MartyT

Chai, you said, and Deb, you said, Would you consider adding these selections to our Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart page? Just go to the bottom of the page where you'll see a place to Leave a Reply . . .

Chai, dear, I don't know if you've read this article yet, but it offers some very helpful information on this topic: I Don't Care How Long It's Been -- Can We Talk about My Loved One? by Bob Baugher. Also, I want to be sure that you are aware of this organization, National Students of AMF, whose mission is “to support all college students with an ailing or deceased loved one, empower all college students to fight back against terminal illness, and raise awareness about the needs of grieving college students . . . by developing chapters of Students of AMF on college campuses nationwide, providing information and support through our website, awarding leadership scholarships, distributing research grants, conducting conferences on college student bereavement, and holding fundraising events . . ." Read more about AMF in this thread: Grief Support Group Helping College Students

My dear friend, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved Golden, Jakey. What a handsome fellow! I know that no one can fill that Jakey-sized hole in your heart or take away the pain that you are feeling right now, but I can assure you that you don't have to endure it all alone. If you've not already done so, I hope you will take the time to explore the pages of my Grief Healing Web site, which offers lots of useful information, comfort, and support. Doing so will help you to better understand what you are feeling right now. See especially the links I've listed on the Pet Loss Articles page. You say that Jakey died two days ago. I don't know what, if any, sort of ceremony you held, but as a bereavement counselor, I can tell you that planning and participating in a memorial service can bring great satisfaction to those who mourn the loss of a cherished companion animal. Such a service makes the fact of the death more real, gives family members the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings about the lost pet, and enables everyone to reflect on and acknowledge the important role the animal played in their lives. A memorial service may be held at any time after the pet's death, and its function is to remember and to celebrate the loved one's life. Oftentimes the mood is positive and uplifting. A service for a much loved pet can be as small and private or as open and elaborate as a person or family wishes, and a memorial service can be delayed as long as its planning requires. There is a passage from Robert Fulghum's book, Uh-Oh that I just love -- it's about his first experience holding a funeral for a friend's dog. It's posted on my Web site's Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page, but I've cut and pasted it here for you: . . . We did indeed gather on that Sunday morning in August — thirty of us — and told stories that were as much about us as Gyda [the dog]. Mostly about the attachments possible between living creatures when they are patient with one another. We buried her ashes under a rhododendron bush that’s planted in a barrel on her owners’ back porch. I always nod in her direction when I pass by. Gyda. The grand old virgin aunt in the dog suit. My seminary training didn’t cover how to perform a dog funeral. It takes a real dog to teach that. And when the pupil is ready, the teacher appears. — Robert Fulghum, in Uh-Oh And there is this, which I have posted on my Comfort for Grieving Hearts page, also by Robert Fulghum: On Wednesday morning, the family stayed home from work and school. Snowball was driven to the vet and put to sleep painlessly. Placed in her favorite sleeping place— an old brown-leather house slipper, which was put in a small, lidded basket lined with straw and placed in the front seat between Lucy and her dad. The family car became a hearse for the ride home. Snowball, the tiny wonder dog from South America, living under an assumed name and disguised as a Guinea pig, was laid to rest in a grave dug underneath the willow tree in the backyard. Lucy and her mom and dad thanked Snowball for all the good times and filled in the grave. And marked it with a large flat stone on which Lucy had written in paint: “Happy Days, Snowball.” This story, of course, is not about pets. It’s about any life and death. It’s about the deep attachments we make to other living things. It’s about the obligatory rituals of hello and good-bye when we become attached to the life around us. And it’s about how we help children understand the basic lessons of existence. To an outsider, Snowball was just a Guinea pig. But Snowball was also a teacher from whom Lucy learned about responsibility, affection, reproduction, imagination, sorrow, and death. Lucy’s grandmother is dying now, and Snowball made dealing with that easier for everyone in the family. Snowball, Grandma, Mother, Father, and someday Lucy. It is the way of living things. All of them. Now Lucy knows. — Robert Fulghum, in From Beginning to End: The Rituals of Our Lives See also the resources listed on my site's Memorializing a Pet page. The suggestions I've included below are adapted from one of