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starelda

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Everything posted by starelda

  1. The Truth The time is coming, It's almost here The time that saddens me The time I fear Time to remember Can't help but to Time to face up To losing you Been drowning myself Not letting feelings through Might as well have died Along with you I haven't been living Destroying myself from within Hurting all that lies Beneath my skin Life is precious To that I should have wisened But instead my eyes sting Again I am frightened Frightened of what I may do Frightened of what I've done Frightened that I can't cope With anniversary number one As it looms ahead of me I feel I'm loosing control Falling back to the darkness Falling back into a hole I'd only just crawled out I fear it'll hit me back I hope I have control But I know that's what I lack I don't want to forget But forgive me if I do Because I can't stand it anymore Knowing that I've lost you By Starelda
  2. It's coming up to the year anniversary of my grandads death and I feel like I'm falling apart all over again. When he died I cried and cried at the funeral but not much at other times, I don't think I really let it out. I thought and thought about him and his death all the time but also thought that I was ok with it and happy as he's no longer in pain. I think I thought wrong. I think I've bottled it all up and now I don't know what to do. It feels like all my feelings are in a bottle of fizzy pop and now it's being shaken up ready to explode. For about four months after his death, besides kidding myself that I was ok with it I didn't really feel much. Not that i remember anyway. Then I started binge drinking at weekends and it all started coming out, all the tears would flow so freely after a drinking session. I've tried to stop the drinking, tried hard but not hard enough because i'm slipping and i really don't like this. I don't like what I'm doing to myself and I didn't know why I did it at first but I feel the two must be connected. I used to be so sensible with drink. Now the year anniversary of his death is coming up and I feel like I'm falling to pieces again. I feel like drowning it all out with drink but I know that will not help me at all. I need to face this and deal with it and move on but I'm finding it so hard. I felt so angry today, I'm not sure what at but it affected my work badly as I was unable to think or act properly for most of the day. I spent a good 20minutes in the ladies toilets just crying. I needed to cry and couldn't hold it back. But i feel so odd crying now. I feel like I should have done that already as it's been almost a year now. I feel silly and odd for wanting to cry now, I think I'm finding it hard to realise that it's happening to me now as it didn't back then. I'm not sure why I'm writing this now. I just need to talk about it and need advice on whether this is normal or if i'm going completely off the rails.
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