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mermangel0416

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Everything posted by mermangel0416

  1. hello again sally~ so glad to hear that you are feeling more positive. actually your response lifted my spirits and inspired me...guess i was having a pretty bad day when i replied tp you. i still struggle with things but i guess mostly it is just coming to terms with what you can not control or understand. i guess that's what faith is, believing that even if we don't know all of the how's and why's we try to hold on to the fact that there is something greater that we are a part of and there is a purpose and meaning in all that occurs even if we don't see it immediately, if at all. your mother's statement that she couldn't live without hope is quite a profound one and i guess if we had NO HOPE then there would truly be no point in going on. i know that i have hope in my heart and i see that hope reflected back at me in the eyes of my son...and in the fact that i am 14 weeks pregnant with another child. they say that "a baby is god's opinion that life should go on" so i guess in my way, each day i choose to go on, to have hope and in that way i am honoring my dad...who was the wonderful father of six children: what WAS? IS and always will be. hope you continue to "have hope" and keep in touch, i have a feeling the holidays will be a hurdle! take care ~alice
  2. dear sally~ my heart ached as i read your post. my father's death (6 months ago at the age of 72) from colon cancer was the worst experience of my life, and my first time witnessing death. i agree with hans that we are led to believe by movies and literature that the death of someone we love dearly will be marked by a cathartic experience or the legacy of profound last words. neither were the case for me. i was so utterly unprepared for the awkwardness and ugliness of death. my family sat by his (hospice) bedside for 12 days...his wife, six children, spouses and grandchildren. i said everything i could think of to tell him how i loved him...we have always been a demonstrative and loving family so there were no unspoken words, no unfinished business, but he was incoherent and barely concsious. we were there nealry around the clock...yet he died alone...minutes after one my 2nd oldest brother left. what little faith i had left (after watching him suffer and struggle with pain, degradation and deterioration for a year) was shattered. i still am unable to make any sense out of it spiritually. i had my first baby in 2002 and felt that it confirmed the existence of a higher power for me...4 weeks later dad was diagnosed with inoperable stage four cancer. i collapsed on the floor of the hospice "quiet" room sobbing "there is no god...there is no god..." little more than a year later. i am choking back tears just thinking about it. all of his suffering can't have been for nothing...but what meaning can be taken from it? and what good god would have chosen such a sweet, decent, gentle and good man to suffer in this way in the first place? and i keep asking myself (the logical over~thinking self) whre is he now? oh, sally. i didn't mean to make this about me, but i wanted you to know i have been struggling with the same questions and emotions. if you want to "talk" i am here...alice
  3. i know what you mean about wanting to believe it didn't happen. it's been six months...it's amazing how your mind can work. you know what happened in reality but there is part of your heart that somehow really BELIEVES you will see him, that this is just a temporary situation. every time i go to my parents house i honestly expect him to come walking down the stairs. it's like the concious part of your brain grasps the concept that he is gone but there is some parallel universe where you can still reach him. that is the hardest part for me. the permanence of the loss. i have dreamt of my dad too. i believe it is their way of telling us to go on, that they are okay, that they know we love them and they love and are protecting us. he is still there...and will be in all those times when you need him most. talk to him. if you need to talk i am here too.
  4. hi~ i am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father. my dad died on june 9, 2003. he was 72. i really am not sure which is worse, to lose someone so suddenly (and not get to say goodbye) or to have to watch them suffer, deteriorate and die (and try to figure out how to say goodbye and being utterly unable to find the words). my mom's father died on the kitchen floor from a heart attack also (when she was 26) she has never gotten over it yet at the same time she thanks god every day that she didn't have to watch him suffer. i guess no matter how or when it happens we always wish we had more time. i am so sorry he won't be there for you. life has so many strange twists and turns and mixed blessings...i gave birth to my first child in april of 2002, my dad saw him within an hour of his birth. it was amazing. 4 weeks later he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer during exploratory surgery...they just sewed him back up. in july he walked my sister down the aisle (she moved her wedding up 4 months just in case). he died before their first anniversary. then just two weeks after his death my brother's wife had a baby. now i am pregnant with my second child who is due on june 8, 2004, almost a year to the day that i lost my daddy. these wonderful events will always be touched with a shadow of sadness and loss. of knowing that life will never be the same. i am so sorry that this cold harsh reality has to be yours at such a young age...i am 34 and this is the WORST thing that has ever happened to me. if you need someoen to "talk" to i am here. i don't think that the broken heart ever mends, sweetie. it just becomes a constant ache that you have to learn to live with. i am thinking about you. ~alice