the lessons contained in an online e-mail course I've written; you can get a sense of it at Course Overview: Pet Loss, A Different Grief. Any one of these ideas may spark your own imagination as you think of ways to memorialize Jakey: - Reminisce with family members or friends who knew Jakey. Talk about the funny or silly (or annoying!) habits he had. Such reflections will help you plan your own unique ceremony of remembrance, and will help you express and work through your grief as well. - Make a special place in your home, yard or workplace that acknowledges and honors Jakey's life — a place where you can go (or be) and remember your lost friend. - Involve the whole family in the planning of the memorial service for Jakey. Make it as simple or as elaborate as you like and invite whomever you choose, as long as it meets your need to express and share your sorrow, pay tribute to your deceased pet and support one another as you say goodbye. - Write an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a farewell letter, an obituary or a eulogy for Jakey. (See, for example, the story about my dad writing an obituary for his beloved dog, Moose: Memorializing a Cherished Pet.) If you don't want to write for someone else, you can keep a private journal and write about your feelings as you journey through your grief. Say what you are feeling, what you will miss most, what you will always remember with fondness. Say what the relationship gave you and tell how your life will be influenced by having known and loved Jakey. - Share anecdotes and favorite stories about Jakey. Sometimes others need permission to talk about your deceased pet. Better to keep the memory of your beloved pet alive than pretend that nothing has changed. - Decorate a candle and light it in memory of your cherished pet. - Purchase a book — perhaps a children's book — on coping with the loss of a pet, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed "In memory of Jakey." - Make a memorial shadow box or scrapbook. - Save something that belonged to Jakey (collar, tags, food and water dishes; bed or blanket; toys; a clipping of fur or baby teeth.) - Carry a clipping of fur in a tiny container or locket. - Collect all the snapshots of Jakey in a memory box, an album or a collage. Frame a favorite picture of him and display it in a special place. Give a copy as a gift to another grieving family member. Have a professional portrait of him painted or drawn by an artist from a favorite photograph. Have a favorite picture of him imprinted on a watch, mug, stein, T-shirt or sweatshirt. - Buy a statue or a stuffed animal that reminds you of Jakey, and put his collar around its neck. If ever Jakey's grave must be left behind because of a move, take a picture of the grave site before you move, and keep that in a special place that can be visited instead. Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to him. Mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker or statue. - If enough combings, wool or fur clippings from your pet have been saved, they can be cleaned, spun into yarn, and made into an afghan, garment or rug. - Inscribe a plaque or nameplate with Jakey's name, years of birth and death, and whatever else you choose to write in tribute. Put the plaque on a framed photograph or wooden memory box, hang it on the wall, attach it to a garden bench or other piece of furniture, or display it near his grave. - Make a donation in Jakey's honor to a pet grief support service, to a favorite animal charity or organization, to a special service organization or to a research foundation. (The cause of your dog's death may guide you in this choice.) - Volunteer for work in a pet grief support service, an animal shelter, humane organization, or other "people helping animals / animals helping people" program. Become an active member of the local Humane Society. Join or help start a pet grief support helpline, group or service in the community. See also these resources: "Funerals for Pets?" at http://www.griefhealing.com/article-funerals-for-pets.htm "Pet Loss Support, Monday Candle Ceremony and Rainbow Bridge" at http://www.petloss.com I hope these suggestions help, my friend. Obviously I think there is great benefit in learning all you can about the grief that accompanies pet loss and how to manage it, as well as memorializing a cherished pet, and I hope you'll share with us your plans to remember your faithful friend.

Leeann, I am by no means an expert in the technical stuff, but I think your problem may have to do with cookies (the text files that Web sites store on your computer to identify you when you come back to them). You might try clearing your cache (the place where Internet Explorer saves copies of Web pages that you've accessed, to make things faster if you look at the same page again). If you use Vista, you clear it by starting Internet Explorer, then clicking on Tools, then Internet Options, then choosing the appropriate button under the General tab. I'm not sure how it works in XP, but I imagine the process is similar. Another thing I always try when things stop working properly is to re-boot the computer ~ oftentimes that helps to clear out pesky problems like this. Let us know if any of these approaches works for you.

