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MartyT

Admin
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    8,959
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About MartyT

  • Rank
    Grief Counselor
  • Birthday 02/10/1943

Contact Methods

  • AIM
    tousleym
  • Website URL
    http://www.griefhealingblog.com
  • Yahoo
    martytousley

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Sarasota, Florida

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    mother, daughter, friend, pet parent
  • Date of Death
    5/26/67, 9/3078,10/06/93
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Recent Profile Visitors

8,935 profile views
  1. I really do hope and pray that you will read the articles about guilt, my dear, and take the suggestions to heart (see links below). The only one who can forgive you for this tragedy is YOU ~ and if you find that you're unable to do that by yourself, I hope you will find someone qualified in grief counseling (ideally someone who understands and respects the human-animal bond and the very real pain of loving and losing a cherished companion animal) who can help you to work through all of this and come to terms with it. See especially: A Dangerous Villain: Guilt Grief and The Burden of Guilt Guilt and Regret in Grief
  2. I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved Ginger, my dear. You say you go through therapies ~ I'm not sure what that means, but I hope you will find some way to learn from your mistakes and forgive yourself for whatever part you think you played in this tragic story. As you say, it is easy to say now what you wish you had done differently then ~ but we cannot know what we do not know. You did what you thought was best for Ginger at the time. Now you know better: We learn from our mistakes, if we are willing to pay attention. You can take whatever lessons you have learned from this tragic experience and you can resolve to do things differently in the future. I invite you to read this article in hopes that its content will help. Make sure to follow some of the links you'll find embedded in the post: Pet Loss: Coping with the Trauma of An Unexpected Death
  3. You are one of us, dear Katie, and we are here for you as you continue to take good care of YOU. ♥️
  4. It's not what either of you said, Kay ~ It's the opening of a door that invites further discussion on a topic that does not belong here. Once a topic as controversial as this is introduced, others feel free to share their own personal views and opinions, and soon it can get out of hand. I simply chose to nip it in the bud. There are plenty of other places where political discussions of that sort can take place ~ certainly Facebook is a prime example ~ but these forums are not intended to be one of them. My intention is not to limit free speech in any way, nor is it to criticize what anyone has said here. I stand by my earlier statement, and I hope we can put this matter to rest.
  5. Dear ones, you will notice that I've edited or deleted some recent comments in this thread, and I would ask that members refrain from sharing their political opinions and beliefs in these forums. Just as our readers and members vary in beliefs about faith and religion, so do we vary in our thoughts and opinions pertaining to politics. We must take great care in respecting and protecting individual beliefs, most especially if and when they differ from our own. Bear in mind that whatever material you post here is visible to the public. When we share with one another, we recognize that whatever is said to one person is intended to be read by everyone. If we have something to say to one person that cannot or should not be shared with everyone, we must consider carefully whether it should be said at all. I ask that if you wish to continue discussing with one another the current state of affairs relating to politics, governmental affairs and party affiliations, please do so privately.
  6. NO DEATH, NO FEAR A FREE 4-Week Online Course Beginning on January 28th What if engaging with our fear surrounding death could help awaken us to the gift of life? Beginning on January 28th, join the preeminent teachers on mindfulness, compassion, courage and end-of-life care for a free 4-week course to help you embrace birth and death in every moment. Many Western societies encourage us to sweep death under the rug, but what if coming face-to-face with our aversion to death could actually transform us into more resilient, courageous, and compassionate beings for ourselves and for those we love? Sitting in the truth of what arises in our lives - including grief, fear, and anger - helps us to break apart the quality of our defensive hearts, allowing boundless unconditional love to emerge. So how can we create a space where the possibility of finding freedom amidst discomfort can arise? This course features the wisdom teachings of Ram Dass, Roshi Joan Halifax, Frank Ostaseski, Robert Thurman and Krishna Das. Claim My Spot Now
  7. MartyT

    Losing Jim

    I'm so sorry, Kay. It just infuriates me that insurance companies and pharmacies now have the power to override a physician's medication prescription. What a mess has been made of our so-called healthcare system. Certainly I will keep your dear friend Jim in my thoughts and prayers. I understand your concern about spreading an infection ~ but couldn't you take some precautionary measures that would enable you to visit Jim anyway? Such as wearing a mask, making sure to wash your hands before entering his hospital room, and avoiding any physical contact with him? It seems a shame that you cannot go to him . . .
  8. MartyT

