batteredsoul

Derek, It has only been a little less than nine months for me since my lovely wife died. I have also had good times and bad in those nine months. I am glad you are finding strength in your life right now and hope it continues, but don't be discouraged if you experience some sorrow again. Just remember every positive in life requires a negative or we wouldn't know the good in life from the bad. Without sorrow we wouldn't know what joy feels like and vice versa. I was told many years ago that if I didn't go through a bad marriage before my angel came into my life, I wouldn't have known what a good marriage was. When I'm going through a bad time I realize it's only going to be temporary because I will make it so. May you find your life getting better every day. Rick

I have been as short sighted as anyone else in failing to let my dear loving wife know what she truly meant to me. Because of that, I write this letter to her as a tribute. Dear Brenda, On May 8, 1990 we met by our own destiny to make something very special to the both of us. There was an immediate attraction not only physically, but spiritually as well. We were like two pieces of a puzzle that were meant to be joined together. I asked God at that time to bless me with a gift that for 35 years I hadn’t had – the perfect help mate. I am a firm believer that we only get that gift once in a lifetime and I was given mine. I cherished every second of our short time together. Every smile, gentle touch of your hand, sparkle in your eyes, and tear will forever be burned into my memory. You touched parts of my heart that no one else ever could or will again. For that, I thank you. You gave me something that very few people in this life may never have, a burning love that lasts into eternity. You gave me a life that even in tough times, was an absolute joy. With you at my side I knew I could do anything because I was doing it for us. You made me into a faithful, decent, and honest man that I grew to be proud of. I never told you, but I was asked many times what had changed me(in a good way). That change was brought about by you. I am so sorry that I didn’t tell you how you much of a positive affect that you had on me – most men are not good with words. I give my parents the credit for making me, but you were responsible for my good qualities to shine in this life. For that, I thank you. For the few times we argued, the times I should helped you more, the missing opportunities of holding your hand or holding you in my arms, the silence while watching television or driving somewhere, and not calling you more often from work – PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!! For the most part, I kept my promises to you and gave you the best life I could. I honored and cherished you in sickness and in health just as I promised in our wedding vows. I made you my entire life and it was a beautiful life indeed. The many roses I gave you were not enough. We made many more happy memories than sad ones. For that I thank you. Even though I still have issues with God taking you, I understand that he takes the weak ones into his care and leaves the stronger ones to deal with this life on earth. It does require a strong body and soul to face the difficulties that life tends to through at you and he knows who can handle it and who can’t. I took care of you that last four years in your painful sickness without any misgiving or regret. It was my honor to do what I could for you and I wish I could relive those last years over and over again, but I know it wasn’t to be. For every day that I had you for sixteen years, I am thankful and feel blessed until my life here is gone. If I were given the chance to live the same life with you over again I would gladly do so. I lost you on May 17, 2006 after sharing over sixteen years of heaven on earth. I look forward to seeing you again in a much better place than I am today. I have and always will LOVE YOU. From your one and only, Rose Bandit (PS: For anyone that reads this and still has that special someone living in their life – go straight in to them right now and along with showing them how you feel tell them how much they mean to you. I’ll never regret getting up every morning and going to bed every evening of my married life kissing my wife and telling her I Love her. The only regret I have is not telling her how many ways she made my life special.)

Jeff, I think everyone reacts differently when it comes to personal belongings. I've had family members keep everything for many months and some that wanted the belongings out immediately to try and avoid the pain of seeing them daily when they lost loved ones. I lost my wife going on nine months ago. My first desire was to leave everything just the way she left it, but it wasn't a healthy outlook. I didn't want to create a shrine never to be touched. My wife also had family that desired something close and personal to help them through the grief. I elected to keep many of the more personal things for a couple of months until the initial shock was over with then I would have time to sort through them. Everything else(clothes and things that family and friends had given my wife) I let family and friends go through and let me know what they would like. I wasn't the only one that loved my wife and lost her. Friends and family had a piece of their heart carved away too. The material things didn't make up my wife. Special things that I had given her I kept and a few things that I knew brought her much joy. The rest I wanted to share with the people that meant so much to her. I would say do what makes you feel the most comfortable. There are no set rules or guidelines we use in dealing with the loss of our loved ones. It's whatever makes us deal with it in the easiest way. I looked at it this way, when giving something of my wife's away and I see it at a friend or family's it makes me feel as though she is still there wherever I go. It also is what my wife believed in - share what you have in life because it's not what material things you have that makes you special. What makes you special is what's inside your heart. My wife had a heart the whole world would have loved. It's a shame more people didn't know her. Do whatever makes you feel best!!!! Rick

Jane, Remember - there is nothing wrong with feeling envy. As a married couple you actually became one body and soul. You still fit in with the same friends. They were as much your friends as they were Rick's. You will eventually move on with your life sharing it with someone else(if you are a kind and loving person). Until then, lean on these friends for moral support. You will never replace Rick with someone else. Rick will always be a part of your life, but that doesn't mean that you won't care for someone else ever again. God did not mean for any of us to be alone. That is why he created a help mate to share life with. Companionship is the most important thing you will need in life to share the good times as well as bad. It is what makes us whole and gives our lives meaning. You may never find another man like Rick, but who's to say that's a bad thing? There are many good men out there, but none of us is exactly the same. The important thing is that you find someone who makes you feel complete! I'm truly convinced that if you are a good person - you will be rewarded thoughout life time and time again. I get my strength from years ago when my grandmother reminded me of the trials that Job went through in the Bible(I am not religious by nature). If you feel as though everything has been taken away from you but keep your faith that there is good reason behind it - you will be given more than you had before. Without faith we are no more than animals walking through this life. I miss my Brenda, but I cherish what she made me - a good and honorable man who still loves life as much as she did. I will honor her death by sharing what she taught me about making the best with what you are given. I will wake up tomorrow as I have since last May with a reason to smile - I have one more day to make a difference in someone else's life. If I have helped you understand a little better or lightened your load - then let me thank you for giving me a reason to smile today. Rick

Jane, I too lost my special someone last May. She was my entire life and no one will ever compare to her. As far as going to the lake home, we spent many summers at Daytona Beach and as a tribute to my angel, I took a trip there two months after her death. I thought it would kill me to spend time in the same places that we shared over the years, but I found it to have a healing effect. Reliving past memories and visualizing the smiles that it brought to her face made me feel that even though we had a short sixteen years, we lived it to the fullest. The last four and a half years with cancer killing her made us even more aware that time should not be taken for granted. Remember that anywhere you share those good memories is worthwhile visiting again. My wife and I discussed what we would do if something happened to either one of us and made a promise to each other that we would not left grief take control of our lives. Our relationship was much more valuable than that! Ask yourself if you would want Rick to shut himself away from the world if you had been the one to pass away and I know you would say positively no!!! Relish in the good memories and enjoy your life to the fulliest if you want to show how much he really meant to you. You will still cry at times and loneliness will still hit you once in awhile, but if you truly loved that man, visit that lake home once in a while and take friends along. I started socializing after six months for companionship and found I am still the vibrant and fun person that my angel married many years ago. I have beautiful children and grandchildren that need me as much now as they ever did and life can still have special meaning. If you try hard enough, you can still manage to find a reason to smile every day that you wake up. Just remember, many people go through their entire life without finding a special person to love. We that have experienced that special someone have already been blessed and, as short as life is, will see them again someday. Hope this helps to ease your pain. Rick