Kay, dear, have you thought of any ways that you could memorialize Lucky, as a way of paying tribute to her? It's really never too late to do that, you know, and it may help you to feel better about "giving her the time and attention she needs." See, for example, Delayed Grief: Parent Loss and Pet Loss Funerals for Pets? Memorializing a Cherished Pet

Kay, dear ~ I want to gently suggest that your feeling hurt and sad instead of angry is an indication that you are being honest with yourself and with us, and that you are in touch with your genuine feelings of grief and loss, despite what anyone else thinks you "should" or "shouldn't" feel. Remember that for some, being angry may be preferable to feeling the underlying hurt and pain of loss. You feel what you feel. Get in touch with those feelings, accept them for what they are, express them in any way that feels right to you, and one day you'll be able to let them go. It's only when we try to suppress or deny what we're really feeling that we get into trouble. We know this is hard, but you're doing just fine, dear one.

It makes perfect sense, and it's a powerful insight, Temmie. In the end, it's all in how we choose to look at things, isn't it? You are discovering one of the most important lessons in loss ~ that everything in this earthly life of ours is transitory and temporary . . .

This song isn't on our Grief Songs page, but it certainly is one that moved me to tears. Go to this Web site, scroll to the bottom of the page, and click on the "play" link after the song entitled Live for Me. Here are the lyrics to the song: Live for Me If I could, I would tell you that I love you, And that I chose to spend the time I had with you. If I could, I would tell you that you are not to blame – For all was written in the stars, so long ago… If I could I would tell you that I love you, And just how much our time together meant to me - How I remember every kiss, and the loving arms that held me I’d beg of you, please don’t forget to live! LIVE FOR ME! Don’t take a moment for granted – Every breath you take and every friend you make is a precious, precious gift - LIVE FOR ME! Open up your heart and let the people that surround you Help you love again -- LOVE and LIVE for me!!! If I could, I would tell you that I love you, And I remember every precious moment shared – I would ask you to release, any pain that still remains And fill your heart with peace and love for you and me If I could, I would tell you that I love you, I would hold your hand and tell you that I’m fine. ‘Cause here I play with the angels, and I even dance with God And the love and light I feel is all I need! LIVE FOR ME! Don’t take a moment for granted – Every breath you take and every friend you make is a precious, precious gift - LIVE FOR ME! Open up your heart and let the people that surround you Help you love again -- LOVE and LIVE for me!!! Forgive yourself and love yourself and Love all those around you --- in memory of me – LIVE FOR ME! Your life is a gift of mine as much as it is yours – So please, please, LIVE and LOVE for Me!

Kath, you said, That is such a great question ~ Would you be willing to post it in our Loss of a Parent or Grandparent forum, too?

Shelley, dear, I'm so sorry for your loss ~ Please convey our deepest sympathy to your friend, and you already know that we will welcome her with open arms, should she decide to join us here.

And you shall have them, Mel ~ from all of us

I'm so pleased to learn that you're all using our new Grief Songs page ~ it truly is a wonderful mix of all those beautiful songs and videos we have recommended to one another ~ something for every taste ~ and I think it's a lovely reflection of what makes our GH family so special. If you've not yet visited this page, please do so ~ and I hope you'll think of it as one of our precious gifts to each other, and now to the rest of the world: Grief Songs: Music for the Grieving Heart

Teny, our dear friend from far away, you and your family are in our hearts and in our prayers, always

Kay and Wendy, I believe that many others will profit and learn so much from your willingness to share so openly and so honestly what you are thinking and feeling as you go through these gut-wrenching experiences. I, for one, am deeply grateful to you both, and honored that you trust us enough to share your stories here with all of us. Bless you both.

