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benf995

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Everything posted by benf995

  1. Thank you for the kind words.....it was all very special. You've been through a lot, reading the story of your losses was heartbreaking. It's all very fresh to me right now.......it's making me question almost every life decision I have ever made. I don't want to be me at the moment.
  2. thank you so much for that sweet story and reply. it means a lot to know that there is some light at the end of this seemingly infinite dark tunnel
  3. Thank you. This whole experience is making me value the kindness of others like never before.
  4. Thank you so much. I have been reaching out to anyone and everyone who has experienced this for help. I tried to mentally prepare myself for it many times and simply couldn't. We always think we have more time than we do. The part about being kind to myself made me tear up. For some reason I don't think I deserve the kindness. I can't even look at my father's dog right now.
  5. Hello, Apologies if this post is long and rambling......this is my first post here and first ever experience reaching out for true help in any way from strangers. My father passed away 3 days ago. He was my best friend and the single most important person in the world to me. I have lost grandparents who I was close with, aunts and uncles, pets.....all of which were tough......but this is crippling. During all those other times of grief my father was the one to get me through it. I still have a big family - 3 brothers, a sister, a mom, a great and supportive work family. But it is nowhere near the same. Not even close. I had a very good relationship with my father. We all did. We were never the overly affectionate types, but always greeted with a hug and always told each other i love you. He knows more about me than anyone, a lot of deep secrets, some of which i feel like i burdened him with now - although he always denied this. There were periods when i was distant and mean in my high school / college years. I'm now 36 years old now and tried to cherish him as best i could in the last decade or so. Yet here I am, overwhelmed with regret and guilt. I couldve called so much more. I couldve visited so much more. I couldve tried to have more special and intimate moments. His last 2 weeks were spent in the hospital where i was lucky to spend almost every minute with him. Held his hand a lot and got to say a lot of meaningful things. Got to tell him i love him a lot. Never got a formal "goodbye" because it ended suddenly, but i got more than most. None of this is any consolation to me right now. I am physically crippled. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I have lost 8 pounds in 3 days. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing. I feel guilty doing ANYTHING. It feels like I am dishonoring him even though he was so proud of me. I'm sure these are all "normal" feelings during grieving.....but I cant fathom getting out of this. I cant fathom how anyone gets out of this.
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