MartyT

I think the book Derek referred to is Mars and Venus Starting Over. (See Struggles With a New Relationship.)

We're all so happy for you, Derek, and for Carson too

Leeann, dear, thank you for sharing this story. As I'm sure you know, by feeling and freely expressing your feelings of grief in the presence of your children and explaining to them what was going on with you, you've given them a very valuable lesson about life and love and loss. See also this thread: Old Favorite Spots

This announcement comes to us from Paula Patton, on behalf of Spirits in Transition: Spirits in Transitionpresents a weekend seminar on end-of-life care for animals with Holistic Veterinarian Ella Bittel September 5, 6, 7, 2008 Friday, 2:00 pm - Sunday 1:00 pm, $365. (Early Bird Special: register by July 1st for $295.) Knoxville, TN Samples of topics covered: • Re-evaluate common reasons for euthanasia • The stages of the natural dying process and its spiritual and subtle energy aspects • Supporting ourselves & grieving animals • Geriatric care & reducing the cancer risk for your pet If we want to consider hospice for our animal companions, the time to prepare is while they are still well. Contact: Paula Patton Telephone: 865-986-9500 e-mail: spiritsintransition@verizon.net Visit: www.spiritsintransition.org

This message comes to us from Sandy Goodman, bereaved mother and author of Love Never Dies: A Mother's Journey from Loss to Love: Because of identity theft in this technological age, we need to send a copy of the death certificate for anyone who dies to the three major credit bureaus so that criminals can't steal their Social Security number and use it for a new identity. I called our local funeral home and apparently, sending it to Social Security is no longer good enough. If, like me, you don't want to go into your attic or basement or wherever to find that god-awful certificate, you can call the funeral home and get a copy from them. Here are the three addresses: EQUIFAX Office of Fraud Assistance PO Box 105069 Atlanta Georgia 30348 Experian PO Box 9530 Allen TX 75013 Transunion PO Box 6790 Fullerton California 92634 If you need to verify this information, you can call the Equifax fraudline at 1 800 525-6285. -- Expect Miracles, Sandy Goodman Author of Love Never Dies: A Mother's Journey from Loss to Love Visit My Website Join Love Never Dies 4U: Open Minds, Open Hearts

Dear Mindi, I'm so very sorry to learn of the death of both your beloved Miss Kitty and Snowball from the same awful disease, and I can only imagine how empty your home and your life must seem without your faithful companions beside you. I'm not sure how you found your way to us, but if you haven't already done so, I'd like to suggest that you pay a long visit to my Grief Healing Web site: http://www.griefhealing.com, which offers information, comfort and support to those who are anticipating or mourning the death of a loved one, whether a person or a cherished companion animal. Among other things, if you take the time to visit all the pages there, you'll find a number of articles I've written on various aspects of loss (see my Articles ~ Columns ~ Books page and my Pet Loss Articles page), as well as some very special poems and inspirational pieces written by others that I've found and personally selected to share with my visitors (see the Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page). I think it's very helpful to learn all you can about the grief associated with pet loss, so you'll have a better understanding of what you are experiencing and what you can do to manage your reactions. For example, you may want to take a look at the online pet loss course I wrote -- you can get a sense of it by clicking on Course Overview: Pet Loss. On my Pet-Loss Links page I've included many, many categorized links to other soothing and helpful Web sites devoted to those who've loved and lost their animal companions and want only to help you cope with losing yours. You've already found your way to this warm and caring place, which can be very helpful in your grief journey. Sharing experiences with others this way often reassures us that, although the loss of our loved one is absolutely devastating, we are not alone in our pain, and by reading the accounts of others, we may come to realize that if others can get through such terrible losses, perhaps we will find a way to get through it, too. You say this has hit you very hard, and you've been crying a lot. I can only tell you that what you are feeling is absolutely normal, even though you may feel at times that you are crazy or losing your mind. The depth of our grief is determined by the strength of our attachment to the ones who have died, and the pain we feel at losing them is the price we pay for loving them so much. I don't know who is telling you you're crazy "for spending the money on her care," but if that is the case, you need to find someone you trust to talk to about all of this -- someone who understands and respects the relationship you had with Miss Kitty and Snowball, and who will let you get your feelings out without judging you in the process. That can be a family member or close friend, a teacher, a pastor, a neighbor, or someone on the other end of a Pet Loss Telephone Helpline. You might check with your veterinarian or pet grooming specialist to see what "in person" pet loss resources are available in your own community. For a state-by-state listing, see Moira Allen's Pet Loss Support Page. See also my site's Helplines ~ Message Boards ~ Chats page. Whatever you do, Mindi, I hope you won't try to struggle through these losses all by yourself. There is a vast assortment of help "out there" just waiting for you to find it. I hope that this information proves helpful to you, my friend. No one can take your pain away at this sad and difficult time, but I can assure you that you do not have to endure it all alone. Please know that we are thinking of you and holding you close.

