MartyT

John, dear ~ I was fortunate enough to see your lovely and loving tribute to your precious Jack in the July 26 issue of the Fountain Hills Times, and simply delighted that you included a picture of him there. What a joy it is to see his beautiful face smiling back at me, most especially because I know that when I look at his picture, I am also seeing you Is there any way that you could share that same picture of Jack with everyone here, John? I'm sure that others would love to see it, too . . . Warm hugs to you, Marty T

Good for you, KayC!!! Well done!!! We are sooooooooo proud of you!

My dear Glenn, Tamara, drtondalin and others, As I read your tragic stories I am overcome with sorrow, and I cannot imagine the depth of your pain. There simply are no words . . . We all are deeply sorry to know that it is the death of your precious child or grandchild that brought you here, but at the same time, we are gratified to know that you have found your way to us. Please know that you are most welcome here, and we walk beside you as your companions on this long and difficult journey. In addition to the compassion and support you will continue to find in this warm and caring place, I also want to point you to some of the many other helpful and valuable resources that are available to you online: dozens of articles, books, organizations and Web sites. You’ll find links to the ones I’ve personally reviewed and evaluated on the Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Hi Julie, As others have said, sorting and distributing a loved one's belongings is very much an individual matter, and good communication among everyone involved is the key to deciding the who, what, when, where and how of it. It is also true that sorting can be an important part of the mourning process. See, for example, this post: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?show...1314entry1314

My dear Dancer, I’m so very sorry to learn about your beloved Tawny, and I can only imagine how devastating this news must be for you, especially since your two precious dogs are litter-mates. How could you not help but worry about Tanner, too? I too have faced the horrible situation in which you find yourself now, struggling with the euthanasia decision, and I know (both from my many years of listening to the stories of other animal lovers in the support groups I facilitate, as well as from my own experience with my cherished Muffin) that for most of us, this is a very god-like decision. For most of us, this amounts to deciding whether we should or should not take the life of a beloved family member, and it engenders an enormous amount of uncertainty and guilt. I have written a number of articles about this that you may find helpful; you’ll find three of them by clicking on the titles I’ve listed below. You’ll also find many excellent articles by other authors on this same topic on my Web site’s Pet Loss Articles page. Reading such articles will give you a better sense of what your options are, before you decide what you're going to do about Tawny. Keep in mind, too, that you and your husband must decide what is best for you and your dog. This decision belongs to you alone, because you are the ones who know yourselves best, and you are the ones who must live with the consequences of your decision. In the meantime, please know that you are not alone in this; we are right here beside you as you face whatever lies ahead. Anticipatory Grief Sorting It Out: Spiritual Beliefs about Death and the Afterlife Exploring Questions about Euthanasia Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Ones, Your discussion reminds me of a wise and wonderful piece that appeared in Bereavement Magazine some time ago, and that I have posted on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site: It may be quite possible that we are not necessarily undergoing 'unresolved loss' when a past death comes up for us. Instead, this could be our opportunity to experience the older loss in a different light, one with some perspective and yes, even wisdom. Even if the feelings that come up are quite painful, this may not mean that you didn't do 'grief work' right the first time! It may just be that now is the time for you to experience that loss and your current one at a deeper level, given who you are today and what you now know about yourself. Many of us still have parts of our losses that may remain on some level 'unresolved.' However, a more empowering notion is to recognize that triggers of prior losses may mean that we can re-grieve, healthily and holistically. We may still be asking sometimes unanswerable questions about older losses, but perhaps how we ask them has changed significantly. And perhaps we have a greater comfort level for these questions being unanswered. And perhaps, we have a greater tolerance for ourselves in not having all the answers. -- Joan Hummel, Bereavement Magazine , March/April 2004 Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc. (888-604-4673)

Oh Patti, thank you so much for letting us know! I've been worried sick about our dear WaltC, just as I know everyone else has been! I've tried to contact him and / or his family via PM and e-mail, but so far have received no response. That's okay -- I'm not complaining! I'm just so relieved to know that he is all right! I cannot thank you enough for letting us know! This is such a loving, caring group of people! You warm my heart and touch my very soul. Love and hugs to all of you, Marty T

Dear Ones, Since I've just been asked a similar question by a person seeking a chat area specifically for bereaved siblings, I'd like to share the following, so that others might benefit from the same information: Adult Sibling Grief Chat Please see also all the other sites, articles and resources I have listed on the Death of a Sibling or Twin page of my Grief Healing Web site.

