I'm having trouble figuring out how to navigate this reply button - well, thanks for your response, Paul. I wish I had found this kind of forum much earlier than this. I would have really benefitted from this. I still take everything one day at a time, as my life certainly has lots of ups and downs -and dealing with grief sort of slows down my normal responses to life sometimes. I have a feeling that whatever used to be normal has changed for me - like what I call grief is like going through a passage somewhere inside me, or a door that I walked through into some alien unknown territory and I'm never quite sure which way to turn. I know that the pain doesn't hurt quite so much any more. I cried a river of tears already. Mostly I still wonder why I am left behind - there's a part of me that still asks "why?" I read somewhere that a mother is always a vital part of her children in some way, even after she is gone. I remember my Mom telling me not to try to hold on to her after she was gone, but to be brave enough to let her go on to wherever she goes. My courage wavers but I think I'm still processing - and somewhere down deep inside me I feel something new stirring - I hope I give birth to it soon. Thanks, Deborah