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Everything posted by MartyT

  1. I'm so sorry, Simon, and we know how much this hurts. It is when you decide to end the suffering for Maz that your own suffering begins. It is a most painful but selfless act of love. ❤️
  2. This from Nan Zastrow of Wings - A Grief Education Ministry: What do you think? The holiday season isn’t far off and coping can be especially difficult if it’s the first year after the death. Some people find comfort in maintaining honored family traditions; and for others, this may be unbearably painful. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate. Avoiding the grief/pain will only make it harder. The best way to cope is to plan ahead. Will you cherish the old memories? Or create something new? What ideas, rituals, or traditions can you share with our readers that can honor the memories and comfort the bereaved this year. Please respond by Oct. 21, 2019 Nan & Gary Zastrow nanwings1@gmail.com the founders of: wingsgrief.orgWings--a Grief Education Ministry Visit Wings on FACEBOOK website: wingsgrief.org
  3. It seems to me, my dear, that if you had taken your baby to the vet earlier in the day, it's entirely possible that Charlotte would have died anyway ~ but in the cold, clinical setting of a veterinary office instead of at home with you, where she knew she was safe and warm and dearly loved. So many animal lovers (like Kay and her Arlie) are faced with the euthanasia decision, which engenders enormous guilt: Was it done too soon, or did I wait too long? And when it happens as it did with your precious Charlotte, as her mom you feel entirely responsible for her care and guilty for not being clairvoyant enough to know your baby's body was shutting down and she was dying. Truly this is not your fault, and I see nothing you could have done to save your baby. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope it brings you some comfort knowing that you are here with us ~ fellow animal lovers who know how much this hurts ❤️
  4. I'm so sorry, my friend. It seems as if this little one was not healthy enough to thrive ~ but clearly you made whatever time he had as special and as loving as possible, and I hope you can take some comfort from that. ❤️
  5. Love it! Kiro must have been a real character!
  6. Absolutely precious! Thank you so much for sharing these darling photos of your fur baby, Kathy. Your Kiro is adorable, and it's obvious that he was one contented feline. I know that he has left a huge, Kiro-sized hole in your heart ~ but that's where your love for him lives now. ❤️ May I ask, how did you come by that unusual name for him?
  7. I'm so sorry, Kathy, to learn of the tragic death of your dearest Kiro. When we lose someone dearly loved, it's important to distinguish between letting go of the one who died, and letting go of the pain associated with the loss. Of course you rail against the idea of letting go of your Kiro! What would happen if, instead of focusing on letting him go, you focused on letting go of the pain? I encourage you to do whatever you can to keep your love of Kiro alive in your heart and preserve your precious memories of him. The love you shared with him lives on, because love does not die, and neither does the close relationship you still have with him. You can love and remember him in spirit, and I cannot imagine why you would want to let go of that! Still, it is the pain of losing him that troubles you now, and I promise you that your pain will diminish over time ~ especially if you DO allow yourself to remember him with love. What might you do to preserve your memories? See, for example, Memorializing Pets We Have Lost ~ and might you share a picture of him here with all of us?
  8. Bob, my dear, I very much doubt that the elective procedure you describe is what killed your little angel Kiwi. It is far more likely that it was the underlying disease (congestive heart failure perhaps?) that caused her death. When you feel ready and able to do so, you might consider having a visit with Kiwi's veterinarian, who is the person best qualified to explain what really happened here. I don't mean to diminish your pain in any way ~ what you are feeling is most certainly understandable, even if the guilt you're carrying isn't justified. When someone you love dies ~ despite all your best efforts to save her, and no matter how much money you spent ~ it is only human to feel enormous guilt for what you did or failed to do ~ and the pain and grief you're experiencing is in direct proportion to the love and level of attachment you feel toward your beloved Kiwi. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I wish for peace and healing to your broken heart. I invite you to do a bit of reading, if only to reassure you that what you're feeling is normal. See, for example, Pet Loss: A Disenfranchised Grief Pet Loss: Why Does It Hurt So Much? Pet Loss: Is It a Different Kind of Grief? Pet Loss: When Guilt Overshadows Grief
  9. Writing As A Healing Tool in Grief ❤️
  10. You may find this article helpful ~ and note the additional ones listed at the base: In Grief: Supporting A Partner in Mourning ♥
  11. That character in Li'l Abner would be Joe Btfsplk, Karen. We know him well ❤️
  12. You feel what you feel, and there is nothing "stupid" about it. When you first posted here two years ago about the death of your friend, you said that you had lots of support from your parents and friends ~ but perhaps a session or two with a qualified grief counselor would be of benefit now. You see, if we don't deal with grief effectively, it has a way of just sitting there, waiting patiently until something happens to call our attention to it again. Grief doesn't "go" anywhere; it sticks with us and finds a way to make us notice it until we take the time to unpack it, process it and come to terms with it. It seems as if this young man's death has left you with some degree of unfinished business, and I think a session or two with a qualified grief counselor could help you deal with this. And I assure you, he or she would not think you are "silly even talking about it after this long." Think of this as a gift you can give to yourself.