Hi Andrea, I'm so sorry about your sister, and I know from reading your other posts that you are doing your best to come to terms with this. Keep coming to this site, and spend some time reading through some of the other message threads. You will find that the more you learn about grief and mourning and how others respond to it, the better prepared you are to manage your own reactions. See, for example, this message posted under the topic, Am I To Blame? Because you are also struggling to help your niece with all of this, I hope you will pay a visit to the Child, Adolescent Grief page of my Grief Healing Web site, as it contains links to so many resources that I think you will find helpful, too. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Michelle, dear ~ I'm so very sorry that you're feeling so overwhelmed and so alone, but I can assure you that you are not alone ~ we are here for you. You say that suicide has entered your mind more than once. I can also assure you that thoughts of suicide are not unusual when we are feeling overwhelmed and just want the awful circumstances of our lives to change. But there is a vast difference between thinking about suicide and acting upon such thoughts. A person who is seriously considering suicide needs to seek help at once -- see, for example, IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT SUICIDE, READ THIS FIRST. Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I think you're saying is that if life will always be the way it is now, if I'm always going to feel the way I feel now, what is the point of going on? That is an absolutely human and normal reaction to the very difficult set of circumstances in which you find yourself, Michelle, and I would venture to say that many (if not most) of us would feel exactly the same as you do if we were in your shoes. You also say that, because you have your mother and your pets to care for first, suicide is not a realistic option for you right now. If that is your reason ~ indeed, your only reason, not to act on those suicidal thoughts ~ then let it be enough. Let your mother's and your pets' need for you be your reason to hold on, to hang on, to keep on ~ and for now, just let it be enough. I'm just wondering ~ did you ever get a chance to go back to the Care Giving page on my Grief Healing Web site? I know you are very busy taking care of your mother, but there is a vast array of resources there that I think you would find very useful, and I hope you will take some time to explore them -- perhaps while your mother is resting or sleeping?

Dear Derek, You're right ~ when the pain of loss is especially acute or we find ourselves experiencing what I would describe as an "attack of the crazies," it is so comforting to talk directly to someone who's been there, too, who can reassure us that what we're feeling is normal and that this, too, shall pass. I agree completely that offering a live chat room for the bereaved is something for Hospice of the Valley to consider. Since we do not yet offer such a service, however, I want to refer you to a reputable site that does. See GROWW (an acronym for "Grief Recovery Online (founded by) Widows & Widowers"). While chat rooms have their place, keep in mind that message boards such as this one have different benefits. For example, in several of your posts, you've mentioned your awareness of the progress you've made over these last three months, and I believe that posting on this site helps you track that progress. Additionally, here you have an ongoing, written record of all the responses you've received, as well as access to all the other messages and responses posted on this site. I don't think there is a better place to share and learn all the different facets of grief and mourning, and what can be done to manage them, than this one. So by all means, utilize a chat room if and when you feel the need to do so ~ but please keep coming here, too. We need the benefit of your experience just as much as you need ours. You are an important and valued member of our Grief Healing community, Derek, and we don't want to lose you!

Dear Ones, I haven't heard how our dear Walt C is doing since his heart surgery, but I'm sure that if he were here right now, he would be the one to find this and point you to it ~ so I am doing it in Walt's honor, just for you : Click on Footprints

John, dear, it's so good to hear from you, if only for a moment. Please know that you are in our hearts, and we send you our deepest sympathy for the loss of your friend Timmy. Do what you must do, take all the time that you need, and come back to us when you can. We will be here waiting for you, and looking forward to your return. You are missed. Till soon . . .

I'm thinking, I'm thinking! Maylissa, please don't think I'm ignoring your message; I've been occupied with other matters. I promise I will post a more thoughtful response just as soon as I can get to it . . . Hugs, Marty

My dear Can't Tell, I've been following this thread since you first posted here on June 7 and, like everyone else, I am so very sorry that you are struggling with this very serious illness. I am sorrier still that you seem to be struggling alone, without the full support of your husband, children, family and friends. I think we all agree that this is your life and your dying, and you have every right to do it in your own way – provided that you don't hurt yourself or anyone else in the process – and therein lies the rub, doesn't it? By taking the "I Can't Tell Them" position, is it possible that you could you be hurting yourself or those you love and those who love you? It's completely understandable that you want to protect your loved ones from pain and suffering – don't we all want to do that? – but pain and suffering are part of being human, and part of our job as parents is to teach our children that death and loss are natural parts of living. We all know that nothing – absolutely nothing! – in life lasts forever. Every living thing goes through a natural process with a beginning and an ending, with living in between. We may act as if it will never happen to us or to someone we love dearly, but the simple truth is that we all are going to die one day. The only difference between you and the rest of us is that you have a better idea of when that might happen to you and what the cause will be. How you view this mysterious diagnosis you've been given is entirely up to you; you can view it as a death sentence, or you can see it as an opportunity to teach your children some of life's most valuable lessons. Given what you've told us about your family, it is obvious that you and your husband have done a fine job so far teaching your children how to live. As I'm sure you know, that includes preparing them to face and deal effectively with life's many losses and disappointments, now and in the future. Difficult as it may be, and harsh as it may sound, you might think of your illness as an opportunity for you to teach your children how to die. We cannot change the facts here – much as we may wish it so, there is no magic wand to wave that will take away your illness – in that you have no choice. You do have lots of choices, however, in how you wish to approach the final days / weeks / months of your life. Since you have to do it anyway, why not do it armed with greater awareness of what to expect, and with greater confidence about how to make the end of your life a time for growth, comfort and meaningful reflection for yourself and the rest of your family? There are so many resources that can help you, my dear, and I'd like to point you to some of them. (These and others are listed on the Caregiving page of my Grief Healing Web site, and I'm reviewing and adding to them all the time.) Whether you choose to take advantage of them is completely up to you, of course, but my prayer for you is that you will just take a single step and begin. As the saying goes, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Actually, you have begun already, by being brave enough to come here to share your story so openly and honestly. You are not alone on this journey; we are right here beside you, and we will continue to be, just as long as you will permit us to accompany you. Americans for Better Care of the Dying Handbook for Mortals: Guidance for People Facing Serious Illness (You can read parts of this wonderful book online, at the Americans for Better Care of the Dying site, listed above.) Anticipatory Grief: A Family-Centered Approach Caring Connections Dying Well, Defining Wellness through the End of Life Facing Death and Finding Hope: A Guide to the Emotional and Spiritual Care of the Dying (Book) Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying (Book) The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living (Book) Frequently Asked Questions about Hospice Care Health Journeys: Resources for Mind, Body and Spirit Health Watch: Alternative and Complementary Health Care Information Illness: A New Perspective on Suffering It's Not Too Late: An Interactive Guide for Exploring and Expressing Love as Life Nears Its End (Book) Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear son of Walt, We are so, so sorry to learn this awful news, but we do thank you so very much for conveying this message to all of us on your dad's behalf! Please let this dear and precious man know that we love him, we treasure him, we miss him, and we are holding him in our hearts and prayers. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, and we are grateful for any updates you can give us, as you are able to do so. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

