missmysister

it's been nearly 3 years now.....the holidays are so hard. i hate them. i want to go to sleep and wake up in february....

Hey guys, how is everyone? I was doing so much better and thought my black cloud had finally passed, but no...no such luck. Yesterday my mama told me about the final medical examiners report that had come in on my sister. She had a large amount of methadone and morphine in her system. I knew about the methadone and thought morphine was a possibility, but for some reason I'd felt better that the initial report did not reveal the morphine. I knew that she died from a drug overdose so why did the bricks fall down on me again? I just got sooo mad at her all over again. I haven't cried in several weeks and last night I just lost it. Had a few yelling spells in there too. Why would I yell at my dead sister? I asked her "WHY???? WHY???? THIS WAS SO UNNECESSARY!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? WHY??????" Unfortunately I got no answers.... Today I'm exhausted and depressed again. My head hurts, my shoulders hurt, I know it's stress. I don't know how we are going to make it through this. Yesterday morning before my mama told me about the report, I'd heard that we could get very severe weather here. I prayed for the first time since my sister passed that God would spare us from going through this. Later, I heard about the deaths in Alabama and thanked God for sparing us from going through this. This morning I'm angry at Him again. I don't understand why people have to die at all. Yes it's the nature of the life cycle, but why young people? My sister was 27. The kids in Alabama were teenagers. The bus accident in Atlanta this morning killed kids as well. If God spares one of us does that mean he has to take SOMEone? ANYone? What do we say after He takes one so young? "Please give me peace?" I've done that. It doesn't come. "Please don't take anyone else from me?" And then He takes someone else from their family? Where is He? Why do we have to hurt this way? Where is the logic in this suffering? Were we that bad of people that we must be punished in this way? My mama told me about a lady on television one day that was at a church service. I forget the channel. And her son was in a bad, bad accident. The doctors told her that he was not going to survive and that she should let them go ahead and take him off life support. Well she prayed about it and God "told me not to give up." So she refused and lo and behold, her son ended up living! Wow! Congratulations. Why didn't God give US that opportunity to save my sister? Why didn't God save those teenagers in the Alabama tornadoes yesterday? Why didn't God save those college kids on that Atlanta bus this morning? God and faith don't make sense to me now. Not that they really ever did, but they truly don't now. I hope someone can offer something up to turn my behavior around. I know that in times of adversity, Job refused to curse God and his situation was somewhat worse than mine....but I'm not Job. I'm a human being confused by life right now. Angry in TN

Thank you all again for your responses. I had a hard few days since my sister's death certificate came in. I guess this is just one more step toward solidifying the fact that she's really, really gone. Dead. Forever. It's hard to believe, still. Marty, I appreciate your guidance on the suicide perspective. I've done some research and I do relate to some of the things I've read. My sister did take an active role in her death, even if it was accidental...and of course we don't know that to be true. Her death certificate did say "drug abuse, Methadone and indeterminate intent." This scares me because I hope that her life insurance through her employer will pay. My mama and daddy had huge expenses for her funeral and I just hope that they'll be able to recoup some of them. Today I am angry. Really angry. At my sister. Today I realize the significance of her lies to us about her "girl's weekend"....Today I realize that for a week before she passed, she talked to me and my mama and our daddy excitedly about her weekend with the girls. I found that even BEFORE that week, she'd ordered the bus tickets for her ex to come see her. Soooo...she had an ELABORATE scheme in place to spend the weekend with this guy while telling us something very different. Today I want to just scream at her and tell her what she's done to us, to me, to my mama. Is that selfish? I really don't have the right to be mad at her because I don't know how she really felt and the things that she was going through to make her want to take drugs again. But today I want to know...HOW COULD SHE TEAR OUR FAMILY APART???? And for what? A "good time?" A "high?" I hope that "high" was soooo great to her because she has totally and completely destroyed us. Thank you guys again for just letting me come here and get my feelings out. I think just hanging out here this short time has made such a tremendous difference in my ability to cope with my feelings and myself. Even my husband has commented about how much better I am....I still don't take it for granted, but day by day. Angry in TN