    Articles Worth Reading

    Finding Your Balance in the New Year and In Grief by Karla Helbert 2019 is now well underway. For those in grief, the new year can be extremely painful. The heartache potential of December 31st and into January is sometimes overlooked when we're wading through the griefy sludge of the winter holiday season. We can be surprised at the pain that the inevitable turn of the calendar brings. It means another year of our lives that our beloveds are not here. If it's your first New Year without your beloved, it may hit you hard when you realize you can no longer say, "This time last year..." If you're further down the road, looking back at the years and the calendar pages piling up behind you--without the one you love--each new year is at best bittersweet, and at worst, excruciating. We spent this past New Year’s Eve with extended family. My brother-in-law and nephews engineered a spectacularly beautiful fireworks display in the front yard. Historically, fireworks at the New Year are supposed to light up the night in order to chase off the demons and darkness of the old year, making clear the way for new things and better luck to fill the new year. For those in grief, the happy-making traditions feel like so much wishful thinking. We know that there is no good luck tradition, no New Year's day recipe, no resolution we can ever make that will bring us what we most deeply long for in this or any new year to come. Outside with family and friends, I was laughing, oohing and ahhing along with everyone else. The display was truly beautiful and I was grateful to be with the ones I love. At the same time, I was also missing my boy who would now be 13. Standing there looking up at the cold night sky, watching the explosions of light and color, thinking of him, I was asking in my heart, "Where are you? Are you up there? Can you see this? Can you see me? Are you here? Where are you? Where are you really?" I wondered too how things would be different were he here. And as I've wondered so many times over these nearly 13 years now, who would he be? What would he be like? What would he look like? How would life be different? And always at the holiday times, when everyone is gathered, the missing is so much more piercing. My firstborn child is always missing. And I am always missing him. Holding all my feelings, watching the night alight with fire, I know that I can appreciate the beauty in the light, only because of the dark. I don't need my darkness chased away. I need to acknowledge it. I need rest in it sometimes. I need it to cover me sometimes. We need the dark as much as we need the light. For light to exist, it needs the darkness to shine forth. It took me a long time to be okay with both the darkness and the light. And I know now that I can never have, or be, only one or the other.
  9. MartyT

    I know I'm not alone, but.....

    I'm so sorry for your loss, my dear, and my heart reaches out to you in your pain. Since you are perceived as the "strong one" in the family, I'm sure the weight of the grief you are carrying is far heavier than you feel able to bear. It must feel as if you don't have enough room or sufficient time to take care of yourself. I can tell you, though, that the best way to take care of everyone else's grief is to take care of your own grief first. What does that mean? It means learning about what is normal in grief, so you'll feel less crazy and alone, and you'll have a better idea of what to expect and what you can do with your own reactions in the weeks and months ahead. It may mean making an appointment with a qualified grief counselor, or finding an in-person grief support group in your community. You've made a good start by coming here, where you are among kindred spirits who understand from their own experiences what you are going through and who will be here to listen without judgment. I also invite you to read a touching article I found just this morning, as I think it will resonate with you: How You Die, When Someone You Love Dies ♥️
  10. Difficult emotions are hard to shake. Ignoring them doesn’t really make them go away, and rumination just fuels the fire of suffering. During this workshop, you will learn how the physical sensation of emotion can be your ally during tough times and even provide you with inner wisdom and insight. Join Heather Stang, author of Mindfulness & Grief, for this free webinar from the TAPS Institute for Hope & Healing and the Hospice Foundation of America. Thursday, January 17, 2019 If you missed the program or would like to share it with someone, it is available on the TAPS Institute webpage: https://www.taps.org/webinar/2019/meditation-for-coping.
  11. From Open to Hope: You are invited to a free Zoom webinar. January 14, 2019 7:00 PM in Eastern Time (US and Canada) Find out how to summon newfound resilience, courage, strength and faith with a roadmap for healing after loss called “The Five Honorings”. Join mother daughter team, Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley and their special guest, Dr. Ken Druck. Dr. Druck is a best-selling author and founder of The Jenna Druck Center Families Helping Families Program. Join the conversation by texting in your questions and thoughts. Please click the link below to watch the recorded webinar, The Secrets of Resiliency and Courage After a Significant Loss With Ken Druck: https://www.opentohope.com/webinars/
  12. MartyT

    Changes I'm Making

    I love this, Anne. May I have your permission to reprint it in our "Voices of Experience" series on the GH Blog?
  13. MartyT

    My ex husband died suddenly.

    You ask, "how do I know how to feel?" Understand that feelings are neither right or wrong, not always rational, and not the same as facts. We cannot control how we feel, either ~ but we can exercise some control over our behavior and in how we react to our feelings. Learning about what is normal in grief goes a long way toward helping us to understand what we may be feeling and why ~ and being with others whose losses are similar to our own helps us feel less isolated, crazy and alone ~ and gives us hope that, if others can make it through this pain, then we can find a way to do it, too. I hope you will read the articles Kay has suggested and take her wise words to heart. Above all, give yourself permission to mourn this loss and know that your grief is legitimate and worthy of whatever attention it demands. See also Is Grief A Normal Reaction to Divorce? (Note that all of these articles contain links to additional writings and resources.)
  14. Nice to learn that you've conquered the flu and you're feeling stronger, Tom. What an awful Christmas present to share with you and your siblings!
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