What can we do when family and friends fail to understand our need to talk about our loved ones who have died, when we are struggling to keep their memory alive, or longing just to hear the mention of their name? In this helpful article, psychologist and grief counselor Bob Baugher offers some suggestions: I Don’t Care How Long It’s Been — Can We Talk About My Loved One?by Bob Baugher, Ph.D We Need Not Walk Alone is the name for The Compassionate Friends’ national newsletter. If you are like many bereaved individuals, you have felt that you have walked alone during much of your grief. When bereaved parents find The Compassionate Friends, they meet other parents who share some of their pain. They discover there are people who will walk some or much of the way with them down the painful path of bereavement. Since your loved one died, have you found that your friends and relatives do not understand much of what you have been experiencing? Have they come to expect you to either be “much better” or “over it”? Worse yet, have the people in your life decided it is best not to mention the name of your loved one or even acknowledge that your loved one lived? How could people be so cruel to never again utter the name of your cherished loved one? Why would someone do such a thing? Many people in our society have been taught to believe that if you permit a person to grieve on and on, the result may be irreversible harm. Phrases such as “he’s stuck in his grief” or “she’s wallowing in her grief” serve as false warnings to our friends and relatives that they should do nothing that will contribute to this condition. Therefore, many people will not want to listen to a bereaved person’s grief reactions because they believe talking about it makes it worse. This is not true. Second, most people cannot handle the intense, excruciating pain of a bereaved person for very long. Think of how long most of the people around you permitted your full expression of grief by not interrupting this process. One of the “popular” ways to interrupt a person in the midst of grieving behavior is to change the subject to something “safer”. Third, many people believe that bringing up anything that reminds the bereaved person of their loss will produce pain and grief where none existed before. You know this is not true. Most bereaved individuals learn that the best way to work through the bereavement process is to talk about their grief, the life of their loved one, and what life has now become without this person. Think about it! This is just the opposite way most of society behaves. Therefore, the bereaved spouse, parent or child is placed in a quandary that goes something like this: “Should I behave the way that society expects and suppress my grief and my need to talk about my loved one, or should I go against what society says and be seen as someone who (supposedly) can’t handle their grief?” I suggest a third alternative. Why not find a way to encourage people in your life to talk about your loved one? The following are some suggested steps to accomplish this: 1. Think of the people you are willing to contact to ask if they will talk about your loved one. 2. Decide how the contact will be made. In some cases a phone call out of the blue will work. You don’t have to have a reason. Or you may want to contact some people in person. For others, you may want to write a letter. Whatever way you make your contact, the content of your request will basically be the same. 3. Your first words should go something like, “I was thinking of you the other day (you are thinking about this person now, right?) and I wanted to say a couple of things.” This introduction is a great way to get a person’s attention and to make it clear that you have a message to deliver. 4. Once you have their attention say, “Here’s my first request. Sometimes when we talk on the phone or in person, it would really help me if you would mention something about my (spouse, parent, child) by name. Okay?” 5. Then say, “My second request is that you tell me a story about my loved one.” Many people have difficulty coming up with stories on the spot. To help with this, ask them to tell you a story about any of the following topics that may be related to your loved one’s life: ▸ Locations: vacations, shopping, school ▸ Outings: parties, picnics, concerts, sporting events ▸ Food: places/restaurants, meals/particular foods, smells ▸ Organizations/groups/clubs: scouts, sports, hobbies ▸ Emotional: embarrassing moments, funniest moments ▸ Media: books, television, movies ▸ Work experiences ▸ Spiritual Beliefs: church experiences, readings, prayers ▸ Relationships with others: children, parents, spouse, siblings, friends ▸ Values observed in your loved one, e.g. honesty, commitment, joy of living ▸ Support given to or received from your loved one ▸ Possessions: pets, toys, clothing, games, car ▸ Music: favorite songs, instruments ▸ Talents ▸ Holidays: New Year’s, Valentines Day, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas/Hanukkah I must offer you a note of caution. Be prepared for times when you do not get the intended results. Let’s look at what could go wrong even though you tried your best. First, the person may not appear to understand you, whether intentionally or not. That is, you may make your two requests and find that nothing comes of it. In this case you can drop it or, during some other conversation, say something like, “Remember when I asked you if you would talk about my loved one and relate stories? Do you think you can do this?” Then be silent. Let the person reply and if they resist, all you can do is accept it. Second, some people will come right out and say that they just can’t— that it’s too painful. Third, other people may comply at first, but later fall off in their efforts. Remember, most non-bereaved people are surprised to discover that the bereaved yearn to hear stories of their loved one. Don’t let people’s non-compliance stop you from asking others to help you with your requests. This is a vulnerable time in your life. Only take risks like this if you think you can handle rejection. But remember, hearing the beautiful sound of your loved one’s name and reliving stories of that person’s life can be well worth the possibility of rejection. Your loved one’s life, no matter how long or how short, touched many people. As a bereaved individual, you have the right to hear from others the wonderful stories that have yet to be told. Keep asking and you may receive some precious gifts as a result of your efforts. Adapted from We Need Not Walk Alone: A Newsletter for Bereaved Parents and the People Who Care about Them, The Compassionate Friends, Inc., Volume 18, Number 4, Fall 1995. See also the many articles and resources listed here: Helping Someone Who's Grieving

