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MartyT

Admin
  • Content Count

    9,315
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About MartyT

  • Rank
    Grief Counselor
  • Birthday 02/10/1943

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    mother, daughter, friend, pet parent
  • Date of Death
    5/26/67, 9/3078,10/06/93
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Contact Methods

  • AIM
    tousleym
  • Website URL
    http://www.griefhealingblog.com
  • Yahoo
    martytousley

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Sarasota, Florida

Recent Profile Visitors

9,805 profile views
  1. So Much Has Changed: Managing Secondary Losses During the Holidays Live webinar November 20 | Noon–1:00 p.m. ET For many families, the death of a loved one brings not only tangible losses but also ones that are more intangible or “secondary.” These secondary losses can feel especially difficult during the holiday season, as families face an empty seat at the Thanksgiving table or changes in a cherished holiday ritual. Join Dr. Kenneth J. Doka to discuss how these losses impact one’s grief journey and some strategies for coping with them. Presenter: Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, MDiv, TAPS Advisory Board Member Learn More
  2. Pet Loss and Animal Communication: Suggested Resources
  3. I cannot say it any better than you have done here, Kay. ❤️ See also: I Didn't Want My Mom to See Me Cry and Finding Crying Time in Grief
  4. How we progressed from a culture of silence to facing our grief for dead babies ❤️
  5. Something my daddy taught me: You can't play a sad song on a banjo. ❤️
  6. I'm so sorry to learn this tragic news, and sorrier still that this has happened yet again . . . Curious Cats Get Killed in Clothes Dryers Curious Cats Still Getting Killed in Clothes Dryers
  7. I think one of the best ways to remember the time you spent with your baby girl is to write down everything you want to remember about her ~ all the pet names you had for her, all the funny and silly things she used to do, some of your most special moments with her. An excellent example of this is Kay's thread sharing memories of her beloved Arlie:
  8. Oh my dear. I want to say "Welcome to the club that nobody wants to join." If you read through many of the stories posted in this forum, you'll soon discover that you are not alone in questioning the momentous decision to euthanize your beloved canine companion. I think it just isn't possible to go through this experience without the load of guilt that accompanies it. I also invite you to read this (including the articles listed at the base): Guilt In The Wake of A Euthanasia Decision
  9. My dear, I too am so very sorry for the reasons that bring you here to us. As you come to know us by reading members' posts and by sharing whatever you need to say, I think that here you will find the reliable information, comfort and support you need and deserve. Although grief is unique to the person experiencing it, there are some features that are common to most of us, so it helps to do some reading so you'll have a better idea of what to expect and what you might do to understand and manage your own reactions. You might begin with the following ~ and be sure to follow some of the links embedded in the articles listed: Grief: Understanding The Process Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief In Grief: Dreading The Anniversary Date Of a Loved One’s Death Traumatic Loss: Needing to View the Body
  10. This from Nan Zastrow of Wings - A Grief Education Ministry: This is a FREE quarterly ELetter for the bereaved and caregivers. It’s a compliment to Wings when you pass it on and share it with your friends. Please feel free to do so. Here is the link: http://www.wingsgrief.org/november-2019-eletter/ Here is Page 1—a Preview of this issue! -- Nan & Gary Zastrow nanwings1@gmail.com the founders of: wingsgrief.orgWings--a Grief Education Ministry Visit Wings on FACEBOOK website: wingsgrief.org
  11. Grief Expert David Kessler Helps Us Find Meaning in the Death of a Loved One by SUSAN PASCAL Until the tragic death of his 21-year-old son, David, renowned grief expert David Kessler thought he knew everything there was to know about the grieving process. The co-author—with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross—of On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss said he needed to find meaning in the loss. This became the basis of his latest book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. 1. How is this book different from your last book, On Grief and Grieving, co-authored with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross? In On Grief and Grieving, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross asked me to help adapt the stages she had observed in the dying to account for the similar stages we had also observed in those who are grieving. They are not a method for tucking messy emotions into neat packages. They don’t prescribe; they describe. And they describe only a general process. In the years since that book’s publication, I’ve experienced a great loss myself. The fifth of Kübler-Ross’s five stages is acceptance. At this stage, we acknowledge the reality of the loss. We take some time to stop and breathe into the undeniable fact that our loved ones are gone. It can be extremely painful, and acceptance doesn’t mean that we are okay with the loss or that the grieving process is now officially over. There’s been an assumed finality about this fifth stage that Elisabeth and I never intended. I don’t think our generation is just “okay” with accepting loss; I think we want more. Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief begins where our last book ends. I came to realize that there’s a crucial sixth stage to the healing process: meaning. This isn’t some arbitrary or mandatory step but one that many people intuitively know to take and others will find helpful. 2. You define the Sixth Stage of Grief as “meaning” and then break that down further into seven “thoughts" in your book. Can you explain them here? Meaning is relative and personal–comparing losses makes no sense. The worst loss is always your loss. Only you know your loss and the meaning. Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after the loss. Meaning is not a quick fix; it is a way of living with the loss rather than getting over it. Meaning doesn’t require understanding. It’s not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning. Most of us will never understand why our loved one died at that time and in that way, but we can still find meaning. Even when you do find meaning, you won’t feel it was worth the cost of what you lost. Meaning can become a cushion, but we would always rather have your loved ones back. Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen after the loss. Only you can find your own meaning. No one can make you find meaning; only you can do it in your time and in your way. You are the only one that will ever truly understand the depth of your loss; only you understand the relationship you have with your loved one who died. Meaningful connections will heal painful memories. Grief is pain, but grief is also love. Meaning does not negate or minimize the loss. But in time we can make meaning to give a balance to the pain. 3. After a loved one dies, many of us ask, “why?” Can you explain some of the challenges we may face in dealing with our grief, (i.e. suicide, infant death)? There are many variations of the haunting Why question: Why did my child die? Why did I have a miscarriage? Why did my loved one die by suicide? Why did my husband die? Why did tragedy strike us? Why him? Why her? Why them? There must be a reason, and it must be a big reason. Life can’t be that random. Many people spend years looking for a why answer that will never come. Why is one brother mentally compromised and not the other? Why does a baby die? Even if we are given answers, they will never be satisfying. There is no satisfying answer. Our minds can’t conceive that death happens; it must be their fault or ours. A miscarriage must be the mother’s fault, right? Wrong, miscarriages happen to the best of parents. Something must be wrong if our family members died by suicide. Why did they choose to die? No, suicide is not a choice it is an illness of the mind. We have a belief that everyone should always be healthy and live to 85 years old or older. But that is not the actual reality we live in. Even as a grief specialist, I had to face that one directly when my youngest son died at 21 years old. We don’t get to choose how long we have with each other, but we get to choose the quality of the time we spend together. Pain, death, and loss are never wanted, but they’re unavoidable in our lifetime. Yet the reality is post-traumatic growth happens more than post-traumatic stress. 4. Are we all capable of finding meaning in the death of a loved one? Yes, meaning can be found in the life of anyone who has ever occupied space on this planet or in someone’s heart. It is there if you look for it. What about those who can’t find meaning? Is it possible that the ability to find or make meaning is inherent in our DNA? Do some of us get it, and others do not? In other words, are only some of us born to make lemonade out of the lemons of tragedy? The answer is no. Finding meaning is for everyone. In my lectures and retreats with grieving people, I’m often asked, “Where am I trying to find meaning? In the death? The loss? The event? The life of the person I loved? Or am I trying to find meaning in my own life after the loss?” My answer is yes to all of the above. You may find meaning in all of those, which will lead you to more profound questions and deeper answers. Maybe your meaning will come by finding rituals that commemorate your loved one’s life or by offering some kind of contribution that will honor that person. Or the loss of your loved one may cause you to deepen your connection to those who are still with you or to invite back into your life people from whom you’ve been estranged. Or it may give you a heightened sense of the beauty of the life we are all so privileged to have as long as we remain on this earth. 5. What do you hope readers will learn from your book? In this sixth stage, we acknowledge that although, for most of us, grief will lessen in intensity over time, it will never end. But if we allow ourselves to move fully into this crucial and profound sixth stage—meaning—it will enable us to transform grief into something else, something rich and fulfilling. Through meaning, we can find more than pain. We want more than the hard fact of that trauma and loss. Yet for some, the grieving mind finds no hope after loss. But when people are ready to hope again, they will be able to find it. Bad days don’t have to be an eternal destiny. That doesn’t mean your grief will get smaller over time. It means that you must get bigger. As the saying goes, “No mud, no lotus.” The most beautiful flower grows out of the mud. Our worst moments can be the seeds of our best moments. They have an amazing power to transform us. That’s what I hope readers will glean from this new book. I wanted to begin my new book with a quote from someone who had experience horrific loss and saw the possibility of hope and meaning. “Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn’t people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?” —Rose Kennedy
  12. My dear, I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry for you and your family too. Right now the best advice I can give you is to take this one day at a time. Try not to think if how it will be a week, a month, a year or many years from now. Just focus on staying in the present and getting through whatever needs to be done today. I encourage both you and your mother to experience and to express the full range of your emotions, and know that feelings aren't the same as facts. Reassure her that she is not alone, and together with your family, you will find a way to get through this. Grief is a process, not a single event, and it takes time to get your bearings and to figure out how to get from here to where you're going to be. We are here to act as guides along the way, and to offer reliable information, comfort and support. I also invite you to read the following: Helping a Grieving Parent
  13. On millennial grief: ‘I didn’t want to be brave. I just wanted my mum back’ Before she died, my mother asked me to find a support group – but there were none for twentysomethings like me. Could I start my own? Read on here >>>
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