doubledd

I guess that by reading these there is hope that things will get better. I want to thank all of you for sharing your stories. I am having a hard time believing that it gets easier as every day is such a struggle. I have to force myself to get out of bed. Amanda and I had been working on OUR new place and were planning on moving in on March 8 (two days after she passed). The two children we have had living with us were temporarily staying with their father until we moved in that Thursday. Now, I am without a place to live b/c I certainly can't afford it on one income. Had to back out of that and I am sure that there will be reprecussions. I am trying to find a rental now, currently staying with Amanda's mother and stepfather. Amanda's brother committed suicide almost five years ago (on May 11). Terry (Amanda's mother) has never really dealt with the grief of Billy's death. So, I believe that this is hitting her two-fold and she is struggling with it terribly. I am so worried about her. On top of that, she had surgery one year ago and it was botched so she has this medical condition where she is in constant pain. I had convinced her to start counseling and she went once but the counselor stated one thing she didn't care for and I don't think she will ever go back to another. I am not sure how to help her with this. She would like me to stay there and I am so conflicted with that. I love her very much. I also need to be with my children and there is not room for them in their home. I have been looking for a place and hopefully will have one shortly as I have applied for a few...but I haven't the nerve yet to talk with her about my moving. Four weeks ago, we had our last night together. I miss so much hearing her tell me when we went to bed how lucky she was, how much she loved me. We would debate over it. I just don't sleep. Eating is so terribly difficult. I seem to get sick from everything. This has been four weeks, should it have improved by now? I am in therapy and she stated that it is different for everyone. I understand that, b/c it must be related to how serious or deep the feelings. But I have been feeling like I just can't handle this. That I won't be able to heal. I have lived through some difficult things but this one.....good grief...I feel dead inside.

Oh my goodness...I don't eat...and brushing my teeth, well, i used to be so serious about it and now I brush about twice a day. I can't focus on anything. I work in a call center and have to write down what the customer is saying b/c I won't remember as soon as they are done saying what they are calling for. I feel so hopeless and lost. I have four children and they do offer me comfort, but I am struggling with them also. That hurts also. With Easter coming up, I am at a loss. Amanda did the decorating, she had the touch and she did such a beautiful job. I want to celebrate the holiday and find joy in it, but am actually dreading it. The disbelief. I can't seem to grasp that this is reality. I think that there is no way I could cry anymore but then the most insignificant thing will cause me to completely break down. I really appreciate every response. Thank you very much...Deb

thank you for the replies...I have been writing to Amanda in a journal...sometimes 3, 4, 5 times a day. I almost feel obsessed with it. Is this something healthy to do? People tell me to get rid of her things..that they are only cues to cause more hurt. I can't even bear the thought of getting rid of anything. I have organized and have it put in a safe place but to get rid of it...

I have never done this type of thing before but I have been reading some of the entries here and know that I need to try it at least once. On March 6, I lost my soulmate. I am so alone and scared. I never imagined all the pain one feels with this. Even the physical pain, my chest hurts all the time and sometimes it is difficult to breathe. I have this rewind and replay going on non-stop. What we were doing a few weeks ago, a couple months ago...and so on. I don't feel as though I can recover from this. Everyone keeps telling me that it takes time, be patient. I feel at the end of my patience with hearing that. time...time...time... I mean, do you ever really recover from this? Sometimes I feel moments of almost normalcy but not, if that makes sense. Then if I laugh at something, I feel guilt. Like it diminishes my love for her. I am sure that this is very convoluted and I apologize. I just can't organize my thoughts at all.