once I have saved a little more and have my passport, I am leaving the country and devoting 100% of my time to this.

Hello all. I hope you are e doing well. Unsure how to best phrase this question, but I am curious if you have any examples of a time where your heart was truly broken for your significant other…specifically in his or her final years? I thought about this as I was posting to a cancer forum specific to the type of leukemia my wife had. I don’t know, I just remember how my wife would read forums and soak up every bit of incifmeation she could, I figure with it being so rare I might be able to help someone sharing her experience. One thing I recall that really tore heart was: As part of my wife’s disease her spleen started to enlarge as it was taking on so much blood. My wife was very tiny (~105lbs) and was really proud of her slim/voluptuous figure. Unfortunately her spleen grew so large, people started asking if she was pregnant. I remember one day she came out and had a maternity shirt on. I think she was hoping I didn’t notice and honestly I ignored it, but it really broke my heart. I have many other examples but am curious about your experiences (if any). In a weird way it does not bother me to reminisce about it because I was very cognizant and gentle about the situation (it might be different if I made snide remark to her.). Ah, I miss her so much. Thanks

Greetings fellow mourners. I have not been on this site in a few days so am playing catch-up reading all the new posts. There seems to be a lot, and that is good. While I might not post on here each day, I do endeavor to read as much as I can. As I’ve noted before, you are the only people in the world I communicate with, whom I feel can truly empathize with my pains…and that means a great deal to me. Please know this. To that end, I wanted to throw out a question to you all. I imagine it’s been discussed before and I’ve seen a few of you allude to it in various posts: but here goes… Are you looking for a romantic companion? If not actively seeking a companion, are you open to the idea of it? Or…do you find idea of being in another romantic relationship repulsive? For me…I have learned decades ago to “never say never” to anything in the world. With that, I simply do not see myself ever being in another relationship. I’m not naive enough to think dispel the possibility of a woman I meet in the future garnering feelings fro’ me, but I feel in the rare event it happens, I would purposely prevent myself from acting on it. So I realize it could happen, but I feel I would purposefully go out of my way to ensure it doesn’t if I notice some of the signs. Hopefully that makes sense. Finally, I want to express sometning in that I do not judge anyone when it come to this. Yes, I am aware of many widowers my age who move to the Philippines and marry a 20 year old who is obviously with them just for their money. I find that cringy and can never understand that, but I don’t judge. In my fact my grandfather, whom is the relative I loved the most in the history of my family, started dating a woman when he was in his mid 70’s a few years after losing my grandmother. It confused me and I tried to repress it, but I never judged him for that. My thinking if the majority of you have no interest in becoming romantically involved, but who knows. It seems most widows/widowers in their early 50’s want to start a new life…but I dunno. I still want to appreciate and reflect on my old life.

I felt this. Dying alone is definitely a scary thought. For some bizarre reason I am not concerned with being alone for that experience. It’s one of those things where I think “never in a million years did I think this is how it would end up—but what can I do?” It’s one of the few things I have actually accepted with the passing of my wife. I think what has helped me to accept it is this: Assuming only one of us (my wife or myself) could have the opportunity to pass with our family around us…I would happily sacrifice this so it could be her. Now every time I think this I hear her voice telling me “Of course you would, because you aren’t the one who died first” (my wife was SO worried about dying—she really wanted to live). But I sincerely mean that. Aside from her young age her passing was as peaceful and loving as that experience can be. So now, my future is completely unknown. I imagine this experience has take years off all of our life expectancy. Who knows. I plan to research how long males my age have lasted after losing their spouse at the age I lost mine. Best case scenario for me is my son stays with me in India (where I moving to soon) and gets married and starts a family I am able to be around etc and I have people with me when I pass. Or, he’s not with me but the local community takes care of me. Who knows. I am just living my life trying to make myself worthy to be reunified with my wife after passing. That is my sole purpose in life at this point.