  5. hi kim~ i haven't checked in in a while, but i read your story and felt a need to reply. my dad died on june 9, 2003, after battling colon cancer for over a year. he was 72. he and my mom "celebrated" their 47th anniversary while he lay dying. i am experiencing much of what you are feeling. the most difficult aspect for me has been trying to let go of the images of the suffering, pain and degradation of a wonderful, caring and very private man. i will be fine for a few days and then suddenly, i see him in those last days and i truly cannot believe that it was what he was reduced to and i sat there helplessly watching. i understand your anger with the way his hospice treatment was handled. many in the medical profession lack the compassion or understandng to realize that this is NOT an every day occurrence for most of the families they are dealing with and they fail to explain the prcoedures in enough detail for us to gain full knowledge of what is and will be happening. in our case, hospice was wonderful. my dad was actually in a VITAS Hospice facility for nine days after we had him trasferred from a hospital where we had to hunt down nurses to administer his pain and anti~anxiety meds for three days. our greatest disappointment was with my dad's oncologist. she came to see me and my mom in the emergency room the day he was brought in (for the umpteenth time in the last year) she actually waved her hand dismissively at him when he was trying to speak and told us she'd have him admitted and check back on him. HOURS later he was still in the ER when a kindly nurse finally told my mom the truth that there was little else they could do for him, he was dying. they were going to let him die in the ER!!! the family demanded to have him placed in a privare room. the next morning the SAME dr. said "i can't believe he made it through the night." to my mother. she didn't have the courage or decency to look her in the face the day befoer and tell her the truth and what to expect, she left it to an ER nurse. we still were very unaware of the stages he was going through, the tearing at his clothes and sheets, pulling on our arms to get up, staring, pointing at unseen visions...all of it agonizig to witness because we had no idea it was NORMAL! i cannot tell you how that still haunts me. i guess i am writing to say that nearly six months later i am still crying, in my car, when i rock my baby to sleep, when i go to visit my mother and see that empty chair at the table, the unused side of the bed... i try to write as much as i can, to get it out. i try to talk to whomever will listen, i come here when i can. i have also attended a bereavement group sponsored by the hospice which has been somewhat helpful. have you addressed your anger at the hospice, either by directly contacting them regarding the lack of information provided and the lack of compassion of the nurse? even if you just wrote an "anger" letter to get the feelings out it may help, you may even find you are able to send it. i have written a rough draft to the dr. but haven't been able to bring myself to go back to it yet. i am still to enraged. i hope you are able to find some peace. i still struggle every day. mostly with just missing a very special person. if will check back to see how you are. take good care of yourself and your mom. ~alice
  6. am i meant to forget your face in the last hours of your life? forgive me i kissed your hand because i could not bear your frightened eyes again august 2003 alice beavers dake my heart is still broken, daddy
  7. hello again, jenn~ i didn't know whether you were implying your mother is ill? i certainly hope not! yes, my mom is still alive (thankfully.) i am 34 and this is really my first experience with death. i have only had two others close to me die (an aunt and great aunt) but i didn't witness it first hand. i was so unprepared for the awkwardness and ugliness of it. i know that sounds terrible, but it's just such a difficult thing to watch. my dad was (ugh, i had that word...it's so past tense) an incredibly healthy, handsome man for 71 years and then everything changed. i'll spare you the details (you are already too familiar with them i am sure.) the hospital~ the staff was okay, it just seemed we constantly had to be running to get a nurse to administer pain or anti~anxiety meds. (not moprphine, it wasn't even mentioned. btw, the cancer was in his spine and hip~bones by this time.) as soon as they would begin to wear off he would start that awful reaching and pulling and groaning. it was unbearable. another thing...no one told us these were the normal stages of death!!! can you believe that? we thought he was going through his own personal hell (ok, he was, but we didn't have any idea what to expect...knowing might have made us feel a bit less horrified and haunted!) finally i stormed into the care management office and arranged to have them contact hospice b/c we had had enough. he (and we) needed to be in a more home~like environment where he would be truly cared for and not poked and prodded every two hours. hospice was about as good as it can be. funny though, my oldest and dearest friend's dad died in early august in the same room in the same bed by the window. (cancer.) if you ever need to "talk" just drop me a line. it doesn't make me feel good to know you have had a similar experience, but it makes me feel good to know we can help each other through it. ~alice
