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MartyT

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  1. Good Heavens, Susan! I am so sorry to learn that your experiences were so awful. May I offer some other suggestions? First, you might want to read this post: Finding A Support Group I don't know which hospice you contacted to find a support group, but obviously it was not a good match. There are so many other outstanding grief support groups "out there," and since you indicated in an earlier post that you live in a fairly large city, I sincerely hope that you will consider expanding your search beyond that particular hospice! Mortuaries, funeral homes, churches, synagogues, hospitals, even a local crisis or suicide helpline would keep lists of whatever bereavement resources are available in your community (and you do not have to be suicidal to contact a suicide helpline!) See, for example, http://www.clevelandcatholiccemeteries.org/bereavement.html I just hope that you won't let this bad experience keep you from finding the support that you need and deserve.
  2. Dear Sam, You may find this earlier thread helpful: My Mom Is Moving On Too Fast And this thread offers a discussion of the topic from many different viewpoints: New Relationships (Note that this thread covers four pages; to change pages, click on one of the page numbers at the top of the post, on the left).
  3. I just discovered something! If you right-click on the message you are composing (inside the "Replying" box) an option appears: "Spell check this field" ~ Try it and see if it works for you!
  4. Lori, dear ~ I think it’s only natural that, as time passes, certain of your memories will fade ~ especially if you don’t do anything to keep them in the forefront of your consciousness. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; some aspects of your mother’s last days undoubtedly were very sad for you, and to recall and constantly dwell on those bad memories could generate a great deal of suffering and anxiety. On the other hand, your fear seems to be that, along with all the sad memories of your mother’s death, you are losing a grip on the positive memories of your mother’s life as well. I think it’s important to recognize that you do have some control over what you choose to remember and what you choose to forget. You can readjust your thoughts, and take delight in the loving memories you hold tenderly in your heart. You can incorporate your mother’s ongoing presence in your life by the specific ways in which you intentionally and deliberately choose to remember her. I am reminded of Elaine Stillwell’s poignant comment, “If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing.” She encourages us to “find that special way that will allow us to sing our loved one’s song loud and clear . . . We all answer a special need from the sacred center of our heart that connects us with our loved one . . . Knowing you are doing something to keep your loved one’s memory alive keeps you passionately busy, allows you to tell your sacred story, adds joys to your heart, brings an array of beautiful, loving people into your life, and rewards you with a meaningful life again. Your loud voice will echo in many hearts making sure your loved one is never erased from memory.” [ Elaine Stillwell, in “Singing Their Song,” Grief Digest, Volume 2, Issue #4, p. 24] You can bring your memories of your mother into your awareness by deliberately setting aside some time to think about her. Immerse yourself in memories. Use whatever aids you can find as cues: a photograph of the two of you together, a piece of jewelry, an article of clothing, a special gift or heirloom you received from her, or an important lesson you learned from her. What wisdom and encouragement did you gain from her? In her wonderful book, Seven Choices: Finding Daylight after Loss Shatters Your World, Elizabeth Harper Neeld describes her conscious and deliberate decision to keep her memories of her deceased husband Greg alive: A person who is gone can live on in memory as an active agent in one’s life, not just as someone you love and miss, not just as a nostalgic sadness. We make meaning of the memories. From the memories we extract values, ideals, insight, pleasures, awareness. This, then, was how Greg would fit into my life. I knew, for instance, that I would always care for my family in a different way because Greg had enabled me to see them in a new light. I would always feel more connected to the out-of-doors because with him I had learned new ways to see the woods, the mountains, the sea. I would always be more awake to the sensuous pleasures of life – colors, smells, sounds, tastes – because I had been able to experience them with him. And I would always know what love was, because he had loved me. I would always enjoy the opera and the ballet, which I shared with him . . . I would always like red geraniums by the front door and eggs scrambled with brie. I would always want to drive a clean car, and I would always ask if the saltwater taffy had been made on the premises. -- Seven Choices: Finding Daylight after Loss Shatters Your World, © 2003 by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD, pp. 256-257. You can create a memory box with pictures, letters and mementos of your mother. Sit with its contents whenever you want to remember her. Revisit those places that hold special memories. Read some of your mother’s favorite books. Look through old photo albums or scrapbooks. Listen to her favorite songs or watch a favorite movie that you both loved. Let the stories and most pleasing recollections of your mother come into your mind, and find some way to share them, whether that is by writing them down or telling them to someone. Ask those who knew your mother to share their memories of her with you. Think of a word or phrase that will bring your mother into your conscious awareness, and use it whenever you feel