Dear Ann, You said, I am toying with the idea of writing to them and saying that I am sorry they feel unable to talk about him, but I will always talk about him, because I value the life we shared, and never intend to forget him. I'm just trying to figure out a way to say this without getting too sarcastic! I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I feel a need to express myself. Not a bad idea! You can write that letter with no intention of sending it, and you can include in it all the anger and sarcasm you can muster (in order to get it outside of yourself, and onto a piece of paper or into your computer's word processor). On the other hand, if you decide you want to write a letter whose objective really is to help others know how they can help you, below are some writings I've gathered over the years (some of which I've posted on the Comfort for Grieving Hearts page of my Grief Healing Web site), that may help as you compose your own letter. (See also the article I've just posted in The Latest News forum on this site, I Don't Care How Long It's Been; Can We Talk about My Loved One?, by Bob Baugher.) My Dear Family and Friends, I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I am having because of this loss. I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering. I may become angry without there seeming to be a reason for it. My emotions are all heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times. I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don’t know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need. Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year. Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith is not an excuse from the process of grief. If you, by chance, have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse. This loss is the worst thing that could happen to me. But, I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again. Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I will always treasure. Sincerely, _________________________________ Please See Me Through My Tears You asked, "How are you doing?" As I told you, tears came to my eyes . . . And you looked away and quickly began to talk again. All the attention you had given me drained away. "How am I doing?" . . . I do better when people listen, though I may shed a tear or two. These feelings are indescribable. If you’ve never felt them you cannot fully understand. Yet I need you. When you look away, when I’m ignored, I am again alone with them. Your attention means more than you can ever know. Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know! They’re nature’s way of helping me to heal . . . They relieve some of the stress of sadness. I know you fear that asking how I’m doing brings me sadness . . . but it doesn’t work that way. The memory of my loved one’s absence is with me, only a thought away. My tears make my loss more visible to you, but you did not cause this sadness. It was already there. When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless, not knowing what to do? You are not helpless, and you don’t need to do a thing but be here for me. When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow, you’ve helped me. You need not speak. Your silence is all I need. Be patient . . . do not fear. Listening with your heart to "how am I doing" validates what I’m going through, for when the tears can freely come I feel lighter. Talking to you releases what I’ve been wanting to say aloud, clearing space for a touch of joy in my life. I’ll cry for a minute or two . . . then I’ll wipe my eyes, and sometimes you’ll even find I’m laughing in a while. When I hold back my tears, my throat grows tight, my chest aches, my stomach knots . . . because I’m trying to protect you from my tears. Then we both hurt . . . me, because my feelings are held inside, causing pain and a shield against our closeness . . . and you, because suddenly we’re emotionally distant. So please, take my hand and see me through my tears . . . then we can be close again – Kelly Osmont, MSW, LCSW, CGP, in What Can I Say and Do? How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving a Loss, © 2000, Centering Corporation. Reprinted with permission of the publisher. _____________________________________ The Elephant in the Room There’s an elephant in the room. It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it. Yet, we squeeze by with, “How are you?” and “I’m fine”. . . And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter. We talk about the weather. We talk about work. We talk about everything else — except the elephant in the room. We all know it is there. We are thinking about the elephant as we talk. It is constantly on our minds, For you see, it is a very big elephant. But we do not talk about the elephant in the room. Oh, please, say her name. Oh, please, say ‘Barbara’ again. Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. For if we talk about her death, Perhaps we can talk about her life. Can I say ‘Barbara’ and not have you look away? For if I cannot, then you are leaving me Alone . . . in a room . . . With an elephant. — Terry Kettering, in Bereavement Magazine, Reprinted in Ann Landers’ Column, Arizona Republic, February 12, 2000 ______________________________________ Please Ask Someone asked me about you today. It's been so long since anyone has done that. It felt so good to talk about you, to share my memories of you, to simply say your name out loud. She asked me if I minded talking about what happened to you — or would it be too painful to speak of it. I told her I think of it every day and speaking about it helps me to release the tormented thoughts whirling around in my head. She said she never realized the pain would last this long. She apologized for not asking sooner. I told her, "Thanks for asking." I don't know if it was curiosity or concern that made her ask, But I told her, "Please do it again sometime — soon." — Barbara Taylor Hudson ___________________________________ How to Help a Friend in Grief As much as we would like to avoid unpleasantness in our lives, sometimes it is inescapable. Instead, we must learn how to grieve in healthy ways and work through our difficulties. If you are wondering what you can do to help a friend who is in intense mourning, here are some suggestions: Recognize that everyone grieves at their own pace. Some progress rather quickly, some move very slowly. We never move at the speed that others think we should. Help us take one day at a time. Keep us company and be there for us. You don't need to say anything profound or do anything earthshaking. Often, your greatest help is your quiet presence and simplest deeds. Make suggestions and initiate contact and activities. It is important for you to respect our privacy and give us some time alone, but we also may not have the energy to structure our lives right after a traumatic loss. We may have to rely on others to think of things that we don't know to ask for. Provide a safe environment for us to show strong emotions. It may be very painful, but it can be of enormous help. Help us remember good things. Tell us your memories of our loved one as you listen to us tell you ours. If we begin to show our emotions outwardly, you have not upset us, you have simply enabled us to be a bit more open in your presence. Be there after the first wave is over. Make the effort to call, to come by, to help us out six months and even a year down the road. Crowds may be difficult for us. Shopping and holidays will be overwhelming. Offer your help. If we're not up to a visit we'll let you know, but let us know you remember and are there for us. Listen to us. We need to tell our story over and over in order to process our grief. We may even say outrageous things. Don't judge us by what we say or how we feel. We have a lot to work through, and in time we will come to the answers that are right for us. Be careful of clichés, religious platitudes, or easy answers. You may not be able to help us with certain issues right now, so don't be too quick to share your opinions if we say something you don't agree with. We need time to work things out on our own. Be sensitive to our needs, be patient, have confidence and believe in us. We will get better, we will experience healing; but it will take some time, and it can be rough going for much of the way. Be on the lookout for destructive behaviors. Traumatic loss can lead some people into depression, alcohol or drug abuse. We may need you to keep an eye on us while things are especially tough. Help us find humorous diversion. Laughter is good medicine. Be willing to do difficult things with us. We may need someone to sit with us in court; we may need a safe place to rage; we may need help with the funeral or afterwards. There may be some hard times ahead and facing them alone can be terrifying. Help us find ways to bring good things out of the bad. It is important that our loved one be remembered and memorialized. Find out about grief. Read some of the books that are available. The more you know, the better able you will be to help us. Help us to find support and inspiration. Often, a poem or song will speak to us in ways that no one else can. Also, talking to someone who has survived a similar loss can help us to realize that we are not alone in our grief. We have to go through this valley in order to get to the other side. Dealing with grief cannot be avoided or postponed. Grief can make relationships difficult and you may get frustrated with us or feel uneasy around us. But please remember that now, more than ever, we need the caring and patient support of our friends and family. Help us get through this as well as we are able. Your true friendship and companionship, your kindness and patience can help us get our lives back together. We will experience some level of grief over our loved one's loss for the rest of our lives. Some days will simply be better than others. One day, we hope to reach a point where our good days outnumber the bad. That will be a major milestone for us. Thank you for being here for us. Reprinted with permission from What to Do When the Police Leave : A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss (3rd Edition), by Bill Jenkins, WBJ Press, Richmond, VA, 20001 www.willsworld.com ________________________________ And there is this food for thought, from Ken Doka: Sometimes we can find respite with others. When I work with bereaved people I ask them to make a list of their support system. Once they do that I ask them to tell me who are the good listeners, who are the doers. But I also have them identify their respite people. These are the people who are friends even though they are uncomfortable with pain and grief. I remind bereaved people that these persons can help, too. They are often good people to go with to get away from grief. They are unlikely to ask about the loss. But they have a valued role in providing diversion. -- Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., in Journeys: A Newsletter to Help in Bereavement, Hospice Foundation of America, May 2001 ________________________________________