My wife was from Great Britain. She was a true cockney from East London (I met her just months after she moved the to the US). The passing of Queen Elizabeth definitely made me think of my wife more than usual as she was heavily into following the royal at family. All the weddings the death of Lady Diane, etc. Honestly, I never understood it. I found it of little interest. However, I know if my wife were alive, she would be GLUED to the TV watching every ceremony involved. When I heard the Queen passed I was surprised she was still alive She certainly had a good life so was actually happy to know she made it to the age she did. I can only hope my wife has the chance to meet her in some post-life capacity as I know she admired her. All in all, the passing the Queen actually gave me mixed emotions, simply as this would have been the top “current event” my wife would have had interest in since her passing, and I could literally feel my wife’s presence talking about it when first announced. Hopefully that makes sense…but this was a good topic. 🙂 p.s. On a side note, I have a friend who is a boxing promoter. He was involved in a large event to take place in London that was postponed due to the Queen’s passing. I’ve not spoken with him since the postponement of the fight…(unsure if he is coming back or staying) but my understanding is there is a bit of controversy going on in the UK as to the government “forcing people to mourn.” Honestly I can understand it, I’m sure we would have suspended all entertainment events in the US had something similar occurred.

As a “Bonus” follow up, I’d like share a quick story with respect to this topic of something I saw decades ago that stuck with me. It was either a TV show or a movie. I have no idea. I only caught this last scene. There was an older man (70’s) who was being wheeled out of a courtroom (I think his children were suing him for his money or something to that effect). Anyway, as he was being wheeled out of the court room, he saw his daughter and said: “I used to run a million-dollar company and was an important person to many employees and their families. I used to be a respected philanthropist and well-known member of our community, helping to build it so future generations could prosper. “This morning I got yelled at and berated by a minimum-wage caretaker for soiling my diapers. “How did this happen?” I will NEVER EVER forget that. I wish I knew what movie/show it was…I was just flipping channels and caught that scene…but I wanted to vomit it was so dark. 😢

While I’ve not posted in a little while, I am trying to read and catch-up to see how everyone is doing. Typically I will go through this forum as at the end of the day as I lay in bed. Perhaps this is why you might see so many typos and/or I appear loopy (I’ve actually fallen asleep in mid-post before). So I don’t drink and certainly don’t do drugs…I just usually fall asleep reading this forum The reason I am behind in reading this forum is I become a bit ill. I saw a virtual doctor, told him my symptoms and he prescribed some antibiotics. We’ll see. Still running a fever, which is VERY rare for me. Over the last 25-30 years, anytime one of us was sick, they were majorly pampered. By that, each other member of the family was at the person’s beckon call to ensure they had everything need for a speedy recovery. Obviously I spent my turn sitting at the bedside of our children when they were younger and not well. Additionally I cannot tell you how many times I sat with/waited on my wife while she was sick. It brings me to tears just thinking of it. When she was sick I cried, and vice-verse. I think this might be the first time I have been “not well” since her passing, and I am man enough to admit it is VERY scary. In fact late yesterday afternoon, I had what I think might be my first panic attack. By that my son was getting ready for work (he is a server/bartender so works nights)….my temperature spiked, and I had this burst of energy (but bad panic-like energy) and started pacing in my room thinking how I’ve not gotten any better over the past week. I texted my son and told him I was not well and afraid to be alone (which is extremely out of character for me…but true). To his credit my son offered to stay home but noted if he called in at the last moment it might not “look good” so I told him just to go on. I eventually calmed myself down. To that end, it got me thinking. I don’t really have anyone to take care of me when I am ill. Don’t get me wrong, my son loves me. However…how do I put this? Let’s say that I was in bed sick (as I have been since Friday) and asked him to get my xyz from the neighborhood grocery store (10 minute round trip)…he would get it, but probably not be back 3-4 hours after leaving. Meaning he would go out with his friends first…and in all candor a 50% chance he would even remember to pick up xyz on the way home. This is the norm, not the exception. However I take no offense to it, it just it what it is. This, assuming he was even home to begin with (which he rarely is anyway). So yeah, I’m pretty much on my own when sick at this point (for the first time ever) and it’s really scary. So I give you all that babble to ask..are any of you in the same boat? By that, in the event you become sick you are pretty much on your own…which is new post loss of your significant other? I believe the perceived panic attack I had was due to coming to this realization.

