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lindsey1984

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About lindsey1984

  • Birthday 07/07/1984

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  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    hospice, tampa,fl

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  1. I started dating my boyfriend when my mom was first diagnosed a lil over a year ago. He has been here through it all and today he tells me that I am a negative person and he can't deal with it and the only reason he stayed with me for this long was because he knew I needed him.and felt bad for me. so he ended our relationship. I feel so angry he doesnt know how it feels to lose ur mom and what I am going through, sorry I can't be happy and positive all the time. It feels like I keep pushing everyone away. I feel so alone he was my main support ( but I'm too negative) what is that suppost to mean? and why am I getting so upset? I feel so angry all of the time and don't know why.
  2. My body feels so over worked,I feel so tired but when I do sleep @ nite I toss and turn and wake up alot it's like I'm getting no sleep. Oh and not to mention how everything hurts ( headaches,backaches,stomaches ) it just goes on ... I still can barely eat I've lost 6 pounds! people probally think I have a eating disorder but I don't. it's just no appeite. I use to love to eat but now I could care less. The dizziness hits me out of no where, my chest pain scares me cause back in dec I thought I was having a heart attack or something and ended up in the E.R with horrible chest pain and my BP 195/100 and pulse was 187 but they said it was probally just stress the ekg showed an irregular heart beat but nothing too serious. Another weird symptom I've been having is burning and numbness in my arms it hurts so bad it wakes me up at night.
  3. I miss my mom! I wish I could pick up the phone and call her just to hear her voice. It's sad I've even tried it, thinking maybe she'll answer but instead all I hear is I am sorry the # u have reached is no longer in service I hate all of this so bad! I just want to wake up from this dream that she had cancer and died. but it's a nightmare and I cant wake up. I am so mad why did my mom have to get CANCER????????? why did it have to be the worst cancer? it's not fair I need my mom! She wasn't a bad person. Her whole life she raised me and my 2 sister's. She worked so hard and did everthing to make us happy. It bothers me because when she was 1st diagnosed she didn't tell us how bad it was. ( she was in one of the bad stages) we sold our old house and she bought a brand new townhome and bought everything new, she was so excited and got us everything we wanted (She would say only the best for my girls) but the point is she knew she wasn't going to live long and she did all of this for us! In the end my grandfather told me that they gave her 2-3 mths to live when they 1st found out. But she did all the chemo and radiation. and was a trooper she fought so hard. The Doctors told us that she was the only patient to live 15mths with that type of cancer. It makes me so proud of her through all this she never quit. She told me we can't choose the hand we are dealt we just have to deal with it. So I guess I am trying to deal with the hand I was dealt. Everyday I miss her more. I miss watching her put on her make-up or seeing her smile, hearing her voice. it's just all the little things. I remember she told me when I was a baby and she would put me to sleep she would constanly check on me cause it looked like I wasn't breathing and til the age of 22 (now) she would still come in my room with a flash light to see if I was ok, I would normally jump out of my skin cause she scared me ( I was sleeping) lol but I miss it and know I'll never see or hear her again Thanks for listening to me it means alot to know someone knows how I feel or what I am going through xoxoxoxo
  4. since my Mom passed I have no appetite, I can barely eat. I keep losing weight, but I try to eat but it's so hard and I don't even know why. Everything aches and I feel so tired and drained emtionally and physically. My mind wonders and I feel like I can never finish complete sentences or I don't make sense. My mind is confused and I'm sometimes like a zombie. I feel like withdrawling my self from everyone cause I feel so sad and depressed and don't want to feel like a burden. I guess I feel like who would want to be around someone who is sad and depressed and will bring down their spirits.
  5. It's been about 2wks since my mom died. Before it happened I thought I would feel relieved because she would no longer be in pain and have no more problems breathing,it killed me to see her like that. It was so unfair, but now that she is gone I feel so empty inside. I feel so SAD! I don't even think the word SAD explains how I feel. I don't want to do anything, getting out of bed in the morning is a project for me and having to go to work is a nightmare,I stopped going to school and now I just want to sleep. I don't even know how I feel half the time. I don't really talk to my dad or sisters about how I feel or what I am going through because they get upset too, and I can't deal with their feelings and mine it's too much so instead I keep everything inside and try to be strong and brave like my mom did when she was alive. It's like wearing a mask around everyone but then when they are gone you can take it off. When my mom was alive and I needed to leave or go somewhere I'd always ask her do you want me to stay, or is it ok if I go out. Then she would tell me go ahead and I would ask her to promise me it's ok and your not upset, and she would give me this look and say I promise. Well she died on a Sun Jan 21st and that following Friday night I had a dream she called me on my cell phone and we talked and she told me I will call you on Monday, and in the dream I asked her to promise, and she said I promise I will call you on Monday. So the rest of the week I got my hopes up and thinking crazy that Mommy is going to call me on Monday I really thought she was like a miracle or something would happened. Monday came around... No call I felt so ( I'm not sure) just really upset and depressed. Now it's like I feel every emotion and everything reminds me of her, I feel so lost without my Mommy I just don't know what to do.
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