This heartwarming bit of news comes to us from The Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee (eTrunklines Newsletter, January 2009) Tarra & Bella -- Oh My! On Friday, January 2nd, Steve Hartman of CBS News with Katie Couric aired a wonderful little story about Tarra and Bella's unique relationship. Of course, Sanctuary supporters have known about this beautiful friendship for years... but nothing could have prepared us for what would happen when Tarra and Bella entered America's living room one night. The Sanctuary has been absolutely overwhelmed with calls and emails from people who were deeply touched by their story. And that was before the video began spreading like wildfire on the internet. Nearly two weeks later, Tarra and Bella are the #1 ranked video on the CBS News website, and various channels featuring the video clip on YouTube have amassed more than a million hits all over the world... and still counting! It appears that Tarra, the inspiration for The Elephant Sanctuary, is not finished with her mission just yet. Fourteen years later, she is sparking a whole new wave of awareness and understanding about elephants--underscoring their social, sensitive, passionately intense, playful, complex, and exceedingly intelligent lives. We can't help but hope this is a positive sign for captive elephants in 2009. Way to go, Tarra! Watch the video clip here: Learn more about The Elephant Sanctuary here: http://www.elephants.com/ If you'd like to receive e-Trunklines, the Elephant Sanctuary's monthly email updates newsletter, you can add your name to the mailing list here: https://app.e2ma.net/app/view:Join/signupId...ilingId:1493622

An update from Michele Neff Hernandez, Founder, Widowsbond.com and Director, Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation: The Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation team is approaching 2009 with eager anticipation…we can’t wait to see you at the first EVER National Conference on Widowhood. We have an exceptional line up of speakers who will be speaking about topics YOU care about. Visit http://www.sslf.org/c_speakers.html for information on our fantastic speakers’ panel. We have partnered with the San Diego Symphony to bring you a “Musical Evening Under the Stars,” featuring the fabulous San Diego Symphony, who will be joined by a variety of musical guests. Proceeds will benefit a unique initiative in support of improving the condition of global widowhood…and your ticket to this amazing evening is included with your registration (for as long as tickets last)! Professionals in need of continuing education credit can join us for our Pre-Conference event scheduled for Friday, July 17th. We welcome Tom Golden LCSW, Dr. Michele Reiss Ph D, Pamela Gabbay MA FT, and Carla Fine, author of No Time to Say Goodbye; Surviving the Suicide of Someone You Love. Each workshop presentation will be three hours in length, and our bookstore, run by the Centering Corporation, will be available during the lunch break.Contact info@sslf.org for workshop topics and registration information. You don’t want to miss this first of its kind event. Whether you are a new widow/ widower, a widow/widower who has walked a bit further down the path, a widow/widower who has remarried and is living a new and full life, a support person of a widow or widower, a bereavement professional, or a member of the clergy…we have something at this conference that will touch and inspire you. Together our energy can make a positive change in the world. Join us as we put one foot in front of the other toward the goal of living life with joy and hope.

Thank you, Wendy ~ the video is magnificent. (This song is already among the ones we've listed on our new Web page, Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart. Please feel free to go and spend some time there, just listening to the beautiful collection we've all put together . . .)

Dear Ones, I'm pleased to see that some of you have already begun using our Calendar feature. Please note, however, that now we have TWO calendars we can use: the Grief Healing Discussion Groups Calendar AND the Special Days Calendar, and you must choose which calendar you intend to use before you post your event. When you want to post an event (such as your loved one's birthday or death day), make sure that you have selected the Special Days Calendar instead of the other one, which by default shows the birthdays of all our registered (living) members. Please read the instructions I've posted, and make sure you follow each step as written ~ otherwise you may find that your event is posted on the wrong calendar. If you have any questions about this new feature, please don't hesitate to post them here, so we all can benefit from the same information!