Today is my son’s 22 birthday. He is our oldest child. My wife has been on my mind all day, as I told my son: “while it’s a big day for you, it also is a big day for mommy and I…22 years ago, we experienced the happiest moment of our lives when God blessed us with a child. 22 years ago today, mommy and I started living.” In fact each year on this day, my wife and I would reminisce about the entire day, how it all happened etc etc. My son is the only family member left I have a relationship with (aside from two of my uncles). I’ve noted this before, but if you understood the dynamics of my family, you would realize this is extremely bizarre as prior to my wife’s passing we were all about family and constantly spent time with both sides of the family. But I digress. I am extremely blessed to have my son in my life. Just coming back from a week long business trip, I became pretty ill upon returning home. Running a high fever with body aches, stomach flu etc etc. Still I dragged myself out of bed and ensured I went shopping for him, I got him a cake and ice cream…just the usual you do for your loved ones on their birthday. We also agreed to have dinner at this Nepali restaurant he likes. Going back to the subject of this post. At 2pm my son did one of his “I’ll be right back”. Of course he did not return until 9:30pm, so we decided to just get take out. Of course it’s his birthday and I want him to do whatever he wants (even if that means excluding me). I truly mean this. He is good to me, and I understand that age, so definitely don’t hold it against him. I started thinking about birthdays in the past. My wife passed a few weeks after her 46th birthday. That morning I took her to this coffee place she always wanted to try. We had lunch at her favorite restaurant, and the kids and I cooked for her that evening. She was only months off her stem-cell transplant, and was so frail (maybe 90 lbs). Her hair was just starting to come back after more rounds of chemo, etc. On my last birthday, she was sick. I remember how she felt so bad about it, and kept saying “tomorrow or as soon as I feel well, I will cook for you and make you a cake…” etc. i told her the best birthday present I could have is if I could pamper her while she was not feeling well (and I SINCERELY meant that). So I spent the day taking care of her. Back the subject line of this thread (really, I mean it this time) today I realized that when I or my soulmate had a birthday, we spent every waking moment together. Our plans were together. We celebrated everything together. However, with other loved ones (even someone such as my son who I love as much as my wife) it’s not like that. He does his thing, and I patiently wait. It just show the dynamics of the nuclear family and how your spouse/significant other/soulmate is truly the center of your universe. No one else can or ever possibly fill that role.

So I have been travelling on business all week (the first time since my wife’s passing) and it has really got me thinking. I was in a fraternity house… met my wife, who I became MADLY in love with and just months later I found myself in board room of a start-up company (with no clue as to what I was doing). How did this happen? NOTE: Please undertand the absolute last thing I am doing his “bragging” in this post. I can see how this can construed, as such…however It’s actually the complete opposite (as I take zero credit for it). I just want to ensure this is realized. First, I want you to understand I work for an incredibly large company with deep pockets. (Prior to here I was at Bank of America and before that JP Morgan/Chase - and my current employer is much bigger than both of them.). This means I sometimes enter a different world. My plane ride here was first class, I am staying right on the Boston harbor for a week in hotel suite that is twice the size of the apartment my wife and I first lived in. Prime-rib breakfasts, Morton’s Steakhouse for lunch, and $200 per night dinners (w/drinks included) is the norm. I mention all this simply because as I sit here, I realize I have more in common with the people serving us our lunch than I do with any of the other executives I am surrounded by. This is no exaggeration. Please know I did not come from money. My neighborhood (6 square miles) was considered the most dangerous neighborhood in the city that was murder capital in the US during my HS years. My wife came from money—but I have never accepted one cent from her family. I am the only in-law who hasn’t. So I ponder here in these executive meetings. …I look around and see all these younger guys (early 40’s) and it’s what they were obviously groomed for in life. It’s the life they have always wanted. This setting is old news to me (been there done that at the highest level)…and never cared about any of it. So how did I get here? Why is it I, (internally) stick out like a sore thumb—and am the only one who realizes this? I tell you this as it really reiterated how much I loved my wife. I wanted her, so desperately to have the best life possible, I somehow stepped out of my comfort zone and positioned myself in this world. In other words 100% of whatever success I’ve had is because of her. I no longer want this life. At all. I’m only doing it for the following: - It’s really all I know from a career perspective. - I get paid well. Other than that I am done. I am waiting to get my passport then outta here…off to India. There is a small chance my company might keep me on (as 1/2 the people who report to me live in India) but it doesn’t matter to me either way. I just reflect on how HARD I worked and made the impossible in to a possibility…and in all candor, my wife gets most of the credit. Had it not been the love I have for her, I don’t know. But she’s gone and so is my drive. I just go through the motions to keep myself afloat until I can leave here and drop out of the rat race. Instead I will happily give it all away to contour doing somethng that drives me from the heart.

