David1957

Ztyu123, I feel your pain for I'm going through the grieving process now. I don't know what kind of appointment you canceled, but if it is for grief recovery...GO! YES, there will be pain and despair. Oh, I know about pain when it comes to the loss of close pets. I've seen my father cut one of my dog's throat when I was 21. I saw him stab to death another when I was 8. Yes, I am a different person after euthanizing my best friend, but I must continue. We cannot fall over dead physically because we wish too. We can die though mentally. That is why I am fighting by writing my books and knowing, I WILL save and LOVE another soul as my Bambaloo would have wanted. She is NOT over a rainbow, but walks with me spiritually. She is in me. I realize I cannot bring her back physically. It's impossible no matter how much we cry, wish, and want to die. Promises to God or the Devil to make deals doesn't work either. So, I hope I don't sound mean, because I know you are suffering. DON'T GIVE UP! Think of what YOUR pet wanted for YOU to do. Love another or suffer? D ~

February 9, 2023, Dearest Bambaloo, It is so hard for me to write this but it is out of the love in my heart and the deep pain I feel. A couple of nights before I did what I did, I took you outside. You were so happy to see the snow. You grabbed mouthfuls and loved to watch when you were able to roll around in it. This night, as I saw the flakes collecting on your soft reddish fur, I thought, these are tears collecting on you. Tears from where? Why did I think that? At that point, I did not even think of ending your precious life. Bailey has missed you greatly. She is not the same now. She looks for you and leaves my side almost immediately. She is so sad. I am so sad. She is not eating now. I know writing this will not bring you back. Nothing will ever bring you back. The hardest thing I did in my entire life was to kill something I loved so deeply. I can say I hate myself for what I did to you. I write because that is the only way I can put in words to you how sorry I am. I know you trusted me with your life. You trusted me and you loved me. I am carrying a great load of guilt on my brain Bambaloo. Your name will not disappear from my mind. Your smiling face, your waggling tail, the way you would give Bailey tongue baths to her face. You are truly a loving soul. You knew pain as I did. You lived it for most of your life being abused and unloved like me. That is why it was so difficult for me to end your life. So many people say you were suffering. Were you? You looked happy. You smiled and wagged your tail. Your eyes were bright, you were hungry, and you were attentive. I lay on the floor to listen to you breathe inside your body. You came to me when I cried. Now, I have no one. No one. Bailey even stays away when I need comfort. You understood me. You knew what to do every time. I am not upset at Bailey. It’s not her fault. But she is suffering also. I cannot give her anti-depressants like I can take to help me sleep. Not to forget, but to get through the hardest moments when I see your photos or need you. Oh…Bambaloo, my darling little dog, my heart aches to see you again and I know that is not possible. I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry. I cannot ask for forgiveness. I hope there will be peace for me someday. Bailey and I will be with you and I will feel your soft tongue again and feel your tail wag hard against my legs. I'm tried baby. I am going to lay down now. Goodnight, sweet and sweet dreams.

