I'm so sorry for your loss Suzanne and we all understand what you are going through. This loss is very new in your life and you are just getting to the stage where it starts to feel real. I lost my soulmate,best friend, husband 2 years ago as the result of an accident and I was just in shcok for about the first 6 months. What you describe is exactly what I went through - I thought the God would surely just let me die also. But he didn't and I still keep going and now that time has passed and I have allowed myself to grieve I feel that I am starting to heal. I even laugh at times. There is enjoyment to be found in life later on.It has been the longest, hardest 2 years of my life but I have also learned more about life and myself that at any other period of time. Be kind to yourself, Suzanne. Allow yourself to feel all these awful raw emotions. Cry, sob uncontrolably, shout - whatever lets you release another tiny bit of the dreadful grief that is in your heart.Know that this is all normal and part of the process. I attended a grief group for traumatic loss run by my local hospice at about the 1 year stage and that helped me a lot to learn of others people's losses. Know that we all care about you here and understand everything that you are going through. Christine