I am a soon to be 44 year old woman. Ironcally enough I am also the Director of Volunteers at a large Hospice in West Virginia. I lost my Mom around this time last year (June 11, 2007). I am not handling it well, although I present very well on the outside. However, I feel like the spider cracks of deep grief, horrible blackness and hopelessness beginning to weave their way out of my skin. I don't know what to do. I am too close to my Hospice family to get help there. I tried EAP which was a joke. I sometimes feel stupid for even feeling this way as I am not one of those crazy people who developed an abnormally close, emeshed relationship with their Mothers and just can't function without them - truly. It is just she was all I had all my life -- my only constant. I am an only child and feel so alone. I guess what makes this worse it that I also went through a divorce 6 months before her horrible death. I wasn't expecting her to die. We went in for what we thought was a routine heart cath because she was having shortness of breath and it turned into an open heart bypass which in turn (due to many medical mishaps such as the nurses overdosing her and causing her to have Narcam and in turn sending her kidneys into failure and into the ICU two days after surgery). Needless to say it ended up being a 3 month journey in the ever nutty health care system. Hospital, ICU, cardiac step down, a rehab hospital, home health, back to the hospital, and into a long term acute care hospital and back to the hospital back to ICU and death. She died of MRSA her leg was horrible infected and she was on a wound vac and then her chest exploded with infection - no one knew it was still brewing. They went in to debred her chest and she had her first heart attack. I was the one to tell them not to resusitate and tell my Mom goodbye. She was on a vent but could understand me. I told her I loved her and it was ok to go and asked her two different ways if she was sure she did not want to be coded - she answered appropriately. Next day she died of her second heart attack - but at least I got to tell her how much I loved her and what a wonderful Mom she was. I miss her so badly. I had no time off (3 days bereavement) as I had to use all my vacation for the last two years to take her to doctor appts etc. Our company has since changed the rules about not letting you use sick leave to care for an parent who doesn't live with you. I feel like I am rambling and here I am reaching out into cyberspace hoping someone can save me from myself. The darkness is coming on fast. I do feel like I have no purpose - I am not a daughter, not a caregiver, not a wife and not a mother -- what am I? Everyone says --- oh look what good you do for others -- your training of skilled volunteers, you ability to speak in public, your caring attitude . What I hear is blah ,blah, blah. I am not defined by my job. I am not defined at all. So lost. I do have an appointment with a therapist (my first time) next week. I am at a crossroads. Its me again. In the previous post I stated my Mom's death as June 2007, it was in June 2006
