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Terri B

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  1. I lost my Grandmother 7 months ago it hit me very hard so much so that I had to take 7 weeks off from work. I miss my Grammy so very much, I know that everyone feels as if their Grandmother is the sweetest and the kindest but my Grammy never said a cross or negative word to any of us she loved us unconditionally. I love her all the more for it. I have had more of a hard time dealing with it than others in our family; it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t care if I ever woke up again, I prayed that I wouldn’t wake up in all honesty I wanted to die. It was a depression and helplessness that I hoped I would never feel again. I took 7 weeks off from work to get myself better, I found a great doctor who really listened when I talked to him a very caring person. He assured me what I was feeling was normal and that I was not going crazy that grieving is a process, he had to assure me quite often that I wasn’t going crazy actually. I saw him a couple of times a week for months and begin to feel like myself again something I thought would never happen again. I no longer wanted to die I became more like my old self not completely but I didn’t feel as hopeless. I know I am still depressed but I have days that I just feel happy like the old times. When I have bad days now I don’t feel that complete helplessness and sadness that I felt before, I just pray for a better day tomorrow. I had one of those days yesterday a happy day at least I thought so. Last night I overheard my Mother making some negative comments about me to my Father, really mean concerning my weight. I told my Mom I can hear you and that wasn’t very nice and she responded I’m not whispering which to me means she didn’t care if I heard her. That lone statement hurt me considerably I cried for 3 hours. I don’t understand it because I would never say anything to anyone that would hurt them whether they or a stranger or not. But, for the first time in a while I was right back in that same whole of depression and helplessness that I had been working to get myself out of. Last night I prayed to not wake up, unfortunately I did. Do you ever completely escape this sadness or is it always there lingering waiting for something or someone to trigger it and you feel as if you are right back where you started months ago? I felt like I was doing better but I guess I’m not because I feel just as depressed and helpless as I did months ago.
  2. Hi AnnieO, My friend suggested I do the same thing as you just an hour a a time. My first complete day back I was coaxed by my wonderful friend but I wasn't happy and prideful when I made the whole day. That horrible feeling was still there. It followed me home and everywhere I go it tags along. I am so sorry about your Mom she raised a loving and caring person. Thank you. Terri B
  3. Hi Steve, Thank you so much for your beautiful words. Your wife and her Grandmother sounded like they were two wonderful and remarkable women. Over these last few weeks I have tried to explain how I feel to people and yet it is inexplainable. I search for words and I get nothing, your letter explained how I am feeling and more. When you feel completely alone (in my feelings) as I do, that is a comfort.I have repeated your phrase to myself "remember that the mind thinks, but the heart knows" too many times to count. I have never felt such sadness and depression but I have never thought of ending it all. I just know I will endure and be a functioning member of society however little I am able to piece it together. Thank you for taking the time to let me know that I am not alone, I am forever grateful. Thanks, Terri B
  4. Hello Shell, Thank you for your kind words. I pray alot and ask for guidance, understanding and normalcy. I don't know if I will get all of them but I still pray. It's comforting to know I am not having a breakdown. Thank you, Terri
  5. I lost my Grandmother April 30th and I cannot seem to get control of my emotions I am constantly in tears. I have never been this depressed and empty inside in all my life. I was given time off from work and assured that my job was not in jeopardy just get myself well and my job would be there once I returned.Apparently, I wasn't getting it together quick enough because I was informed that I would be immediately terminated tomorrow if I do not come to work. Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed and face the day, my coworkers have been great but I cannot even look them in the eye without crying. My Grandmother was an amazing person and she suffered alot the last 18 months of her life and never complained. She was the most unselfish, amazing, wonderful woman I have ever known and I know she is in a better place. My brain knows it but my heart wont accept it. I have called our Employee Assistance Program twice and I have an appointment to speak with a counselor on June 4th. I hope I make it until then because I really feel like I am inches away from a nervous breakdown. I have no choice but to be at work a shell of myself or I wont have a job to return to when I am feeling better. I sit at my desk and silently cry when I do go to work. I want this feeling to go away but I cannot seem to shake the void and depression I feel. I understand that it is a part of grieving but nevertheless it is unnerving for someone who is normally a happy, easygoing person. I finally confided in my Mom today about how I was feeling. I didn't want to burden her with my feelings because I knew she was grieving over the loss of my Grandmother,her Mother.I feel such guilt dumping my feelings in her lap, but I couldn't go on pretending that I was fine when I was quickly coming apart at the seams. She is of course very worried and relieved that I have agreed to speak to someone. She also is completely at peace with my Grandmother's death because she watched her suffer for so long. I long to feel the same peace. In the meantime I continue to struggle through a day with no tears and a day that I don't feel as if I am losing my mind. Thanks for listening, Terri B
  6. Hi, This is my first post. My Grandmother died April 30th everyone in the family has seemed to cope and move on, but I am struggling trying to make it through the day. I took some time off from work I went back yesterday but I only made it 4 hours, I sat at my desk with my back to everyone and silently cried. I have never felt this depressed and hopeless before in my life I want to grieve for my Grandmother but I feel like I am losing my mind. Everyone says go back to work it will help you but I cry more at work then I do at home. I have wonderful friends and family and they try to help but I feel like I'm drowning. Thanks for listening. Terri B
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