The following request was posted by KayC in our Loss of a Spouse, Partner, or Significant Other forum on January. 10, 2009 http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=28112: I often wished this site had a calendar that would have our "death date", our "anniversary", both of our birthdays...maybe even another place we could add a day that was special to us. It would be nice if we could remember those days to encourage or uplift each other...sometimes I find that people avoid saying anything on those days because they don't want to remind us...ha! Like we need reminding! We never forget, and someone acknowleging it actually makes me feel better, not worse. I wonder, would it be possible for this site to have such a thing as a calendar we could record these things on? It lets us know of our birthdays, but it'd be nice if at the bottom of that part of the site it would put the applicable events, not just birthdays. In response to Kay’s request, I’ve just added a SPECIAL DAYS CALENDAR to our Discussion Groups site. This calendar is in addition to the one we have already (which by default displays our members’ birthdays). You can use this calendar to post the birth day and death day of your loved one, or any other day that was special for the two of you and that you’d like all of us to remember with you. If you are not familiar with our Calendar feature, notice that, at the very top of the main page, on the right side of the page, there are links entitled: Calendar Members Search Help If you click on the Calendar link, you’ll be taken to our Grief Healing Discussion Groups Calendar page, which displays the current month and the names of members whose birthdays occur in that particular month. Scroll down to the bottom of the page, until you see in the middle blue bar, Calendar Jump. Click on the down arrow, and in the drop-down list that appears, click on Special Days. This takes you to our new calendar, created especially for the purpose that Kay describes above. By default, the calendar displays the current month in the large box in the center and the previous, current and next month in smaller boxes along the left side. You can advance through the months by clicking the << or >> links at the top, on either side of the name of the current month. Each week has a >> icon on the left, which you can click to view that week in a diary format. At the bottom of the page you can use the Calendar Navigation features to view the current month or the current week. The Calendar Jump, also at the bottom of the page, allows you to select a very specific month and year to display, as well as choosing which calendar to display. Events You can add a new event to the calendar by clicking one of the three links in the bottom right section marked Add New Event. An event can be: • Single – Only occurs once • Ranged – Occurs over several days/weeks/months • Recurring – Occurs several times at regular intervals Click on Add New Single Event, and you’ll be taken to the Manage Calendar Event page. The first option is to add a title for the event. This is what will appear on the calendar view. (Example: John Doe, 2007). Next, a date for the event is required. This is the calendar's date on which you want the title of your event to appear. The next option asks you to choose which calendar to add this event to and whether you want this to be a public event or one that just you can see. Make sure that Special Days is the calendar you've selected. Next you need to enter a description for the event. The rich text editor is the same as when you are adding or replying to a new topic. (You can add as much or as little text as you like; on the calendar itself, the title of your event will appear as a link to the text you've placed here.) Finally, you can choose whether or not you wish to enable emoticons in the main body. If enabled, then any textual emoticons that have an icon will be converted to that. You are cordially invited to begin using our Special Days calendar now, and if you have any trouble at all, please don’t hesitate to let me know, at tousleym@aol.com.

All fixed now, Shelley. See Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart

Bless your heart for checking, Shelley, and thank you for letting me know! I've found some other versions of the song on YouTube ~ Since this is one of your picks, is there one particular version that you like better than another? This one features Art Garfunkel (without Paul Simon): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbFEnoITiWE and this one features Clay Aiken's rendition:

Dear Ones, Please see my blog post at Self-Healing Expressions (publisher of my online e-mail courses and e-books) to see what we've done with this wonderful thread ~ and please feel free to keep adding to our list that is now posted there: Grief Songs: Music for a Grieving Heart

