YELLOWBALLOON

just want to say thank you to people that took time out to read and respond to my posts....... tonight i deleted them dont know why really but i am grateful for everyones kindness im in a void and dont know how to get out of it im unable to offer any kind of solace or anything positive to others that post and this seems very selfish of me but i just want everyone to know I DO I DID AND I ALWAYS WILL BE THANKFUL FOR ALL YOUR KINDNESS AND PATIENCE SHOWN TO ME may you all find comfort and peace in your future bless you all linda xxxx

THANK YOU LORIS , EVERYONE HERE HAS BEEN SO KIND I AM TRYING TO TAKE ON BOARD ALL THE POSITIVE THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN SAID, AND I AM CLICKING ON THE NUMEROUS LINKS THAT PEOPLE HAVE SUGGESTED MIGHT HELP. NO I AM NOT ON MEDICATION .I DO NOT WANT TO GO DOWN THAT ROAD AS MANY YEARS AGO FOR A TOTALLY DIFFERENT REASON I WAS ON MEDS AND HATED WHAT IT DID TO ME SO I AM AFRAID TO GO THERE, MY DOCTOR REFERRED ME TO A GRIEF COUNCELOR WHO I SAW FOR MAYBE 2 SESSIONS BUT I FOUND THE WOMAN PATRONISING AND SHE BASICALLY SAID HOW EASIER IT WAS FOR ME BECAUSE I WAS OLDER!! AND TO IMAGINE HOW YOUNGER PEOPLE WOULD FEEL AND THAT WOULD SURELY MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.......... I DONT THINK I EVER QUITE UNDERSTAOOD WHERE SHE WAS GOING WITH THAT ....... AND I GUESS I DIDNT STAY AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO FIND OUT. MAYBE I WAS ANGRY , I DONT KNOW I JUST KNOW THAT AT THIS MOMENT I FEEL ISOLATED IN MY GRIEF. I HAVE A WONDERFUL PARTNER AND A WONDERFUL FAMILY WHO WOULD BE MORTIFIED IF THEY KNEW HOW I WAS REALLY FEELING , SO I PAINT THE PICTURE OF BEING OK BUT I DON`T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN. I WANT TO RUN AWAY, JUST GO.............. DONT KNOW WHERE, THE ONLY THING THAT STOPS ME IS I COULDN`T PUT MY FAMILY THROUGH THAT WORRY, THEY DON`T DESERVE IT . THEY HAVE BEEN SO GOOD AND SUPPORTIVE......... I READ MY POSTS AND REALISE I RAMBLE ON AND ON........ I READ OTHER PEOPLES POSTS, SO SAD AND KNOW I AM NOT ON MY OWN , THAT SO MANY PEOPLE ARE HAVING TO DEAL WITH THEIR OWN GRIEF AND EMOTIONAL JOURNEYS........ IT JUST SEEMS TO MAKE WE AWARE OF ALL THE SADNESS IN OUR WORLD AND HOW GRIEF...... SOUL BITING BOTTOMLESS PIT GRIEF IS THE PRICE WE PAY FOR LOVING SOMEONE

DANSLADY JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW IM THINKING OF YOU AND THE LOSS OF YOUR TWO PRECIOUS FRIENDS............ I KNOW THE BOND OF A PET IS A THING TO CHERISH GOD BLESS YOU XXX ALSO AnnieO I WILL SAY A PRAYER FOR YOU TOO AND YOU PRECIOUS COMPANIONS I KNOW AFTER READING THESE POSTS MY DARLIN SAFFI (GOLDEN LABRADOR YEAR OLD) WILL BE GETTING AN EXTRA HUG TONIGHT TAKE CARE ALL

