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Everything posted by MartyT

  1. My dear Kay, so many of us have been where you are now, and we know how much this hurts. To place the needs of your beloved Arlie before your own is a most selfless act of love. I am so sorry. How I wish the lifespan of our beloved companions would match our own, but that is not meant to be. I hope that the love you share with Arlie will bring you comfort, and that when you think of him, love is what you'll remember most. ♥
  2. We're all thinking of you and Arlie today, dear Kay. ♥
  3. Debi, my dear, you say that you feel overwhelmed talking about this, and I understand your feeling as if you want to delete this topic and your account as well. While I am certainly willing to do that for you, I hope you will consider staying here with us. You don't have to share anything further with us unless and until you feel ready and willing to do so. I can assure you that, for many of us, being mad is easier than feeling sad, and that may be what is going on with you now. The thing about grief is that it changes, and how you are feeling now is not how you'll be feeling days, weeks and months from now. The trick is to lean into whatever it is you are feeling and allow yourself to face it and sit with it, because it takes more energy to bury our feelings than it does to acknowledge and experience them. It also helps to know that feelings are not facts. We simply cannot help what we feel. We can, however, exert some control over what we DO with our feelings. As long as our feelings aren't causing harm to ourselves or to anyone else, we are wise simply to allow ourselves to have them, knowing that sooner or later they will pass. And if we feel stuck in what we are feeling, it helps to share them with someone outside ourselves, because doing that can help us to look at our feelings more objectively, without judgment or reproach. In any event, if after giving it some careful thought, you still want me to delete this thread and cancel your membership, all you have to do is ask. ♥
  4. My friend, I'm afraid the only "real help" we can offer you is to acknowledge that your loss of Kingpin is worthy of grief and to assure you that the pain you're feeling is real. No one here will ever tell you that Kingpin was "just a dog." Clearly he was your faithful companion, your "long-time loyal pal and cuddle-buddy." Is it any wonder that you feel the way you do? Instead of judging yourself for not following the so-called "steps to help you cope", I suggest that you simply lean into the pain and allow yourself to feel every bit of it, as a measure of how very much you have lost. Actually it takes more energy to avoid the pain of grief than it does to give in to it ~ and I promise you that the intensity of it will diminish over time. I invite you to tell us more about your Kingpin. What was special about him? Can you share a picture or two? And how did you come to name him "Kingpin"? I"m sure there's a story there, and we would love to hear it! You've already taken an important step toward coping with your grief, my friend, and that is to surround yourself with others who've been where you are now: animal lovers who know first-hand what it is to love and cherish an animal companion, and who know from our own experience how painful it is to lose one. You are among such kindred spirits here, and you are not alone in your pain. ♥
  5. There are some alternatives to colonoscopy, Kay, and some screening tests can be done at home. See, for example, https://www.ajmc.com/focus-of-the-week/alternative-to-colonoscopy-is-now-in-medicares-star-ratings
  6. When you feel up to it, Cindy, you may find one or more of these articles helpful as you guide your grandson through these difficult losses: Children, Teens & Grief ~ but always remember that the best way to take care of your grandchild's grief is to take care of your own grief first. ♥
  7. I thought of you, dear Kay, when I read this: The Invisible Emotional Burden of Caring for A Sick Pet ♥
  8. Cindy, my dear, my heart reaches out to you in the wake of this unspeakable loss ~ and this on top of losing your son-in-law to suicide. It's good that you've found your way to us, as we can offer reliable information, comfort and support ~ but you are wise to be looking for in-person grief support in your own community as well. You are suffering with two very traumatic deaths, and I hope you will find a grief counselor whose practice includes a trauma-informed approach to loss. (You may find this article helpful. Although the circumstances are different, Dr. Neimeyer's response to this bereaved mom may speak to you in a helpful way: Deadly Car Accident Takes Two Daughters.) There are two sources of support that I also want to recommend to you: The Compassionate Friends (local chapter here) and Explaining Suicide to A Child I know that you can only take in just so much information right now, so I don't want to overwhelm you with more than you can digest. Still, I think it's essential that you avail yourself of all the resources you can find ~ and if you're too overwhelmed with grief, with work and with caring for your grandson, perhaps there is a close relative or good friend who could do some of this research for you. This is way too much for you to be managing all alone.