Hi Jenn, Wonderful as books can be, please keep in mind that you don't have to spend money buying books in order to learn what is normal in grief. Just reading the messages posted in these forums is an education in itself, and our members' stories and experiences will help you see that you are not alone in your reactions -- that's one of the benefits of participating in forums such as these. In addition, since you have access to the Internet, you have a wealth of information about grief and mourning available to you, right at your fingertips. See, for example, some of the articles I've listed on these pages of my Grief Healing Web site: Articles by Marty Tousley Articles by Other Authors See also the links on my site's Death of a Parent page.

Dear friend, Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved Buzz. We all understand the special bond that exists between the two of you, and even though you don't believe in God or an afterlife, I hope it will bring you some comfort to know that, even though his body has died, your relationship with him has not ended. The love you have for Buzz will never die. It will live in your heart forever, just as long as you keep your precious memories of Buzz alive. If you explore any of the other posts in this forum, you will know how strongly we advocate learning all you can about what is normal when we lose a cherished companion animal -- such information helps us feel less "crazy" and alone. It helps us understand better our reactions, and reassures us that if others have found a way to survive such devastating losses, then somehow we will find our own way, too. I'd like to refer you to some articles that may be helpful to you, as I think they address some of your specific concerns: Coping with Pet Loss: Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad about This? When Pet Loss Feels Worse Than Losing a Relative Loss and The Burden of Guilt Do Pets Go to Heaven? Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

And thank you, dear Walt, as well as so many of our other wonderful members, for the part you play in watching over our site. Although I monitor it very carefully, there are times in any given day when I am not present on the site, and I am deeply grateful to all of you for letting me know as soon as you see something amiss. We want to keep this site consistently welcoming and safe for all our members and visitors, so that here we will continue to feel free to authentically express our grief without fear of judgment, isolation or abandonment -- and certainly without being assaulted by irrelevant or inappropriate material such as advertising or spam. Your vigilance conveys individual ownership of and responsibility for this site, and I am so pleased to know that you think of this special place as one that belongs to every single one of us.

Dear One, In addition to the assurances you've received from Spela and Patti that this tragic death most certainly is not your fault, I want to suggest that you visit the Suicide Loss page on my Grief Healing Web site, which contains a number of links to relevant resources that you may find quite useful in this situation. See especially those sites aimed at survivors of suicide. Even though a death related to an overdose may be accidental, it is a suicide nonetheless, and the issues for the survivors of such a tragic loss are very much the same. You might also want to see some of the sites listed on my Traumatic Loss page. I'd also like to share with you the following, which I've taken from Helen Fitzgerald's The Mourning Handbook: If there was a problem of alcohol or drug abuse in the life of the deceased, you may have added issues to deal with. Substance abuse often creates discord within a family that will negatively affect relationships. Given time, your loved one might have gained control over his or her addiction and resolved the problems created by it. Deprived of that time, this person may have died with the problems unresolved, leaving you with conflicting feelings of anger, perhaps, and sorrow, not really knowing how you should feel. The nature of the substance abuse and the type of problems it creates will vary with each person. Your loved one may have been inclined to drink too much, but it may have been done in such a way that it did not interfere with your life. On the other hand, substance abuse is usually not this benign. Often a family member who has been involved with alcohol or drugs becomes verbally, sexually or physically abusive when under the influence. Paychecks or savings may have been spent on the alcohol or drugs, creating serious problems for the family. In cases like this grief is certain to be complex. If you are mourning the death of a loved one under such circumstances, think for a moment of the extra issues you have to deal with in addition to the death. Write your issues down so you can look at them, one at a time. Getting them down on paper will help you become more objective about them, and it also will make those issues less powerful and more manageable for you. If you have enlisted the help of a therapist, he or she can be more helpful when you have these particulars clearly in your mind. It may occur to you or your therapist to bring other family members into the discussion. However, you should not feel hurt if they are not as ready as you are to look at these issues. Everyone has to deal with such issues at his or her own pace. If and when they are ready, they will know that they can come to you to say whatever they have to say on the subject. For additional support contact your local mental health center or substance abuse center to learn if there is an appropriate support group you could attend, such as a support group for the adult children of alcoholic parents. -- Source: "Complicated Grief: Substance Abuse," in The Mourning Handbook, © 1994 by Helen Fitzgerald, Fireside Publishing, New York, NY I sincerely hope this information helps, my dear, and I hope you will keep us posted on how you are doing. Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Joanna, dear ~ We all have a hard time saying goodbye to our loved ones, and we all need a safe place where we can scream. You are most welcome to consider this as your mountain top. And rather than struggling to say goodbye to your beloved Bobby, why not shout instead, "I love you!" See Goodbye to Goodbye.