I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AT RIGHT NOW PEBBLES, IT`S A HORRIBLE PLACE , I HOPE MAYBE YOU CAN TAKE A LITTLE COMFORT FROM THE PART OF MY DIARY DATED 22ND MAY 2005. AND USE THE KNOWLEDGE OF THIS AWFUL ILLNESS AS A GIFT OF TIME. I KNOW IT WAS SO DIFFICULT WITH PAPA AND EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK YOU ARE PREPARED, NOTHING CAN EVER FULLY PREPARE YOU, SO USE THIS TIME WISELY, DO NOT LEAVE YOURSELF ANY IF ONLY`S....I SINCERELY BELIEVE IF I DID JUST ONE THING RIGHT AT THAT TIME IT WAS THAT PART. MAMA`S DEATH WAS MUCH MORE DIFFICULT TO ACCEPT/BELIEVE/ UNDERSTAND (WHATEVER THE RIGHT WORD IS) AS IT WAS SUDDEN AND TOTALLY UNEXPECTED. IM NOT SAYING PAPA`S DEATH WAS ANY LESS PAINFUL FOR ME , PEOPLE THAT READ MY POSTS WILL KNOW THAT EVEN THIS FAR DOWN THE GRIEVING PROCESS I AM STILL NUMB AND LOST, BUT IF MY POST HAS HELPED YOU IN ANY WAY THEN THAT CAN ONLY BE A GOOD THING AND YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HELPS ME TOO. SO THANK YOU PEBBLES SO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR REPLY TO MY POST. MAY GOD HELP AND KEEP YOU AND HIS HAND GUIDE YOU ON THE EMOTIONAL JOURNEY YOU ARE TRAVELLING BLESS YOU XX LINDA XX

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HELLO IM NEW TO THIS PLACE SO IM STILL KINDA GETTING USED TO IT, STILL FEEL A BIT TOO NEW TO BE POSTING ANYTHING POSITIVE OR IMPOSE ON PEOPLE. IM NOT BEING RUDE OR IGNORANT JUST SORTA SITTING IN THE SHADOWS ....... I GUESS IM A LITTLE BIT LIKE WALTC (UP THERE^^) AND STILL TRYING TO DEAL WITH MY OWN STUFF TO BE OF ANY HELP TO ANYONE BUT WILL TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO THANK EVERYONE WHO HAS SUPPORTED ME AND TO ALL THE POSTS IVE READ THAT HAVE BEEN HELPFULL TO ME IN HELPING ME REALISE IM NOT ALONE , SO MANY MANY THANKS TO YOU ALL AND PEACE AND LOVE TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU **LINDA**(AKA YELLOWBALLOON)

Dear MartyT Thankyou so much for your kind and thoughtful reply to my post. Everything you say makes sense to me and I appreciate the links you have provided. It isn`t that I don`t appreciate and understand the meaning behind your comments but for now I just don`t seem to be able to accept that it`s ok to "let go". Its almost like I don`t want to.I feel in a fog of emotions that im scared to let clear because in that clearness my mama and papa are not there. Coping with papa`s death was so hard even though we knew what he was facing and the inevitable end was upon us i was not ready for the gaping wound i was left with and it was my beloved mama who showed us the way forward, She was so strong and so dignified in her grief.Mama`s death was so sudden and totally unexpected, she had only been given a clean bill of health 3 weeks before christmas because she was flying abroad for the first time ever in her 70 years (bless her) and she had come home so excited by her adventure and was talking positively about the future and her plans.......... and then I found her dead just 5 days after christmas.......It all seems so senseless and cruel. Depression hit me and i sank so low but my partner was an amazing source of strength to me.I hadn`t dealt with my grief over papa when mama died and was still struggling with my feelings when .in the may of 2006 my partners brother died and of course then he needed my support and love to help him cope with his grief. After that I felt like I had to put my grief on hold and I never returned there.......... not outwardly anyway. I had to continue to be the strong person I was for my partner I didnt feel it was fair to burden him with my grief when he had his own to deal with and by this time I had had almost a year of grieving and it seemed self indulgent to still need my time. So the adult in me played the part but the child in me still needs wants and screams out for her mama and papa every moment. I know I am so lucky to have had the parents I had and the childhood I had, but what threw me after papa died was when everyone talked about their memories of papa , the funny stories and happy times and all the anecdotes that people talk about at these times......I had.................nothing!!! I could not remember a single moment of my childhood. I did recall them when other people said " remember the time when......" but i did not have one story to tell, not one single memory and it broke my heart, i felt like a freak. I knew the memories were there but all i could recall was from the moment they said papa was sick.........I distinctly remember my partner finding me curled up on the bathroom floor banging my head desperstely trying to remember a memory so that i could relay a story to someone......Also one of my sisters is quite a spiritual person and she said ahe saw signs of mama and papa frequently, another sister heard banging at certain times of the night and put that down to mama and papa, both my brothers had " signs" (im not saying I believed they had but the point is THEY believed they had) and me ......i had zilch! nothing ... no signs no smells no bangs no sense of presence so once again i felt out of place and detatched from them. Now im rambling and probably not making sense and i appologise deeply for this but I dont know what to do .......I dont know where to put all these emotions im feeling, I dont want to lose the grief because I think I feel thats all I have left ........... i dont have memories nor signs ........I feel such a selfish individual .......... does any of this make sense.....is this normal.........................thankyou for allowing me to use this as a sounding board and thank you once again for your kind and caring comments and help with links........i will try to not impose on your kindness anymore my heartfelt thanks to you xxx peace and love to you Linda xxx

