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christe

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  1. I'm so sorry for your loss Suzanne and we all understand what you are going through. This loss is very new in your life and you are just getting to the stage where it starts to feel real. I lost my soulmate,best friend, husband 2 years ago as the result of an accident and I was just in shcok for about the first 6 months. What you describe is exactly what I went through - I thought the God would surely just let me die also. But he didn't and I still keep going and now that time has passed and I have allowed myself to grieve I feel that I am starting to heal. I even laugh at times. There is enjoyment to be found in life later on.It has been the longest, hardest 2 years of my life but I have also learned more about life and myself that at any other period of time. Be kind to yourself, Suzanne. Allow yourself to feel all these awful raw emotions. Cry, sob uncontrolably, shout - whatever lets you release another tiny bit of the dreadful grief that is in your heart.Know that this is all normal and part of the process. I attended a grief group for traumatic loss run by my local hospice at about the 1 year stage and that helped me a lot to learn of others people's losses. Know that we all care about you here and understand everything that you are going through. Christine
  2. I am so sorry for your loss. My husband also died suddenly 21 months ago and it makes the grief more complicated when you have no chance to say goodbye.He fell from a ladder and I found him unconsious - he never woke up. I still often wonder what his last thoughts were. His cell phone was lying under his right hand - had he tried to call for help? When we kissed goodbye that morning it just seemed like a normal day and I have not had a "normal" day since then. But.......it does get a little easier...after a while. You are just still in shock and probably will be for a while. I was at my worst about 5 months after the accident when the shock was wearing off and the realization sunk in that this was really happening to me. Be kind to yourself. Make use of any help offered - tell people what you need done if they make a vague offer of help. People want to help but they often have no idea what to do. Some days all I could do was drag myself to work and watch myself put one foot in front of another and wonder how my body knew how to keep going. I was sure for a long time that my broken heart would just stop beating but it never did! My body seemed to know what to do to keep me alive but I secretly hoped that it would just stop functioning and I could get to be with my beloved Butch again. Now I know that I have to go on but the hurt never goes away completely. I think that the depth of hurt is a measure of how much we love or departed ones and this gives me some comfort to know that I am capable of such love. Please just look after yourself and allow yourself to feel all the avalanches of diverse feelings that will wash over you. Sometimes I feel great waves of grief coming towards me and now I know that there is nothing I can do about it but just feel it and know that it will pass. I will hold you in my prayers and wish you comfort in your children during this journey of grief. Please let us know how you are doing. Christine
  3. I know just how you feel. I left Scotland and came to US to marry the love of my life three and a half years ago. We had nearly two years of wonderful married life and then he died in an accident at work when he fell off a ladder. My world stopped and I too thought that I would never be able to breathe again. It has been 20 months since his death and I have just kept on trying to put one foot in front of the other and apparently I am still alive. I have felt like a little train that just wants to keep running down it's track. I have not been able to make any decisions about moving back to Scotland where my 2 grown up sons are but have kept going here on my own as I have a job that I enjoy and some wonderful friends. It is such a short time since you lost your husband,chriskz, and at that stage I know that I was in shock - for about 6 months. Then things got worse for a while as the shock wore off and I had to face the hard reality of life on my own again. I went on anti-depressants for a short while but felt better when I stopped taking them. I went to individual counselling and a wonderful counsellor helped me greatly to understand that I had indeed been through a traumatic experience and was entitled to feel the way that I felt - sad and heart broken. It is such a hard lonely road to travel and the worst thing of all is that it is never one we would have choosen. I have learned a lot on my journey and know that I can help others through the awful things that I have survived. Please be kind and gentle with yourself and know that we have all felt all the things that you are going through just now. Somehow we get the strength to carry on and do one more day at a time. I hold onto the knowledge that I will be with my beloved Butch again but for now he has stepped throught he veil and I apparently have things that I need to do before I can go and join him. I know that he wants me to look forward to that time with the same joyful anticipation that we looked forward to seeing each other when we lived 6,000 miles apart. May you feel some peace in your heart and know that much love is sent your way. Christe
  4. Hi Kayc I read your post the first time I was on this site and I too totally related to it. It has been 19 months since my beloved husband died suddenly as the result of an accident and I still feel as you do that I am stuck in a time warp. It does feel at times like a sentence of just survival and all real meaning has gone from life. I am sometimes amazed that I am still alive and my heart still beats when it is broken by such grief. Butch and I had only been married for just under 2 years. It was a second marriage for both of us and it was all so easy as it was all so right. We met on a church internet site and fell in love by phone. After 11 days we knew that we were going to be together always. Trouble was I lived in Scotland and he in Oregon US. Well it is a long story of fate conspiring to assist us through the immigration process but I made it to Oregon permanently 8 months later (after visiting him twice and him coming to Scotland to meet all my family.) We married 10 days after my arrival here and lived out the 22 months that we had together like two teenagers madly in love. We did everything together and had many plans for our future but that all came to a sudden halt when he fell from a ladder at work - he died within a few hours and I never got to say goodbye. That is when my nightmare started.I found myself in a foreign country with my reason for being here gone. My two sons who are 27 and 25 live in Scotland and had been so happy for me that I had found happiness.I have just lived the last 22 months by putting one foot in front of the other and trying not to make any sudden decisions - I still live in Oregon. I am a teacher and thankfully my job has kept me going and given me a reason to get out of bed every morning.I have gone back to Scotland 3 times to be with my family but am so torn apart as what to do next. I still live in the home that Butch and I shared and that has given me some comfort. I have less days when I feel down than in the begining but can still crash unexpectedly - especialy if I get tired or stressed out. What keeps me going is that one day I know that I will see him again and we will be together forever but some days that is just not enough!!!I am so lonely. I have some very good friends and very good work collegues but nothing will ever be the same as being with Butch and being on the receiving end of all the love that he showed me. I was very blessed to meet and marry such a wonderful man but oh how am I going to live out the rest of my life? I am 52 years old and my Mom is 87 years old and I think - perhaps I too could live for another 35 years and all I can see some days are long lonely days stretching out ahead of me. I helps to share this with you. I hope you are comforted to know that someone else shares your feelings of longing to be with your loved one. Christe
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