Criskz

Maury, I've been feeling the exact same way lately...I'll I want to do is dissapear, just vanish, stop being me. If I could just only sleep all day long. I also don't quite undestand why I'm finding it so hard to be greatfull for what I do have. This week was one of the hardest week for me in a long time...it's like a dark cloud has come over me..and I don't even know why, this week I got a promotion in my job, I got a salary increase and i got a bonus...I should be soo happy and gratefull, but I'm just not. I've just been crying all week feeling sorry for myself and being really rude at work everybody. I'm soo angry...what the heck is wrong with me!?

Art, I know what you are talking about. I also find myself getting angry very easily...it also worries me because I'm trying really really hard not to become a bitter person, but it's so hard I'm so jealous of everybody I see in the street with their love one, or women I see with their babies. I will always regret not having had a baby the minute I got married. Anyway I keep trying to remind myself of what a happy person my husband was or should I say is because I still do feel his presence everyday and I know we are and will always be connected to each other

Thanks for sharing the poem WaltC. It's beautiful. There are times a feel my baby so close to me. His presence so clearly there

Teny, Yesteday was my one year wedding anniversary, so I know what you mean when you say it hurts so much. But I decided it was a day to celebrate by remembering all the times I spend with him and not to a day for grieving. Of course easier said than done, but I did tried my best . Anyway you can try the same. Celebrate his life, celebrate that you loved him and he loved you.

That did make me smile! Thanks!

I'm off to Mexico this coming Thursday The graduation is that night. I'm staying Friday and return on Saturday. I'm debating whether I should go to the police station to see if they have any updates on the case...although I know they don't, they are so useless. Not sure if that is just going to ruin my trip, but I feel like I'm not doing anything to get those guys caught and it's making me feel guilty.

Thanks Karen! I'm not from Mexico, my husband was from Mexico. He loved his country. I can't beliebe I'm going to be going back and he is not going to be there...but it will be ok I hope

Jan44, I know how you are feeling. I feel the same way most of the time. I read in a book a quote that explains exactly how I feel. "There is a sort of invisible blanket between me and the world. I find it hard to take in what anyone says...yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moment when the house is empty" My family has been by my side all this time, yet at times I feel I can't really connect with them at all. None the less I'm so so so thankful to have them with me. I just wish I could do a better job expressing this to them.

Thanks for the support Karenb and Kayc. It is true that we had little time together...I get really mad thinking about it. But it's also true that the time we did have together we both lived it very intensely. He was all about living in the present and doing new stuff. I did so many things with him, that I never imagine I would do. He would always ask me...Did you ever imagine you would be doing this?! He taugth me so so much. I just bought my ticket to Mexico. I'm going for 3 day. I'm very very scared, but I decided it's something that I have to do.

The 7th of this month was 6 moths since my baby was shot. The 8th was 6 months since he left me. The 7th would have been also our 9 months of being married. The 6th was my b-day. We were supposed to get pregnant this year, once I turned 28 which I am now. Man it's been a heck of a month. And now I'm supposed to decide if I want to go back to Mexico for his brothers graduation. They really want me to go, but I just can't imagine going back to Mexico and not having my baby wait for me in the airport like he always did. I'm so confused. I can't believe 6 months have gone by. It's like someone pressed the fastfoward button time has past really fast and somehow here I'm back in Houston working and apperantly doing great as far as everyone else is concern. But I'm not I just can't relate to anyone so I just don't talk about it, don't trink about it..I'm just num and tired all the time. It would be great if I could just sleep all day. Somedays I'm so tempted to give up and refuse to get out of bed...but I never do.

Teny, I'm so sorry for your lost. My husband died 4 months ago very very suddenly. Fridays used to be my favorite days because I knew Ulises was coming home and he was totally mine for the whole weekend. All he cared about during the weekends was me and his mum. Now I HATE HATE HATE HATE Fridays. It's when I get the saddest. Anyway hang in there even though you might not see a reason we have to believe there is a reason why we are still alive...or so I keep repeting to myself. Cristina

Kayc and Stallyn, thanks for your words. I guess I just need to let myself feel whatever it is I need to feel. Lisa Ann the thought of anybody trying to take his place makes me sick. I don't want anybody else just him.

Does it really get better? People keep telling me it will, but really doesn't seem so. Each day that passes I feel worse. It takes so much energy to just get through the day. All I do at work is try yo keep in the tears. There is a fog around me all day and I feel unconfortable around my friends. I have to make myself concentrate really really hard to listen to what people are telling me at work. It just seems like stuff is just happening around me but I'm not part of it I'm just watching it happen not really caring. How do I snap out of it????????? When people say it gets better do they mean that you just wake up and you just feel better, or do you wake up one day and make a concious effort to feel better and move on?? I keep thinking I', 27 what if I live to be 100 and I feel this misserable for the rest of my days?? I was reading a book that said you control your thoughts and hence you can make them be all positive thoughts. It said that if you have a negative thought you should immideately think of the opposit which will be a positive. I tried that for a day and I did feel better that day, but at night I just broke down. It's like all the feelings I had supress during the day just came out at once. I felt like I was kidding myself by thinking all these positive thoughts I just so confused about how I'm supposed to be feeling. All I know is that I miss my baby, his smell, his voice and I just want to be with him...

LarryGirls I'm feeling exactly like you feel. Some days all I do is repeat to my baby "Please take me with you, Please take me with you"..and nothing I'm still here. I have seen him in dreams and he is always happy and tells me that I can not go with him...he doesn't say why and I wished he did. I guess I need to find that out by myself. Even though I don't blame God for what happend I don't pray anymore, I'm not sure why. I think they do miss us but they are at peace with it and they are happy wherever they are at. We miss them but are not in peace with it...maybe I don't know

Thank you all for your words. Even though I didn't think it would help, it does in a way comfort you to know that other people are feeling the same way you are, and that it's not just you being crazy. SO THANK YOU! Even though my family has been with me all time and have given me all the support they can and I love them a whole bunch, I still feel lonely and misunderstood. Anyway here is a positive quote I try to repeat to myself everyday "It has never been, and never will be, easy work! But the road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same place" I know that I will see my Baby again, in the mean time I need to have hope that he will guide me in my journey here on earth, I need to have hope that this cloud that is over me will eventually go away, I need to have hope that I will be able to see clearly again, that this anger will not take over me and that I will be able to take all the love that my baby gave me and use it to do something good while I wait for him to come get me

2 years 1/2 ago I met the man who was going to become my future husban. 1 year after meeting him I left everything I knew and moved to Mexico with him. We married Novemenber 7 2006. This past Feb 7 he was killed by some scum that wanted to take his car. The time I spent with him was trully magical. Hi made me so so so so happy. I'm pretty quiet person, but with him I could talk for hours I could be silly I could trully be me. He could read me so well. Now that I have lost him I feel so lost and all I do is ask him to take me with him. Every time I think that I'm not going to be able to touch or smell him again I can't breathe. Every one tells me that I need to live for him, but I did everything with him, my life was him. How I'm a suppose to continue without him??????????? I'm so angry and I'm scared the anger is never going to go away and I'm going to become a bitter person. I don't want to be bitter for the rest of my life, I know he would not have liked that. But I don't know how to get rid of this anger I have. I'm angry at the men that shot him, I'm agry at the useless police, I'm angry at the witness, I'm even angry at myself I read a book where someone said life can be like a screwed up pocker game where you are given a perfect hand and you are so sure you have won and then without warning the rules change and your hand is worthless. I'm worthless right know and so so emtpy and lost