This article comes to us from Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stolzman, and is reprinted here with their permission: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Loveby Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. The unimaginable has happened; you are a widow or widower. Mourning your loss has been the focus of your life for the past year or two. Finally, as you begin to surface from your profound grief, with a deep breath and lot or a little trepidation you find yourself falling in love again. Is this new relationship fraught with landmines? You bet! Here are important stepping stones to help keep you afloat along the way, Do’s and Don’ts as it were for widows/widowers beginning a new, loving relationship. Perhaps you joined a bereavement support group, progressed through the stages of loss and are doing pretty well. And then, surprise … you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex. Not just someone to hear your grief, but someone who makes your heart quicken. What to do? What feels right? You are still grieving, but you’re attracted and you want to date, you’re also lonely and crave company. And yet, you feel guilty, disloyal to your late spouse. •Do take your time starting a new relationship; it’s not unusual to feel like an awkward teenager again. •Don’t rush into romance, start with friendship. How do I let my grown kids know that I want to date? How can I help them to react in a positive way? I don’t want to hurt them while they grieve their mother or father, but I also want to go on with my own life. How do I talk to them about my needs and be respectful of theirs? I know that they grieve on a different timetable. •Do be sensitive to the feelings of your children; encourage them to “speak their truth” while moving on with your life in a positive way. •Don’t flaunt your dating or sexuality in front of your children. I met someone I can see having a future with. She/he has furniture; I have furniture, how do we blend that? What do we do with family pictures? •Do be respectful in valuing the treasures of your partner. •Don’t discard family pictures; find a way to blend what is important to both of you. How do I financially protect my new partner and myself? Do we do a prenuptial agreement? What is fair? I want to leave money for my children and I also want to protect her/him, how do I do that? It’s distasteful to seek the counsel of an attorney but I feel I should do that. I have a townhouse, she has a townhouse; which townhouse do we live in? What do we do with our extra “stuff,” how much do we give away? •Do talk about your personal values, what is fair and what is important to you. •Don’t rush into legal agreements, until you have explored your feelings together. •Do listen to your partner, even if his/her ideas are different than yours. All of these questions are common and very real. You might be asking yourself: Do we like each other enough to resolve these questions. Can we come out of our own chaos and have a mutual life? •Do realize that you have two “containers” in your chest, one for your old life and one for the new. You’re adding, not subtracting. It is a tribute to your late spouse that you want another loving partner. •Don’t compare your new love to your late spouse. •Do accept that your new partner has different interests that will enable you to explore new areas of growth. •Do accept that it can be an interesting and rewarding challenge to meet each other’s friends and children. They knew your new partner as a couple and it may take patience until they learn to see you as a new partner, but one who is not trying to replace your partner’s late spouse in their eyes. A new partner and shared life is indeed a positive challenge. Many widows/widowers take on the growth and welcome new love, wanting to heal and move forward to a renewed life with joy, expectation and eagerness. Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-51-2. Lintermans and Stolzman are also the co-authors of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-48-2. THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF is a grief recovery book and includes a valuable “Healing Power of Thought” journal. This book is written in everyday language to which anyone can relate and be gently guided through this heartbreaking time. THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE is a collection of heartwarming, intimate stories of how 24 widows and widowers were able to follow their grieving with loving new relationships...a unique perspective on this subject.

The following article comes to us from Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stolzman, and is reprinted here with their permission: LOVE REVISITED:Helpful Do’s & Don’ts for the Widow/Widower Embracing New Love by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. Is it possible to mourn the loss of a beloved spouse and, while still grieving, to not only meet someone special, but fall in love and begin to build a new relationship that includes a commitment to sharing your lives? Can we overlap our loving and our grieving? The answer is a profound: YES! But, to smooth the path, keep these helpful Do’s and Don’ts in mind: •Do allow yourself the joy of healing and moving on. •Do allow yourself to feel good when this happens. •Don’t feel guilty. You have been respectful, loving and caring towards your late spouse. Time has passed. It is healthy to want your life to move forward. Try to recognize your emotions every step of the way and not shy away from inner scrutiny, or back off from facing your emotions. •Do know that it is possible to combine families with adult children no longer living at home. •Do know that it will not always be smooth sailing; there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through. Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up, even for your grown children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving? Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad; I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”. Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children. While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children living at home; children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the "daddy" or "mommy" that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges. •Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying. •Do not have a new partner or romantic interest stay overnight too soon. •Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life. •Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a string of overnight guests. •Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your youngster. •Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with. •Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such. Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be articulated but felt. Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members. Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, Champion Press, Ltd., March 2006, ISBN 1-932783-51-2. THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE is a collection of heartwarming, intimate stories of how 24 widows and widowers were able to follow their grieving with loving new relationships…a unique perspective on this subject.

Dear Ones ~ This one brings me to my knees. Sung by Josh Groban, it's the theme song from the movie, Troy. Click on the title to listen / watch on YouTube: Remember Me Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me In your memory Remember, when your dreams have ended Time can be transcended Just remember me I am the one star That keeps shining so brightly It is the last light To fade into the rising sun I’m with you Whenever you tell my story For I am all I’ve done Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me In your memory Remember me I am that warm voice In the cold wind that whispers And if you listen You’ll hear me call across the sky As long as I can still reach out And touch you Then I will never die Remember, I’ll never leave you If you will only Remember me Remember, I will still be here As long as you hold me In your memory Remember, when your dreams have ended Time can be transcended I live forever Remember me Remember me Remember me © Jr Motion Pictures Music Co. Music from the motion picture Troy Sung by Josh Groban with Tanja Tzarovska