  13. Thank you for keeping us posted, Gwen. I'm so sorry for all the anxiety and pain you are experiencing. I can only repeat what Dee has said already. ♥
  14. Excellent advice, Kay. Stormy, you might appreciate this article: In Grief: After Caregiving Ends, Who Am I?
  15. Kay, dear heart, a wise man once said that the worst grief in the world is the grief that you are feeling now. And isn't that the truth? ♥
  16. That is exactly how I felt about my cockapoo Muffin when he died, Kay. I loved him more than any dog I'd ever had, up until that point in my life. It took me ten years before I felt ready and able to give my heart to another dog. Then along came Beringer ~ a totally different dog, and without a doubt the best dog I've ever had (and in my seven decades, I've had a number of them, all of different breeds, including those of the Heinz 57 variety)! I think that if a person is an animal lover by nature, as I know you are, once you commit to bringing another dog into your home, you are bound to fall in love again ~ and that love will grow. Yes, you are deep in the midst of mourning Arlie, and that is as it should be. Stay where you are. You know from your own experience that, like everything else, grief changes, and you will not always feel the way you're feeling today. ♥
  17. I missed them, too, Kay ~ not sure why. (I take it as my responsibility to read each and every post in these forums, and I know that KayC takes it upon herself to do the same.) Thank you, Maylissa, for your kind and thoughtful response ~ and I agree with you completely in your recommending Kim Sheridan's beautiful book. It wasn't until I read Animals and The Afterlife that I came to appreciate that rats can be such wonderful and loving companions too. ♥
  18. You don't say how old you are, Naomi, or what has been your past experience with significant loss. If you've yet to know that kind of grief, it's understandable that you may be living in fear of it. It is fear of the unknown, which can be quite powerful. Still, it is a feeling ~ and it helps to recognize that feelings are not facts. We cannot control what we feel, but we do have some control over what we can DO with our feelings, and over the choices we make in the face of those feelings. You are noticing the fact that your father is not immortal and you are acknowledging the fact that one day he will die. So the question you might ask yourself is that, given those facts, and given the fact that your dad is still alive and well, how might you use best whatever time you have with your father NOW and in the days ahead? How might you reveal to your dad the love you have for him NOW, while he is still here with you? Ask yourself: What do you most love about your dad? What lessons have you learned from him? What have you enjoyed about your life together with him? How might you express your gratitude for his love and support as he provided for you and the rest of your family? Is there any unfinished business between the two of you, or anything that requires forgiveness? If so, how might you go about discussing any of that with him? You might also do some reading on how to make the most of the time you have with your dad. One outstanding book that comes to mind is The Four Things That Matter Most : A Book About Living by Ira Byock, MD. From Amazon's description of its contents: Four simple phrases -- "Please forgive me," "I forgive you," "Thank you," and "I love you" -- carry enormous power. In many ways, they contain the most powerful words in our language. These four phrases provide us with a clear path to emotional wellness; they guide us through the thickets of interpersonal difficulties to a conscious way of living that is full of integrity and grace. In The Four Things That Matter Most, Dr. Ira Byock, an international leader in palliative care, teaches us how to practice these life-affirming words in our day-to-day lives. Too often we assume that the people we love really know we love them. Dr. Byock reveals the value of stating the obvious and provides insights into how we burden ourselves by hanging on to old grudges unconsciously and unnecessarily. He shows us how to avoid living with those awkward silences and uncomfortable issues that distance us from the people we love and erode our sense of well-being and joy. His insights and stories help us to forgive, appreciate, love, and celebrate one another more fully . . . With practical wisdom and spiritual punch, The Four Things That Matter Most gives us the language and guidance to honor and experience what really matters most in our lives every day.
  19. Timing is everything, Kay. If and when you are ready to give your heart and home to another, you will know it, and you will act upon it.
  20. For what it's worth, Tara, when I was a child, my own father had the same attitude about opening our hearts and our home to a new pet after one of our dogs or cats had died. He believed that the best path to healing such a loss was to bring another animal into our home as soon as possible, and that is what we did. As he wrote in a piece that was published in the newspaper after his beloved dog Moose had died: "It would be easy to say, 'There will never be another dog like dear, good Moose.' But that's nonsense . . . because as long as love, in its broadest and best meaning exists, just so long will there be good dogs, and good people - and all of them good for each other." ♥
  21. One thing to remember is that we humans have an infinite capacity to love, and we are quite capable of expanding our hearts to make room for another animal companion to love. It all depends on your own readiness and willingness to open your heart to another. As Kay said, just be sure you allow yourselves time to acknowledge and to mourn the loss of your cat who has died. Any new pet deserves to be known and loved for itself, and not as a replacement for the one who came before. You might also take into account whether all the members of your family are on the same page about this. See, for example, Replacing a Pet Who Has Died: When Is It Time?
  22. Maggie, my dear, my heart reaches out to you in your pain. Your need to keep your beloved daughter alive in memory is normal and certainly understandable, and I encourage you to keep doing whatever brings you comfort in that regard. Just this morning I read an article by a woman whose mother died ten years ago; you may appreciate reading how she manages to maintain her bond with her mom even today: Reflections on Grief: Ten Years Later As for talking about your mom with others, here's another article I encourage you to read: I Don't Care How Long It's Been And if you find yourself needing to be in person among others who've lost a child, you might look into whether there is a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends in your local community. See Find A Local Chapter ♥
  23. Yes, Karen ~ We are thinking of you and hope for the best for your Tatum . . . ♥
  24. I'm so sorry, Kay. I know from personal experience how an incident like this can destroy your trust. When my boys were younger, we lived next door to a family with a black Lab. My boys would always warn me about that dog, telling me how he had tried to bite them at times when they were over there playing with the other kids. But I knew better. After all, like you, I've been a dog lover all my life, and I just KNEW that this guy would never bite ME. Until the day I encountered him on my front porch, knelt down to say hello, and he bit me on my arm. I was absolutely stunned ~ not seriously hurt, but stunned. Whatever trust I'd had all my life up to that point went right out the window. I learned my lesson that day, and I've been far more cautious around other people's dogs ever since ~ most especially around those not raised by me. Have you considered reporting this to Animal Control? I was hesitant to do so when this happened to me, but at the time, my physician father told me that such an incident should be reported ~ especially if you don't know whether the dog has been vaccinated against rabies. At the very least, you should ask his owner if he's up to date on his vaccinations.
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