We've recently lost my sister-in-law (SIL) to a multitude of health conditions. Not only was her sudden loss a shock, but she had just turned 40 and kept her health issues a secret from us.
I am trying to figure out a way to best support my husband and his family during this terrible time. However, one of the bigger issues is that my MIL has never liked me and she is currently taking her anger out on me and our 4-year-old daughter.
I want to be there for her and help in any way I can, but the nicer I try to be to her, the worse she is to me. I haven't confronted her b/c I understand that she is in great pain and I couldn't even begin to imagine what she is going through. However, I can't endure this abuse for the rest of my life. Not only is it a mental load for me, but it's also affecting my relationship with my husband and anyone that is within our orbit.
I could give a laundry list of horrible incidences with her that would show how fraught our relationship is, but I'm not sure that would help here. The bottom line is that within the past 10 yrs, she has repeatedly belittled or tried to bully me, and has been extremely passive aggressive, hyper-critical, cruel, or just downright cu***.
In the past few months, I have offered to do errands for her, clean the house, help her with her doctor appointments, etc. I have no problem with her saying no to any of it. My problem is that once I've offered, or shown that I'm trying to be empathetic, she doubles down and becomes especially nasty.
For example, her 1 go-to move is that when I offer to help, she gives a simple and short 'no' - which is fine - but then the very next day, she will call my husband and tell him how she and my FIL can't take being in the house any longer, so of course, my husband will tell them to come over. Within minutes of being in our house, she becomes hyper-critical - criticizing everything in my house from the way I dress down to what I'm giving my daughter to eat. Every move I make she'll declare out loud "we never do this in my house!" Or "I'd never allow her to do that!" She will then march into my daughter's playroom and start saying how we're spoiling her and try to "donate" some of her toys on her own, which of course sends my daughter into a tailspin.
I'm trying to support my husband by either going to my in-laws house or having them come to ours often. But each time she hones in on me & begins to passive aggressively berate me or becomes short tempered w/my daughter. If I try to walk away she'll follow me. If she sees I'm talking to neighbor to avoid her, she'll walk right up & take over the conversation. Lately I haven't gone or left when they came over. But I am wrong for doing this? More importantly, can my daughter and I do this for the rest of our lives?
Me writing the laundry list of issues between her and me here prob wouldn't help much aside from me venting, but my biggest question is how do I support a grieving person that I just simply can't stand and who obviously feels the same?