Dear STOO, You've come to the right place, and you are most welcome here. Please see the article I've just now posted in The Latest News forum, Coping with Hidden Sorrow Wishing you peace and healing, Marty T

Dear Ones, Sometimes the loss we’ve experienced is considered by others to be less significant than the death of a family member, and as a result, we may feel shunted aside or marginalized in our own grieving process. It may feel as if we don't have permission to grieve -- which can make it even more difficult to come to terms with our loss. At such times, it is important to recognize that the pain we are feeling is very real and worthy of our grief. We don't grieve deeply for those we do not love. Here, in this warm and caring place, you are encouraged to acknowledge the significance of your relationship with the one you have lost, if only to yourself, and to honor your grief as a measure of the love you feel for that special someone. And it does not matter to us whether your special someone had two legs or four, human skin or feathers, scales or fur. Loving is loving, loss is loss, and pain is pain. What we are experiencing when this happens to us is what grief expert Ken Doka describes as Hidden Sorrow or Disenfranchised Grief. Accordingly, I am pasting into this message an article by him that I hope will shed some light on all of this for all of us. Grief: Coping with Hidden Sorrow Dorothy’s ex-husband died just six months ago. They had shared 15 years of life together, children and lots of memories – some bad, many good. People now come up to her on the street and comment casually on her loss, some even congratulate her! But Dorothy feels grief. “Whom do I talk to?” Even now her new spouse seems uncomfortable – threatened by her memories. Greg is a 13-year-old junior-high school student. His older brother recently died of AIDS, but Greg doesn’t want any of his friends to know his brother was gay. His grief is very private. Marie is a 70-year-old woman. She has been very depressed and withdrawn lately, ever since her prize terrier, Perzi, died. When Perzi was alive, she had security, companionship, and a compelling reason to walk and socialize. Now, she has none of these. She can’t talk about her grief either. “People will think I’m just a silly old senile woman. Imagine grieving for a dog!” Mark, a 22-year-old, moderately retarded man who lives at home, now refuses to sleep without a light. He easily cries and becomes frustrated. His regression is perplexing to his father. It happened soon after his grandmother died. She, too, lived at the house. “But it’s not like Mark really understood,” his mother adds. What is Disenfranchised Grief? Each of these persons is experiencing grief, but in every case, the grief is disenfranchised. The individual’s loss is not publicly recognized or acknowledged by others – sometimes not even by themselves. Because their grief cannot be shared, these grievers face special pain and problems. By understanding these unique grief experiences, we can sensitize ourselves to the burden of hidden sorrow and more effectively cope with our own losses. Grief can become disenfranchised for many reasons. Every society has conventions about grieving – rules that define for whom, how, for what, and for how long people should grieve. In our society the “who” is generally family: spouses, parents, grandparents, children, grandchildren and siblings have recognized rights to grief. The grief of others often is not considered. We are attached to all sorts of people besides family. We can develop strong relationships with any people – fiances, friends, co-workers, neighbors, teachers and therapists, to suggest a few. And when these people die, we experience grief. Non-traditional Relationships Even more complicated are relationships that are hidden, or viewed negatively. Lovers and persons who live together, whether heterosexually or homosexually (or even platonically) face added burdens, which points to another aspect of disenfranchised grief. Sometimes it is not only others that inhibit grief. Sometimes we disenfranchise our own grief, because we are ashamed to talk about the relationship or loss. Characteristics of the Griever Often, conceptions of who can grieve a loss are based not only on relationships, but sometimes on the characteristics of the griever. Certain grievers, such as the very old or very young or the developmentally disabled, are often ignored. Many think these individuals just cannot possibly understand. They may not understand or express grief in the same way as others, but this doesn’t mean that they do not feel the loss. Emily is a good example of this. Emily is a 91-year-old resident of a nursing home. She is quite ill and at times confused. Recently her 69-year-old son Bob died. The family decided not to tell her, because they believed it would only upset her. Meanwhile, Emily wonders what terrible thing she did that would make Bob stop calling and visiting. “You know Bob,” she’s told, “he’s so busy, traveling all the time.” But where are the funny postcards that Bob always sent that gave her such joy and pride? Hidden Losses Sometimes grief is disenfranchised because the loss is not recognized. Not everyone experiences loss after an abortion, but some women (and some men) do. Many people discount the loss of a newborn or a miscarriage with the comment, “It’s not as if they knew the child.” Yet this ignores the great attachment that can form during the months and even years of planning, hoping, trying and waiting. Humans can also form very close attachments with animals and deeply mourn their loss. Losses Other Than Death Losses outside of death are often unrecognized, too. Margaret provides yet another example of disenfranchised loss. Though she cares daily for her husband, Tom, she grieves the loss of companionship and mourns the Tom who once was before he had Alzheimer’s. The man she loved is no longer there, and he will never come back. She may be married, but she is really a hidden widow with silent sorrow. Stigmatized Deaths And finally there are deaths that disenfranchise. Here too the shame of the loss is so great that grievers, even family members, are embarrassed to admit loss or share grief. Like Greg, whose brother died of AIDS, the Richardses and the Vasquezes also find it hard to talk about their sons’ deaths from AIDS. To share that loss with others means that they have to deal with the fears, questions and disapproval of others. For the same reasons, Rita finds it hard to discuss her