  8. hi jenn~ i don't have any real answers for you...my father died june 9 of this year. metastatic colon cancer. we don't really know what "did" it either. by the time he was in hospice there was so mcuh wrong with him it could have been lungs, heart, kidneys, liver... any number of organs that were affected either directly by the cancer or indirectly through the treatments. we will never know. i know the fear that your father faced and the fight to live and how hard it is to witness. my question for you is this: what will the "answers" get you? you know your father would have died, regardless of what the exact medical reasoning is. you know that once a "body" goes beyond a certain point ther is no return to normalcy, they don't get better. if your father was on life support it was only prolonging the inevitable. you must stop torturing yourselves with this. would he have wanted to linger in a state of "not" living? this man to whom, each day was like gold? jenn, you FREED him...you cut the ties that BOUND him to the earth. you loved him enough to end his suffering, you were selfless enough to let him go. my dad was diagnosed in may of last year... and it was a heartbreakingly beautiful difficult hellish year... he finally was taken to the ER after his third kidney stint replacement. he had had a nightmarish night and was really out of it, vitals were completely screwed up... i am still angry as hell at my dad's doctor b/c the night he was admitted to the hospital for the last time SHE KNEW he was dying and she didn't possess the decency or prefessionalism to tell him or my mother. and i stood there NOT KNOWING and exchanging pleasantries with her. "we'll get him into a room and see what happens." hours later still in ER...they weren't even going to admit him, they were going to let him die in that garishly lit room seperated from the rush and noise by a single curtain...(the family insisted he be put in a room after a nurse was kind enough to tell us what was really happening) those were his last hours of consciousness and coherence. the next morning miss oncologist says "i can't believe he made it through the night..." jenn, he lived ELEVEN more days like that. the WORST eleven days of my entire life. we moved him to hospice (the hospital was NOT administering his pain relief adequately) and if i could have spared him one hour, one minute of his suffering...i swear i would have done it. i know your pain, the anquish and the images you can't shake. but having the details won't bring him back and they won't change anything. you and your brother made the best decision possible based on the information available at the time...that is all you can do in life. you know your father wouldn't want you to be agonizing over this, using your time, effort and energy by reliving such a difficult time. he wants you to enjoy life and take pleasure in it as he did. let his legacy live on in you. take care of yourself. ~alice
  9. hello carol~i cannot offer much in the way of comfort or solace. i do know that i have similar experiences...just when i think my life has made a turn toward normalcy, the image of my father in his last days (the one i have been trying to forget for 46 days now), the face of fear, of confusion, of suffering, comes back to me and it is as if it is happeing all over again. some mornings i still wake up and for a few moments i forget... i don't know if it gets easier...but i do know that life goes on. and it's ok to smile or enjoy a sunset or the blue sky or the beauty in a long ago memory of days before your heart was broken. you are in my thoughts. ~alice
  10. hello, bev. i don't really know where to begin to try to help you...you have already dealt with so much. or at least you lived through it...i guess the real problem (from what you've described) is that you HAVEN'T actually dealt with these many losses. by doing so much and being there for so many others, you created a busy and constructive distraction from your suffering. i am sure you were doing these things out of the goodness of your heart (and it seems you have a very big one) but in the meantime focusing your energies outward delayed your processing of the pain of your loss. have you looked into some sort of counseling? you will hear over and over again that there is no time table for grief...maybe you have put off dealing with the reality of your grief until you were strong enough to handle it, maybe that time is now? my situation is much different as i am 34 and this is my first real experience of death. my dad died on june 9, 2003 after a 13 month battle with stage 4 inoperable colon cancer. i certainly haven't had the emotional stress and strain that you have, but you do have my sympathy and my prayers and hopes that you will find your way through this dark period. possibly a call to a bereavement and loss center would be a good place to begin your journey back...in the meantime, keep posting. i am thinking of you. ~alice
  11. hi michelle...i am trying to fight back tears as i type this. thank you for taking the time (and emotional energy) to respond to me. words cannot describe how my heart aches when i read of your loss (and that of little gabriel's mother). believe me, my most precious moments of clarity and understanding are those spent with my son, whether it be when he is sleeping or smiling. i didn't need my father's death to teach me the lesson of truly appreciating life, however i did need my son to help me through this time. my husband's mother died b/4 our wedding and he believes that she sent our baby to us to help us through my father's illness and death. (he was diagnosed when my son was 4 weeks old). as i write this i cannot imagine your suffering. again, it's every mother's worst nightmare. there are truly no words to make things better or easier. i guess that all any of us can do is be "here" for each other. it is a comfort to think that those we love share in some heavenly experience together and possibly may ease one another as we do??? i like the thought of you and i making this connection and somehow in heaven my father and julianna have found one another and are observing this. (when you are up to it i would recommend the book "the lovely bones" by alice sebold. it may seem at first a strange book to recommend, but the concept of heaven and the limitless possibilities of the afterlife are consoling!) i would like to add that my son's middle name is julian, so i will say a little prayer FOR sweet julianna tonight and one TO julianna to watch over my sweet alexander julian. i will also say a prayer for you. i hope you find peace and comfort and happiness and joy in your life and in your future with your husband. thank you for your kindness and caring, i am thinking of you. ~alice