a need for her presence. In their important book, Re-Membering Lives, authors Lorraine Hedtke and John Winslade take memory-making even further. They advocate the deliberate construction of stories that continue to include the dead in the membership of our lives: After someone dies our lives continue to unfold. We take on new identities, enter different life phases, and bring new people into membership in our clubs. The challenge of remembering conversation now moves beyond the task of incorporating memories and echoes of previous conversations with the deceased into our consciousness. It takes on a developmental focus to braid the posthumous with the living. Perhaps, we might introduce a dead grandmother to her newborn grandchildren and express the joy that she would share in the prospect of their lives. We might speculate about the meaning to her of events in the life of a family. We might consult her opinion on parenting in ways that we never had cause to while she was alive. In these ways, we might continue to populate our conversations with her voice and our consciousness with a richer range of voices than if we stuck rigidly to the voices of the real in the present. In these ways, she might continue to live on in her stories and even augment them along the way . . . -- Re-Membering Lives, © 2004 by Lorraine Hedtke and John Winslade, pp. 85-86]
  5. Very wise words, dear Tori ~ and bless you for sharing them with all of us . . .
  6. Dear Sister, I wonder what responses you would get if you asked that same question of the people who were the recipients of your brother’s organs. I’m sure that, from their perspective and that of their family members, you certainly did “make the right choice.” I can think of no greater gift than that of organ donation, especially considering the tragic circumstances under which this precious gift was given by you and your family. I simply cannot imagine what it must have been like for you and your family to have found yourselves in the position you describe, and I certainly can understand why, months later, you are still questioning the wisdom of the god-like decision you all were required to make. I think it's only natural to question such awesome decisions. Nevertheless, as I read your tragic story, it seems to me that you were honoring your brother’s wishes as you all understood them to be, and you did exactly what he would have wanted you to do. Without excusing any insensitivity on the part of the organ donation staff, I also have to believe that the people involved in your brother’s case were legally, ethically and morally bound to adhere to a very strict protocol in making certain that your brother was dead before they harvested any organs and tissues from his body. I can only hope that, as you come to terms with this, you will give yourself the credit you deserve, and find some comfort in knowing that you helped your brother in this most selfless act of unmeasurable generosity. I am reminded of this beautiful poem by Robert N. Test: To Remember Me The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress located in a hospital busily occupied with the living and the dying. At a certain moment a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped. When that day comes, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine. And don't call this my deathbed. Let it be called the Bed of Life, and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives. Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or the love in the eyes of a woman. Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain. Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week. Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk. If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses and all prejudice against my fellow man. Give my sins to the devil. Give my soul to God. If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live forever. You might also find these resources informative and helpful: Organ Donation: Don’t Let Myths Stand In Your Way Stories of Hope An In-Depth Look at Organ and Tissue Donation (PBS) Daniel’s Story
  7. You might check with your local hospice, mortuary, hospital, church or synagogue (or even your primary care physician) for information on what bereavement support resources are available in your own community. The following sites offer help in finding a hospice in your geographical area: How to Find a Local Hospice Find a Provider: NHPCO See also some of the sites listed here: Counseling ~ Support
  8. Dear Ones, I've just listened to a re-broadcast of an excellent radio program that was aired yesterday on Public Radio and want to share it with all of you. Among other things, Dr. Trout discusses his observations about the heartfelt connections that develop between pet parents and their animal children. Here is NPR's brief description of the content, along with a link to the program: Fresh Air from WHYY, March 20, 2008 · Veterinarian Nick Trout joins Fresh Air to talk about his new memoir, Tell Me Where It Hurts: A Day of Humor, Healing and Hope in My Life as an Animal Surgeon. The British-born, Cambridge-educated Trout is staff surgeon at Boston's Angell Animal Medical Center, a 185,000-square-foot facility treating 50,000 animals each year. He's performed CAT scans on rats and at least one ultrasound on a frog — and he says that in his two and a half decades of practice, he's seen the relationship between pets and people change dramatically. His personality, says a Publishers Weekly review, "suffuses the many stories sifted from recollections of thousands of animal encounters during his 25 years of practice," and the book "shows how the daily life of a veterinarian requires the ability to be a social worker, a psychologist, a grief counselor, mentor, carpenter, plumber, cosmetologist, athletic coach, magician, grim reaper, and occasionally, guardian angel." You'll find a link to the radio program here.