Kay, my dear, you said, I look at the people on this site and so many of us have been dealt a hard lot in life...yet we are the most compassionate, understanding, caring people there are...could it be that there are tradeoffs in life? Maybe we aren't vacationing in the Bahamas, maybe we have struggles and problems and heartache, but we are superb people that have a capacity to love beyond most...and isn't that worth something? I couldn't agree with you more, as I believe this is one of the most valuable consequences of significant loss: to make us more compassionate people. Your observation reminds me of these beautiful statements I've collected over the years: When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face us with the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Henri J. M. Nouwen Only he who suffers can be the guide and healer of the suffering. ~ Thomas Mann You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. ~ Kahlil Gibran Love cures people – both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. ~ Dr. Karl Menninger Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys. ~ Alphonse de Lamartine While the experience of grief work is difficult and slow and wearing, it also is enriching and fulfilling. The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep, loving concern. ~ Roy and Jane Nichols

Kathy, dear ~ I think you might find this article helpful, too: Grief: Coping With Hidden Sorrow

Wendy, dear ~ I hope you can feel our arms around you at this difficult time in your life. I hope it brings you comfort to know that you are being held in gentle thought and prayer by so many warm and caring hearts.

This comes via e-mail from a friend concerning a June 19, 2008, news release by the FDA: "FDA Requests Seizure of Animal Food Products at PETCO Distribution Center ...The distribution center in Joliet, Ill., provides pet food products and supplies to PETCO retail stores in 16 states including Alabama, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, Ohio, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, and Wisconsin." You can read the entire news release at http://www.fda.gov/bbs/topics/NEWS/2008/NEW01854.html

For Kay's George, Bob's Linda, John's Jack, Walt's Jeannie, Jan's Dale, Kathy's Bill, Corinne's Jimmy, Deborah's Larry, my David, and all our loved ones no longer physically here with us: In the rising of the sun and in its going down, We remember them; In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter, We remember them; In the opening of the buds and in the warmth of summer, We remember them; In the rustling of leaves and the beauty of autumn, We remember them; In the beginning of the year and when it ends, We remember them; When we are weary and in need of strength, We remember them; When we are lost and sick of heart, We remember them; When we have joys we yearn to share, We remember them; So long as we live, they too shall live, For they are now a part of us, as We remember them. — From Gates of Prayer, Reform Judaism Prayer Book

Jackie, dear ~ We are holding both you and your mother in gentle thought and prayer.

Just a word of caution here, Jackie. Leeann has given you a valuable tip, but before you decide to use one of these services, just be aware that their services are not free. They charge a fee for guiding you through the process of finding the medication that's been prescribed for you, in the range of $5 to $20 per prescription. Of the three sites Leeann listed for you, the most reputable is the NAMI one. Before you decide whether to use such a service, you might find this article helpful: Shoppers' Guide to Prescription Assistance Programs.

