My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 years ago. I drove across town before and after work for 8 months to help my dad take care of her. She passed away in 8 months, the last three weeks of her life she spent in Hospice care. I had made a promise to her that she would die at home but my dad and I couldn't give her proper care and keep her pain free at home. I carried much guilt because I didn't keep my promise. One month after she passed my dad came to live with me. He was an end stage renal patient and over the course of the 2 years that I took care of him we were in and out of the hospital countless times dealing with fistulas, pneumonia, staph infections, and the list goes on. I finally had to resign my position at work for the last year because he became a full time job. Every time he was placed under anesthesia he developed "toxic dementia". My dad was 6' 5" and at this time weighed 210 lbs, so when he chased spiders that didn't exist and fell, it was quite a chore to pick him up. I tried hiring caregivers, but that is a story in itself. Thankfully the dementia usually cleared within a few weeks, his mind improved but every hospital stay took its toll on him physically, he became weaker and weaker. Dad was a handfull, I called him Archie Bunker. He was very confrontational, unwilling to participate in his care, so it was a struggle. I ran on pure adrenelan and stress, 24/7. He was hospitalized in January of this year and it became evident to me that he would no longer have any quality of life, so decisions had to be made. Dad wouldn't even discuss advanced directives, so I had to convice the Hospitalist that Hospice was his only hope for dying with dignity. When I told my dad of my decision, he slipped back into reality and said "thank You" and that was the last time he spoke. He was moved to hospice and passed 3 days later. I was there at his side and I was thankful that I was able to share his last peaceful breath. It has been two months since his passing and I am in the process of mourning both of my parents death. I didn't have the opportunity to grieve for mum because dad became my top priority after her death. As some of you are aware, the entire encyclopedia of emotions bombard your being and sometimes it is overwhelming. But this I have learned...I am so thankful for everything that has happened in my life because all of the experiences, trials and tribulations, make me the person that I am today. What a blessing to realize your strengths, to develop deep spiritual connections and to walk away with the highest respect for life and how precious every moment is. I also know that the grief, tears, and feelings of "what is my purpose now?" will pass and that the universe has many wonderful challenges left for me. I hope that all of you will embrace every moment and try to find the lesson that is presented to you. Be thankfull, you have been chosen by the universe to become who you are ment to be.