  9. Deborah, dear, if you haven't read it already, you may find this post helpful: New Problem: Is This Normal?
  10. Robert, my dear, you know yourself better than anyone else does, and it is for you alone to decide what you need to do to take care of yourself. So by all means, go with our blessings, and know that if and when you ever need to come back to us, for whatever reason, I will be the first one to welcome you with open arms ~ and I am willing to bet that everyone else here feels exactly the same way. Wishing you peace and continued healing, MartyT
  11. Robert, dear ~ I'm so glad that you and Gary have each other, and pleased as well that you've brought your cousin into our family
  12. I think you'll find it here: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&s...indpost&p=21826
  13. Dear Gary, I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your father when you were only 10 years old, and I'm sorry, too, to think that you are carrying such a heavy load of guilt on your young shoulders. I won't try to talk you out of such guilt, because I know that such a feeling can be quite irrational and unjustified, but it's still there, and sometimes we simply cannot help what we feel. Please do keep in mind, however, that just because you FEEL guilty, it does not mean that you ARE guilty of the crime you're accusing yourself of. Clearly you were just a boy when you made this remark to your dad ~ and I doubt if there is a person among us who hasn't said something nasty to one of our parents when we were kids. Your cousin is right: surely your dad knew you loved him, and like any parent he would be willing to forgive you. What is harder is for you to find some way to forgive yourself. You might consider writing your dad a letter of apology ~ as a way of expressing all you need to say to him. Then you could take the letter to a very private place (maybe outdoors, to a special place that reminds you of your dad, or that you used to go to together). Set a match to the letter, let it burn to ashes, and let your guilt go up in smoke along with the letter. Or you might try doing something for someone in need, both in honor of your dad and as a way to make amends. I want to point you to two earlier posts in the Loss of a Parent forum that discuss dealing with the death of a parent at an early age. Although in these two cases the parent who died was a mother rather than a father, I think the content of the messages may be of particular interest to you: Can't Sleep, posted on Feb. 14, 2006 Gone and Forgotten, posted on May 9, 2005 Wishing you peace and healing, MartyT
  14. Maylissa, dear ~ I know there is nothing I can say to ease your broken heart, but I will say it anyway. I’m so very sorry to learn of your loss of Maggie, who truly has been such an angel of mercy for you these last few months. I hope it brings you some small comfort to know that you were for Maggie her angel of mercy, too. The joy she brought to you was returned tenfold, because you showered her with just as much love as she gave back to you. You have so much love to give to these precious feline creatures, Maylissa. I know that if my soul should ever come back to this world incarnated as a cat, of all the people on this earth, I would want to belong to you. Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you at this sad and difficult time.
  15. Good for YOU, Shelley! We're very proud of you!
  16. Annie, thank you so much for posting this important message! Finding a good therapist or counselor is no different from finding any other provider of health services ~ you are the consumer here, and you have every right to expect a good "fit" between you and the person with whom you are entrusting your health care ~ whether that care is physical or emotional. It's important for all our bereaved members to know that, if after two or three sessions you don't sense that your therapist or counselor has a good understanding of your grief process or doesn't seem like the person who can help you, you should feel free to try a different one. Regarding PTSD, make sure you pay a visit to the Gift from Within Web site; it contains a wealth of useful information on the subject, and features some of the country's leading experts in the successful treatment of PTSD. (Once on the main page, hover your mouse over the topics listed at the top of the page to see the detailed drop-down lists: Articles, Tapes & DVDs, Trauma Support, etc.)