  12. hi carol~ i am with you. the first day i walked into my dad's room in hospice i was stunned, i staggered out into the family "quiet room" and collapsed on the floor sobbing "there is no god" over and over, much to my mother's dismay. i wish that i could make some spiritual sense out of this, but in all my years i have found little in the way of real "help" in organized religion. may i suggest a book? "life lessons" by elisabeth kubler ross (and another author whose name escapes me, i lent the book to my mom ). there are some real pearls of wisdom in there (non~denominational reality based faith in LIFE and DEATH and our ability to continue on...) that might be of some comfort to you. keep in touch ~alice
  13. wendy~ sorry i am replying so late, but i was away. i cannot begin to imagine your suffering. you have experienced every mother's worst nightmare...my heart aches for you. i have a baby boy (15 months) and although my grief is different (my father died on june 9 after a long~suffering, dignity robbing battle with colon cancer) i know how you feel in terms of not wanting to take your child for granted, in wanting to feel joy again. but it is still so soon, and you have suffered an indescribable loss, you have had a life stolen from you, all the years of promise that you dreamt of...you really need to give yourself some time, and a break. you are being very hard on yourself. and those around you must understand that there is no time frame for grief. i am sure that on some level you must be angry, i am p*d as all hell that my dad is gone, but he lived 72 happy years on this earth. if it was my child i'd be screaming at strangers! hopefully you and your husband are working through things TOGETHER. the death of a child can be very straining on a marriage, be sure to keep the lines of communication open. and no matter how many times you need to say "i'm sorry" SAY IT, it's better than both of you pretending that this is "normal"...everything has changed for you, don't expect to be "yourself" just yet and don't let anyone else demand it of you...this will take time, and we're all in it together...alice
  14. hospice how many days can you sit by his bedside and weep? then talk to one another about inconsequential things, such as who sent flowers or fruit order take out or pick up fast food watch day~time tv while trying to keep the baby busy and quiet and the undertaker comes one, two, three, four times ...in a week and they close the doors to shield the families from the inevitable reality we wait for death for the last breath for relief, release, peace. please. still struggling, but smiling, daddy...trying to make you proud. alice beavers dake
  15. hi lil' viper... been wondering how you are. i felt like EVERYTHING was different from the moment i learned my dad had cancer (diagnosed may 16, 2002). it changed my whole life. from that point on, every thought i had was shadowed by his illness and by his ultimate death. i couldn't even have happy childhood memories without that feeling that twists your guts into knots...b/c i had to deal with the reality that not only are those days gone, but soon he would be too. i think your dad went suddenly? as difficult as it is to deal with watching a prolonged and suffering death, it has to be devastating when someone is taken so quickly. you don't have the opportunity to accustom yourself mentally and spititually to the idea. both of my mother's parents died very suddenly (heart problems) and although she says she never really "got over the shock", she says all the time that it was a blessing...the she never could have watched them die as we watched our father. i can't say which is worse, we don't get to choose. i guess i was lucky, in some ways, to have the chance to say good bye, to have the last year and treasure it...but saying that good bye was the hardest thing i've ever done. life will NEVER be the same for us, because something at the core of it has been altered. i know he is still "here" (i have dreamt of him twice) but i just miss him, his physical presence, his smile, his voice. and every day i discover some new way that life has changed. we are going to the beach for a week in 10 days and i know it will be very difficult for me. my dad loved the ocean...so i will never experience it again without a twinge of sadness, yet at the same time, it will be a comfort and i know i will feel him there with me. we cannot expect life to be the same, yet it must go on. you are supposed to be feeling as you do, whatever it might be on a given day. there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is (unfortunately) no time table. have you tried rerading any books on grief and loss? maybe to gain more of an understanding of the stages? possibly you wouldn't feel so "crazy" if you could see how normal all of these emotions are. i am looking for help wherever i can get it!!! take good care of yourself. write whenever you want, i check in at least twice a day...i am thinking of you.
  16. hi george~ been wondering how you are...i was wondering how you and your wife have been dealing with the grief? do you find that you both feel differently? she seemed angry ("how dare she") which i guess is quite common, i would feel the same way. you seem heartbroken and guilt ridden (also very expected). have you been trying to work through this together? how do you interpret your daughter's art work? does it give you any comfort? well, i am thinking about you.