Feb 6, 2023. For days I have been able to keep my emotions under control in dealing with the decision to put Bambaloo to rest. When the thought of sadness begins to enter my mind, I quickly distract myself with a project. Am I in the denial part of grieving, for the anger part is pretty much over. Second guessing is entering my mind, doubting my decision to end Bambaloo's life to quickly and making excuses to myself that other's pressured me to act quickly because she will get worse fast. No Diabetes is not a death sentence for dogs, but it surely doesn't help when a person cannot afford the supplies. The plan was to care for her without meds, change her diet, and let things run it's course. She was actually doing very well except for the cold weather. But repeatedly being told by the vets all the terrible things that could happen within days, such as her possibly going blind overnight. Or she could be in excruciating pain. Oh, it happened to someone else I was told sealing her life sentence. It didn't matter I read in more than one scientific paper on the subject of Diabetes in dogs, that they can live up to 2 years untreated. Of course, untreated will allow the other conditions associated with that disease to progress. Well, who really knows the facts? I listened to my vets, and I went into panic mode. The guilt hit me today when I saw her photo. Did I act to hastily? I knew there are so many grants out there to help people in need for vet bills. I found them. I just needed to fill some out. But my mind was in such a tizzy, I didn't know which way to turn or who to turn too for advice for everyone was saying put her out of her misery. Well, as I reflect, she wasn't in misery. In fact, she showed no signs of Diabetes other than drinking more water. She ate, she vomited a couple times probably because I gave her to much to eat. She had no pain other than the effect of the cold on her arthritis. I know second guessing only beats up my mind and in turn, my body. It makes my legs weak and walk in a slouched position. Her photo's take on a new meaning now. Did I cheat her? I did quickly buy her a steak and made her 'special' dinner. Did I lie to her? Did I trick her? It doesn't matter for what is done is done. I cannot bring her back and did in fact out of curiosity, look at other Australian Cattle dog photos last night. It's strange, that none had that look she had. I guess I was lucky. But, I have to continue on and learn from my actions. Whether they were hasty or not. Believe me, I did not sleep for 36 hours straight when the vet said, she MAY have Diabetes. She MAY have kidney failure. All the maybe's put me in a panic mode. Those nights I cried for I just didn't know what to do as she came and laid by me to comfort me. I did learn sadly, at her expense, not to just jump at the first signs of an issue and listening to others over my own judgement. Second guessing does not help at all. It will be awhile for me to move to the next step in grieving for my other dog has been affected by Bambaloo's disappearance. I cannot beat myself up over this and will move into the next level of acceptance. But in just a flicker of a candle's flame, I can be right back into anger mode. Oh well, it is another challenge to face in life.

Bambaloo was diagnosed with Diabetes and the beginning of Ketoacidosis. She was not in pain, but lost the energy she once had just a few months earlier. Time is no ones friend. Winter is the time of cold, numbness, and death for the frail and elderly. Bambaloo was 14. She went from a vibrant, happy dog, to a happy dog being lethargic and arthritis leaving her pretty much with no desire to move when temps hit below 15 degrees. I have not cried yet. I don't know if I will be able too. I do know I miss her antics and rituals of waiting by the door for me when I came home, putting her face up to me when I got back in the car so I could console her to let her know I was not leaving her, having the ability to know when I was depressed (she is an Emotional Support Animal), and most magically...how she followed me around as my shadow. We connected as a pair. We both were abused growing up. We were each others savior and protector. I look for her as I walk with Bailey. But now, I walk with her spirit next to me and in me. Physically, she is no longer ever able to be here. I do and will miss her deeply. Bailey (Emotional Support Animal) watched the entire process from the bed. She saw her best friend's life being taken. She didn't understand why Bambaloo went to sleep and did not wake up to play with. I can see her in mourning. She has distanced herself from me. Neither of us will forget Bambaloo. I hope Bailey can forgive me. Please enjoy the photos of some of the wonderful moments Bambaloo had with her Poppy and Bailey. For 5 years I did everything possible to help her forget the previous 9 years of abuse. She is/was truly a happy dog. Unbelievable. 20180515_085055.mp4

PAW PRINTS IN THE SAND David Lasaine 2017 When you were alone, I was there. When the sun or set, I was there. We shared many wonderful memories, you and me. We laughed and played together. When you were sad, I was there. When you cried, I tasted your tears. When you faced death, I was there. When the darkest of times happened, I was there. When you slept...I protected you. When you shivered...I was your warmth. I asked not for much: a belly rub, my side and chin scratched. To be walked a few times a day. I put my life in your hands to care for me, to feed me...to love me. I served you with unconditional love and faithfully during my life. I know you suffer but as always you think of my well-being first. Thank you. I know you love me unconditionally. I will not be gone from you…ever. When we meet in the Spiritual World, we will play again and again. I know you will not forget me. I will be patiently waiting for you, and when it is Bailey’s time, we will be with Mitzy. We will become one in spirit forever when you arrive. Write the books about us. Don’t give up. Honor us to help others. Eternally Yours, Your Faithful Companion, Bambaloo McWigglybutt Lasaine Happy Life with Poppy 12/3/17 - 2/3/23