  17. Dear Ones, Unfortunately, we just don't have a Spell-Check feature on this site, but if that is important to you, here's what you might try. Use your computer's word processing program to compose whatever text you want to post here, run your spell-check program, then cut and paste the final draft onto your "clipboard" so you can place it in the white box that appears when you click the "Reply" button on our site. That's the only way I can think of ~ Does anyone else have any suggestions? Perhaps it also needs to be said that no one on our site is a stickler for proper spelling and grammar ~ and we're all pretty good at deciphering each other's words, even if they're not spelled correctly ~ are we not?
  18. Elizabeth, dear ~ We can always spare happy thoughts and prayers, and we are sending all of those in dear little Roarie's direction.
  19. Dear Gamer, It’s so nice to hear from you, and I’m so pleased to know that our site means so much to you. You know, your post gives us the opportunity to acknowledge“friendgrief,” which is Harold Ivan Smith’s word for what he describes as “a significantly disenfranchised grief.” This noted expert on grief observes that the death of a friend is often considered to be a less significant experience than that of a family member. As a result, friends may feel pushed aside and left alone in their grief, as if they don’t have a legitimate right to mourn. Unlike the relationships we have with family members, friendships are voluntary. We don’t get to choose our relatives, but we can decide who we want as friends. As you say, Gamer, this person you’ve lost was like your brother; you did everything together; you shared a common interest and had great fun playing video games together. You sought each other’s company, spent as much time together as you could, were loyal to each other, and trusted each other completely with your innermost thoughts and feelings. It’s no wonder that you miss him so much ~ and for sure you don’t ever want to forget your friend. I wonder if you can think of some way you could memorialize your friend. Take a look at some of the examples listed in Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine’s Day, or think of some other ways you could remember him in a special way. How do you think he would want to be remembered? Maybe you can pretend that we’re sitting across from you right now ~ can you tell us a story about your friend?
  20. This announcement comes to us from National Students of AMF: National Students of AMF is putting on the first-ever National College Student Grief Awareness Week April 7-13, 2008. The goal is to share our message – that grieving students are not alone, and that they can find support and understanding in peers through the programs that National Students of Ailing Mothers and Fathers and our campus chapters provide– with as many students across the nation as possible. We are looking for volunteers (any age, in any location) to be an “Awareness Week Leader.” “Awareness Week Leaders” will represent Students of AMF in their communities and amongst their peers by sending out a few e-mails, passing out flyers and spreading information about this cause by word of mouth. This role requires little time or effort on your part, as we have developed a Leadership packet containing an agenda and instructions, and of course, we are here to help. Most importantly, your role is not to take this week on yourself but to recruit as many friends as possible to help us spread the word! Please email Stephanie@studentsofamf.org if you are interested in helping to spread awareness about the organization during National College Student Grief Awareness Week.
  21. I think that our friends here at this site are, at times, sending us messages from our loved ones. Cindi, dear ~ I just have to share with you that this statement of yours brought tears to my eyes and touched my soul. I cannot think of a lovelier way to describe what happens in this very special place, and it warms my heart to know that you think of it this way . . . Thank you so very much for sharing such a beautiful thought with all of us today
  22. Dear Jo ~ Tomorrow is your special day. We wish you sunshine when you wake, and roses on your birthday cake!
  23. Rosemary, if you haven't seen it already, you might want to read this thread: Group Therapy
  24. Oh Kay, I wish you could've taken a picture of yourself to post here for all of us to see, so you could've received some recognition for your efforts. But even without your "makeover," we still think you're a knockout! And hooray for you for your willingness to be putting yourself first for a change ~ that is very healthy behavior for one as selfless and as giving as you are.
  25. Karen, dear ~ Please get yourself into bed, and as you settle in, know how very much you are loved. May you sleep well tonight, and may you find roses on your pillow.
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