ellejaye

Chrissy, I hope you are doing better today. I know I am new here, but your post really hit home with me. I live near Pittsburgh, and we were hammered with about a foot of snow for Valentine's Day in that bad storm that passed through PA. I went out to find that not only had the township maintenance guys plowed all of the snow into my front yard and over my sidewalk, they blocked in my vehicle and mailbox as well with about 3 feet of snow. I was so mad and sad and frustrated about it that I just sat in a big pile of the snow along the road and cried. I was upset that I would be shoveling INSTEAD of getting a Valentine this year, I was mad that I had to do it by myself, and I was upset that Jan would have totally come up with a better, easier, funny way to get all of that dumb snow out of there -- he would have jumped right in to help and NEVER would have left me to do it alone. He was so corny, just like McGyver and would have come up with some loony way of helping and made it FUN. When I thought of that it made me sad, because I just wanted to know how HE would have handled it. I felt really weak and pathetic too, because I was really mad at myself for the fact that I just sat right out on the street and bawled for all of my neighbors to see. UGH. I hate times like that. I think that it didn't really help that I saw the florist making 2 flower deliveries on my street, and neither one was for me. I am sorry you had a yucky day. I just hope you are doing better now and have found a little cheer. HUGS!!!

I don't even know where to start. It seems really hard to condense all of my thoughts into a few simple paragraphs on a computer screen. But I suppose I should begin where things ended, which was May 16th of 2006, the day my husband-to-be left this world. With no warning, no prior symptoms, no indication to anyone whatsoever, he died of major arterial blockage in his heart. He had just turned 35. Two weeks later our baby was born, a little boy looking every bit like his daddy. So here I am, 9 months and one day later, and I have somehow lost my ability to keep up the "tough girl facade"... for some reason, everything is starting to catch up to me, and I can do nothing but cry lately. I just turned 32 less than a month ago... I feel too young to be having this "conversation". And I don't know where to go from here. I thought I was doing really well and being really strong. I tried to be brave and calm when he died, because I was in the final weeks of a very difficult, high-risk pregnancy. I didn't want our baby to die too, so I just pushed everything down into the deep recesses of myself somehow and tried to make it to my due date without incident. Once the baby came, it was pretty easy to keep busy. I also have a 7-year-old son as well, so finding something to occupy my time and mind was not really a problem. Plus, I didn't want to upset my kids or any of the other grieving family members... I just tried to be one less problem and "tear-starter", I guess. Mostly, I really thought it would be a disgrace to his memory and what he would have wanted for me if I had fallen apart or lost strength. He used to always say, "Eyes forward, full steam ahead" when he talked about work or getting things done around the house -- I just had that notion in my head and felt like I would be letting him down if I didn't go forth and live my life that way. So that's what I did. I just put the blinders on and started running at life head on. Well, its not working so well now... I think I am running out of my usual toughness. To say that I miss him is an understatement. I think I am just plain LOST now. I think he would be proud of our kids and the way we have gotten by so far, but nothing is the same. I used to laugh all the time... I mean REALLY LAUGH at things. I don't really laugh much anymore. I used to have faith in the things I learned in church and Sunday School... that is pretty much questionable to me now, at best. I used to feel safe and secure and sure of myself... now I second-guess everything and feel afraid all of the time and find it really hard to trust myself and others. Most of all, I miss my buddy. I am so lonely, but specifically lonely for HIM. He was one of those all-around great guys whom EVERYBODY liked and looked up to. I especially looked up to him and admired him a lot. He made me better than what I really am. He didn't care about the bad and annoying things about me -- he was really proud of me, proud to be with me, and loved all parts of me, not just the good things. He more-than-willingly took on the father role to my older son, and they were very close. It has been a terrible loss for him too. I don't really have to explain, because anyone who has lost someone knows what I am saying. Everyone is special and unique, whether they are still here or sadly gone. I just don't know how to feel now. I don't know if I am normal or if I am at a "proper" stage of grieving in all this mess or if I am being a good enough mom to my boys. I don't even think I am ENOUGH for them. I feel so guilty that they only have me to depend on. I am doing the best I can, but it is sometimes so frustrating and hard. I hate doing this alone. I know I should be grateful to be here, but more often than not, I feel guilty. He was such a good person... I pretty much feel that HE deserves to live and be here with his baby, not me. Is that stupid? I don't know anyone else in this situation. I live in a very small town (population of less than 1000) and the only people here who can relate to me are older women who have had 30 or 40 years of marriage under their belts. I don't know anyone my age who has had this happen to them, and I feel like I don't really fit in anywhere anymore. From the day he died, I feel like I have been flung far, far out from the circle of my peers -- not that they reject me, but I feel so different and far-removed from them now. They worry about things like vacations to Disneyland and soccer and what new SUV to buy and if they should get their kids I-Pods for Christmas. Those things just don't matter to me anymore, and we cannot relate anymore. Its pretty lonesome standing in this category all by myself in this town. So I don't know how I am doing. I don't know if I am doing things right or if I am feeling what I should be or if I am actually crazy and just don't realize it yet. I don't know what I am supposed to do for the rest of forever, I don't know how to react to the things people ask me or the dumb things they say to me, and I ESPECIALLY don't know what to do once our baby gets old enough to figure out that he doesn't have a dad here to spend time with. I hate it when people say, "You are young... you'll find someone." I don't want to, and I don't want to hear that. It really offends me, like what I feel RIGHT NOW does not matter. I am still in love with him, and I cannot stop that love. We were supposed to be together forever, not this. Our son was born, our wedding day came and went, the holidays passed, the first day of school, my birthday, Valentine's Day, not to mention all of the ordinary little days and moments he is missing... they are all so empty, and I have been alone for all of them. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to see the positive side of things now. I have never felt bitter or angry or like I haven't wanted to go on -- is that next for me? Is that a definite part of this progression too?? How do I stop being so SAD?? What happens next?!?