I'm not sure how to reply to these responses. Can I respond to each one individually or do I have to address everyone as one? Anyway, thank you guys for your kind words...It's strange that since I've posted here and this could be purely coincidental, the anxiety has lightened some. I'm not taking this for granted, but as every hour passes, I can say, "Wow!! My heart has not beat abnormally in the last little while." I think I will read some of the other posts around here...but there is one thing that is really giving me a hard time...something Marty said... We don't really consider my sister as having committed suicide... I guess "technically" yes she did, but I've never heard of an overdose without a note left behind as being ruled suicide. The medical examiner did not rule it as such, so why would we consider it that way? Your words here have brought on a new realm of thoughts for me. And why do you say that it's important to understand this death as a suicide? This perspective is intriguing to me and never crossed my mind until you stated it.... I'm not responding to the suicide thought negatively because I don't think it's that far-fetched. Apparently more was going on with my sister than my mother or I could have EVER imagined for her to do this in the first place...I know that in late November, she called me from work having an anxiety attack. She worked at a hospital and so I told her to go immediately to the emergency room. She did and they gave her...of all things...Klonipin. She abused Xanax heavily in the past....so...this scared me tremendously. On top of these complicated thoughts, I did read the "Am I to Blame" post and while tragic and somewhat similar, I didn't relate totally with the writer. I feel guilty upon other reasons....because I told her to go to the ER and that's where she got the Klonipin. I feel like she overdosed on these as well, though Methadone was the title factor. In some respects, I am the opposite of the writer of "Am I to Blame" because I was part of that family who wanted to blame the ex-significant other. I feel sorry for this girl because she really had nothing to do with her ex's overdose, but at the same time, I have a tremendous amount of sickening hatred for the ex of my sister. Why? Because he took the drugs up there to her. Why? Because if he'd left her alone, she would be alive. Why? Because he didn't die and she did. Why? Because he does nothing but drugs, he doesn't work, he doesn't do ANYthing but DRUGS!!! Was he allowed at her funeral? Absolutely, POSITIVELY not!...Not only because we didn't want to see him but because of what we were afraid we would have done to him had he showed up....I've never felt this way about anyone or anything in my life, and I hope that eventually I'll be able to make peace with my feelings about this guy...but today...not today. Not today. At any rate, I know this is a long post but I desperately need an outlet at this juncture and I truly believe you guys here will be able to help me through this... Sad in TN

Wellll.....I'm here because I don't know where else to go or what else to do. On January 6, 2007 at 130 in the morning, I got the call from my mama who said, "she's gone, she's gone!" Just waking up and not believing the words I was hearing, I dropped to my knees as my heart pounded crazily in my chest.....We buried her 4 days later. My sister died unexpectedly from a drug overdose. She'd been off and on drugs since she was 13, but she was one of those very cool, very intelligent, very functional addicts (did I just call my sister an addict?). She got into some trouble last April and so my mama decided to move her to Michigan to live with other family so she could get clean. And...she DID! She was doing great! Had a great job, was enjoying life, it was all good! We had become close again and talked at least once a week.... Thursday, January 4 she called me and talked to me all the way to work. She sounded good and I was happy to talk to her. She was telling me about this great girl's weekend she had planned with some girls from work..they were going to Ohio to party and see some friends. This was a lie. What she did was got her a hotel room and bussed her ex-boyfriend in (who we'd moved her to Michigan to get away from)....He arrived on Friday, January 5 and she was dead hours later from an overdose of Methadone. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. First couple of weeks were tragic and hard. The second couple I did so much better. Now it's as if I'm reliving this nightmare again. I'm VERY anxious...like for no reason my heart just starts pounding and it scares me. I'm also 13 weeks pregnant... I feel guilty, I feel abandoned, I feel angry that she did this, I feel angry because the people in the cubicle at work next to me are laughing, I'm devastated for my mama because I KNOW she's hurting so badly, I feel so unbelivably sad, I feel heartbroken....I've never had my heart shattered like this. I feel crazy, borderline insane. I don't concentrate on my work anymore which I used to take pride in, I'm late every day, I have no energy, and EVERYTHING reminds me of my sister. I love my husband but can't stand him, I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for the next 6 months. I have a 12 year old and a 2 year old and they seem to keep me distracted some of the time....I know I'm rambling but I can't stop. I'm sooo, soooo, soooo sad. I'm already on Prozac, which helps...but I shouldn't be so anxious... Anyway, I come here because I know you guys have had some experience with this. Am I insane? When will the pain stop...or at least become manageable?.... I miss my sister soooo unbelievably much! I love her, why, why, WHY DID SHE LEAVE US????? WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME??? I'm an ONLY child now!!! Who will be there for me when our parents are ill and eventually pass? Who will I turn to???? I'm simply devastated. Sad in Tennessee