  9. There simply isn't any time that's "right" Kay. That's what makes it so difficult to endure . . .
  10. I don't know how you're going to get through this either, dear Kay, but I know that you will find a way. And I know that we will be with you, every step of the way. You are not alone in this. Our hearts and prayers are with you ♥
  11. And you'll find many such services listed here: Caregiving In Serious Illness: Suggested Resources
  12. I know from my own experience how hard it is to make these kinds of plans, dear Kay, but I respect and admire your willingness to do so. ♥
  13. From Pat Kriesel, Office Administrator, HOPE For Bereaved, Inc.: Below is the link to the August 2019 HOPELine. May you find comfort and peace in its article. Have a pleasant and safe rest of the summer, Love & hugs - Pat https://hopeforbereaved.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/HOPElineAugust201906192019.pdf Pat Kriesel, Office Administrator HOPE For Bereaved, Inc. (315)475-9675 Fax 475-3298 Email- pkriesel@hopeforbereaved.com
  14. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know from personal experience how painful it can be to lose a friendship that you thought was so special. Ambiguous Loss is yet another form of grief, and it hurts a lot ~ especially when you have no idea how or why it is happening. You might find this article helpful: Unresolved Grief: When A Loved One Is Missing ♥
  15. This from Nan Zastrow of Wings - A Grief Education Ministry: NEW SUMMER ELETTER FROM WINGS This is a FREE quarterly ELetter for the bereaved and caregivers. It’s a compliment to Wings when you pass it on and share it with your friends. Please feel free to do so. Here is the link: http://www.wingsgrief.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/07/ELetter-Summer-2019-1.pdf Here is Page 1—a Preview of this issue! Nan & Gary Zastrow nanwings1@gmail.com the founders of: wingsgrief.orgWings--a Grief Education Ministry Visit Wings on FACEBOOK website: wingsgrief.org
  16. I hope you're also taking lots of pictures of Arlie, Kay ~ and do share some of them with all of us!
  17. My friend, I am so sorry. Although the individual circumstances are different, I invite you to read this, in hopes that it will speak to you in a helpful way: Pet Loss: A Family Deals with An Accidental Death ♥
  18. It sounds as if you're doing the very best you can under very trying circumstances, my dear, and I would encourage you to continue as you are. Since your brother does have lunch once a month with his minister, would that be a person you could talk with, to share some of your concerns and agree on some consistent approaches you all can take? Given how you describe him, I'm not surprised that an in-person grief support group did not appeal to him. You say that his therapist encouraged him to see a grief counselor, which tells me that his therapist knows that s/he is neither skilled nor qualified to address the source of your brother's distress. You also ask is there is any way to convince him that he's not being helped if he withholds his true feelings from his therapist. You might share this article with him (you can send him a link to it, via email) if you think he will read it: Seeing A Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? ~ and notice the additional resources listed at the end. ♥
  19. My dear, the only suggestion I can add to the solid ones you've received from our members is this: You might encourage all the family members involved here to meet together as a group, and then "brainstorm" together some of the ways you all might deal with your brother's situation and his needs. Consistency is key, it seems to me, in how you respond to your brother (that is, who can do what for him and how often, for example), so that you're all in agreement as to what support is reasonable and fair, given all the other family responsibilities you all have. Although the situation is different, you may find this article helpful: In Grief: Setting Clear Boundaries ♥
  20. MartyT


    My friend, I doubt if there is anything I can say to ease the load of guilt and regret that you are carrying on your shoulders ~ but as I read your description of your Rhyley's behavior and your Herculean efforts to diagnose and treat whatever was going on with her, it seems to me that you did everything humanly possible to fix her, all to no avail. Regardless of the results of the endoscopic biopsy on Tuesday, the fact remains that she was clearly not well and probably suffering. When an animal stops eating and drinking, becomes limp and lethargic, sleeps most of the time, and does not respond to the medications you've been trying for nearly a month, I think it's safe to conclude that regardless of the cause, her body was shutting down. Would if have been better to ignore the signs that were so obvious to you over the past three weeks, just to keep her alive long enough to confirm an already suspected diagnosis of cancer? Sometimes I think that, with all the medical tools at our disposal today, instead of prolonging the lives of our beloved animal companions who are so seriously ill, we are in fact prolonging their dying. Your concern over waiting too long vs. "doing it too soon" is the dilemma we all face in circumstances such as yours. In the end, we try our best to put the needs of our companions (to end their pain and suffering) above our own needs to keep them here (to spare us the pain and suffering of losing them). There is simply no way to go through this without some measure of uncertainty, guilt and regret. See, for example, Guilt in the Wake of The Euthanasia Decision ~ including the Related Articles and Resources you'll find listed at the base ~ and I hope that you will find a way to forgive yourself for doing the right thing for your beloved Rhyley. ♥
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