My dear Kelly, I'm so sorry to learn of the loss of your baby; I know I speak for all of us in offering you our heartfelt sympathy. In addition to the enormous hormonal changes that are happening in your body right now, you are mourning the death of your first child ~ so it is no wonder you are feeling the way you describe. I want to refer you to an earlier post that contains a wealth of information I hope will be helpful to you, and I encourage you to take some time to explore all the sites whose links I've included in the post. Be sure to visit the Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site, too, since so many more resources have been added since I first posted that message two years ago. Click here to read the post: How to Help / Neighbor's Miscarriage. You may find this thread helpful, also: Trouble Sleeping. I'm sure you will hear from some of our other members, too, and I know that here you will find some of the compassionate companionship you deserve as you travel your own grief journey. Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT

Kim, please promise us that your birthday gift to yourself is that you will take good care of you. We are worried about you

That is just the best news EVER! Can you hear our great group shout? How blessed those kids are to have you as their dad, SD2. Hooray! We're so happy right now, and it's all your fault!

Patti, dear ~ you are in my thoughts today . . .

An outstanding reference, sync ~ thank you!

This seems a good place to share with all of you the content of a lovely message I received last month from one of our members: I just started to read "In Lieu of Flowers" by Nancy Cobb and came across this sentence, which made me think of this "Grief Healing" site: “Telling the stories, voicing the worst, questioning any and all who will understand and listen, who may have stories of their own to tell, is where the faintest glimmer of healing begins.”

Dearest Kim and Kay, you are two of the most beautiful flowers in our garden ~ how blessed we are to have you as members of our GH family. I know you did not choose to be role models for the rest of us, but that is the role you are playing nonetheless. How blessed your friends are that you are so willing to give them the precious gift of your presence, in spite of the painful reminders of your own losses that you must endure. We are humbled and honored to know you, and I hope you both know how very much you are loved.

Dear Ones ~ As a collector of words, I really like this thread. Thank you, Kathy and sync, for sharing quotations I've not heard or read before. Why don't we continue the trend? If anyone else has a quotation that really speaks to you, please feel free to post it here ~ just be sure to cite the source, please You'll find dozens of such pieces I've collected myself over the years, on the Comfort pages of my Grief Healing Web site: Comfort for Grieving Hearts Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

Dear Sync, You say that when a complete stranger offers an ear, you permit yourself to feel your feelings and you "break down." It's probably because strangers don't know you and hold no expectations for how you are "supposed to" behave around them. You've observed the power of the support you're feeling from the members here who've responded to your post ~ and this is the same power you will feel in a grief support group. No one in a grief support group (whether it's a virtual one or an "in person" one) is there to pass judgment on you. They are there for the same reason you will be there: to share their stories with one another, to learn something they may not know already about what is normal in grief, to discover more effective ways of managing it, and to support one another on their individual journey. If anyone already knew the best way to do this, trust me, there would be no need for all the books, articles, Web sites, counselors, support groups and everything else you can find devoted to the process of grief. There simply is no right or wrong way to do this, and there is no time frame for it either. Unresolved or delayed grief doesn't go anywhere ~ it just sits there and waits for us to deal with it ~ but the good news is that it's never too late to deal with it! Most men in our culture are just like you ~ socialized to be strong, in control, independent and fully capable of handling life's emotional problems without seeking any outside professional help. It's the same reason most men hate to ask for directions when they know they are lost. Somehow they think it's unmanly to admit they need help. But admitting that you cannot "do" grief by yourself is one of the most important steps you can take to heal yourself, my friend ~ and you've not only done that, you've also made plans to attend a support group and you've found a good counselor. All I can say is Good for You! And please know that here, you will always find fellow mourners who are eager to support you in any way we can.

Oh DoubleJo ~ not you too?! Enough, I say, enough! How I wish I had a magic wand in the trunk of my car that I could pull out at times like this. For now, all I can say is that I am so sorry to learn your awful news, too, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please stay close to all of us here, dear one, and know that you are not alone.

Oh Kay ~ I simply cannot express how sorry I am to learn this awful news. You are such a dear and precious soul, and you don't deserve to be treated like this ~ not by anyone, not ever. I know you need time and space to sort this out, but please know that all of us are here for you. We know what's in your heart, we know how wonderful you are, and we love you so very much. For now, just know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. I'm so, so sorry . . .

Teny, our dear friend from far away ~ I hope you know you are always in our thoughts, and held very close in our hearts