  17. why not? we can and should help whenever we have some words of kindness or constructive advice for anyone who is suffering from loss.
  18. makes me cry...every time, i am just so glad i was able to read it to him before he passed. there is something exquisitely special about the relationship of father and daughter. you and i are on two different ends of it, george, and yet our suffering is the same...
  19. my father afloat beyond the breakers he is a head and two feet my hero on the high seas fearless (as he made me) to splash and swim and dive in deep and rise up gasping for LIFE for JOY every breath my roller coasting partner (while the others await in safety below) and we SCREAM so ALIVE and riding high upon shoulders through the city (was it Thanksgiving or New Year's Day?) another parade for my mental scrapbook of one hundred playgrounds carnivals skating rinks swimming pools bicycle rides boardwalk nights Sunday morning french toast feasts followed by dancing in the dining room (where are those records now?) he cast no enchantments this was ordinary MAGIC LOVE made real for you, daddy, i would gladly, go to the well in order to earn the honor of walking in your wingtips. for eugene c. beavers feb 12 1930~june 9 2003 by alice beavers dake
  20. hi georgek~ i know by now that there is nothing that anyone can say or do "make " you feel better or to bring you the peace that you need. all i can say is that my heart aches for you and your child. i have had two experiences with suicide in my life, both were devastatingly painful to all those involved (friends, not family). now, having a child of my own, i can only ponder the agony that this has brought to you and i pray that you will be able to stop the cycle of torment, all the "what if's" that you wonder about . there is nothing you could have done~ we can only do what we can with the knowledge we possess in the circumstances given in that space and time. please forgive yourself for not knowing what you couldn't possibly have known. and keep praying. and BELIEVE that she has that second chance, george. her pain in this life has earned her a special place in the enormous expanse that is the universe, whether spiritual or physical...and TALK to her, she will hear you and help to ease your suffering. i am thinking of you...
  21. hi lil' viper...i have been doing ok. trying to make sense of things, rely on the strength and support offered. my brother's wife had a baby boy today, 15 days after my father's death and while it was bittersweet, it was such a joyful event. and such a GOOD reason to go to the hospital for a change! and now there is another male to carry on my dad's name. i too have moments where i need to remind myself he is gone...at the luncheon after his funeral we were all seated around the table and i was actually going to say "where is daddy going to sit?" and i had to stop myself. that is the hardest part, no matter how he died, whether suddenly or after a lengthy illness...i just MISS him so much and the times when my family is together it still seems like he will be there...and i guess he is, but it doesn't stop me from wishing to see his sweet face and sincere smile. i still wake up and it's like it's happened all over again. take care of yourself, i am thinking of you...
  22. just checking in here and it seems i missed a bit. i understand your well~placed fears of medication, lil' viper. and i agree wholeheartedly with jenn that you seem like someone who recognizes where you are and where you want to be...and every day (whether an "up" or a "down" on that roller coaster) is a step that YOU need to take on your journey toward healing. in my "search" i happened upon this message board, but also have been reading anything/everything i can about grief/death and dying (elisabeth kubler ross is a good writer to start with) checking into what bereavement services are offered ..if you are religiously affiliated, try starting there. i am not so, that isn't an option...although i am always looking. (keep waiting for the perfect answers to all my questions). i definitely feel that "talking" things through with like minded (and struggling) souls will be most beneficial for me. and if that's what gets me through each day...that is enough. thinking about you...all. take care.
  23. hello to jenn and lil viper...thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful responses. while i am not necessarily "happy" that there are others out there who have and are suffering as i am, i does help to know that i am not alone in my "quest" for peace and understanding. both of your replies were comforting to me and reaffirm my instincts: about being where i felt i needed to be, with my dad. i was also very moved by your thoughts regarding pain, jenn. i related it to the birth of my son, everyone asks how bad it was...and i DO recall the pain and yet it had a purpose. i was in hard labor for 11 hours before i even took pain meds and i would do it all again (and hope toin the future). i know it was hard for my husband and those of my family who visited during that time, but i understand why they needed to share that with me and be there. i do believe that my father is in a better place (i envision it as hawaii, a place he always wanted to go...) and he has cast off his thin, frail body and is free and floating out in the waves and the pain was just a passage to this new wondeful paradise. i will try to hold on to that image of him. is it just me or are the nights the hardest? i am good all day, dealing with the REAL~ity of everything. then the baby is in bed and my thoughts and feelings turn to the still present aching in my heart. i can only imagine how much more intensely my mother feels that ache. lil viper, how are you? still sleeping? made a dr appointment yet? i want to thank you both again for being a source of support and strength i know i will need to lean on in the days to come.
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