I want to express an area of my life for which have been blessed and I am grateful I am currently traveling for business (the first time since my wife’s passing). Ironically, I am in one of our favorite cities (Boston). I noted I packed for the first time in 30 years etc. Even during the plane trip. I was thinking how I can’t tell my wife about the annoying guy beside me who did nothing but flip through heavy duty paper in a binder (at least 500 pages of it) for over three hours straight (it was like a punch in the face after the first hour) ugh When I arrived to my hotel, I opened my suitcase, and on top of my clothes was a note. Understand, my wife would always write me a little love note each time I travelled and she packed for me…so when I saw this note my knees literally buckled. I thought for a moment that perhaps it was a left over that I someone missed in a prior trip…or did not know what to think. I picked it up and read it. It was from my son! :-). He just wrote a little note stating he is proud of me, and that “mommy” would he also and she will be with me on this trip etc. Understand, this is a bit out of character for my son. By that, while he is very loving, he normally doesn’t go out of his way to show it like this. So it really made me think. While yes I am very sad and lonely in this hotel, at the same time I have to focus on the fact there IS still one person left whom I know loves me unconditionally. It’s something I never have, nor ever will, take for granted. God has blessed me today.

I often think about something. How would my wife be coping now, had I passed first? In all candor, I feel she might possibly suffered more than I am. There is a variety of reasons for this. I will say, the way my family—for some unknown reason—has shunned me, I have no reason to believe they would not have shunned her as well. Consequently, I sometimes truly wonder…is it better she went first? I just cannot answer this in my head. . So my questions to you are: 1. Do you feel your significant other would have suffered equally, if not worse than you have? 2. If your answer to above is “Yes” do you take ANY comfort in knowing that he or she was exempt from experiencing this level of sorrow? It’s really a difficult one for me. I sometimes think “the ONLY way I could ever be more heart-broken than I am, is if is I passed first, and had to watch/be aware of my wife going through what I have. i shutter to think how scared she would be and I’m confident she would mourn me with as much, if not more tenacity than I am her. When I talk to her. I rarely complain about any of life’s problems. I figure either she is aware or she isn’t. If she’s not there is no point bothering her about i. I’ll just wait until we are reunited and the.bitch and moan until she gets sick of it. Seriously, I hope she is not aware of the unjust I have faced…she just needs to know I miss her and am heart-broken beyond repair.

James (if I may call you this), do you mind if I ask how old your wife was when she passed? As unlucky as life has been since my wife passed, the ONE thing I can say I am extremely blessed with was to be there, holding my wife's hand, with both our kids bedside, when she passed. It was almost like a movie...except her passing was the last thing I envisioned was going to happen. I would have been equally shocked had she passed in a car accident on the way to the hospital. A few things: When my wife passed, she was very lethargic. However, she sat up quickly with a look of shock on her face (which is etched in my memory), and then fell back. All the machines she was hooked up to started making continuous beeps. Doctors and nurses came rushing in. The hallways sounded an alarm (such as a fire alarm) with a strobe light going off outside her room. On the loudspeaker (throughout the entire hospital) "Code Blue in Room 216. Attention: Code Blue in Room 216!" The kid and I jumped up and left the room to give them space. I just prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. It was obvious what happened. Eventually, one doctor came to me (he was an ER doctor) and told me he "brought her back" I shook his hand, and will never forget I started thinking about how that evening she I and would be talking about "how you almost died". I was in tears of happiness, then my son put his hand on my shoulder and said "Dad. Please don't' get your hopes up. She's gone." They then brought us in to a room with a Chaplin and doctor. Another doctor basically told me she is alive, but she is dead. He said the best he can do is keep her alive for few moments if we wanted to say goodbye (and that she would be in a comatose state". I asked "is she in pain?" He said "Well....she not in comfort"...so essentially Pulled the proverbial plug'...something my wife thought I would NEVER be able to do (we talked about it being possibility). Finally. I want to describe just how close I came to missing this. About five minutes before she passed, I told my family "I'm gonna run home and email the office to let them in I won't be in today." I had keys in hand, and was literally standing with one foot facing the door. The way my wife looked at me told me...'it's better if I stay with her.."I cannot put in to words how I would have felt had I left and she passed. I think it would have probably killed me. With everything that's happened since her passing, I think that would have just been too much for me. It's really amazing how little split decisions can sometimes literally be life-changing.