son’s suicide; and Maria is ashamed to mention her son or to tell that he died trying to commit a robbery. Problems of Exclusion Each situation of disenfranchised grief, like any other grief, is different. Individuals will react in their own way. But disenfranchised grievers do share common problems. First, they are often excluded from caring for dying persons. As painful as it can often be, caring for a dying person can help in the experience of grieving and frequently alleviates guilt, providing opportunities for closure. It is hard to deny the reality of death when one faces the evidence daily. When Martin was dying of AIDS, his lover Bill was excluded from the hospital by Martin’s parents. He is still haunted by that absence. Second, disenfranchised grievers are often excluded from funeral rituals. Sometimes, as in Bill’s case, this is intentional. But often it is unintended. It is simply that no one thinks to tell the disenfranchised or to bring them to the funeral. For example, when Mark’s grandmother died, the family just assumed that since Mark is retarded there was no point in taking him to the funeral or even asking him if he wanted to attend. In some other cases, the person’s role in the life of the deceased is ignored. Helen was informed when Nora, her 78-year-old best friend, died. But no family member asked Helen’s thoughts on arrangements. It made Helen sad since Nora had often told her exactly how she wanted to be buried. Lack of Closure In many cases of disenfranchised grief there are no funeral rituals. Pet loss, divorces, abortions, sometimes even parental loss may all lack the sense of closure that a funeral ritual can offer. This exclusion is unfortunate since funeral rituals can be helpful to grievers. But again, disenfranchised grievers excluded from either planning or attending the ritual cannot derive those therapeutic benefits. Even when they do attend, they may find themselves in an awkward position. The ritual itself can be discomforting. This was Dorothy’s experience when she attended her ex-husband’s funeral. She did not know where to sit. Friends of her husband seemed strained and confused about what to say to her, or whether to first acknowledge her or her husband’s widow. Even the funeral service highlighted her isolation. “The rabbi acknowledged everyone – my kids, his brother, his wife, friends, everyone but me.” And the service greatly angered her. “He [the rabbi] spent so much time talking about their relationship [that of her ex-husband and his new wife] – how wonderful it was. I kept thinking, ‘How does he praise that adulteress? What about the commandments?’” Absence of Social Support Disenfranchised grievers often lack social support. One thing that helps greatly in grief is sharing the loss with empathic others. Being able to talk about loss and receive help from others can be a healing process. Conversely, not being able to discuss loss, not to feel others’ support, complicates grief. Disenfranchised grievers experience their loss in diverse ways. Others may not know about their loss. They cannot share their pain. They may not get time off from work. For example, when Bill’s lover died, Bill could not tell his co-workers, because few of them knew he was gay. Legal Difficulties Disenfranchised grievers can face other problems as well. There may be practical and legal difficulties. When Martin died, Bill had protracted property battles with Martin’s parents and difficulties with his landlord, since only Martin’s name was on the lease. Disenfranchised grievers experience strong feelings that are often complicated or exacerbated by the relationship, by the type of loss or by isolation. These lead to the central paradox of disenfranchised grief: though grief is often intense, the social support that assists other grievers is absent. Suggestions What can you do if you are experiencing hidden loss? The first important step is to realize that wherever there has been attachment, grief is a natural and normal response to loss. Simply recognizing your grief can ease some of the isolation of disenfranchised grief. Think about the loss. If you are fortunate enough to have empathetic friends, share your feelings and reactions with them. If that is not possible, consider a self-help group or a grief counselor. Try to find ways to acknowledge the loss. If the funeral ritual was not helpful, you may consider your own private rituals. That is what Bill did. Excluded from any meaningful role in Martin’s funeral, he decided to invite some friends for a private memorial service at a sympathetic church. Dorothy and her children shared a quiet dinner at what had once been their family’s favorite restaurant, sharing their memories, both good and bad, of her ex-husband and her children’s father and remembering their lives together and apart. If you choose to mark the loss with your own private rituals, remember the needs of other mourners. Sylvia, for example, remembers her long-standing extramarital relationship with Ted by leaving long-stemmed roses on his grave on significant holidays. Unfortunately, her actions have greatly increased the anger and grief of Ted’s wife. It would have been better if Sylvia had been sensitive enough not to intrude on another’s grief. If others around you are experiencing disenfranchised grief, listen to their loss. Respect their grief even if you don’t necessarily understand or approve of the relationship. And remember that grievers such as the very young, the developmentally disabled, the confused, the disoriented, and the distressed may not always understand or express loss in traditional ways, but that does not mean their attachments are not felt nor that their losses are not grieved. What Does the Future Hold? Experiences such as divorce and AIDS that can lead to disenfranchised grief show no signs of abating. As developmentally disabled persons live longer, they too are far more likely to experience losses of parents and even siblings. Dr. Therese A. Rando, a noted grief therapist, fears that as cases of disenfranchised grief rise, psychologists will see more and more complicated mourning. But perhaps that can be avoided if we remember that people exist in multiple relationships. We have a tremendous capacity to form meaningful attachments that extend over time and even species. And whenever these attachments are lost, we reaffirm that there is grief. [source: Kenneth J. Doka, Bereavement Magazine, May 1992 Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publications, Inc. (888-604-4673)]