Thank you both so much for your kindness, i know i am not the only person feeling this way, the sadness and the overwhelming sense of loss, what confuses me is that i am now almost 52 yrs old, i should be coping and i know im not. Its 21 mths since my papa died and almost 15 mths since mama died yet it feels like yesterday.Oh on the ouside it appears im coping , even my partner does not see me break down now but my whole body still feels bruised and sometimes a song/ music/ words an item ............ anything can make me think of them and its like someone has touched the bruise and pressed it to keep it sore. We have a memory box full of silly little things like papa`s glasses mama`s driving licence, just little oddments that was personal to them but i find no solace in knowing they are there. I wear mama`s wedding ring and im proud to wear it but its not enough. How selfish I am ............. I know im making this all about me, i feel so robbed so desolate so angry and yet I know i was lucky to have such wonderfull parents.................... I dont even know what im trying to say now...............im just rambling ........... i dont even know why i made the original post other than im scared of them not being remembered........I want the whole world to have known them ..........I want the whole world to stop!!!!! selfish selfish selfish .............. and I am still afraid to stop grieving because like i said in my post ......if i stop its like saying its ok and it will never be ok. NOT EVER!!! FORGIVE ME!!!

IM SO SCARED I WILL FORGET SO I HAVE PUT MY DIARY HERE . . . IM JUST SO FRIGHTENED THAT I WILL FORGET , THAT PEOPLE WILL FORGET . . . Monday 18th April 2005 I found out that no more can be done for my beautiful papa . . . 22nd May 2005 . . . papa`s illness has given us time and the knowledge of how precious each moment is. Not to be wasted with trivialities...I`m lucky in that I have no bridges to build with papa .......... when I needed him he was there....always. Always letting me know he loved me,.. guiding me not controlling me....watching me but never judging me..... holding me but never smothering me, not necessarily agreeing with me but always listening to me .always hearing me . . . the bridge was always there . . . I realised that the knowledge of his illness has given us the most precious gift and I embrace this gift with all my heart.TIME!! Time to say our goodbyes....time to thank him for being my papa, time to let him know he will live on in every breath I take. time to let him know it`s ok...........that he isn`t deserting us or abandoning us. Time to look straight into his beautiful blue eyes and he will know he got it right. This awful insidious cruel and hateful illness will not defeat us for the knowledge of it ultimately gave us the most precious gift of all....... THE GIFT OF TIME! 20th June 2005 My papa.. BORN 6TH SEPTEMBER 1934 ..........DIED 20TH JUNE 2005 8TH JULY 2005 At 50 years of age I have suddenly turned into a 10 year old little girl who needs her papa I miss him so much,,,,,,,,,,, the void his death has left in my world will never be filled . . . Whenever I`ve heard of people suffering a bereavement I`ve always been sorry and passed my condolences and truly meant it........... but its only now that I truly understand the depth that grief can go. How it bites into your soul and does not let go. 30th december 2005 mama was devastated by papa`s death they had been together since childhood, they were soulmates but she was so strong for us after papa died even though she missed him dreadfully and the shine had gone from her eyes she remained strong for us her children because that was her way..... we always came first with her. On the 30th december 2005 I went to mama`s home and found her dead in bed. My world came crashing down around me, I was still grieving papa and now mama was gone. So suddenly, without warning. I ahve no diary for that , we had christmeas we was looking forward to new year, I had no reason to believe that the six months after papa had died was going to be the last times I would have with mama too.Dear God help me, emotionally I just hit the floor and most things from that time are a blur . . . I MISS YOU BOTH SO MUCH , THE HURT GETS DEEPER THE PAIN OF LOSING YOU BOTH IS STRONGER THAN EVER I MISS YOU BOTH SO VERY MUCH I NEED YOU EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY AND I DARE NOT LET GO OF MY GRIEF ....... IF I DO THEN THATS SAYING ITS OK AND IT WILL NEVER NEVER BE OK!!! 9th March 2007 I am still afraid to stop grieving because like i said in my post ......if i stop its like saying its ok and it will never be ok. NOT EVER!!!